#balancemakesperfect

Not sure I understand how I’ve been feeling. I feel like I've been having a tennis match within me - my emotions/feelings that have been bouncing back and forth have been “happiness/enjoyment”, “personality loneliness”, & “motivation”.

I naturally have enjoyed life all my life. I still do. More of the time, I wake up feeling good - glad God breathed His breath of life into me - blessed to be living the life I live with the support system I have and the financial blessings that put me “higher” in life than those less fortunate. I am extremely thankful and appreciative for the life I live. But I have just been on and off with this internal war zone of feelings, it’s at the point where I’m catching myself in these spacial holes (i.e. playing COD solo online and after 2 matches I just sit in the lobby and kinda stare off and begin contemplating if I just wanna go to bed or lay back and watch anime or something - OR i.e. I wake up and KNOW that I planned to do a workout but I end up pushing it back further and further in the day to where I sometimes just skip the whole day tbh - too caught up in asking myself “what’s the use? Yes I am blessed with the ability to do so, but there's some overpowering weight on me making me think “ehh, know one will know if I’ll do it or not... I don’t even know if I even want to do this anymore....”)

Idk if that even really made sense - I’ll have to read it again tomorrow lol. It’s wild what expressing emotions can do huh. Just typing out what I felt was wrong or off with me helped me feel a little better...

This all was how I was thinking and feeling around this time yesterday. Today I just feel worthless tbh... But, keep on goin 👍🏾 (whatever tf it means).

First day going strong!

Started the day off by speaking with my advisor in depth about PhD possibilities. Always exciting talking about academia to individuals that love it as much as I do, aside the ya know - terrible price of education in this world (country from my POV). Paying thousands of dollars to LEARN things... Knowledge really is power. Starting to think that term came from the first dudes that began making education expensive...lol. Spoke a lot about having a focus and passion toward what you’re doing is VITAL in PhD. Will have thoughts and second guesses but overall needs to be something you’re deeply passionate about because doing research and whatnot for a topic one doesn’t really care about (i.e. doing group projects in undergrad classes) is VERY hard. But was a good talk - gained a better scope moving forward

BUT was a good start to the day, purchased a textbook I need for one of my classes and the other I don’t need one (thank GOD). Week one should be easy - excited to (safely) see my athletes (the ones that walk into the office lol) again! :D

Pretty excited to be in the learning environment/gear again. I thoroughly enjoy learning of all kinds - like they told us to be in elementary school be a “life-long-learner.” One of the most truthful things I picked up as a young kid - you should never stop being a student. Be a student of life - therefore even when teaching - you’ll discover new things about yourself or others or the world etc. 

Giving up the want to learn forces you to be closed minded. Random (perhaps not), side thought I always have is how would my view and thought on the world be different If I wasn’t born and brainwashed (raised) in the public (and some private) American school system? Being in a relationship with a (beautiful wonderful amazing), woman that didn’t have the same education as me - biggest difference for the sake of the convo - because she wasn’t living in America really till college. We all look back at our HS selves and say,” Wow, that really was me at that time of my life?” We’re all shocked in awe that our high school self - is still a version of ourselves. From senior year HS and before - we really don’t know shit 😂 Actually, I honestly didn’t really even begin to fully understand myself and the world more till about 2nd-3rd year of college - and thinking currently, I felt like I was DUMB as rocks compared to who I am now!🤣

A friend of mine posted on her instagram that it’s important to look at yourself completely when comparing yourself to your past self, we all have to remember that we grow in more ways than JUST physically. We develop, gain more information, change taste buds, change personalities, we are ever-changing people.

ANYWAY - classes starting next week has me excited, no clue what we’re doing for practice still but 🤷🏾‍♂️ lol. I’ve still been feeling hella drowsy tho. Tbh my motivation has been scraaaaping the barrel - I don’t wanna work, I don’t wanna get outta bed, I barley wanna play video games bc my time zone makes me mad earlier than all my homies, I barley wanna work out - everything just seems SO damn exhausting yo... Idk what it is, but I’m getting tired of not knowing why I feel this way. I know a lot of my stirred up emotions are thanks to the garbage ass “Police Force” in our country. The racism is soooo apparent.... I’ll touch on that next time lol I can go on that for days yo.