Kaiser†

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”

“I have begun to realize as I meet new people I instantaneously reject any idea of being with them if they don’t give me the same heart racing feeling as running and jumping off a 50 feet cliff into the raging unknown waters below does. If their touch doesn’t make my skin feel like I’m being electrified every time their fingers make contact, then I lose interest. My friend told me she wanted a girl that felt like an adventure. She wanted someone who is like a sharp turn on a road trip. Or a trip off the path up the mountain over to a cliff side where she holds you tight by one arm and let’s you lean off the side to feel what it’s like to fall. She told me people like us need someone like ourselves. Someone that creates something memorable without hardly meaning to. So maybe it’s because I’ve become an addict for adventures, finding the next rock to climb, or the next cliff to jump off of.. Or perhaps it is because the one I loved and even the one I never did, made me feel like I was on the adventure of a life time. But I’m stuck now because nobody I meet makes me feel like that anymore, and maybe it is because the more I adventure out into the world alone the harder it is for me to find someone to adventure out there with. It could simpIy be that I’ve built such a tolerance to adrenaline that I am always bored. Or maybe it’s because the last two times I adventured with another soul I kept jumping off of a cliff and instead of water I found rocks, and now I need to find a new kind of love. I simply wish I knew if I didn’t feel for them because they’re just not my next adventure or because my heart will never race like that for another person again.”