I felt sadness for my father yesterday.

My friend and I talked about our childhood issues and the hardships that we had to face. I mentioned my father passing away. Carrying on about how I often think to myself about how he was going to rehab, how I was going to text him. Tell him how proud I was for him to be taking such a good step...

I didn’t text him this. Come later in August I heard the news of his passing through sobs. Things got weird. Emotions because confusing. How was I supposed to be sad when he was in an out of my life. How was I supposed to feel sad when he seemed to forget about us. How was I supposed to feel about not telling him I was proud.

Things didn’t make sense.

Reflecting on this yesterday with my friend. She suggested “well do you think he cared about you not texting him?”, she continued “what is the number one most important thing to him?”

I didn’t know the answer to her question. She said “that he knew you knew he loved you.”

He used to say that. He said that every time he saw us. Everyone said that about him. “You know he loves you,” “your father loves you”, his funeral brought to my attention how much he talked about us. And with this I am not sure how I felt from this train of thoughts.