Life Mumbles

I don't update regularly anymore. I just haven't had much to say or that I've wanted to say lately.

Caiti's is Disneyland with the boys. Sounds like they're having a great time and I'm glad about that. BV will be out for summer soon and I hope Aidan gets out of the house now and then.

Next couple of weeks are going to be crazy with my parents' appointments. I'm tired just thinking about it.

PT came by today. Mom will start sessions next week. Home health aide will come by to bathe her on Wednesday at 11am and Friday at 3pm. The nurse is supposed to come tomorrow take blood but I don't know when.

Happy Birthday, Tita Bing 💙

The hospital sent Mom home today since there not actually treating the platelet issue. Still no results on the biopsy but I know it won't be good.

This was a good news/had news day.

Bad news - Mom's platelet level went down to 10k. They're running more labs.

Good news - Morgan is pregnant!! She's due 11/29

I haven't wanted to journal because I don't want to write this.

Peritoneal Carcinomatosis

Mom is still in the hospital. They're training her platelets issue as if it's ITP (autoimmune) and her count is rising. I'm the ER it was 3k, yesterday was 7k and today was 24k. So that's good. But they also did a CT scan of her belly and found what they are 95% sure in what I said above. They can't do a biopsy until her platelets are at least 50k. If she keeps improving then that will probably be in the next day or two if things keep going as they've been. But then I will most likely have to hear that not only does my mom have cancer, she's got a very advanced form with a short life expectancy.

How am I supposed to handle that?

Mom's in the hospital again with critically low platelet count. I don't know why they wait until things are dire before they do anything about it.

We were doing Question of the Day ahd it was asking when the Berlin Wall fell. I said 1989 but Patrick didn't listen and gave the wrong answer. Then he got mad when I asked why he didn't listen. He went off about how I was mumbling and talking too quiet and why do I always so that. I asked him why, if he couldn't understand me and knew I was trying to answer, did he not ask me to repeat myself. He just got more irritated and was snapping at me. I told him I didn't understand why he was huffy when he was the one ignoring me. Of course, he didn't think that part was important. Just that I didn't speak loud enough to be heard and understood like I ALWAYS do. Which is funny since he's never mentioned it before. But apparently, I'm just supposed to automatically know that. And still doesn't address the fact that he just didn't care what I was saying because how could I possibly know more than him?

Also, I'm sick. Should've known this would happen.

We're in Chicago trying to get home. Our plane is delayed over an hour. I'm so upset and I just want to go home 😭

We're in Philadelphia. We left Sac at 11pm last night, got into Philadelphia around 11am. I'm very tired. But Dakota and Sus had their ceremony and it was beautiful. And I saw my friends 🥰

Aidan is home. Dogs are happy. Caiti's having fun with Lauren. They're cute and gross. I'm sleepy. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. PLEASE GOD let me sleep on the plane!

We got Aidan and everything seems okay. The plan tomorrow is to rope drop Soarin' Over California then go back to the condo, make sure we have everything and head home. Need to stop at CVS and pick up prescriptions and try to get eyeliner.

Caiti made it to San Diego okay. Hope her meeting with Lauren was everything they'd hoped.

We're heading out tomorrow to get Aidan. I really hope she's mostly packed so it doesn't take long to move here out. And I really hope she didn't fuck up her finals.

I am looking forward to going on Soarin' over California on Thursday. I hope everyone works out for that.

Too sleepy to write.

Aidan didn't call. Texted that she's really busy and can't talk. Happy Mother's Day to me. Thank God for Caiti and Patrick and Sheebee and Ody. Ody tried to comfort me while I was crying. I love him so much.

I want to die.

We were supposed to have dinner at Mikuni in Davis with my parents and Rhett tonight. That plan went sideways at my dad ended up in the ER today. He had to have an emergency fistulagram, because at dialysis, they found his access port was blocked. And I had to go there and relieve Rhett because he was tired. Good times.

So Patrick and Caiti and I went to Gangnam Avenue for kbbq. Now my tummy hurts.

I've been so sad the past couple of weeks. Like, really despondent to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I know I should talk to someone about this, especially since it's not the first time I've had dark thoughts but in this case, how would talking help? If it turns out that Aidan wants nothing to do with me, how can anything possibly make that better? I can't live with that or like that.

Don't really have too much to say. Just, I miss my kid.