Never Ending Nostalgia

and sometimes in the middle of the day

when everything looks fine from the outside

I think about the people I’ve loved

And the people who have loved me

Some I tried to grow into

Some who outgrew me

All of them leaving something behind

I don’t call those relationships failures

I respect what they were

What they taught me

What they asked of me

Even when I couldn’t answer fully

But there’s a weight I carry constantly

Not just in quiet moments

It comes with me to work

To laughter

To achievements that are supposed to feel lighter than they do

A feeling that I fall just short

That effort alone doesn’t always equal alignment

That love can be real

And still not be enough

I question my worth more than I show

Whether I’m someone people choose every day

Or someone they eventually realize

They need something different from

That doubt settles into my body

Like a weighted vest I forget I’m wearing

Until I try to breathe deeply

Until I try to rest

I hide it well

Behind humor

Behind momentum

Behind staying busy enough

That I don’t have to sit with it too long

I loved deeply

As honestly as I knew how at the time

And still, I was the one who “left”

Not by walking away

But by not being what was needed

By caring

And still missing the mark

“You’re too busy.”

“You’re not stable enough.”

“You’re not present.”

“You’re not healthy.”

“You’re not who I need right now.”

I heard those words

And kept moving

Believing growth would catch up

Believing effort would eventually close the distance

While the space quietly widened

I changed what I could see

My body

My habits

My thinking

My goals

But when love asked for something steadier

I didn’t always know how to hold on

Without gripping too tightly

Out of fear of losing what mattered

I’m not writing this for sympathy

Or reassurance

Or to be rescued

I’m writing because carrying this silently

Has started to feel heavier than sharing it

Because this grief lives with me daily

For everyone I wanted to grow with

And couldn’t seem to hold onto

No matter how much I cared

I know we’re all moving toward an ending

That truth doesn’t scare me

What scares me

Is reaching the end

Having never learned how to hold love

With open hands

Instead of clenched ones

This isn’t hopelessness. This is honesty.

and sometimes in the middle of the day

when everything looks fine from the outside

I think about the people I’ve loved

And the people who have loved me

Some I tried to grow into

Some who outgrew me

All of them leaving something behind

I don’t call those relationships failures

I respect what they were

What they taught me

What they asked of me

Even when I couldn’t answer fully

But there’s a weight I carry constantly

Not just in quiet moments

It comes with me to work

To laughter

To achievements that are supposed to feel lighter than they do

A feeling that I fall just short

That effort alone doesn’t always equal alignment

That love can be real

And still not be enough

I question my worth more than I show

Whether I’m someone people choose every day

Or someone they eventually realize

They need something different from

That doubt settles into my body

Like a weighted vest I forget I’m wearing

Until I try to breathe deeply

Until I try to rest

I hide it well

Behind humor

Behind momentum

Behind staying busy enough

That I don’t have to sit with it too long

I loved deeply

As honestly as I knew how at the time

And still, I was the one who “left”

Not by walking away

But by not being what was needed

By caring

And still missing the mark

“You’re too busy.”

“You’re not stable enough.”

“You’re not present.”

“You’re not healthy.”

“You’re not who I need right now.”

I heard those words

And kept moving

Believing growth would catch up

Believing effort would eventually close the distance

While the space quietly widened

I changed what I could see

My body

My habits

My thinking

My goals

But when love asked for something steadier

I didn’t always know how to hold on

Without gripping too tightly

Out of fear of losing what mattered

I’m not writing this for sympathy

Or reassurance

Or to be rescued

I’m writing because carrying this silently

Has started to feel heavier than sharing it

Because this grief lives with me daily

For everyone I wanted to grow with

And couldn’t seem to hold onto

No matter how much I cared

I know we’re all moving toward an ending

That truth doesn’t scare me

What scares me

Is reaching the end

Having never learned how to hold love

With open hands

Instead of clenched ones

This isn’t hopelessness. This is honesty.

"She exists in my poems the way she exists in my life."