Things have never been good with my in-laws. They do not approve of N being with me and they firmly believe their now poor relationship with him and his decision to end his career in medicine is 100% because of me. There is very little contact with them, but his dad called a couple of weeks ago and N decided to answer. His dad stated that he doesn't understand why he doesn't talk to them, he said because it's difficult and it makes him sad. His dad said it makes them sad that he doesn't talk to them and said some heartfelt stuff and finally ended it with, "You and [baby] are still our family, we love you both." N told him his entire speech was very telling because not once did he mention his wife and his dad gave some lame excuse.

His dad's words have weighed heavily on my mind ever since. Somehow they felt different than they have in the past. More absolute, maybe. I know N chose me, I know it's his life, but I also see the sadness he has over not having his family... and I don't think I can be with him knowing my place in it.

I took him in for his 9 month well visit today and he's pretty significantly behind on his gross motor skills. All I can think about is how I'm failing him. Logically I can talk your ear off about how I'm not worried 😊 because every baby develops differently 😀 at their own pace 👍 and this is just his pace ☺️ but internally everything is a mess. I think about Big C and how badly I failed her, and now I'm failing him. I just want him to be happy and healthy.

I'm also not sure what's happening in my marriage right now. He said he doesn't know if he can do it because when he thinks about it, it just feels like work. This is an immediate trigger for me and I shut down. My ex used to say things like that. Loving me is hard, loving me is work. I told him that would have been nice to know before we had a baby or, you know, before we got married. He's assured me he was referring to the housework and things of that nature that I want his help with regularly and not me, but I'm not in a place right now where I can get my brain to refocus the statement. What I heard is that I'm work and he's not sure that I'm worth it. I feel broken.

So... I quit because meditation isn't going to stop this. It isn't going to stop my soul from physically aching for her. It isn't going to stop the flashbacks of every bad moment we had together. Every moment I was an imperfect mother to her in her short life and every moment of that day and the following four.

1. Sat outside of my wedding crying.

2. Would not speak to me at all (even extended family) at said wedding or the breakfast the next morning.

3. Never asked about me during pregnancy, but expected updates on baby.

4. Barely acknowledged me when they were here in our home meeting my baby, did not even say goodbye to me when they left.

5. Have only asked about my son once since leaving our home on July 6th, and when they did they expected us to send pictures (we did not).

6. All of a sudden sent a $1,000 check for Christmas as if money is a bandaid for all of the emotional pain they've put my husband through over the last almost 5 years because they don't approve of me for a myriad of superficial reasons that equate to them thinking I'm not good enough for their son and that I've ruined his life.

I passed an ambulance and saw the paramedics going into a house by my parents' on Thursday and it immediately threw me into a flashback of that morning. And then I saw a funeral procession yesterday and I started crying.

The holidays feel empty and the only thing I'm looking forward to about celebrating with extended family is the queso I ordered from Qdoba.