How to be a nice guy, not a "nice guy"
Growing up shy with only brothers, I was never confident approaching women I was interested in, and I think I was in my mid-twenties before I was finally the one to make the first move. The upshot of this is it gave me the chance to form some fantastic friendships with women in school, and college.
I saw first hand the kinds of horrible attitudes men held towards my friends, and since becoming addicted to the many many online dating blogs on Tumblr Iâve seen this to the Nth degree. As someone who found it hard simply saying âhiâ to a woman I liked, this behaviour baffled me. If someone else had that confidence to walk up to (or now message) a woman, and start a conversation with her, why would he go out of his way to fuck it up?
1) Fedoras/Trillbys: First of all Trillbys ARE NOT fedoras. Second, this is what PUAs call âpeacockingâ, making yourself flashy somehow to stand out from the crowd.
A- This doesnât work if youâre all fucking doing it, at least try and be original.
B- If your personality doesnât stand out, then go work on that instead.
2) Negging: Another PUA tactic, though I suspect itâs as old as dating itself. This involves giving backhanded compliments, or small insults followed by compliments. The aim is supposedly to make the woman either extra grateful for the compliment after the insult, or desperate to prove you wrong.
A- What the actual living fuck? On a basic level itâs nonsensical. âThereâs a woman I likeâŚI know! Iâll insult her.â If that seems like a good thought process to you, then youâre a fucking idiot.
B- Tricking someone into talking to you/being interested in you is pathetic because again youâre just proving that you have a shitty personality that canât stand itâs ground.
C- This kind of behaviour is a trait of psychologically and abusive relationships. To the defence âIâm a nice guy, I just wanted her to talk to me.â, women talk to people every single fucking day without the need for them to insult them first.
3) Rejection: Hereâs a scenario.
Bro 1 - âHey dude, you wanna go to the game today?â
Bro 2 - âThanks for asking, but sorry dude, not interested in Basketball.
Bro 1 - "You fucking piece of shit! How dare you reject me?! I hope you get raped! I never even wanted to go to the game with you anyway! Youâre fat lol.â
Manbabies can try and mansplain this away all they want, and they do; âIf youâd just given me a chance I wouldnât have acted that way, Iâm actually a really nice guy.â âSorry, I was drunk when I sent that.â âSorry, my friend got my phone, lol.â However, if youâve never or would never react this way to a man rejecting your request for something, drunk or not, then you are behaving this way simply because a WOMAN did it. Right there is your problem.
Bro - âHey, do you wanna get dinner or drinks sometime?â
Mysterious Alien Creature (aka; woman) - âHey thanks, but Iâm not really interested.â
Bro - âNp, have a good one.â
A - You havenât burned any bridges. Is she just out of a relationship? Is she dealing with stuff in her personal life? If thatâs the case, when sheâs not, youâre still a contender, instead of a piece of garbage.
B - You treated someone like a human fucking being.
4) The FRIENDZONE: All in Caps because thatâs how some guys seem to view it. I guarantee you this phrase was coined by a guy who is the most horrible piece of shit on the planet. As I mentioned earlier, I had a much easier time making woman friends than meeting girlfriends. There was one who I had a huge crush on and nothing ever happened, and I know for a fact there was one who liked me and nothing ever happened. And guess what? We stayed friends.
A - If you enter a friendship with the sole aim on getting something out of it for you, then youâre a terrible friend.
B - If a male friend chose to go to a basketball game with someone who likes basketball instead of you, would you complain about the friendzone?
C - If a woman was your friend for years, and then you found out it was only because she wanted your kidney, howâd you feel? Betrayed, hurt, knowing that person never liked you as a friend?
Letâs rename the friendzone the neverwasafriendtobeginwithzone.
5) Girls only date Assholes: What? What?! What the fuckitty fuck fuck? Iâve dated horrible people, my friends have all dated horrible people. Women do not have a monopoly on bad choices.
A - EVERYBODY dates assholes at some point. If a friend is, try to help them see that instead of assuming they like it.
B - As a general rule, assholes date assholes. If youâre not an asshole, if youâre a self-proclaimed nice guy, then why would you wanna be with a woman whoâs an asshole? Oh right, because you only care about her body.
C - I have friends whose boyfriends/husbands are nicer than I am and it pisses me off.
6) âComplimentsâ: I hope you noticed the inverted commas there. From catcalling, to pet names, to street & online harassment, again this is something that I canât wrap my head around. You see a woman you like, you have two options.
i - Find a reason to initiate contact. Online, look in the profile for common interests. IRL, whatever sheâs doing at that moment.
ii - Shout a generic compliment a 5year old could come up with.
Which one seems more likely to you? I once started a two-year relationship initially based on a mutual love of nothing more than a brand of chips.
A - Unsolicited compliments areâŚwait for itâŚUNSOLICITED. If no one asked you for it, donât give it.
B - âLearn to take a compliment.â Next guy I hear say this in a bar Iâm gonna send every male friend over one after the other to 'complimentâ him.
C - If you catcall, Iâm gonna get six huge construction workers to come to your neighbourhood and shout 'complimentsâ at you every time you walk down the street and see how you like it.
In conclusionâŚbecause this has gone on Waaaaay longer than Iâd originally intended, let me leave you with a couple of rules of thumb.
1 - As difficult as it may be for some men to realise, women are not a part of some alien species. You donât need to trick them, you donât need to manipulate them. Respect breeds respect, talk to women as human fucking beings.
2 - There are over 6billion people on the planet. Attraction is a complicated phenomenon that the physical and social sciences are NOWHERE near explaining. Not every one of the 3 ½ or so billion women on the planet are going to be attracted to you. Accept it and move on.
3 - Nice guys donât finish last, only âNice guysâ do.
This has been a public service announcement. Out.