Lie

The row of staff members in front of everyone struggled to hold back their laughter. Bang Chan’s body toppled forward. His green Luigi hat fell off and fluttered to the ground. Changbin’s high-pitched laughter mocked him. Rolling cameras had captured every moment for the last five minutes. You tried not to laugh, but the pout-lipped glare Hyunjin shot towards everyone made it impossible. 

“Yah, I think we should start the intro properly this time. We’re wasting everyone’s time and…” Minho trailed off and shielded a hand above his head. He glanced up, squinting into the sunlight. “It’s only going to get more hot as the day goes on. This tutu is going to suffocate me and I don’t want to die.” 

The orange tutu was more like a long skirt. Stiff nylon fabric caskaded past his hips and stopped around his knees. Changbin wore a similar one for his character. 

All nine of you stood in a plethora of different costumes. You’d been begging for the Skz Code concept for a while and when staff members finally announced it, you nearly jumped into your manager’s arms in excitement. Finally, something you could do without causing too much of a filming delay. Ever since doctors uncovered your Dysautonomia, life made a lot more sense, but it didn’t mean it was any easier. 

The nervous system disorder disrupted your autonomic nervous system. The list of symptoms you experienced went on and on; constant fatigue, shortness of breath, migraines, blood sugar issues, etc. Some days you lived with ease and other days, life felt like a constant uphill battle. However, you were certain you could do this today. 

You felt pretty good when you woke up. Before meeting up at the filming location with the guys, you’d hydrated yourself with plenty of water and consumed a meal. You forced yourself to stay still, despite wanting to bounce around. The last thing you needed was a spiked heart rate. Denim shorts, orange socks peeking out the top of your shoes, a green shirt, and your favorite part, a crocheted Yoshi hat. 

One of the staff members took it upon herself to crochet a bunch of items for the costumes. The Yoshi hat upon your head sat equipped with Yoshi’s nose, his eyes, and a few of his orange spikes combing down the back of your head. On either side of you, all the guys stood in their own Mario Kart inspired costumes. Some of them, you put together alone. Others required assistance from the staff members. 

“What does Toad say?” Jisung asked. He reached up and adjusted the white and red mushroom beanie on his own head. “He wails, right? It’s that super high-pitched voice?” 

“Couldn’t be me.” Seungmin spun around and shook his butt towards the cameras. “Rraaaawr! Fear me, I’m Bowser! Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha!” The back of his Bowser onesie included a small pointed tail beneath the green shell of protruding spikes. It wiggled when he shook his hips.

“AH! SAVE ME, DONKEY KONG!” Changbin rushed away from Seungmin, pink tutu flapping in the breeze behind him. A soft pink shirt stretched over his biceps. The hot pink tutu’s added glitter sparkled in the sunlight. The blonde wig, held on by a plastic crown glued onto a headband, nearly flew off. 

Jeongin scowled. Out of all the outfits you’d seen today, you were most impressed by his. A pair of brown khaki shorts, a lighter brown button down left open to reveal a beige undershirt beneath it. A pair of added brown Vans on his feet and a singular bright red tie slung loose around his neck with a yellow DK printed on it. If it weren’t for the added monkey ears perched on his head via headband, you would have assumed he discovered a new fashion trend. 

Changbin tried to hide behind him within his Princess Peach outfit, but Jeongin side-stepped. “That’s not my job. Shouldn’t you be talking to Mario or Luigi or something?” 

“Pft, coward.” Minho stepped forward and brushed back his own long brunette wig. “Bowser isn’t even scary. Princess Daisy doesn’t need to be saved from a weirdo in a cheap costume.” 

“I did my best!” Seungmin stomped his foot in a huff. “It’s not like I could find a costume like you guys. Every homemade Bowser costume required building a hard shell. How am I supposed to race with a hard shell?”

“Like a real man. How does Princess Daisy race with a golden crown stuck on her head? Because she improvises, adapts, and overcomes. Try it sometime.” 

“Princess Daisy has pretty privilege and that’s only why she–” 

“What did you just say about me?” Minho stepped forward with a fist raised. “Watch your ugly man mouth before I knock you into next year, punk.” 

“Shiver me timbers.” 

“Okay, okay. Everyone defuse yourselves and calm down.” Chan finally stepped forth. He rubbed his glove hands together and clapped them. “Welcome to Mario Kart in real life. As you can see, we’re dressed as characters from Mario Kart.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Minho shook his fist. “You might be a fake Italian plumber, but today, I’m a real princess and I demand respect.” 

His request didn’t shake Chan. 

“So as you can see,” Chan continued. He reached both gloved hands out to each side of him. “Every member of Stray Kids has currently been trapped in the world of Mario Kart. We’ll be racing against each other, gaining power-ups, and doing whatever we can to win the golden trophy at the end of the race. Does anyone have any questions?” 

Your hand shot up from your spot. It took him a moment before he noticed. When he did, you stepped forward. “Are we going to be in teams?” 

“No way! Waluigi doesn’t need a team. Waluigi’s way or the highway.” Hyunjin stretched out his suspenders and let them go again, clearly not learning from the first time. “Wah-ah!” 

“Oof, that’s gonna leave a mark.” 

“Lets-ah go!” Felix called from the back. “It's-ah me, Mario! Yippy!” He rubbed a gloved finger over his fake mustache. 

“No teams,” Chan announced. “The rules are simple. We’ll all be on the outdoor track and racing one another. At certain points, staff members will be placing down power-ups boxes. Lift the box to find your power-up. Use it to take out the competition and gain first place. Depending on our places, we’ll get points and use those to figure out who wins at the end.” 

“Man, I should have picked Mario.” Jisung crossed his arms over his deep blue vest and frowned. “I can’t do the Toad voice. I sound like an idiot, but Felix can do it perfectly.” 

Seungmin added salt into his wound. “You snooze, you lose.” 

“No, I think it makes sense the way we did things,” Hyunjin said. “Felix is Mario and Chan is Luigi. They’re from the same city. Besides, you look good as Toad, the beanie is your style.” 

“At least someone is looking out for me.” Jisung adjusted his beanie and sighed. “Okay, where were we?” 

“Why don’t we introduce our characters? I’ll go first.” Hyunjin stepped in front of everyone. “I’m Waluigi, like Luigi, but evil. Do you like my mustache? Stay, should I grow one?” He shot a wink to the camera and stroked his fake mustache. “Please say no.” His smirk fell. “It kinda tickles.” 

Chan snorted and shook his head. He waved his own gloved hand at the camera. “I’m obviously Luigi. The better Luigi, the cooler Luigi, and the more popular Luigi.” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. 

“And I’m Mario!” Felix practically skipped next to Chan and waved at the camera. “In the Mario Kart world, we’re brothers. This time, we come from the same mother.” He linked an arm around Chan’s. 

“Phew, Mario, you look good out there.” Changbin raised his hands above his head and spun in the sunlight. “I’m Princess Peach. I want to win today, so I can brag to my kingdom.” His pink shirt and tutu glistened. 

“That makes me Daisy.” Minho walked forward and bumped Changbin’s hip. “I’m like Princess Peach, but better.” 

Seungmin roared and flexed his hidden muscles. While everyone else’s costume looked good, Seungmin’s fabric Bowser head flopped. With the cheap onesie and cheap interior cotton, the head shifted and fell sideways. Everyone burst into laughter, causing annoyance to fill Seungmin. 

“Don’t laugh at me! I’m the most evil guy here! I’m going to slaughter all of you out there. Just watch me.” 

“We’ll be watching you just fine, hyung. Looks hard for you to watch, considering the top of that onesie is falling into your face.” 

“Screw you, Innie.” 

“It’s Donkey Kong today. I don’t care if I win or lose. I’m here to throw bananas at people and make it as entertaining as possible.” 

Jisung’s face fell. “Huh? Bananas?” 

“Yeah, the banana peels? I’m here to make your go-karts spin out of control for Stay’s personal entertainment.” He grinned at the camera, adjusting his tie. “Nobody knows more about bananas than me.” 

“That’s not fair,” Jisung grumbled. His shoulders slumped in defeat. “Toad doesn’t have a special power like bananas.” 

“He has an annoying voice and that’s his power.” 

Jisung leaned over and lightly shoved Seungmin. “Whatever. I don’t want the stupid trophy anymore. I don’t care what happens. I want Jeongin and Seungmin to lose.” 

While they all bickered, you sucked in a deep breath and adjusted your Yoshi hat. You stepped to the side and placed your hands on your hips, waiting for them to stop, so you could introduce yourself. 

Seungmin and Jeongin ganged up against Jisung. Felix moved closer to Changbin and slipped his arms around his biceps. When Minho’s deadpan face spun around to find you, he shushed everyone. “Shut up! Yoshi, get up here and introduce yourself.” 

You stepped up along with everyone and raised your hands. The perfect imitation of Yoshi saying his name shot out of your mouth. Everyone stood in disbelief. Felix broke the silence first, pulling away from Changbin and clapping his hands. “Do it again!” 

“Yoshi!” 

Jeongin stepped closer, gently grabbing your shoulders. He leaned closer with wide eyes. “Woah, are you really him?” 

“Shut up.” 

“Rude.” 

“Okay, racers, to the go-karts!” Chan announced with his hands cupped over his mouth. 

As you followed the guys, it was Seungmin that stepped close to you. With his back to most of the cameras, his tail swung from side-to-side. His voice came out in a hushed whisper. “You feel okay today?” 

“Yeah, I hope it stays like this.” 

“I brought a bottle of migraine meds along in case you need them. I heard you tell Chan you were out yesterday. I bought some on my way back to the dorm last night. If you need one, let me know.” 

“Thanks.” 

“And by the way, I’m going to beat you today.” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, bud.” 

He grumbled and walked away, probably to harass Jisung or Jeongin. Despite his certainty, you didn’t believe he’d win. Out of everyone, you figured your biggest threats were Chan and Minho. Chan because you were certain he’d grown up riding go-karts and Minho because Minho was Minho. 

You’d never liked to feel coddled by the guys, but you’d learned to manage their inputs. It took a while before you accepted their help. You swore you didn’t need it and you kept that mindset until you overworked yourself and collapsed in the middle of dance practice. Not only had you freaked them out, but you freaked yourself out. Hazy, distressed, and confused, you’d frightened them enough that they called an ambulance. 

Your embarrassment was eventually washed away. As time went on, you learned to be grateful for the extra assistance. Not everyone had people around them that were willing to go the extra mile to cheer them up. Besides, you always wanted to be there when the guys didn’t feel well and were struggling. They wanted to be there for you in their own ways. 

Minho tended to craft healthy dinners packed with vitamins. He’d randomly show up to the dorm you shared with Seungmin and Felix and drop them off. More than once, Jisung tagged along and Minho would bring a warm dish of something with sides. All five of you would share a meal together. 

Felix’s thumbs pressed against your sore muscles when they appeared. Eager to massage the soreness away, nobody made your body physically feel better than he did. On the days when you felt more fatigued, Changbin believed in the power of piggyback rides and flexing his strength. The last time you were on his back, your stomach flipped from the movement of the JYP elevator. He promised to keep you grounded and he did. Biceps curled around your legs, your chin on his head, he kept you steady when you couldn’t keep yourself upright without tipping. 

“Holy–” 

“Wow!” Felix quickly cut off Hyunjin’s words. “Look at that! The front of each go-kart has a symbol on it to represent our characters. Mine has a red and white M for Mario.” 

“Channie Hyung has an L on his for loser,” Seungmin piped up. He headed for a bright orange go-kart. A print out of Bowser’s face sat in a perfect circular sphere. Staff members taped the symbol just above the lower bumper of the car. 

“The L stands for ‘Luigi is going to make you eat those words.’” Chan rubbed his hands together and walked towards his own green go-kart. “Let’s get this party started.” 

Seungmin scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, old fart.” 

“You say that now, but you’ll be the first one to eat my dust.” 

“I’m so scared.” 

While the guys found their vehicles, you found your own. A lime green go-kart sat on the far left end of the track. The staff members rented out an entire outdoor track for the video. As long as everyone picked up after themselves and didn’t make a mess, the venue owners decided to allow them to film. 

You looked to the other guys, making sure you were located at the correct cart and stepped over it. A green and white speckled egg sat above your own bumper. As you lowered yourself inside to get comfortable, you shifted and pressed your back against the back seat. Legs against the throttle and brake, you pressed down on each one, getting familiar with the movements. With your ankles flexing, it didn’t take much power to get the pedals to move. 

The others followed in a similar manner. Jeongin tightened his tie slightly and adjusted it, so it wasn’t near the wheel. The last thing he needed was to have the tie tangle around the wheel of the go-kart and choke him. His fingers curled around the steering wheel and he slowly turned it from one side to the other. 

Felix squeezed his own wheel and turned it drastically. His whole body shifted along with it. “Nyyyyooooom! Nyyyyooooom! Watch out everyone, here I come!” 

Changbin flexed his ankles. “Is it like a car? Which pedal is which? Is the left one the brake or the gas?” 

“Figure it out yourself,” Seungmin called out. 

“Tough talk for a guy that doesn’t have his driver’s license.” 

“Tough talk for the guy that keeps lying about how tall he actually is. We all know you give yourself a few extra centimeters,” Seungmin hit back. 

“Hey, that’s not true!” 

“Whatever you say, short stack.” 

“Shut up! Everyone shut up! Look at me!” A gloved hand waved in front of the line of cars. Satin gloves tugged up to Minho’s elbows. He stood waiting for everyone’s attention. He adjusted his long brunette wig and took a deep breath. “Before we start, the rules need to be explained.” 

“Waluigi doesn’t need rules.” 

“Waluigi is going to get his head knocked off by a banana if he doesn’t shut up.” 

Hyunjin shut up instantly, causing you to snicker. All eight of you were lined up at an outdoor race track. The ninth go-kart, another orange cart between Chan and Jeongin, waited for Minho to take his seat. Instead of sitting, Minho walked over to a distant smaller box and picked it up. He laced his hand through a strap that’d been embedded and tied beneath the top side of the box. 

Streaks of pastel rainbow colors blended together. A white question mark sat along the side. He lifted it up and showed it to everyone. “While we all will be trying to get to first place, the staff members will be laying some of these mystery boxes in certain areas. A different variety of power-ups sit inside. Use the power-ups to take down your opponents.” 

Jeongin raised his hand with a question. 

“No questions.” Minho waved his hand, gesturing the unspoken words away. “When you grab one of these boxes, you can open it and find one of the power-ups.” He reached down and tugged out a crocheted banana. Peels drooped in different directions. “If you throw this at a player and it hits them, the player must stop driving. Staff members will come in, grab your go-kart, and twist it backwards, as if you spun out of control on a banana peel.” 

“WHAT?” 

Jeongin grinned. “Leave it to Donkey Kong to excel at that.” 

“That’s not fair!” 

“Life’s not fair.” Minho tossed the banana over his shoulder. It bounced a few times and rolled backwards. “The next power-up is the mushroom.” He yanked out a crocheted red and white mushroom. “If you choose to use it, you must yell, so everyone can hear you’re using it. Each player has to stop for ten seconds, while the user can zoom by and pass people.” 

Instead of throwing it behind him, he tossed it at Jisung. It slammed into the side of his head, causing him to wince. “Ow! You nearly killed me.” 

“Next are the green shells.” Another crocheted item appeared. The pale yellow and green shell was about the size of your palm. “If a player is hit by the green shell, they must stop their kart and count to ten. If you throw a shell at someone who hasn’t used their power-ups, they lose all their power-ups and get to keep driving.” 

The lightning bolt made your eyes widen when it appeared. 

“This is the lightning bolt. If it’s played, everyone must stop and for ten seconds, we have to act as if we’re being electrocuted. The staff members are going to edit in lightning, so we have to play along. Act well, so the editors can do their jobs properly.”

He grabbed a final item from the box. “Star power is the last power-up. For ten seconds, a person is untouchable. If they’re hit with power-ups, they won’t affect them. Questions, comments, concerns, I don’t want to hear about them. I explained everything. If you weren’t listening, too bad, so sad.” 

You watched him as he turned around and started to pick up the items he threw. When a gust of wind flew by, it tugged the back of his tutu up. He jerked back, dropped all the items, and quickly shoved the skirt back down. 

“Perverted wind,” Jeongin mumbled. 

Jisung examined the mushroom plush in his hand. He rolled it around, brushing a thumb along the stitches. The same woman, who crocheted your hat and his, created the plushie power-ups. He reached up and threw it as hard as he could. Flying through the air, it spun around and hit the target. Bouncing off Minho’s ass, it hit the ground and rolled away.

Minho jerked up instantly, whipping around. “Who threw that?” 

“I’m sorry, hyung!” 

“You’re dead.”

“I DIDN’T MEAN IT!” 

Minho grabbed the banana and dropped it in the box. He handed it back to a staff member and took his position in his car.

Felix stretched forward and peered over the front of his car. “Hyung, do we get coins?” 

“Uh…” Minho paused. His eyes widened and he blinked. His head shook. “I don’t think so. Wait, do we?” 

One of the staff members across the way glanced up. She sent him a thumbs up and nodded. Considering there weren’t any coins around, the staff must have hidden them somewhere, probably on the track. 

“Don’t ask me about coins,” Minho continued. “I don’t know. Whatever. We’ll figure it out when we get there. Everyone, start your engines.” 

“I’m scared.” 

“Changbin, nothing is scarier than your face.” 

“Kim Seungmin, I’ll end your bloodline.” 

“Catch me first.” 

You fumbled, trying to start up the engine. While you started it, one of the staff members waved a hand and walked forward. She moved forward with the same box Minho gave back to her. All nine of you watched and listened as she expanded on the rules. It’d all be cut out during editing.

It turns out, there really were coins. Laced along the track and hidden in mystery boxes, coins could be gathered and used in exchange to buy power-ups for future races. There were four races in total. Depending on your position, you’d gain points. Whoever had the most points at the end, they’d win. 

Changbin drummed his fingers along the edge of his wheel. The early morning shoot took place on a beautiful day. The sun eased into the cloudless blue sky. Rows of rubber tires lined the elongated track. They’d been secured together via ropes, so no matter what happened, someone couldn’t spin off the track and go out of bounds. 

The track was so wide, you’d all have plenty of space to move and maneuver between one another. The karts didn’t go super fast, but they were fast enough to race one another with. The reduced speed would give everyone enough time to drift around curves and go where they needed to go. 

“Is everyone ready?” Chan asked. 

“Wait! Wait!” Changbin raised his glove hands above his pink kart. “Do I have to keep these gloves on? They feel like a disadvantage.” 

Minho shot him a glare. “You could never be royalty.” 

“Not true.” 

Chan pinched the bridge of his nose with his own shorter gloves. “Focus, everyone. You have five seconds to pull yourselves together and then we’ll–” 

“Later, losers!” Seungmin stomped on the pedal and rushed forward with laughter. He swerved slightly and tried to get used to the movement and steering. The Bowser hood flopped to the side and deflated. 

“That’s not fair!” 

“Come back!” 

“Seungmin!” 

Jeongin followed his lead and trucked forward. Protests came from behind, but neither of them listened. You shrugged and hit the throttle. Sure enough, your body jerked forward, forced to pull ahead by the grip of tires and the engine’s pull. 

“Does anyone listen? Anyone at all? Can we disqualify them?” Jisung looked around at different staff members. “Call a foul or something.” 

“I don’t think there’s fouls in go-karting, hyung.” 

“Invent them.”

Felix headed out for fourth place.“See you at the finish line.” He leaned back and cruised along. “Yippy!” 

The rest of the guys rushed forward, trying to pull ahead of one another. Minho and Chan battled for fifth place. Jisung ended up stuck behind Changbin. Changbin’s kart sat dead center of the track. Seungmin continued keeping his momentum in the lead. 

Hyunjin’s fingers tightened around the steering wheel. He reached up and gripped his hat with the other hand. Still at the starting line, he hadn’t taken off. “Waluigi, away!” He slammed his foot into the pedal, but he didn’t go anywhere. 

His lips curled into a frown and he tried again. “Waluigi, away!” He stomped the pedal again. He adjusted the wheel and pointed forward. “Away!” 

When it didn’t work again, he stared down at the steering wheel. A staff member zoomed the camera on him. “Um, help? My go-kart isn’t going. Can someone fix it?” 

Just as a staff member hurried his way, Hyunjin shifted his other foot to adjust his footing. The engine roared and he jerked forward. With a gasp, he curled both hands around the wheel tighter. “Woah! It’s working! Oh…” He tapped the pedal again. “Oh, I pressed the brake instead of the gas.” 

He snorted, letting a hand come up to cover his mouth in a giggle. His body shook and he clapped his hands. “Pabo. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot. I seriously thought it was broken.” 

Jisung rounded a distant corner, leaving Hyunjin’s view. He laughed for a few more moments, but he froze when he realized none of the other members were still in sight. He gasped and pressed the correct pedal. “Oh no, I’m in last! I can’t be in last and lose to Kim Seungmin. My dignity is on the line. Waluigi away, WAAAAAAAAH!” His body slammed back into the seat as he sailed forward. 

A producer’s mouth shook. She shoved the heel of her palm into her lips, trying to keep her composure. The video director lost it and fell into a fit of laughter. Another thing to edit out in post production.

The go-pros, molded to fit each go-kart, captured everyone’s reactions as they raced. Seungmin drifted around another corner and curled his fingers through the top rope of a mystery box. His kart slowed slightly, but he kept one hand on the wheel. Using the other, he fumbled with the folded flaps. 

Shoving a hand inside the box, he hoped it was a lightning bolt. Nothing would be funnier than just starting the race and already striking everyone out. To his surprise, he pulled out a red and white speckled mushroom. Beady eyes stared at him, waiting to see what he’d do. It was about the size of his palm. 

He huffed and flung it backwards, not really remembering what it did. Behind him, Jeongin tried to catch up, but there was a good five meters between them. The kart was going as fast as it could. Unless someone could gain a power-up, Seungmin was in the lead and he’d stay there. He grumbled beneath his breath, trying to figure out how to catch up. 

The power-ups were a relief. The moment he started to scoop up a box, he briefly took his eyes off Seungmin and that was all it took. Seungmin’s launched mushroom bounced backwards and Jeongin’s go-kart bumped into it. “Wait! That’s not fair, I–” 

A whistle blew loudly from a staff member, signaling everyone to stop. “Mushroom!” They yelled. “Everyone stops for ten seconds.” 

The moment you heard it, you braked. It took a few seconds for everyone to come to a halt. In the distance, you watched Jeongin throw his hands up in the air. “This isn’t fair! He started before everyone else and now he gets a power-up to take us out?” 

Seungmin’s menacing laugh faded in the distance. In your head, you silently counted towards ten. Seungmin’s wheels blurred while he raced along. Thrilled to be taking curves and not being forced to play defense, he whistled. No matter how stupid the Bowser onesie looked, he no longer felt stupid. 

Minho’s car stopped a few centimeters in front of Chan’s. He turned around and narrowed his eyes at Chan. “Don’t think this will stop me. Princess Daisy is going to make Luigi weep.” 

Chan’s dimples appeared. He giggled before leaning forward to heckle Minho. “Aren’t we both good guys? We should work as a team.” 

“And that’s why I’m a princess and you’re not.” 

“Nepo baby.” 

Minho’s sharpness disappeared. He slumped back in his cart, as if he’d suddenly been defeated. “Wait, is she?” 

All Chan could do was throw his head in the air. He laughed and offered a shrug. While the pair pondered, they didn’t hear the whistle blow, signaling the end of ten seconds. They didn’t know until Jisung’s red kart appeared. He swerved between the pair and moved up two places. “Excuse me, coming through, thank you!” 

“Huh?” 

“HEY! HAN JISUNG GET BACK HERE!” 

When you started moving again, you realized catching up with Seungmin was pointless. When the whistle blew, Jeongin took off again. You’d accidentally pressed the wrong pedal, giving him a few extra seconds of a head start. Plus, he was already ahead anyway. 

Wind in your hair, Yoshi hat on your head, you decided to try your best. Winning was life or death to some people, but you didn’t care much about the trophy. You wanted to focus on having fun for once. Some of the Skz Code videos had to be edited and changed for your sake. The staff members did their best to accommodate you and you were grateful, but you wanted everyone to have fun without feeling like you were ruining things. 

The mystery boxes were scattered along the track. You shifted your steering wheel and grabbed one. It took some time to steady yourself, steering with one hand and opening the box with the other. Inside the box, three palm-sized gold coins appeared. Your eyes widened and a grin appeared on your face. “Perfect.” 

The track went on for quite a ways. Seungmin started singing Phoenix while he zoomed ahead. Jeongin yelled a few threats, but they went ignored. He either didn’t hear them or he did, but he wouldn’t give Jeongin the satisfaction of distracting him. 

When Felix grabbed a box and opened it, he gasped. A plush green and yellow shell appeared. He narrowed his eyes and threw the box off the track. It landed on the other side of the ring of tires. “I’m coming for you!” 

You heard the threat from behind, but you kept your eyes on Jeongin and the bare track. You’d tucked the coins in your lap, so they wouldn’t fly away while you drove. Felix curled his arm back and threw. 

The turtle shell caught gravity and hovered through the air. Whipping and curling, he had high hopes, but when it landed on the other side of the track, he gasped. “Are you serious? I wasn’t aiming that way!” 

“Can’t catch me,” you teased. 

He glared at your back and adjusted his gloved hands. “Oh, it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong now. You’ve messed with Mario. Prepare for the plunger.” He pressed the gas down further, attempting to catch up with you. 

Jeongin’s Donkey Kong tie flapped in the wind behind him. Messy tufts of black hair whipped around another curve. Seungmin drove so far ahead, when you glanced over on the distant track, you couldn’t see him. You quickly snapped your attention back to the road, defending yourself against Felix. 

Behind Felix, Jisung whistled to himself. Minho and Chan bickered and fought for sixth place. Just when the tip of a kart pulled ahead of the other, the other inched forward to take the lead. The battle came to a screeching halt when the pair passed by scattered mystery boxes without stopping. When Minho noticed, he hit the brake instantly and stopped himself in the center of the track. 

With a flush of worry, Chan stopped his own kart and glanced back. “Are you good?” 

Hyunjin’s purple kart came sputtering along from behind. One hand gripping his hat and the other easing on the brake, he slowed down. Minho stood up from his kart and walked over to one of the mystery boxes. Tutu fluttering in the wind, he bent down, picked it up, and ripped the flaps open. 

“Hyung, what are you doing? You’re in the way!” 

Minho didn’t respond to Hyunjin’s observation. Instead, he chucked the box in his direction, walked back to his car, and tossed the turtle shell at a nearby Chan. It bounced off the back of his go-kart with ease. “Ten second pause for you.” 

“Huh? Wait…” 

“See you at the finish line.” The deadpan words were said with zero mercy. Minho dropped back into his go-kart, pressed the gas, swerved around Chan, and hurried to catch up with Jisung. 

Hyunjin pointed and laughed at Chan. “Haha! The L in Luigi stands for loser!” 

Chan’s eyes narrowed. He jerked himself out of the kart and headed towards the nearest mystery box. The staff members tried to space them out enough, so the guys wouldn’t drive over and crush them with their karts. He ripped open the flaps to reveal another turtle shell. 

Hyunjin’s face fell immediately. He held up his hands to proclaim his innocence. “Wait, wait, wait, WAIT!” 

A smirk appeared on one side of Chan’s face. 

“I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! PLEASE DON’T! I’M ALREADY IN LAST! HAVE MERCY ON WALUIGI! WAAAAAAH” 

And that was how ordinary Luigi proved how ruthless he truly was. 

~ ~ ~  

“I’m coming for you!” 

“Why won’t this stupid thing drive faster?” 

“I’m gaining on you!” 

“Stop it! Hit the brakes! I thought you loved me!” 

Seungmin grinned and leaned forward in his go-kart. Changbin tried to keep ahead of him, but it wasn’t working well. So busy trying to stay steering the same way, he forgot to block an approaching Seungmin from behind. Already in the second race, the two were battling for first place. 

Behind them, you held your spot in fifth. Grumbles came from behind you. Hyunjin’s wah’s taunted you from behind. Meanwhile, Bang Chan laughed as he started to swerve between the vehicles and overtake their spots. You didn’t know how he went from last place to third, but he did. He passed you two curves ago and left you dazed. 

Along the sides of the tracks, staff members with different cameras filmed all your moves. Lenses shifted inward and zoomed out. A staff member rushed forward, changing their angle to a mystery box that Minho approached. He shoved an arm up and scooped it up with ease. A knitted star already sat in his lap. When he pulled out another, he snickered. 

“They’ll never know what hit them,” he mumbled beneath his breath. He tucked the pair between his legs, trying to keep them safe and hidden from the others. What they didn’t know now would work out in his advantage later. 

You slammed on the brakes to your kart hard and slammed forward. Your body left the seat for a few seconds before slamming back down. Not far away, the bushy tail of a black squirrel twitched. Its nose scrunched up. Whatever it found on the trail path, tiny hands shoved it into the side of its cheek. 

“Haha!” Hyunjin’s kart swung around yours. Hair flying in the wind, he sped forward. 

“Wait!” You cried out in a panic. “Hyunjin, stop! There’s a–” 

“SQUIRREL, MOVE!” He waved a frantic hand. “MOVE! MOVE! PLEASE!” 

The squirrel stayed put for a few seconds. The purr of the approaching motor caused it to freeze in a panic. As Hyunjin grew closer, it launched to the side, scampered over the rubber tires, and took off away from the track. 

Heart hammering in your chest, you let out a sigh and slowly eased a foot back on the gas. Hyunjin glanced at the squirrel, making sure it was off the road as he continued speeding ahead. 

“You nearly just killed an innocent squirrel,” you called after him. 

“I’ve got a race to win!” 

Feeling newfound vengeance for the squirrel, you shoved a foot on the throttle and propelled yourself forward. A faint shriek left your mouth as the engine launched you forward. A dip in the track twisted your stomach. For a brief moment, you felt like you were flying. 

When your engine grew louder, Hyunjin grabbed a stuffed banana and threw it ahead of him. “Eat my banana!” 

You steered your car to the right, avoiding it completely as you overtook Hyunjin. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t think about following the path you took. Instead, his go-kart flew over the knitted banana, squashed it, and then continued forward. 

“Banana for Hyunjin!” A staff member yelled. “Spin him!” 

Hyunjin’s foot left the gas instantly. “Spin me? Wait! Wait! You can’t do that! I didn’t mean to hit the banana, it was meant for–” 

Before he could finish, two of the staff members were upon him. They each grabbed a side of his go-kart and spun it around, so he was no longer facing the finish line. He threw his head back and wailed while the staff members rushed away. A third captured the entire scene with a camera. 

“Hi, Hyunjin!” Felix grinned with a frantic wave. His kart rushed forward so fast, half the backing of his fake sticky mustache flapped in the wind. “Bye, Hyunjin!” He zoomed by, passing him with ease. 

“This isn’t fair! I’ll show all of you that Waluigi isn’t to be messed with!” He turned the wheel and tried to hit the gas. The go-kart didn’t budge. “Dang it! That’s the brake!” 

While he struggled to maintain the place he once had, the rest of you continued racing for the finish line. You grabbed another mystery box and tucked more coins in your lap. Changbin and Seungmin battled for first and Chan crept towards seconds. 

Halfway through the race, you needed an upperhand, but Chan was good at defense. When you thought you found an opening to get ahead of him, he’d swing his kart and block you from gaining to third. You didn’t think you’d be this competitive, but ego took over when you zoomed through the track. It was impossible not to take part in all the excitement.

Somewhere near the back, Jisung puttered nearby the squirrel that hung out near the tracks. A cheek poked out far from whatever it’d tucked into its mouth. “Look!” He pointed out. “It looks kinda like me!” 

“Hyung, you think everything looks like you.” Jeongin sped up from behind him. 

“I do not!” Jisung waved to a nearby staff member. “Can you take a photo?” He raised his voice. “Send it to me, so I can keep it for safe-keeping. Please.” 

And that’s all it took for Jeongin to swerve around him and gain another place forward. 

When Seungmin and Changbin continued bickering, they missed two mystery boxes. Chan swerved around one, trying to keep you from third place. You slowed to grab it and busted open the flaps. When a yellow lightning bolt sat in your hands, you raised an eyebrow until you remembered what it did. 

You jerked it up high above your head. “Lightning bolt!” 

A sharp whistle blew from the same staff member that navigated the power-ups. “Lightning activated. Everyone stop your car for ten seconds.” 

Chan scoffed in part shock and part amusement when he halted. You gassed it and hurried right past him. Seungmin and Changbin parted ways for you to get through them. Seungmin shoved himself back in his kart. He spit out the words sarcastically. “Oh no, lightning.” 

“AH! WE’RE GONNA DIE!” Changbin threw himself forward and twitched over the steering wheel. 

Seungmin had forgotten they were supposed to pretend they were struck by lightning, so the editors could edit in special effects. Instead of acting, he started laughing. Clutching his chest, his body quivered with a shortness of breath. 

The rest of the guys did their best to put on a show. Jisung slumped over the side of his kart and quivered. Hyunjin shrieked and kicked up his legs, kicking the air. Jeongin’s head tipped to the side and his tongue poked out for a few seconds before he quickly sat back up. 

“Wait a minute, are we supposed to play dead or act like we got struck by lightning?” 

Felix took first place for acting. He’d unbuckled himself, rolled into the middle of the track, and somehow rolled his eyes back into his head. “I think I can see my brain.” 

It didn’t matter that he was in last and it didn’t matter that you took first place after that, he was just thrilled to have a good time with his members. 

~ ~ ~ 

Before the third race, Jisung asked for a break and you were happy to oblige. You lined your go-kart back up at the starting line and moved all the coins on your lap. You were certain you had enough for a good power-up. Deep down, you were hoping for a mushroom. 

The moment you eased yourself upright, you winced. The back of your calves cramped and protested. Reaching down, you rubbed soothing circles along the tense muscles. From the way your body was positioned in the go-kart, it must have been too much for your body to handle. You hated knowing that basic situations caused your body to protest. 

It wasn’t fair. People always say life isn’t fair, but it really wasn’t fair. No matter how much you tried to mentally stay upbeat, you secretly envied those around you who didn’t have to worry about their health as much. You never asked for a nervous system disorder. You wanted a normal life, but your body couldn’t provide that for you. 

Some days, it wasn’t only a physical issue. Mentally speaking, it drained you more than you’d like to admit. The heaviness festered within you and draped over your shoulders. While the rest of the guys laughed and joked around, you struggled to get your legs to work properly. 

“Hey, hot shot!” Felix approached you with a grin. “How does it feel to be in first place?” 

“I’m not. Seungmin won the last race. In terms of points, I think he’s ahead.” 

“Doesn’t matter. You were great out there.” He reached forward to steady your wobble. The grin instantly faded, causing guilt to erupt within your heart. “Is everything okay?” 

“Muscle cramps.” 

“Shoulders?” 

“Legs.” 

He wrapped an arm around your waist. “Come on, let’s sit somewhere out of the sun. I think the staff members have snacks and drinks inside. It’s getting too warm for my liking.” 

While the two of you walked inside, Changbin and Seungmin continued bickering over who won second place. Staff members were rewinding the footage to see who crossed over the finish line first. A few more staff members continued filming as you all walked back towards the interior building. 

Inside the brick building, air conditioning hit you full force. You reached up and took off the Yoshi hat on your head. Strands of hair stuck up in every direction, but Felix saved the day. He reached up and gently brushed your hair back down. “To be camera ready,” he joked. 

The moment you sat down in a chair, Minho appeared with a box of Pepero. His own face appeared on the front of the red box with half a heart. Since you were all working with the brand to promote it and your faces were on the boxes, the company added Pepero into the snack stashes as much as they could. 

He tugged out one of the cookie sticks coated in milk chocolate and pushed it towards your mouth. “Open up, it’s Pepero time.” 

For once, you didn’t disagree. Your lips parted instantly and you bit down on the stick the moment it was in your mouth. As chocolate exploded against your tongue, you savored the crunch and the sweetened flavor. At this point, you were certain Minho knew what you needed before you knew what you needed. 

You pushed your legs out straight and sank back in your chair. Felix patted your head lightly. “You’re cute when you’re sleepy.” 

“I’m not sleepy.” 

“Your eyes say something different, they’ve drooped. You can’t hide it from us.” 

“Shh. Let the sleepy baby eat the Pepro. It’s good for children and adults alike,” Minho whispered. 

“I’m not a child,” you protested. 

“You’re letting me feed you like one.” 

You shot a glare at Minho. He laughed and reached for another Pepero stick. “It’s okay, I like taking care of you.” 

“We all do,” Felix agreed. 

As the minutes ticked onward, you started to feel better. Your muscles eased and with the help of the food in your system, you felt prepared to race again. The others looked just as anxious to get back to racing as you did. Jisung’s glance kept going to the wall of windows that overlooked the outdoor track. Large rectangular windows showed glimpses of the outside. 

Most staff members left their cameras outside on camera stands. Some placed their handheld cameras down, so they could grab something from the snacks they brought along. Circular tables speckled part of the building’s interior. The building held a small inside restaurant, but it wouldn’t be open today. Everyone agreed it wasn’t necessary for the shoot.

Changbin brushed his fingers through the strands of blonde along his sides. The Princess Peach wig fell down his back. Pieces of bangs had been sealed into place with multiple shots of hairspray. The ends tangled together from the wind catching it and knotting the synthetic pieces together. 

Bang Chan worked with furrowed eyebrows. He slowly undid the knots and used his fingers to brush the long strands back. While he worked, Changbin bounced up and down on his feet. 

The only one who didn’t seem ready to go back to racing was Jeongin. He slumped over one of the tables with his phone out. His thumb moved over the screen and he tapped rapidly. The monkey ear headband along his head slumped backwards. His tie perched itself sideways, but he didn’t care. 

“Look at this squirrel.” Jisung held his phone in Jeongin’s direction. “He looks like me.” 

Jeongin briefly glanced up before looking back to his phone. “Looks like a squirrel. You still look more like a quokka.” 

“How can you not see it?” Jisung dropped his phone and leaned over the table. “Can you see it now?” He blew air into one of his cheeks, causing it to poke out. 

Jeongin didn’t look up from his phone. “Nope, don’t see it.” 

“Oh, come on!” 

“Be honest, Seungmin, do these suspenders look good on me?” Hyunjin shifted and popped out a hip. “I can’t remember the last time I wore suspenders, but these are doing something for me.” 

“Hmm, yeah, totally.” Seungmin crunched down on his own Pepero stick. “Making you like a total nerd. Feels right up your alley.” 

Hyunjin huffed and stomped towards you and the others. “Guys, do these suspenders look good on me? Seungmin can’t give me an honest answer.” 

“That was an honest answer,” Seungmin chimed in as he followed from behind. “I told you how I really felt. They make you look like a nerd. All you need is a pair of black glasses with a band-aid holding them together in the middle.” 

Hyunjin grumbled and reached for his long sleeves. He grabbed the silk fabric, unclasped a button, and rolled up the sleeve to reveal a bare forearm. As he worked, you lightly nudged Felix’s rib cage and towards Hyunjin’s hat. The baseball cap sat on an angle. Felix reached his arm up and readjusted the plum hat. “Now you look like a proper Waluigi.” 

“I can’t believe Mario understands me out of everyone here.” 

“I agree with Seungmin,” Minho added. “Nerd alert.” 

“How dare you–” He curled his fists and stepped forward, but he retreated when Minho shot him a glare. He stepped back immediately and started apologizing.

You pushed yourself upright to settle them. “Guys, let's not fight. We have to race again and we…” Your words quieted and trailed off. “We um…” 

Tunnel vision morphed and funneled. Dots speckled and swirled. The voices you could once hear clearly dissolved into a muffled noise. The room tipped and swirled. Shaky fingers reached out to grab the table in front of you, but you missed. 

By the time the guys realized what was happening, you were already on the floor. Staff members froze in their spots. The camera director rushed forward, but he couldn’t get through the guys that’d already circled around you. Felix softly called your name, lightly shaking your shoulder. Minho’s fingers brushed through your hair, trying to make sure you didn’t crack open the back of your skull. 

“What happened?” Changbin gripped the edges of his skirt and walked closer. “Should we call an ambulance?” 

Minho shook his head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think they’re bleeding.” He shoved back the long strands of his own wig. 

Chan’s fingers left Changbin’s wig and he walked over. His hand curled over Minho’s shoulder. His lips pursed at the sight of your pale face. It wasn’t the first time you fainted around them, but it never failed to pinch their hearts with anxiety. 

Felix called your name softly again. 

“We should have noticed,” Seungmin mumbled. 

Hyunjin’s playful energy dissolved instantly. He no longer worried about his suspenders or his hat. His focus was now on you. Everyone was focused on you. Even Jeongin glanced up and hurried over when the thud sounded. 

“Does anyone have ice? Let’s give them space. Don’t crowd them.” Chan gave Minho’s shoulder a light squeeze and pulled away. He stood upright and waved some of the others back. 

The whole situation happened so fast, it was only about a minute, but it felt like hours. Your eyebrows furrowed first. The faintest groan bellowed from the depths of your stomach and through your vocal chords. Felix’s thumb brushed between the wrinkles along your eyebrows. 

“Easy there, don’t try to get up.” 

You mumbled his name and attempted to open your eyes. The moment your eyes opened, the world spun again. You squeezed them shut and swallowed, trying to fight the brewing nausea. 

Minho reached up and lightly poked your nose. “You gave us all a heart attack.” 

“What’s new?” You croaked. 

“Well, I’ve never seen a fainting Yoshi before.” 

Snickers and faint laughter filled the air. Minho beamed at his own joke, thrilled to break the tension. The room felt like it could breathe again. Staff members eased back into their seats. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” Felix asked. 

“Fainting. Scaring the shit out of everyone. Wasting the storage on the SD cards in the cameras.” Your voice must have come out far louder than you intended it to. 

Changbin scurried forward in front of the nearest camera. One of the staff members still had it rolling, but he’d placed it down when everything happened with you. The camera continued recording and angled upright. Changbin stood in front and waved rapidly. 

“Film me! Watch this! I’m super shy, super shy!” 

The dance moves to the NewJeans song came out with ease. He hadn’t danced to the song in a while, but it was easier to distract a filming camera than have you worry about it. 

“Look at that! Someone join me!” 

Jisung slid into the frame and picked up the moves instantly. Sneakers scraped along the floor as they moved and fell into perfect sync. Changbin continued singing, shaking his shoulders to give a spectacular performance. 

“I feel like a burden,” you mumbled. 

“This isn’t a burden. A burden is what happens when Hyunjin comes over and clogs our toilet.” Seungmin folded his arms over his chest. 

You froze in shock. Minho snorted. Felix jerked his head and shoved his forming smile into his shoulder, trying not to laugh. Chan spun around and scratched the back of his head, acting like he didn’t hear anything. It was Jeongin whose face morphed into horror. Eyes scrunched in disgust, nose wrinkled, he broke the sudden silence. 

“Ew!” 

Hyunjin’s cheeks flush red instantly. “Shut up! It was one time! It’s not my fault the restaurant gave me food poisoning!"

Seungmin tsked and shook his head. “You weren’t the one who had to call the plumber and I’m not talking about Mario and Luigi here.” 

Hyunjin’s hands shook frantically. “No, no! That’s not what happened! There wasn’t a–” 

“There most certainly was. We had to replace the entire toilet and everything. That room smelled like hot ass for nearly an entire week afterwards. No amount of air freshener diminished the sour hell that you left in the pipes.” 

“It’s not like you couldn’t afford it!” Hyunjin threw his hands up in the air. 

“It’s a matter of dignity and you used yours to clog my favorite toilet. I might forgive, but I won't forget and neither will my nose.” 

Small squeaks of laughter escaped Chan’s chest. He curled his arms around his shaking body and sank to the floor. Jisung stumbled from his own laughter and crashed into Changbin. The two of them both toppled to the floor, sending more fits of laughter around the entire room. 

You didn’t feel great, but you even started laughing, unable to help it. The angle of Hyunjin scowling with his arms crossed over his chest. His squeaky black boot tapping against the floor in pure annoyance was hysterical. He glanced down and took his attention to you. 

“I’m glad you find my tummy troubles humorous. You all laugh now, but when your bowels rumble and you clog a toilet, this won’t be so funny anymore.” 

“It’s not that you clogged a toilet, it’s that a plumber had to come in and–” 

“AH!” Jeongin shrieked and shoved hands over his eyes. “No! No! No more! My eyes! My brain! My nose!” 

Hyunjin’s face softened at Jeongin’s horror. “At least there’s one person not laughing at me.” 

“From now on, you’re never allowed to use Chan and I’s bathroom.” 

“Oh, come on!” 

“Do you think you can sit up now?” Minho turned his attention back to you. “Do you need water?” 

“My stomach hurts far more than my head. I guess laughter is the best medicine.” You didn’t fight as he grabbed your wrists and helped pull you into a seated position. 

Felix shifted behind you and kept his arms out, just in case you fell back again. “We’ve got you no matter what.” 

“Unless you clog someone’s toilet,” Hyunjin grumbled, “and then they’ll leave you on your own and laugh at you.” 

Before you were back to your feet, you found yourself laughing once again. 

~ ~ ~ 

“Are you sure?” Jisung’s eyes sparkled in front of you. He stood in front of your go-kart and didn’t move. The mushroom beanie kept his longer hair pressed down. 

All nine of you were lining back up to start the third race. It took a few minutes for everyone to settle themselves inside the building, but you were certain you wanted to complete the rest of the races. You didn’t want to miss out and you’d worked hard to be in the top four during the first two races. 

“Of course, I’m sure. If I need to stop, I’ll stop. Until then, I’m ready to kick ass and get the trophy.” 

“I’m holding you to that,” Minho yelled across the way. “Everyone heard that. No take backs.” 

“On again like Donkey Kong!” 

“It’s-ah me, Mario! Yippy!” 

“It’s me, Princess Peach! Hehe!” Changbin twirled a synthetic strand of blonde hair around his finger again. He spoke in a high-pitched voice. 

“Meeska Mooska, Mickey Mouse!”

Felix jerked himself upright in his go-kart. “Woah! Who did that? That was spot on!” 

You waved your hand towards him. His jaw dropped in shock. Jisung laughed and took his spot next to you. “You can do Mickey Mouse too?” 

“I can do a lot of things.” 

“Let's go! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!” Seungmin rocked himself, trying to inch the go-kart forward. He didn’t hit the gas pedal again, but he wanted to. It took everything inside of him to leave this race a fair one. 

Some of the guys had exchanged coins for power-ups, but you kept your coins safe inside the building. You didn’t feel a hundred percent, but the guys made you rest for a few minutes before everyone came back outside to finish the races. You cracked your knuckles and waited for the whistle to blow. 

Some of the members kept stealing glances your way. You hated when they fawned over you, but they couldn’t help themselves. Even now, they had to trust you and trust you to speak up if you needed help. There were days you waited until the last moment before asking for assistance. It’d been tricky to find the balance between overbearing members and establishing your independence. 

The rumble of engines started and you started your own engine. It hummed to life beneath the green frame. You’d readjusted the Yoshi hat on your head and you were prepared to do whatever it took to win. Not everyone had power-ups, so you were focused on grabbing mystery boxes and working your way up to the front of the track kart-by-kart. If you rushed to the front, you were certain you’d be halted by a turtle shell or a banana. 

“Are you all ready?” Changbin asked. 

“Yep.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Skrt!” 

“Let’s go!” 

He flashed a big thumbs up to the staff member and then the whistle blew. You didn’t hit the gas pedal right away. As the others zoomed ahead, you gave a few second head start to them before racing off and sliding into 5th place. In front of you, Hyunjin shrieked as he powered through the wind. It’d picked up since you were inside, making everyone feel like they were flying. 

Staff members rushed further ahead to different sections of the track, trying to capture a multitude of angles. Once again, Seungmin took first place. For having a onesie and looking silly, he sure did race well. This was the second race that he’d taken the lead on. 

“Kim Seungmin, enjoy first place while it lasts!” Minho taunted behind him. 

“And you can kiss it while you’re back there.” 

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, PUNK?” 

“I said,” Seungmin sucked in a deep breath, “kiss it!” 

Minho reached into the ruffles of orange around his leg and grabbed a turtle shell. He lobbed it towards Seungmin. It flew with a perfect arch, flying through the air with the greatest of ease, but Seungmin sensed it. He jerked his wheel instantly, causing the shell to sail past him and hit the pavement. 

“Jerk!” 

Seungmin’s laughter continued to enrage him. All nine of the go-karts curled around the track and through another loop. The track contained multiple curves that used to throw you off. By the third time, you were finally used to navigating how the curves went. The first race, you were all a little unnerved by the unfamiliar track, but by this point, you were prepared to do whatever it took to win. 

You gunned it, sailing after Hyunjin. When mystery boxes came into view, you scooped one up and shoved it into your lap. It wasn’t easy to rip open the flaps with one hand, but you managed to do it. A banana with beady black eyes stared at you when you opened the box. You grinned and threw the box to the side. It sailed over the line of tires and off the track. 

Hyunjin sang some song you didn’t know. You gripped the banana tighter and threw it with all your might. Just when you thought you’d hit the right target, it sailed forward and slammed into Felix’s back. 

“Wahahah! Banana!” Hyunjin taunted him. 

Felix slammed on the brakes. For once, he’d finally been towards the front of everyone. “Are you serious? Who hit me?” 

“I’m sorry!” You and Hyunjin swerved around him. “I meant to hit Hyunjin.” 

“You’ll pay for this!” 

Staff members appeared from the sides of the track. Just as they spun Felix’s go-kart around, a high-pitched scream came from the distance. Jeongin held a star plushie above his head hooting and hollering. Felix watched in disbelief as Jeongin passed him. 

By the time Felix maneuvered his go-kart back in the right direction, he was in last place. He scowled and drove forward, but this was the third race. He’d been near last place so many times, it was pointless to try and win now. The third race was almost over. 

“Turtle shell for you! Take this!” Chan tossed the shell at Changbin. “And one for you!” He swung another and it bounced perfectly off of Jisung’s kart. “Nice knowing you!” 

Changbin scoffed. Jisung groaned and slumped back in his kart. The two of them were doomed. Forced to take a ten second pause, at least they were suffering alone. Just when they thought the time was up, Minho activated a mushroom, causing everyone to halt for ten seconds. He proudly sailed over the finish line, stopped his go-kart, whirled around to face Seungmin, and stuck his tongue out at him. 

It took everything inside of Seungmin not to raise the middle finger and tell him to go fuck himself. 

~ ~ ~ 

You didn’t have much hope of gaining first place in the last race. The adrenaline started to wear off and you were just about ready for everything to be over. You sucked in a deep breath and sighed. The star plushie you’d bought with your coins sat on your lap. You wanted a mushroom or a lightning strike, but you didn’t have enough coins. 

Most of the others were inside purchasing items. After buying yours, you drank half a bottle of water and returned to your go-kart. A few empty go-karts away, Changbin glanced in your direction when he heard your sigh. 

“Are you good over there?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired from the day’s events. I don’t think that fainting spell helped.” 

“Probably not, but I’m glad you feel better.” 

“Me too.” 

He looked down at the three turtle shells in his hands, before glancing back at you. “Wanna make an alliance? I think we should target Lee Know and Seungmin. If you don’t try and hit me, I won’t hit you with my turtle shells.” 

You considered it for a few seconds. “How do I know you’re being honest?” 

“I’ll give you a turtle shell to prove it.” He reached out and extended a pink-gloved arm. 

You stared at the shell and shook your head. “Nah, I trust you. Your aim is probably better than mine. Sure, I’ll take you up on your alliance.” 

“Thank god, the more people I have on my side, the better. I already have Chan, Jisung, and Jeongin. Felix has declined and when I asked Hyunjin, I don’t think he was listening. He started twirling around and disappeared inside.” 

You let out a laugh, knowing how silly it must have looked. Hyunjin had a song in his head all day and everyone was aware. He kept singing it when he zoned out. A staff member told him to keep it to a minimum for copyright purposes, but you didn’t think he’d been listening. 

“What are you two laughing about?” Seungmin strolled to his go-kart and slung a leg inside the low resting frame. “Prepared to lose this round again?” 

“Your pride will be your downfall,” Changbin announced. He adjusted in his own kart and tugged the gloves higher up on his elbows. He cracked his fingers and curled them around the steering wheel. 

Murmurs and laughter came from the building. Bang Chan struggled to get into his go-kart. His arms overflowed with stuffed plushies. A turtle shell fell and bounced near Felix’s kart. Just when Chan bent down to pick it up, another shell dropped and rolled. 

“Dang it,” he mumbled beneath his breath. He walked over and reached for that one, only to lose a mushroom. He adjusted his reach before bending down and a star toppled to the ground. 

Minho pointed and laughed. Jeongin climbed back out of his cart and walked over. “Hyung, you’re losing all your stuff.” 

“I’m not trying to.” Chan adjusted his arms. Two more plushies dropped to his feet and rolled in opposite directions. He used his chin to catch another slipping mushroom. “I spent all my coins, I want to get first this time.” 

“You’re not going to get anywhere if your aim is as bad as your ability to carry things.” Seungmin joked. 

Jisung’s eyes widened and a squeak came from him. He pinched his lips shut in an attempt to hold back his laughter, but instead, a noise that resembled a trumpet came out. As everyone laughed, Jeongin tried to gather some of the items Chan had dropped. 

A staff member came over carrying a mystery box. “Here, use this. Put everything in it and keep it in your lap.” 

Chan sighed in relief. “Thank you, you’re a lifesaver.” He stood still while Jeongin unloaded the items from his hands and placed them into the box the staff member held. 

Finally geared up and ready to go, you set your eyes on the pavement ahead. The track expanded forward quite a distance before it looped. From what you knew from your previous placements, you were certain you wouldn’t be in last place. That’s the only thing that mattered. As long as you weren’t in last place, you’d be happy. 

Engines purred, a whistle blew, and then you were off. Shooting forward, tires squealing on concrete, rubber burnt, and then there were screams. Hoots and hollers from jubilant lungs. Adrenaline pumped through their veins and the wind shot them forward. Each one raced for first, but only fate would allow one to cross the finish line. 

You kept a leg of the star tucked safely under an elbow. As you maneuvered each curve, you glided through the others. Chan kept his box upright between his forearms. When Seungmin tried to cut him off, Chan whacked the back of his head with a turtle shell. 

“That shouldn’t count!” Seungmin protested. “He tried to concuss me!” 

“Sore loser,” Minho taunted. He sped up, tailing behind Chan’s go-kart. As long as he kept an eye on Chan and didn’t pass him, he could go for second place. Not that it mattered much, he’d pretty much secured himself a slot in the top three places. 

“Hey, stranger!” It was Jisung that settled his cart on the opposite side of yours. The two of you took up the rest of the track, keeping multiple other members behind you. “How about the two of us stay like this and call it even?” 

You tried to count how many others were in front of you. So many were already pulling ahead. You’d never admit it out loud, but you were certain some of the go-karts were faster than the others. Minho and Seungmin always seemed to be either in first or second place. 

“Give me a good reason why I shouldn’t go around you and cut you off?” 

“Because we’re cool with one another,” Jisung quickly spat out. “There’s three others behind us and–” 

You cut him off by gassing it. He watched with an open mouth. You jerked ahead and wedged yourself between Jeongin’s go-kart and the side panel. In a panic, Jeongin jerked the wheel to the side. He was once going down the track in the center of it, but not anymore. 

“What are you doing? You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“It’s the last race, so I might as well go big or go home.” 

“Don’t hurt yourself.” 

“No promises.” 

Jeongin regained his focus, but he kept an eye on you. He’d been worried about you since you fainted nearly an hour ago. Out of all the people there, he probably worried the most. You felt like a sibling and if something happened where you fainted in the middle of go-karting, he’d carry around the guilt for months. If something happened to you and he wasn’t there, he always felt guilty. No matter how many times you reassured him it was never his fault, it didn’t erase the band of guilt wrapped around his heart. 

“Incoming!” 

You gasped, nearly slamming on the brakes. A gap came between you and Jeongin. Jisung sped up and just barely missed colliding with the two of you. “Sorry!” He cried out as he flew by. “I hit the wrong pedal.” 

“Wrong move, bucko!” Jeongin reached beneath his thigh and grabbed his hidden plush banana. When he was helping Chan with everything, he’d shoved one of the bananas into his back pocket. 

The banana slammed into the back of an escaping Jisung. He swerved left and then right. Tires skidded along the tracks. Jisung shrieked, but quickly regained his steering, only to come to a stop. You started to laugh, but it was cut off when you sailed over the banana that hit Jisung. 

“No!” You cried out as you came to a stop. 

Two staff members spun Jisung’s cart around to face you. When he saw you not moving, he nearly climbed out of his cart, but he stopped when he watched the same staff members approach you. They picked up the back of your green kart and swiveled it, so you were stuck facing the others. 

Jisung busted into a fit of laughter when he understood what was happening. The face down banana mocked you a few feet away. It stood with open peels, mocking you with its bright coloring. 

“Ugh, this is so stupid!” 

When the others passed by, you turned the wheel all the way to the side and hit the gas. It took you a few seconds before you were facing the right direction and speeding past Jisung again. His laughter cut off and he attempted to follow. Instead of chasing you and catching up, he slammed the front of his go-kart straight into the line of rubber tires. His kart bounced off and then flew backwards, causing him to slam back in his seat in shock. 

The go-pro attached to the front of the frame shook and dropped to the ground. It landed face down and continued recording. Jisung quickly unbuckled himself and rushed towards it. “Oh no, oh no, oh no. Did I break the camera?” He lifted it up and checked everything. “Are you okay, Stay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drop you on your face like that.” 

Meanwhile, those in the lead were gunning it for the finish line. Minho swerved rapidly behind Chan. In a desperate move to finish first, Chan lifted up the power-ups and started firing without looking. How on earth he’d gathered up so many coins, nobody knew. He practically bought all the items that were left in the store after the others made their purchases. 

“Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Banana! Oh, another banana!” He giggled and continued steering with one hand. His kart drifted to the side, but he stopped throwing to realign it. 

Minho slowed way down to drive through the maze of obstacles, but Changbin, Seungmin, and Hyunjin didn’t. Changbin pleaded for mercy, but a banana sent staff members sprinting across the track to turn him around. Seungmin sailed straight over his first banana of the game. Hyunjin’s taunting laughter was silenced when he hit a turtle shell and was forced to pause for ten seconds. 

Threats were thrown Chan’s way, but none of them left a mark. He pulled out a mushroom and sent it flying backwards. The staff member with a whistle blew it sharply. “Mushroom! Everyone stop for ten seconds!” 

“Mushroom! Mushroom! Mushroom! Mushroom! Lightning!” Bang Chan giggled, threw multiple power-ups behind him, and tossed the empty box to the side. 

The staff member chuckled and counted the mushrooms before blowing her whistle again and informing everyone of the newfound fifty second pause and an added ten seconds of lightning strikes. 

Shrieks of defeats sounded, but you used it to your advantage. You didn’t stop as you zoomed forward and held up your star. “Star power!” 

You weaved between the stopped go-karts. Felix cheered your name loudly and clapped. “Go! Go! Go! Get him!” 

Your go-kart shifted and bumped as you ran over a few of the plushies Chan had thrown, but they couldn’t stop you with the star power activated. You floored it, but in the end, Chan crossed the finish line first. It took about twenty seconds before you crossed it. You dropped the star in your lap and eased on the brakes. 

“Nice driving, Charles Leclerc.” Chan reached out a hand and high-fived you. “Second place is pretty good.” 

“I think the others are planning your death.” 

“Worth it. I can’t wait to watch the video and see the looks on their faces.” 

“Pure rage.” 

He laughed in delight. The two of you talked and waited for the others to appear. Grumbles of defeat, huffs, and wails. When everyone crossed the finish line, the staff members started to tally up the results. You left your go-kart and rolled your neck around, trying to ease the tension. 

Changbin kicked a stray pebble and watched it sail down the pavement. “I can’t believe I got nearly everyone to team up against Seungmin and Minho, but Chan ended up being the biggest threat.” 

Chan’s dimples appeared and he innocently shrugged. “I told you I was going all in during the last race.” 

“Waluigi is humiliated.” Hyunjin dropped his body to the ground and sprawled out on his back. “Wah… Waluigi claims defeat to Luigi.” 

“How pitiful.” Minho walked over and lifted his foot. He dropped his shoe on Hyunjin’s stomach, pretending to stand on him. “Princess Daisy would never make a fool of herself and get her dress dirty. Waluigi has zero shame.” 

“Wah is me,” Hyunjin whined sadly. 

Jisung appeared beside you and dropped his head to your shoulder. Your arm naturally curled around his waist to steady him. Your head shifted to find his face. “Everything okay?” 

He sucked in a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sulking. I know I didn’t drive as well as I wanted to. Driving a go-kart is hard when you’re not used to it.” 

“Did you have fun?” 

His head jerked up instantly. “Of course.” His left eyebrow quipped up. “Didn’t you have fun?” 

“Mhm. That’s the only thing that matters. It’s not about perfection, it’s about having fun.” 

“It’s certainly a memory I won’t forget.” 

Seungmin adjusted the fabric of his Bowser hood once more. When a staff member stepped over and handed him the card with everyone’s placements, he scanned it. “Okay everyone, should we start in last place or do we skip to the top three winners?” 

“Nobody cares about last place, read off the top three.” Jeongin propped his body up against a piece of nearby brick building. 

The nine of you and staff members gathered beneath an overhead tin roof. It was near the starting line for go-karts. Only a few staff members appeared with their cameras to film everyone. The rest of the staff members set out to pick up the plushies, mystery boxes, and to turn off the go-pros attached to the go-karts. 

“In that case, drumroll please.” 

You and a few others tapped your hands on your thighs. As much as you wanted it to be you, you weren’t certain it would be. Throughout every race, you didn’t note what position you were in during the race. You should have, but you’d been so distracted and excited, you couldn’t focus. 

“Third place goes to Bang Chan.” 

Chan excitedly clapped his hands and bowed deeply. “I worked hard to be in the top three. I’m honored and I–” 

“Yeah, nobody cares. Anyway, second place is Minho.” 

“Huh?” Minho’s eyes widened. He pointed to himself. “Me? I got second place?” 

Seungmin’s head shook. “Nah, I’m joking. I got second place and you took it home with first place.” 

“Really?” 

Seungmin nodded. Minho’s shocked face switched and filled with a smirk. “What did I tell you? Fight hard and you’ll be rewarded.” 

“Uh.” Jeongin scratched the back of his head. “I don’t ever remember you saying that.” 

A staff member tapped Felix on the shoulder. He glanced around to see a staff member hand him a plastic trophy. His face lit up as he took it. “Thank you. Hyung, I think this is for you.” He walked towards Minho with it lifted high above his head. “You can take it home and put it in a display case.” 

A plastic golden star jutted out of a black circular frame. About the size of a human hand, it was smaller than you expected it to be. Despite it being plastic, Minho cradled it with both hands. He pulled it against his chest. 

“Thank you to everyone for driving badly. South Koreans everywhere should pay attention while driving. Some of these idiots can legally drive and as you just saw, it’s not safe for people.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Hey!” 

“I’ve had my driver’s license longer than you.” 

“Not cool dude.” 

Minho grinned, squeezed his eyes shut, and held up his trophy proudly. 

All you could do was laugh. 

~ ~ ~ 

The excitement wore off and faded at the restaurant. With each bite of beef from the bubbling hot pot in front of you, a sleepy feeling washed over you. You did your best to consume a few bites of side dishes and some of the beef that Chan served you, but you were exhausted. The day took its toll on you heavily. 

The others were pretty rowdy, but when they noticed your drooping eyes and the way your eating slowed down, they slowly toned down their volume. Chan placed a few more slices of cooked beef into a small glass dish. Minho took them and placed them in front of you. 

“Eat a few more bites before you fall asleep. You’ll thank me when you don’t wake up starving. Eat up before it gets cold.” 

You knew better than to protest against Minho’s demands. While one might find them a bit harsh, you knew it was out of love. You forced the chopsticks in your hand to move and curl around the soup-soaked beef. 

All nine of you headed out for hot pot, courtesy of the company. Usually, you’d be a little more alert and interactive, but you didn’t have the energy anymore. Eating felt like it was taking the last bit of strength you had. You chewed quietly, breathing in the scents of food around you. Garlic, chili, daiko radish, bean sprouts, etc. 

Mushrooms soaked up the spice from the distant spicy hot pot. Two tables were shoved together, so you could all sit down together. Half of you on one side and half on the other. You shoveled bean sprouts into your mouth and chewed. They’d coated up some of the beef flavor from the strips of beef. Everything tasted better than you ever imagined. Each swallow warmed your stomach and reminded you of home. 

Beside you, Jeongin was still chewing his own food when you swallowed and gently leaned your head on his shoulder. He wasn’t a big fan of skinship, but he didn’t mind when it came from you. If anything, he liked knowing that you relied on him to keep you steady. 

“Did you like racing as Yoshi?” His voice softened. 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Fourth place is pretty good.” 

“Mhm.” 

“Did you have enough to eat?” 

“One more bite and I think I’ll fall asleep.” 

Unbeknownst to you two, on the opposite side of the table, Hyunjin tugged out his phone and took a photo of the two of you. In the frozen frame, Jeongin looked at you with a softness that he didn’t tote around openly. Felix shifted back, so he could see the photo as well. 

“They’re so cute,” Hyunjin cooed. 

“Can you send me that?” 

Hyunjin nodded and opened up his text messages, so he could send it to Felix. While Felix waited for it, he mumbled to himself. “Next time we race, if we race like this, I want to be Wario.” 

“Wario or Mario, you still won’t get first place,” Seungmin taunted. 

Felix stuck his tongue out in his direction. The three of them fell into a conversation about the day’s events, but they didn’t stop glancing over at you. Jeongin protectively made sure you were steady on his shoulder as you fought against your own exhaustion. It was one of those times that your body couldn’t fight it as much as you wanted to.

Jisung finished eating after you. He slumped back in his chair and rubbed his stomach. “I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s good, but I’m so full.” 

“Poor thing.” Changbin reached over and patted Jisung’s stomach. “You ate well.” 

“I really did.” He reached over and pushed the bottom of his chopsticks into his mouth. They slipped beneath his top lips. “Look I’m a walrus!” 

You caught his voice and glanced over. He curled his top lip back, keeping the chopsticks in place. The moment you saw the dumb look on his face, you chuckled. “Good one.” 

When the others noticed, they laughed. Minho reached over and pulled the chopsticks from his mouth. “We’re in a public restaurant.” 

“Public restaurants can serve walruses.” 

As the two bickered, your eyes fluttered shut. The clinking of ice against glasses, the murmurs sprinkled around the table, the warmth of Jeongin’s shoulder pressed against your cheek. Everyone was still in their Mario costumes. While Minho and Jisung bickered, they were still dressed as Princess Daisy and Toad. Minho refused to remove the plastic crown headband off his head. 

While the rest consumed their food, you drifted off to sleep. When everyone finished and started to gather up stuff to leave, Jeongin quietly called Chan’s name. Chan stopped pushing in his chair and looked up. 

“They’re asleep and I don’t want to wake them up, it’s been such a long day.” 

Before Chan could do anything, Changbin stepped forward. “Don’t worry, I’ve got them. Stay still and I’ll move them. If someone wants to open the car door when we get out there, I can put them inside.” 

You barely stirred when hands curled beneath your body. Your head went from Jeongin’s shoulder to Changbin’s chest. He hoisted your body with ease, not even breaking a sweat. Your sneakers dangled and so did one of your arms. Felix grabbed your wrist and carefully curled it over your body, so it didn’t bump into anything. 

“They’re so precious,” Jisung whispered. 

In the darkened parking lot, Changbin maneuvered between vehicles and approached Hyunjin’s car. It was the same car you’d come to the restaurant in. Your body shifted and you were slowly placed in a seat. Seungmin worked quickly, opening up the opposite car door and reaching across the bench seats. He grabbed the seat belt and pulled it across your body, trying to keep you upright. 

“Can someone climb in, so they don’t fall over? I don’t want them leaned up against the window. If we hit a bump, they’ll hit their head.” 

“I’ve got it.” Jeongin hoisted himself along the right side of you when Changbin pulled back. 

Your head found itself back against Jeongin’s arm. Seungmin climbed into the other seat beside you. Felix found the passenger’s seat and Hyunjin headed for the driver’s door. The other four lingered, making sure everyone was properly inside the vehicle. 

“Are you all good?” Chan asked, scanning the guys. “Do you have everything?” 

“Wait!” Hyunjin shifted in his seat to face the back door. “Can you guys shift yourselves into the back seat? I want to take a group photo before we go. We’re still dressed up and I think this is the perfect moment.” 

Outside, Jisung and Minho shared a look. Changbin’s hand came up and lightly shoved Jisung towards the car. “Come on, you heard him.” 

It took about two minutes to get everyone into place. Hyunjin extended his arm forward, so he could capture everyone. Jisung ended up sitting on Felix’s lap in the passenger’s seat. Minho slouched over Seungmin’s lap. Changbin crawled into the trunk and posed behind the back row of seats. Chan slumped over Jeongin’s lap and grinned. 

“Everyone smile!” Hyunjin’s face lit up and he adjusted the angle. 

With your head drooped on Jeongin’s shoulder and unaware of what was happening, you were the only one who didn’t. Eyes shut and face relaxed, you stayed asleep throughout the whole thing. Hyunjin snapped one photo and then another and then another. 

You wouldn’t know it was taken until two weeks later when you’d find a copy of it dead center on the fridge. 

You might have struggled with your nervous system, but no matter what you struggled with, the guys had you and you had them; you were certain they’d be the reason you fought through every battle and lived a long, long life.

Taglist: @lia-linny @seungnishi @stellasays45 @emilyywhyy @rockstarkkami @flightlessackerman @inlovewithstraykids @velvetmoonlght @chrizrizz @ari-hwanggg @m-325 @justcallmewhatyoulike @bokkiesluv @phinnyphinnegan @zayn-210 @beal-o @geni-627 @princesskrystix @itsraininghyunebuckets @makaira-nina2005 @enhacolor @ayedomino008 @iconicallyher @emeraldgem22 @sapphirewaves @karlee10261990 @niku0704

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

You cannot find the TikTok page because I took it down. During that time, I was making videos and then I took them down because I didn't like them. I couldn't get the editing app I was using to work properly and I deleted everything out of frustration. You aren't missing anything by missing the TikToks, I promise. I thought I completely deleted any mentions of the TikTok page when I took that page down, but apparently I didn't. I'll have to go back in and take out the mentions of it.

The two of us are currently pretty well. It's getting warmer and I'm hoping some spring/summer adventures are in the works. In my humble opinion, adventures are the most important part of life. I find myself looking forward to them more than anything else. Go on more adventures, it makes life way more exciting. No matter how small or how big, seek out adventures in everything you do.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I grew up that same way. I didn't go to the dentist until I started having tooth pain as a kid. Some parents don't see it as a necessary and some don't have the finances. Whatever the case, it's not your fault. I've noticed that people tend to grow up with some of their parents' beliefs. If your parents weren't taken to the dentist much as a kid, they probably think it's normal not to go unless there's a major issue.

It does feel incredibly invasive, especially when you've never been there. However, dentists and their assistants are usually there for one purpose and one purpose only: to make sure patients are able to get the help they need, so they can have functional teeth throughout their lives. As someone who has been to different dentists, they've always been pretty good about telling me what they're doing before they do it.

You are totally allowed to ask if they can explain each step of what they're doing, so you understand what's happening at all times. You are in control of what happens to your mouth. If you are uncomfortable with something, if you need a few moments to breathe, you are allowed to ask them to pause. A good dentist will understand your anxiety. To find a good dentist, check out their reviews. If I go to a new doctor/dentist/eye doctor, I'm always looking at the review page on Google.

If they need to do something like pull a tooth, fill a cavity, etc, you're numbed. If you can still feel something after being numbed, if you let them know, they'll fix it. They don't want you to feel what they're doing in invasive procedures. Teeth are bones and the center of them are filled with nerve endings. Their goal is to numb everything and make things as painless as possible. Don't ever be afraid to speak up at a dentist, your comfort is worth it.

Just because something happened to your mom, it doesn't mean it'll happen to you. That's kinda wild, I've never heard of it. All my baby teeth, if I didn't touch them, they'd always find a way to free themselves. I bet your baby tooth was really stuck in there. It must want to be with you forever, huh? I know you're frustrated and annoyed, but in a way, it's kind of cute that your baby tooth wanted to stay with you.

Are you sure you'd have to get full braces? If you've never been to the dentist, a dentist will look at your mouth and determine whether they think your teeth alignment needs some extra assistance with alignment. If you're only having one issue with a single tooth, I don't think they'd force you to get a mouthful of braces, unless they were concerned about the way multiple teeth are aligned.

And even then, in some places they only do braces on the top or bottom teeth. Some braces are placed behind teeth, so nobody can see them. In some places now, they have things like Invisalign. It's a clear plastic retainer that sits on your teeth to straighten them. It all depends on your dentist, the severity of the issues in your mouth, and what they think works best for you. If you haven't been to a dentist and they haven't said you needed braces, I wouldn't worry about needing braces until you're specifically told you need them.

Braces can be scary, but after a while, they become pretty normal. My younger sibling has braces and they weren't thrilled about it at first. Their orthodontist has made the experience quite pleasant. They get prizes after each visit. Plus, they get to pick the color of the bands that go on the braces. They seem to really like that. Every so often, the color changes, so they get to pair the color with different outfits.

You are allowed to smile in whatever way you like to smile. Some people feel better smiling with their teeth out and some don't. I'm sure whichever way it is, you have a great smile. I've never encountered anyone with an ugly smile. What a blessing to be able to show emotion that proves we're happy. That's such an amazing thing that not every creature on this earth gets. I've noticed when I see someone smiling, it feels hard not to smile, and I think that's amazing.

It's not disgusting at all. In fact, I feel like it's pretty normal. I think out of most of the people I've known, most people prioritize doctors over dentists. A lot of people only go to the dentist when they're in pain. I don't think I've ever actually met someone who has admitted they go to the dentist every six months. Man, I don't even go to the dentist every six months. Should I? Probably. Do I? No.

Your wisdom teeth are in the very back sockets of your jaw. If you push your tongue into all four back corners of your mouth, if there's a small gummy space in each section, that means your wisdom teeth aren't in yet. If there's pain in any of those four areas, it likely means they're uprooting and coming in. Wisdom teeth tend to come in at different times. All four of my wisdom teeth have come in at different ages and I still have one that's not in.

I'm going to say this because I wish I would have told my parents when I was having teeth issues, please tell your parents you're having mouth pain. When I was sixteen, I was having mouth pain and I didn't tell my parents. I was deeply terrified of the dentist. I hated the idea of going to one. I didn't want a stranger's fingers in my mouth. I didn't want anything to do with it. I was like that for weeks and then disaster struck.

I bit down into a sandwich I was eating and part of my adult tooth cracked in half and fell out. The absolute terror that consumed me that day, I'll never forget it. It turns out, I had a cavity and didn't realize it. Since I hadn't been to the dentist in so long, the cavity grew. Cavities are bacterial infections that break down a tooth and create a tiny hole within the tooth. The hole should have been cleaned by a dentist and properly sealed, but I was so scared of dentists, I didn't say anything about it.

Now I'm twenty-three and have a tooth that had to be drilled down and fixed. The cavity had hollowed out part of my tooth. When I bit down that day, it was just enough pressure to break the tooth. The cavity weakened the walls of my tooth and a small section shattered under pressure. At that moment, I realized there was no avoiding the dentist. I didn't want to lose my entire tooth.

Within a week, I was at the dentist, but the damage was already done. My lovely new dentist had to fix the tiny cavity left behind and seal it properly. The good news? I still have half a tooth left. It's happy and healthy in my mouth. She'll be there until the end of time, I hope.

However, my dentist informed me that if I wouldn't have come in, the cavity would have expanded and I would have lost the entire tooth. It was one of those hindsight is 20/20 situations. I wish I would have done things differently, but I didn't.

I will tell you this, you can totally take someone into the dental room with you to make you feel better. You absolutely can bring a parent, sibling, or a friend for emotional support. Honestly, I'm grown and if I can get away with it, I bring my younger sibling with me to some appointments. They tend to joke around a lot and it makes me feel so much better. It's impossible to freak out and spiral into an anxiety attack if they're their spouting off random non-sense.

Years ago, I had gallstones and was in the most pain I've ever been in. Despite being in pain, my younger sibling went into two different doctor appointments with me. They were joking around and they still got me to laugh. You don't always have to go into appointments alone, especially if you're nervous. Having someone there to reassure you and cheer you up makes it ten times easier, I swear.

I cannot force you into going to the dentist, but I definitely encourage it. With anxiety, it's a lot easier to imagine the worst things happening, but it's usually not like that at all. When I went to the dentist at sixteen, the staff were wonderful. Plus, when you go to the dentist, sometimes you get prizes. That's so fun!! Even if they're silly, the concept behind it is pretty cool. Even if you don't get a prize, I begged my dad to get me a fancy coffee from a coffee place because I was brave, so I ended getting a large coffee a few days later.

Plus, they clean your teeth when you're there. It is truly one of the best feelings ever. That's the best part of going to the dentist. Your teeth are so squeaky clean. It feels way better than giving them a regular brush. It's like a fancy car wash, but for your teeth. In my opinion, it was totally worth being brave for. The benefits outweighed my anxiety by a landslide. Even though I didn't go when I should have originally, I'm glad I mustered up the courage to go when I did.

Depression is difficult to deal with alone. When I was mentally at my worst, I was dealing with my depression alone and I was miserable. It's easy to feel worthless and unloved if you keep it all bottled up. If your friends are telling you your feelings are invalid and making you feel dramatic, those aren't real friends. True friends remind you how bright the world is when you're feeling down. You're not dramatic for feeling what you feel and the way you do.

Please reach out to your brother, especially if you're comfortable with him. As an older sister, I adore my younger sibling non-stop. There was a brief period of time when their mental health took a nose dive and instead of reaching out to me right away, their mental health worsened. I would have much rather known from the get-go, so I could have helped them right away.

Whether your brother is older or younger, it doesn't matter. It's helpful to have someone who knows, so you don't feel isolated. It's not a bother to want someone to lean on. It's okay to admit you need someone to talk to/help cheer you up.

Your English is perfect, so I know exactly what you're saying. It blows my mind that people learn English. It's such a tricky language to learn, but you're great at it.

As for the fic request, I've gone through my masterlists. I found some fics that I think provide the best comfort based on the situation. Some have Minho in them and some don't, but I think they'll still be able to provide some warmth. I hope they make you feel better and I'm sending you so much virtual love <3

Not strong enough ~ Mini drabbles ~ Skz finds you dealing with a depressive episode.

Experience ~ Longer fic ~ Chan finds you struggling with depression.

Somewhere only we know ~ Longer fic ~ Seungmin shows up with a plan to cheer you up when you're depressed.

I'm stuck with a phobia ~ Mini drabbles ~ Skz finds you when you're struggling with anxiety.

You did your best to appease everyone around you all the time. People were the best they could be, but depression crafted something rotten within your brain. The words of admiration and support were lies. You were so sure of it, they meant nothing. There was no proof to behold, when the brain believed something, it’d grasp onto that belief and do whatever it could to cement it into your reality. 

You never believed the text messages on your phone. When friends invited you to events, you believed it was from pity. When Seungmin held your hand a little tighter and pulled you close, you told yourself it was an obligation. Of course he was going to kiss you, that’s what boyfriends did. They pull you close and tell you all the words you want to hear. 

Kim Seungmin did everything right, but he couldn’t fix your brain. Nothing he could do would regulate the chemicals and reroute the wires in your beliefs. He could beg and he could pray, but unless you fought like hell to climb out of the swamp of sadness, you’d be here forever.  

Heavy is the head that wears the crown and depression is no different. Exhaustion is constantly flooding your bones, it never stops. No amount of sleep washes away the pain of thinking you’re not enough. Nothing ever works and when you start to believe you’re worthless, you find yourself sinking into the darkness with nothing to hold onto. 

For months, you non-stop completed a never-ending routine of proving you were okay. Forcing your limbs to stand and partaking in day-to-day activities. Every smile plastered on your stone cold face, the extra effort to exaggerate the details of your life to people. Why would they worry when you were so good at hiding things? 

In the midnight breeze, Seoul flashed neon lights down below. High above the buzzing streets of night activities, your toes hung over the ledge of the building. One tip forward and everything would go quiet. Your inner world would silence itself and that’d be the end of everything. 

Nothing hurt anymore. At some point, your emotions grew quiet. They meshed together into a muted numbness. Nothing hurt and that was the problem. The sharp thoughts of self-doubt and ridicule didn’t feel like anything anymore. You’d successfully talked yourself into believing you were worthless, so it didn’t matter what happened here. 

Down below, music floated from karaoke night in bars. Dancers lingered between patrons in flashy outfits and singles settled at the seats along bar counters, hoping they’d find a fish who’d bite. Bitter whiskey, burning vodka, foam topped beers, and something fruity to wash away the stress of the week. 

CEOs loosened their ties and relaxed. Someone bought shots for their coworkers. Two strangers briefly bumped into each other and when the conversation went well, they wondered if they were the ones for each other. Birthday celebrations and shrieks as someone opens up their gifts with a big smile and sparkling eyes. 

The fresh scent of barbeque and herbs. Spices floated out onto the streets, luring in potential customers. The world moved on, but you stood frozen above it. A multitude of people moved in the building below you. As they slipped into weekend relaxation or dreading tomorrow’s work day, you took in the world one last time. 

But if someone walks through that rooftop door before I drop, I’ll take it as a sign to try again. 

A car honked down below and you waited. Ticking traffic lights clocked through their usual colors. Adrenaline caused your heart rate to skyrocket. Maybe two teenagers would come up and look for a place to escape the world for a while. A couple with laughter and heated whispers set on finding an adventure. Even if maintenance would break through those doors and yell at you, you’d take it. It’d be proof you were wanted here. 

But nobody came. 

The wind swept your hair back. Too numb to understand the danger you were in, you didn’t step back. Hundreds of lights swept across the distant landscapes. Apartment complexes, businesses, and vehicles, proof of all the lives that’d go on and continue marching forward. Tomorrow will be another day and people’s lives won't be interrupted by your death, you’re sure of it. 

One drop and it's over. 

One drop to change your life. 

One drop to shatter the lives of everyone around you. 

One drop to stop the demons in your head. 

Gravity yanks a body down so quickly, it only takes three to four seconds to plunge and slam into the cold pavement. People forget the survival instinct kicks in. We’ve always been deathly afraid of falling. Regret takes a second, but there’s no soft landing before you. 

Three to four seconds for a skull to crack, a soul to evaporate, and for people’s lives shatter. Another few seconds and pedestrians start to scream. The world continues turning, but the lives of strangers who find you are never the same. Conflicting thoughts and quiet pondered sessions over the rest of their lives lay before them. While your loved ones try to sort through the pain and disbelief, strangers are always haunted by the what-ifs. 

The only warmth surrounding you becomes a puddle of your own blood. There’s no time to cradle your injuries. You’re there and then gone. There is no love in the end, only the primal fear of dying and the realization that you’re all alone. There’s no time to apologize and take it back. No proper goodbyes and apologies. 

Regret and a scream. 

Desperation is met with a silence and a sickening crack because what’s done is done and you can’t rewind time. 

~ ~ ~ 

You jerked up with a shrill scream. Limbs flailing in every direction, a cold shot of adrenaline flushed through your body. The unforgiving pavement verses the soft silk coming from baby blue sheets. The tangled comforter still curled over the top of you and provided too much weight to your body. Breathless and confused, you jerked your head around to understand what was happening. 

Midnight disappeared and softened into a honey dew morning. Early morning sunlight peeked through the blinds and highlighted your body. Heart slamming against your chest, your fingers shook as you curled them into the warm fabric. 

The opposite side of the bed sat empty. Seungmin’s familiar silhouette was gone. Before you could question anything, he peeked into the room from the attached bathroom doorway. “Man, it’s way too early to be screaming like that.” 

The casualty in his voice turned to softness when he saw your terrified eyes. He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?” 

It took a few seconds for your voice to work. A lump expanded in your throat, making it difficult to get out the words. When nothing sounded, but sputtering and half-fragmented sentences, you settled on a simple nod. It had to be a nightmare, but it didn’t feel like a nightmare. 

You felt everything. The wind whipping through your hair and your heart in your stomach as you dropped from the building. The world blurred with neon lights and darkness. The scent of gasoline and burning oil from a car that should have been in the repair shop weeks ago. The cold concrete, the cracking of your own skull, and then an unfamiliar emptiness. 

White foam sat speckled across Seungmin’s lips. You could see him fully now. Tangerine toothbrush in his hand, the soft bristles sat layered with a milky foam. He studied your face, waiting for more answers, but you didn’t give him anything to work with. He wiped a thumb across his lower lip and finally spoke up. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

I jumped off a building because I felt worthless. Because I’m certain nobody loves me. Because I feel as if the weight of my life is more of a burden than a blessing. Because I think I’m poisoning everyone and myself. Because I haven’t felt my emotions properly in weeks. Because I don’t want to be here anymore. 

Because… 

Because… 

Because… 

The thoughts cycled, but you stayed quiet. Instead, you settled on a simple sentence. “I was falling in my dream, but I’m okay now.”

He hesitated believing you, but he finally nodded. “Okay, if you say so.” He spun to go back in the bathroom and paused. Instead of moving forward, he faced you again. “Hey, you know that ring you gave me yesterday? The one you said you wanted me to have because you didn’t like it and you were sure it’d find a better home with me?” 

A blank look appeared on your face. The canons in your head misfired until everything came back. You’d had that ring since childhood. A family ring passed down to you, but you didn’t want it to die in your hands. You were certain if you gave it to Seungmin, if he planned to keep it, if he truly loved you like he said he did, he’d still have a little piece of you with him after you were gone. 

Over the past few days, you've been slowly giving things to people. Not enough to cast concern, but just here and there. A t-shirt to an old friend that they’d once upon a time complimented. Old photographs to your parents for the family photo albums. You’d told them you had copies, but it was a lie. 

You even created a meal from scratch three days ago for Seungmin and his group members. They complimented the food, eating until they were stuffed and content, but you didn’t believe them. A small piece of you wanted to believe they were being honest, but you didn’t know for sure. 

Lately, you’d been so tired and it made it difficult to read between the lines of reality and your own shortcomings. The circuits of understanding glitched and someone snapped the wires of normalcy. Grief pocketed your head and threw black shades over your eyes. No matter how hard you tried, it never felt like it was enough. 

“I want you to take it back,” Seungmin continued. “I tried to wear it yesterday, but I was so worried I’d lose it. Besides, I’ve seen you wear it before and it looks better on you. It’s over in that box on the nightstand.” 

Sure enough, the silver ring had been tucked between the foam pillars laced in velvet. The shut box kept the ring safe from all the elements. Even if it were to fall, the foam would absorb the fall and ease the weight of the drop. 

Thinking about it falling, goosebumps raked down your arms. Seungmin disappeared back into the bathroom. He didn’t know what happened to you. He wasn’t in your dream and he didn’t know what went on in your dream. It had to have been a nightmare, but it felt so real. 

If it had happened, you wouldn’t be here this morning. Your side of the bed would stay empty. Seungmin would wake up and stare at your side of the bed. His memories would flicker with your face and the relaxation along your facial muscles as you slept. He’d long to push your hair from your face and to trace his thumb along your lips to wipe away the smallest speck of forming drool. 

He’d assume you’d be in the kitchen, but confusion would take over when he searched the apartment and couldn’t find you. Seungmin with his furrowed dark brows and a hint of a frown on his face. Fingers of frustration tugging back through his hair, eyes searching the area and trying to figure out where you might be so early in the morning. You usually didn’t leave without a text or a note, but his phone would remain empty. 

When he came back from the bathroom, he tugged down his t-shirt to smooth out a few appearing wrinkles. “I’ve gotta head into work, but are you still prepared for dinner tonight? Waiting the whole day to eat with you is going to be a pain.” 

“Huh?” 

“Don’t tell me you forgot already. How could you forget? Hello?” He waved a playful hand in front of your dazed eyes. “Earth to you, anyone home? We planned a date night for today, remember?” 

“Um…” 

He chuckled at your confusion. “That nightmare really must have messed with your head. You’re here and you’re still mine.” Warm fingers curled around your wrists and squeezed. He tugged his hands back, lacing his fingers between yours. “You look dumb when you’re this confused, but I love you regardless.” 

When the warmth of his kiss found your forehead, you suddenly felt like you might cry. Tears sprouted in your eyes before you could stop them. His playful mood dropped and his face fell. “Babe? What’s wrong?” 

You blinked rapidly and shook your head. The lump in your throat clogged your vocal cords. You tried to pull your hands away from him, but he tightened his grip. A sniffle and a glance away. The worry in Seungmin grew, but his voice softened. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Use your words.” 

“I don’t know,” you croaked in a high-pitched voice. “I feel like I don’t deserve this sometimes.” 

“Did you fall on your head in that dream or something? Are you crazy? Of course, you deserve this. This and so much more.” He tugged you closer and pulled you into his arms. 

“You’re going to be late for work.” 

“Oh, shut up. Who cares? Work can wait. Let me hold you and suffocate you with my love or whatever Hyunjin says when he squeezes the life out of Jeongin.” 

Without another word, you leaned forward and pressed your face into him. The warm scent of cedar and ginger engulfed you tightly. Your fingers curled around his back and palmed the warmth of his skin. The way your bodies pressed against each other, it was familiar, but it was different this time. This time, the flicker of hope briefly sparked in your head. 

If he was willing to hold you like this and be late for work, maybe there was a possibility that his words weren’t as worthless as your brain believed they were. 

~ ~ ~ 

The engines sound the same. Standing across the cross walk in front of your favorite coffee stop, deja vu hit hard. Engines rumbled in the nightmare. The stop and go of reflective metal and the faint honking of horns. The cross walk signaled for you to pass the intersection, but you stood frozen in time. 

People walked in and out of the coffee shop. Friday meant pay day for a multitude of people. Everyone rushed to get their usual morning energy. Routines had been placed long ago and very few things halted them. You were supposed to be at work by now, but you called in and called off, claiming you were sick.

Baristas worked hard behind the counter. Teamwork, constant shuffling, and so much movement. Bodies behind bodies, the hiss of the milk steamer, dripping espresso shots, and the ding of a toaster oven. Thick spreads of cream cheese on flavored bagels and the jerk of the cash register opening to spew out cash. 

Everything moved how it was supposed to, but not you. Your feet stuck along the pavement and you couldn’t move. If it really happened, you wouldn’t be here today. You wouldn’t be in this spot and everything would be over. 

And if I would have done it, if I would have let myself fall, where would I be now? 

“I like your shoes.” 

Your thoughts broke and you glanced over. A stranger smiled when your eyes met. She kicked out her own foot, showing you her scuffed up and faded sneakers. “I picked mine out a few years ago. The memory foam in this one is worn way down. Where’d you get yours?” 

You blinked. “Um, there’s a shoe store in the mall. I don’t remember the name of–” 

“The nearest one? Wait, I think I’ve been there before. Faceless mannequins in the window with sporty stuff, right? They have a bunch of athletic shoes on display. All the big names like Nike and Adidas.” 

“Yeah, that’s it.” You glanced down at your shoes. Your footing shifted and you suddenly felt too exposed. “My boyfriend picked out the color. I was stuck between two colors and he said this one looked better with my complexion.” 

The woman hummed softly and nodded. She adjusted the cross body bag hanging over her shoulder. Sleek leather and a golden emblem that you didn’t know the brand of. She unzipped it and dug through it to find her wallet. “He must have a good sense of style. They look great on you.” 

“Thank you.” The words poured out without stopping. “I like to think I’m incredibly lucky to have him.” 

She rummaged for a few more moments until she found it.“I bet.” Her head went back to the opposite cross walk. “Would you look at that? I can finally cross this way now. Have a good day!” She sent you another pearly white smile before hurrying into the intersection and passing the row of awaiting vehicles. 

You sucked in a slow deep breath and reconsidered the interaction. Eyes shutting, your head tilted towards your chest. You never spoke much about your pain. Pulling attention to it had always felt wrong, as if you were burdening people with it. Everyone always says speak out and reach out for help when you need it, but they don’t tell you how vulnerable and humiliating it feels to have thoughts that don’t feel regulated. 

The brain is an organ and depression is a brain disorder. The chemicals are physically disrupted and the brain is inflamed. Too many people don’t look at it like that. They believe if you manage your emotions better, the problem fixes itself. If you eat more or less, if you spend an hour exercising, if you drink more water, and the list goes on. 

Sure, those things will help increase your mood and they might physically be better for you and your body, but eight glasses of water isn’t enough to rearrange the chemicals in your brain. Three meals a day isn’t enough to fix the thoughts that paralyze a person when they go to bed at night. Sixty minutes of exercise isn’t enough to erase the self-doubt forever. 

They can help, but they will never be the full cure.

~ ~ ~ 

The iced matcha tasted somewhere between freshly mowed wet grass and dirt. Ice clanked around the sides of the plastic cup as you walked. During your visit to the cafe, you glanced at the menu and ordered it in the spur of the moment. Deep down, you assumed you needed some brightness to follow the dreary day. 

After Seungmin left, you didn’t want to stay behind. Quite frankly, you didn’t feel comfortable staying in the apartment alone right now. The dream freaked you out too much. You felt everything and even now that a few hours had passed, you couldn’t shake the weight of it from your shoulders. 

You sipped mouthfuls of matcha and forced yourself to swallow. You’d spent too much money on the drink to let it go to waste. It gave you something to do while you walked. Each cold sip reminded you that you were real. You were real and walking downtown Seoul. 

Above the collage of buildings towering above your head, the sun fought with clouds. They kept fighting back and forth. Just as the sun peaked out, clouds rolled over and came back to hide it. Seoul still felt damp. You didn’t remember it raining in your nightmare, but when you stepped outside, you could smell the remains of ozone embedded in the air. 

Each step you took, wet pavement met your foot. Small puddles formed in the dips and potholes. Varnished awnings dripped with water and rain drops had yet to dry from windows and buildings. Wet brick and the splashing of your shoes. Water built up along the sides of the road. Not much, but enough to warrant a quick spray of water when cars moved too far to the sides of the road. Parked vehicles included tires laying in puddles. 

You walked around with uncertainty. You were here and in your body, but you didn’t mentally feel like you were there. The world felt distant, a sheet of glass separated you from experiencing it within your body. The further you walked, you thought it’d help, but it didn’t.

Further and further, down the busy intersections, past  those who were out and about, ignoring the objects in the windows trying to catch everyone’s eyes. New sales and brightly colored clothes. An old antique shop with vintage signs. Restaurants with open doors with their flavors that churned your stomach. Hunger didn’t strike, but the stomach reacted anyway. You’d grown so used to the hunger pains, they didn’t bother you much anymore. 

The food became a sticky wet paste. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow. So much movement. Eat the food, wash the dishes, floss, and brush your teeth because of it. Pry your mouth open for the dentist every six months and pray sugar didn’t rot your teeth away. 

Living took so much effort and your effort dissolved weeks ago. For weeks, you spent so much effort pretending you weren't unraveling inside. Your brain spiraled out of control, the thoughts choked you, and Seungmin wasn’t enough to stop it. You thought that’s what it’d take. 

Truly, you loved Seungmin. Not only were you attracted to him, but he used to give you butterflies at one point. You blushed at his teasing and nearly fainted each time your lips met. Handfuls of his t-shirt threaded between your fingers, intertwining your legs at night, curling up close to one another, even when he grumbled about it playfully. 

When things started to get bad again, you were certain it wouldn’t be like last time. You had Seungmin and he cared for you. You used to be so certain until your brain told you otherwise. When the anxiety heightened, so did the realizations of the minor things. It all mixed together and snipped the tether the two of you once had. 

When he gently pushed you away after having a long day, he needed a few minutes to wind down and relax, but you thought it was his way of pushing you away physically and mentally. 

When he ignored you after you asked a question, you didn’t realize he got caught up in his own thoughts and you swore he did it on purpose. 

When he’d ask your opinion on minor things and he went against your suggestion, you took it personally, not realizing Seungmin merely had a mind of his own and sometimes did it to tease you. 

Boyfriends were supposed to fix the inner pain and keep you from spiraling, you were sure of it. A kiss when you were in physical pain or mental distress. Soft touches and tugging one another close. Fingers threaded through your hair, someone to take care of you when you were unwell, someone to hear you out and give you advice. The delight of having someone beside you when you watched TV, so you could share your opinions and conspiracies for future plot lines with. 

It was never enough.

As you walked from one neighborhood and deeper into another, you mentally unraveled. Thoughts churning with tears burning behind your eyes, the lump in your throat cemented itself and refused to go away. No matter how much you threw yourself into the depths of a relationship with another, you could crucify yourself for them, but it’d never be enough to fix what was wrong with your head. 

Using the sleeve of your jacket, you wiped away the tears. At some point, you cut a corner and realized you had no idea where you were. Cursing beneath your breath, you kept walking towards the row of businesses. Buildings towered overhead in various heights. You yanked out your phone to map yourself back home from your location and paused when you heard the sound of a humming engine and the hiss of water. 

Fingers curling tighter around your phone screen, you looked up to find a worker standing across the street with a pressure washer. Beneath a high-rising apartment building, four orange cones sectioned off an area of the sidewalk. An engine whirled and spit out a heavy stream of water. With each pass over the sidewalk, murky liquid oozed off the pavement and onto the street. An open drain gurgled as water built up and sank between the thin slits. 

I don’t want to be a body on the pavement that has to be power washed away because pieces of my brain and skull fragments are splattered in every direction. I don’t want to listen to every bone in my body crack while the back of my head caves in. I don’t want strangers gawking at my crumpled corpse. 

I don’t want to imagine the people I love dressed in their funeral best while they stand over my coffin. I don’t want to go somewhere else and end up alone. I don’t want to see the sun for the last time today. 

The tears came wet and hot. If the worker across the way noticed, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he kept hosing down the sidewalk. The dark concrete revitalized itself three shades lighter. Up above, a tenant lazily leaned out their window. Arms along the window frame, a single string of smoke funneled out and into the abyss. Ashes rained down and were quickly washed away and into the sewer. 

You spun around, nearly slamming into a stranger. Their eyes widened when they took on your teary appearance. The matcha in your hand trembled. Nearly half-consumed, the ice had melted and watered down the flavor. 

“Woah, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, rough morning. Sorry, excuse me.” You stepped around them and hurried away. 

They glanced over their shoulder and watched you with furrowed brows, but they didn’t chase after you.

Fingers gripping your cup, deja vu hit you again. No wonder this area looked so familiar. It was different without the darkness, but the building structures were the same. When you glanced back, black spots speckled your vision. Beneath that apartment building, you were certain you landed there in the dream. 

Nausea clawed apart your stomach. A hand went to your mouth and you forced yourself to continue walking. The world caved in and everything you’d been holding back erupted. The ache of sadness, the twisted insecurities, and the constant self-betrayal set your soul ablaze. 

The wildfire in your head had grown so massive, you couldn’t contain it anymore. You’d never be able to outrun it alone. Everything once good, if you kept going the way you were going, you’d never experience it again. 

You wanted to experience the sound of your laughter as Seungmin picked you up and threw you over his shoulder when the two of you bickered. You wanted the warmth to appear in your stomach when you kissed. You wanted a ring on your finger and a secured forever with him. 

The familiarity of family dinner and conversations from your relatives during family events. The family pet grew older alongside you and if you stopped showing up for holiday dinners, you didn’t know who would sneak them food. Who else was going to insist on creating new traditions and taking too many photos to document the moments? 

And the game nights with Seungmin and group members? When all nine of you would settle down at someone’s place and there’d occasionally be others. They’d bring friends from other companies. Once upon a time, Chan brought along his sister. In the middle of bickering, Felix once facetimed his sisters and demanded they properly explain the rules for a game they’d played as children because he couldn’t remember the details, but he wanted everyone to play it. 

You could barely breathe as you forced your cell phone from your back pocket. The contact names blurred, but you knew Seungmin’s name was at the top. You’d purposefully labeled it, so it would be. With a sniffle, you clicked the button to call him. The phone rang once and then twice. You shifted your body, shifting your weight from one leg to the other. “Please pick up. Please.” 

On the fourth ring, his voice appeared. “Babe? Are you okay? You never call me at work.” 

You squeezed your eyes shut. You sucked in a sharp breath and forced out the hoarse words. “Can you come home?”

“Come home?” He repeated in confusion. Last he knew, you were on your way to work. He left first and an hour later, you’d report to your own job. “Huh?” 

“Please, Seungmin.” 

It nearly killed you to admit it, but you forced the words out anyway. 

“It’s an emergency.” 

~ ~ ~ 

By the time your Uber pulled up to your apartment, Seungmin was already there. Standing out front, he paced back and forth until he heard the car door. His head jerked up and there you were. Eyes full of tears, cheeks puffy, and a half-consumed matcha. He rushed forward in a panic. 

Still in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he was still sweaty from dance practice. He always kept his phone in his pocket for dance practice. It was always on vibrate. Everyone knew not to call him at certain times unless it was an emergency. When he felt the vibrations mid-practice, he picked it up as soon as he could. 

You practically collapsed into his arms with relief. The matcha dropped to the ground and the plastic lid popped off. Cloudy green soaked the sidewalk and the grass, but you didn’t care. As you laid your head against him, you busted into a fit of heavy sobs. Everything came out as your body deflated. 

Seungmin’s body wasn’t cold and unforgiving. He didn’t feel anything like the sidewalk felt in your dream. He was here and he was present. Cedar and warm ginger welcomed you. His arms flew up in confusion. Eyes crinkling with concern, he slowly wrapped his arms around your trembling figure. 

“Babe, you’re scaring me. What happened? What’s wrong?” 

“I-I need help.” 

“What?” 

“I-I wanna die. I had a dream that I jumped off a building. I had a plan. I-I was going to and the nightmare a-and I–” Your words fractured into another sob. 

Memories of this morning came back to him. The conversation he held with you while brushing his teeth. Your shriek scared him, but after a few moments, you seemed to settle down. Yes, it’d been a nightmare, but he didn’t think it was that bad. Everyone had nightmares and you weren’t immune to them, neither was he. He’d had his own fair share of them before. 

Sure, you started crying before he left this morning, but he’d assumed it was a case of a nightmare overwhelming you. You were still half asleep earlier. By the time he pulled away and started to leave, he made sure to set the alarm on your phone for a little later, so you’d be up and around in time for work. He thought it was confusion and panic from the nightmare mixed with your obvious sleepiness. 

“What?” His voice rose with panic. “Slow down. Look at me.” He reached up and gently cupped your chin. “I need you to take a deep breath and explain it to me slowly. Babe, you’re babbling.” 

“I-I was going to kill myself,” you whispered. 

His face fell as you repeated a new variation of your original words. He didn’t respond right away. His own lump formed in his throat. He loved you so much, he hadn’t imagined a life without you. He’d been so greedy when it came to you. The idea of not waking up next to you, it was unbearable. 

“I-I’m sorry to call you from work. I called off this morning. The nightmare made me rethink things.” Your voice grew shrill. “I don’t wanna be numb anymore. Seungmin, I want to live.” 

Your words were such a bombshell, he nearly collapsed while holding you. Not once did he ever realize you were keeping such huge feelings at bay. Barely anything had changed between the two of you. Sure, you were a little quieter lately and you seemed a bit more moody, but when he questioned you, you announced you’d been mentally working through some things. He didn’t mind it because he’d had those times himself. It seemed like whatever it was, you hadn’t needed help sorting through it.

He watched you eat and always pressed a bottle of water into your hands in the evening. Even if you weren’t drinking enough water, you were drinking a half-bottle or the full bottle. That was better than nothing. The two of you shared laughter and meals together. You still watched TV and bickered about who liked the best character. 

As he combed through all the memories from the past few weeks, he could barely notice differences. They were so minor, so normal, and he’d never thought they were because of anything like this. You were drowning, but you were good at hiding your true feelings. If you were hiding, you couldn’t be a burden. 

But if you were hiding, you couldn’t get better. You carried the weight of everything alone. All the negative thoughts and self-insecurities. You hid your exhaustion and forced yourself to get up and numbly move through day-after-day. You forced the smiles and complimented the food he made, pretending you could still taste everything. 

Your brain screamed at you from some terrified part of your head. 

What are you doing? You’re being a burden! He’s going to think you’re too much to handle and he’ll leave. He’ll leave and never see you again. He’ll ghost you and disappear forever. You’ll lose what little goodness you have. 

But if Seungmin really loves me, he’ll help me carry the weight of everything. That’s what loving someone means, it means comforting them when they’re sad, it means reminding them there’s still good in themselves and in the world. It’s not about fixing everything, it’s about giving someone the stability and strength to catch their breath while they regain their footing. 

The angel and devil sat on your shoulders bickering, but you pushed both thoughts away. Arms curled around Seungmin, you braced yourself for his response. You didn’t get one right away. When it came, it nearly took your breath away. 

His arms curled around you so tight, you could barely breathe. He buried his head in the side of your head, inhaling the scent of your shampoo. His voice came out in a fragile whisper. “Please don’t leave. I need you here. We need you here. Everyone needs you here.” 

And that’s all it took before you burst into another fit of sobs. Those were the words you’d been silently begging to hear, but they’d never come until today. Someone sprayed a fire extinguisher along the wildfire in your brain. The flames didn’t go out completely, but they’d lowered and this time, they didn’t burn so badly. 

Seungmin steadied you, keeping you curled tight against him as you cried. He didn’t care about the vehicles passing by and he didn’t care about the nosy dog staring at the two of you from across the street. 

He cared about you and making sure you were safe. He’d never been good at expressing himself with words, but he’d find them all for you. He’d write you a thousand songs about your worth and spend hours singing. He’d keep you curled in his arms for eternity, if that’s what it meant to keep you safe. He’d do anything to keep you here. 

By the time your sobs quieted and you were full of shaky breaths, you kept your head against his chest. Your ear pressed against his heart, hearing the steady thump. Your own heart pumped steadily in your own chest. You stood up against him whole and that’s all you’d ever wanted to be.

“Come on,” Seungmin finally uttered softly. He shifted and curled an arm around your back. “Let’s go inside, so we can talk about everything.” He brushed a hand over his eyes to wipe away his own tears. “I want to know what I can do to help you.” 

And for the first time in a long time, your body relaxed with physical and emotional relief. 

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Before you worry too much, please know that I’m taking as many precautions as I can to keep this situation from escalating. My loved ones have my location all the time. Everything in my complex is documented via multiple 24/7 filming cameras management has up. Plus, I’m keeping a log of everything that has happened, along with the date and time. 

The proper authorities have been notified. They’re aware of the situation, but legally speaking, there’s not much they can do until an actual crime is committed. The same goes for my landlord. That sucks, but it is what it is. 

Writing has always been my safe haven, but right now, my energy is being poured into staying safe and doing what I can to remain safe. Due to this, fics will be posted when I get to them. It might be on random days at random times. I’ve been trying to write a bit here and there, but it’s not nearly as much as I’d like it to be. It turns out, when you’re dealing with such a situation, you’re not really in the mood to do anything besides sleep and attempt to find some sort of peace. When I finish a fic and I'm satisfied with it, I'll post it. I'll post more polls for the doctor AU when I'm certain my brain doesn't feel so frazzled.

Please know that I’m not ignoring you, I’m prioritizing my life. I promise I’m safe and I’m focused on turning my distress into action to keep that sense of safety. I’m doing everything I can to keep this situation from becoming worse and trying to do the best I can given these frustrating circumstances. Thank you for the kindness some of you have already shown in my inbox, it truly means the world to me. Instead of responding one-by-one, I’d figure I’d drop a single statement, so I’m not confusing everyone. 

I’ve handled a situation exactly like this before, so I have no doubt this one will be handled properly again. Please stay safe in your own lives and thank you for bearing with me while I navigate this strange moment in my life.

It's definitely easier to idolize people when they're on a digital screen/concert stage. There's something charming about it. I cannot speak on behalf of Namjoon, I don't know a ton about him. Chatting with me, I think it's easy for me to become annoying because I'm the type of person who sends long paragraphs or 5-6 text messages in a row when I get comfortable enough.

I act a bit more serious on this page than I do in real life. If you read between the lines of some of my stuff, you'll notice when I write angst or comfort/hurt, I tend to make it more upbeat with humor and that's who I am as a person. I struggle to take things seriously all the time.

Not everyone is equipped for that sort of chaotic energy. It's a miracle that I have a best friend who is content with the way I am. It's the biggest blessing in the world. Before I'm a fanfic writer, I'm a woman who finds the world to be fascinating and magical if you look hard enough. So much to do, so much to see, so many people to interact with.

I cubed up some steak and created a homemade beef gravy with caramelized onions and mushrooms to go with it. I paired it with scalloped potatoes on the side, along with cooked peas and carrots. Honestly, I think I should have made mashed potatoes with it and drizzled the beef and gravy over them. Maybe I'll do that next time.

I look at cooking as an adventure. Some days, I never know what I'm going to make. I go into the kitchen, find items, and throw them together to create a dish. You can never go wrong with a carb, some sort of protein, and a vegetable. That's about all I've been consuming recently. Rice is a holy grail in my household. Meat, rice, and veggies. The options are limitless.

My favorite protein is eggs. Eggs, a bit of milk to make them fluffy and added salt, and pepper. You can eat them alone. You can put them on toast as an egg salad sandwich. You can put it on a bagel, an english muffin or in a tortilla for a breakfast burrito. Add cheese, hot sauce, ketchup, or whatever you want really. Pair them with bacon, ham, or sausage. Eat eggs alone. Make french toast. Sprinkle scrambled eggs over pancakes or waffles.

There are a lot of options of things to eat out in the world. Personally, nearly everything I make is purely created by me taking meat or protein and saying how can I add jazz to this and make it flavorful? Fish, eggs, chicken, ground turkey, some sort of pork cut, tofu, and occasionally ground beef (ground beef is so expensive in america now, it's insane) that's usually my constant go-to. Seasonings and sauces are there to elevate the flavors and enhance the taste.

Every day, I'm so thankful for the spice trade and the internet. Genuinely. The horrors of having an overcooked, dry full-sized turkey on Thanksgiving and only having it seasoned with salt and pepper are imprinted in my brain. Life is much more than merely salt and pepper. So many spices, seasonings, braises, gravies, soups, etc. In terms of flavor profiling, this is one of the best times to be alive.

I don't know what post this is in response to because I haven't been online for a few days. I haven't been responding to inbox messages asap like I used to. I've only been trying to respond to things on the days I post fics, so I don't bore everyone.

I hope you enjoy whatever it is you do. The potential concept of JYP staff members being here and reading my fanfic is going to give me a heart attack. I just got up, but I need to go lay down. Please know that none of these stories have ever been made with malicious intent. They're solely for fans to read and giggle/cry over. JYP staff members and Skz, please don't sue me 😮‍💨

This is how your message is finding me. Trolling or dead serious, I'm so scared:

The name and room number popping up on the iPad sent relief through your veins. It wasn’t Yuna’s room. That could be a later event, but now wasn’t the time. Instead, you hurried towards a room and gently knocked on a half-shut door. There wasn’t a response, so you slowly inched the door open. 

Inside the hospital room, a woman laid beneath a white sheet. Laying back at a forty-five degree angle, she stared at the nearby bassinet her baby laid in. Swaddled in a white blanket with light pink strips, the patient’s daughter slept soundlessly. Clear sides of the plastic bassinet left the baby visible to hospital staff and parents. 

“Hello, Mrs. Kim,” You started.

“Please call me Jane. I’m not much of a Mrs. Kim anymore. My husband died a few months ago in a car accident, so...” She trailed off. 

Your heart ached at the words spilling from the patient’s mouth. You stepped forward. “I’m sorry to hear that. Dr. Lee performed your C-section, but I’ll be one of the doctors checking in on you. How’s your incision feeling?” 

She shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Can’t feel much of it.” 

“Do you mind if I check it out?” 

She reached down and peeled away the sheet. As she moved, you walked into the attached bathroom to wash your hands. You kept your movements quieted, trying not to frighten the baby across the way. Eyes half-shut, the baby had stirred from your unfamiliar voice. 

A long red line pierced through the woman’s golden skin. With gloved hands, you carefully peeled back some of the taped gauze to examine the area. Despite the red line, there wasn’t any expanding redness. Nothing leaked or oozed. “I’m going to gently prod around the area to make sure everything feels correct. If anything hurts too much, let me know.” 

Jane’s eyebrows furrowed at the prodding, but she didn’t complain of any pain. “What’s the point of pushing around my lumpy stomach?” 

“Well, since you were pregnant, the baby sits in the uterus. Imagine an upside down pear, that’s what your uterus normally looks like. When a baby grows within it, it expands to about the size of a large watermelon. When the baby was removed, the blood vessels in your uterus started to contract and it shrank a little.” 

The woman’s eyes widened at the comparisons. You tried to keep a straight face, but it was hard to hide your smile. “I know,” you continued. “It sounds a bit wild, doesn’t it? When I’m pressing along your stomach, I’m making sure your uterus is firm and contracting properly. If it wasn’t firm, we’d have an issue on our hands.” 

“Is it okay?” 

“Yeah.” You shot her a reassuring smile. “It looks good and your uterus is contracting the way it’s supposed to.” 

“That area is kinda tender when you press on it.” 

“I’m sorry.” You pulled your hands away. “That’s normal as well. There’s a few different layers that Dr. Lee cut through for the C-section. Over the next few weeks, that tenderness will go away as your body heals. Only tenderness? Nothing else?” 

“No.” 

You worked carefully to work away the rest of the medical tape and gauze. “I’m sorry Dr. Lee left abruptly earlier. This ward is always busy. I’m going to replace this old gauze with fresh gauze.” 

“I don’t mind. When I came in, he was the only doctor I wanted. He’s my sister’s ob-gyn and she recommended him when I found out I was pregnant. She was here for the birth, but she had to go back home. I’m glad I wasn’t alone, she made it less scary.” 

“She sounds like a good sister.” 

“She is.” 

The two of you continued talking as you replaced the bandages. When you finished, you peeled off the gloves and tossed them into a nearby trash can. Once they disappeared, you walked over to the sink and began to scrub. 

“Any time you transfer patient care, wash your hands. Unsure if you need to wash your hands at some point? Wash your hands and switch gloves. Rather be too careful than transfer bacteria and infect a patient with germs from negligence.” 

The words played on a loop in the back of your head. Something you were constantly aware of. At some jobs, it was easy to mentally tune out and complete tasks. In the medical world, it was something staff members had to be constantly aware of. One wrong accidental mishap with a pair of gloves and infection could set in. One disease transferred to another patient and things became wonky. 

“How’s the baby?” Your voice filled the air again. “Any concerns?” 

The woman tugged her hospital gown over the new gauze. Since she’d given birth, she thought she’d feel relief, but it wasn’t there. Her sister did her best to ease her through her throne of worries, but it wasn’t enough. Newfound parenthood was hard, but without the moral support and the loss of her husband added to her grief. 

“She’s been quiet. Dr. Lee said some babies are born like that. Maybe it’s my fault because I haven’t held her as much as I probably should.” 

You glanced over your shoulder. “It’s okay to be nervous. Is she your first child? Lots of mothers are nervous. Even those who are on their second or third kid are nervous.” 

“She um…” 

The bag of grief burst again. The woman’s words fell flat. She blinked rapidly, trying to hold herself together. Not noticing, the sharp snap of latex gloves filled the air. You wiggled your hands into them and headed to the baby. Tucked inside a light pink hat, strands of black hair poked out in every direction. 

Big brown eyes watched you as you slowly unraveled the blanket she was swaddled in. “Hi,” you cooed softly. “Look at those eyes, you’re so cute. I checked on your mom. She’s doing well and now it’s your turn.” 

It took everything in you not to boop the baby’s curved nose. Rounded cheeks held pockets of baby fat. Tiny fists dropped in each direction as her arms dropped to each side. Wrapped in nothing, but the hat and a newborn diaper, tiny legs kicked once freed. 

You continued speaking softly as you placed the stethoscope into your ears and gently pressed the bottom against the baby’s chest. You braced yourself for the sharp wail of a cry, but it never came. Instead, the baby watched you in silence. A hand briefly shot up, brushing against the plastic cord before returning to the bed. 

“She has his face,” her mother continued from the bed. “Every time I hold her, I see him. That’s his nose and those are his eyes.” 

The steady thump of the baby’s heart remained strong. Lungs pulsed air in and out without an issue. No shortness of breath or slow heartbeat to worry about. A thin jelly-like tube dangled from her belly button. Despite the umbilical cord being cut, a piece of it remained there and it’d stay there until it shriveled up and fell off, slipping away like a healed scab. 

You tugged the stethoscope down. “What was he like? Your husband? Tell me about him.” 

Jane didn’t respond right away. She wanted to tell you everything. There were times when she was sick and he’d come home from work at the drop of a dime. When she revealed the pregnancy, he fell into her lap crying and squeezed her hands. For years, no matter how much the pair tried, pregnancy never came. Just as they were about to swallow the realization that one of them had to be infertile, the pharmacy pregnancy test read two lines instead of one. 

Jane held her breath and bought three more boxes, terrified it was a fluke, but it wasn’t. Six pregnancy tests, five positives and only one negative. She lined them all up along the bathroom sink on a towel. Her husband stepped inside after work and before he could use the toilet, he came out screaming at the top of his lungs. 

“Are you serious? Are you serious? You’re pregnant?!” 

It was the happiest day of their lives. Through the nausea, through the cramping, through the swollen feet, he was there for all of it until he wasn’t. The exhaustion during the pregnancy didn’t matter. The distance from caffeine, the lack of sushi was bearable, everything was going well until the cops showed up at her house mid-morning on a dreary Wednesday. 

There are a lot of burdens in pregnancy. The weight gain, the stretched skin, and the newfound insecurities that come along with it. Eating for one becomes eating for two. Just when she thought her stomach couldn’t possibly expand more, it did. The second trimester, newfound stretch marks, constant heartburn, and then the death of her husband. 

Pregnancy is hard, but it’s even harder when planning a funeral. 

Tears pooled down Jane’s cheeks. “He was the love of my life. No matter how hectic life became, no matter how bad the symptoms of pregnancy were, he was always there. Always. It’s been so difficult not being able to talk to him throughout all of this. A nurse held my hand while I gave birth, but it was supposed to be him. He was supposed to be there for this.” 

You swallowed the lump forming in your own throat. The emotions had been brewing within her for a while and you drug a scalpel across the amniotic sac of sadness. It gushed out, oozing and dripping everywhere. 

“My sister has been a big help and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for my friends, our parents, and everything they’ve done for me. I’m surrounded by great people, but I’ve never been so lonely before. The only person I want to lean on right now is gone and I can’t bring him back. I blame myself, I blame the drunk driver that hit him, and then I blame everyone else.” 

It was one of the most painful things to admit. Dealing with so much pain, absorbing the burden, and then the follow-up of hurt and anger. It builds up and words are thrown out with a vile wickedness; stones thrown from a tower of hurt and isolation. 

“I try to keep my chin up, but he was my husband. I’ll never find another man like that. I don’t want anyone to take his place. I want him and no matter how much I beg to go back in time, I can’t.” 

You listened without interruption. She sucked in a shaky breath and wiped away her tears. Head shaking, she squeezed her eyes shut. “I shouldn’t be putting this on you.” 

“Technically, I’m your doctor and this is what I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to listen to you about the good and bad stuff.” 

“Without him, everything is so much harder.” 

You hummed softly, reaching down to examine the baby a bit more. When you finished, you carefully wrapped the baby up and tucked the blanket back over the sides of the baby to swaddle her. Without asking, you moved the bassinet all the way to the side of the hospital bed. 

Jane didn’t speak. She watched you the way her baby watched you, silent and eyes full of curiosity. The pale blue hospital gown hung off one of her shoulders and revealed a thinning collar bone. She hadn’t washed her hair in a while. The past twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind of labor pains, exhaustion, and pain meds. 

“You should talk to her about him. Your husband is her father, even if he’s gone. He might be gone, but she deserves to know about her father. One day, when she’s grown, she’ll want to know exactly who she came from.” 

Jane’s lower bottom lip trembled. She sniffled and leaned over the side of the bassinet. “Can I hold her for a while?” 

“Of course, she’s your baby.” 

She reached forward to grab her and winced. Hand going to her stomach, the skin stretched around her incision. “I keep forgetting I’ve been cut open and sewn shut.” 

You reached forward, carefully slipping your hands beneath the baby. “Soon, it’ll be fully healed and it won’t feel like anything happened. Until then, don’t be afraid to put the staff members to work. Don’t tell anyone, but she’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.” 

“You think so?” 

“Absolutely.” 

The baby squirmed and whimpered during the transfer. She didn’t settle until she was up against her mother. Curled into her chest, the smallest sigh escaped her nose, followed by a faint noise that could only be described as a coo. 

“Thank you for this.” 

“Both of you look good. Would you like a few minutes alone?” You reached for your closed iPad. “I’m sure the nurses would be happy to spare a few minutes of privacy.” 

“I’d like that.” 

Before you left, you adjusted the call button, so it was closer within her reach. Once you were certain they’d be okay, you slipped through the door and let it shut behind you. The door bumped into your back on the way out, nudging you back into the hall of staff members. 

“Irrelevant to the conversation. We’re at work, so we’re talking about work. Is it a work related conversation? No. Not interested in a party. I’m here to save people’s lives, not party.” 

Dr. Yoo’s high ponytail bounced and swung behind her head. She followed after Dr. Lee’s distancing figure. “Okay, so not a party, consider it a networking event.” 

“For the last time, no. Our priority is our patients right now. You shouldn’t be bringing up outside events when we’re in the middle of the busiest time of our day. Do me a favor and go check on the patient in the first room on the left. Make sure the new nurse changed her foley catheter.” 

Dr. Yoo’s eyes narrowed at his back. Despite her glare, Dr. Lee didn’t turn around. Instead, he tapped away on his iPad and continued heading in the other direction of the hall. It took a few seconds before you reacted and called out his name. 

“Dr. Lee, do you have a moment to talk? I’m concerned about the patient you had me check on.”

He didn’t look back as he walked. Instead, he waved a hand, gesturing for you to follow him. “Let’s go, I’ve got a patient to see in this direction. Walk and talk. What’s the concern?” 

You pushed your hand beneath a hand sanitizer pump before hurrying after him. Scrubbing in the sterile liquid and wincing from the sharp scent, you coated it all over your hands. The cold liquid seeped in and destroyed whatever germs you had left on your bare hands. 

“Physically, everything looks good, but she’s disengaged from her newborn. Her husband is deceased after a car accident. She says she has support from people, but with the way hormones fluctuate after pregnancy, I’m concerned about postpartum depression. She’s angry, hurt, and ended up crying. I think it’d be a good idea to nudge her towards getting assistance for those heavy feelings.” 

He paused and spun around. Hands in his coat pockets, he faced you. Your nerves suddenly grew by tenfold. Part of you wondered if you said something wrong. You braced yourself for him to brush you off, but instead he said something that made you nearly cry. 

“What’s your suggestion?” 

“We call in the psych unit and have one of our psychiatrists talk to her. If she can explain what she just explained to me, I think they’d be able to diagnose her and–” 

“No.” 

“No?” You repeated softly. The corners of your mouth dipped into a frown. “But Dr. Lee, this is–” 

“This is a case for our social work team. You know how to page other departments?” 

You nodded. 

“Don’t page them. Go up to the nursing station. There are phone numbers for every department lead. Call the social work lead and give them that info. A psychiatrist might freak her out, so let’s let a social worker handle this first. If more intervention is needed, we’ll get psych involved. Good catch. Tell them this needs to be handled today.” 

Idiot. 

Embarrassment burned your cheeks. Why didn’t you think of that first? In South Korean culture, family means everything and right now, from what you saw, that family aspect was lacking. Who would take care of the baby when the mother needed sleep? Who would she go home to and have by her side to reassure her she was doing her best?

How could she juggle the safety of herself and her baby if she wore herself out before she got started? She mentioned family and friends, but you weren’t sure if she’d lean on them for assistance or not.

“I’ll do that right now.” 

“Excellent. Find Dr. Ono when you’re finished. See if she needs assistance with anything.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

He spun around and continued hurrying down the hall, leaving you behind with your thoughts. You watched his white coat flutter behind him for a few moments. It took a few seconds before you shook your head, snapped out of it, and spun around to follow his instructions. Your anxiety brewed and dripped with relief. 

Even if it wasn’t what you thought it’d be, you were still getting assistance for your patient. A social worker could make sure both the mother and the baby had everything they needed to succeed. The clinical aspect of a psychiatrist can intimidate people. You hoped, no matter what happened, both patients were able to access the support they needed. 

By the time your shift was over, your calves cramped. The nausea disappeared, but the exhaustion clung tight to your body. “Only a week and a half left,” you mumbled beneath your breath. “A week and a half left of PEP meds and then you’ll be done.” 

At your vehicle, you clicked the lock, swung open the side door, and shoved a few items you brought with you into the passenger’s seat. The fabric lunchbox turned onto its side. The bottom weight of the stethoscope missed the chair and dropped onto the floor. The once darkened phone’s screen lit up. When you read Kanon’s contact name, Kanonball, you grabbed your phone and swiped across it. 

“Hello?” 

“You’re alive!” 

“Yeah, I just got off my shift. I’m heading home.” You shoved the passenger’s door shut and headed to the driver’s side door. “It’s good to hear your voice.” 

“Oh, I know you’re done. I’ve been waiting for the past hour. Are you hungry? Don’t answer that. Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” 

On the other side of the phone, Kanon’s phone sat on speaker phone along the side of the counter. She stirred together a creamy coconut sauce. On top of the stove, the mixture seeped in a marriage. Coconut milk, lime juice, garlic, and fish sauce. The warmer the liquid grew, the thicker it’d become. Halibut fish roasted beneath the oven’s warm waves. Sweet and mild, it’d be dressed in the sauce once it came from the oven. Served over rice and sprinkled with chives, she couldn’t wait to consume it. 

You hesitated on the other side of the phone. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It’s been a long day and the PEP meds still have my system wrecked. I don’t want to bother you and–” 

“Don’t finish that sentence. Come on, please. I haven’t seen you in ages. I’ll get you an Uber home if that’s what you’re worried about. I miss your face and I care about you. Plus, I have something to tell you about the attacker, they caught him.” 

That got your attention. You sat up straighter and pressed the phone tighter against your ear. “Caught him, like caught him, caught him? They caught the guy.” 

“If you want to know more, you have to come over.” 

“Fine. Give me twenty minutes and I’ll be there.” 

“You won’t regret it!” 

“Maybe twenty-five with the traffic.” 

“That’s fine, the fish isn’t going anywhere, it’s already dead.” 

You rolled your eyes, but a smile tugged on the edge of your lips. Of course Kanon would nearly get stabbed to death and still find the time to crack jokes while cooking dinner. You talked for a few more moments and parted ways. 

With your phone off and both hands on the wheel, you had plenty of time to ponder the reasoning behind the violent attack.

The inside of Kanon’s house was no longer stained with blood. Marble white flooring sparkled beneath the dwindling sunlight. The moment her front door opened, you felt wildly underdressed. Ruhan Ito, Kanon’s husband, stood nearly a full head taller than you. A loose honey mustard shirt draped over a pair of black slacks. Realizing you had on your scrubs still, embarrassment washed over you. 

“Who called in the doctor?” He joked. 

“I should have changed my scrubs before I came.” 

“Nonsense. It means you’re committed to the job and aren’t we all?” He held the door open wider to let you in. 

High arches, wide open spaces, and buttercream walls laid out before you. The moment you stepped inside, you felt out of place. You filled your apartment with local art, beaded curtains, and things that made life worth living. The Ito household reminded you of the surgical procession of the hospital, shiny floors and spotless walls.

Before you could kick off your shoes, a decorative table sat with vases of flowers. Baskets of red, yellow, and orange tulips sat between glass vases. Flower pyramids of lilac, baby blue, and white lilies. A bundle of protruding dragon snaps caught you off guard. The lemon yellow plants stood upright between added greenery and the assistance of an oversized bright pink ribbon. 

With the door shut, the floral scent hit you. You stared at them for a few moments. They covered the table and sat in neat rows along the wall. “Are you opening a floral shop?” You joked. 

“It feels like it, but no. My colleagues, our families, and some other people sent well wishes when Kanon was in the hospital. Believe it or not, we still have bouquets coming every few days.” 

You lined your shoes up with the edge of the rug and followed him towards the kitchen. Something simmered and sizzled. Coconut milk and citrus overpowered the floral scents. “That’s sweet. They’re a wonderful addition to the place.” 

“And I plan to use them wisely,” Kanon called over her shoulder. “It’s about time we add some color to this place. Whoever made modern luxury equate to colorless palettes should feel what it’s like to be stabbed. What’s the point of living life without colors?” 

She stood with her back to you and her husband. The rice cooker chirped a merry tune, signaling it finished cooking the rice. “Aha! Finally! How’d you do that? You arrived right on time.” She dropped the wooden spoon she used to simmer the sauce and moved to the rice cooker. 

“Must have been magic,” you decided. “Where’s Yuwon? Sleeping?” 

“I just got her down for a nap about twenty minutes ago. She’ll probably be asleep for most of the night,” Ruhan announced. 

“Do you need any help serving?” 

Kanon paused her movements with the non-stick serving spatula in her hand. “Pft, no. Are you crazy? You’re a guest in my house. You just got off work. Sit down at the bar table and relax.” She shot you a playful glare over her shoulder. “In the meantime, Ruhan, come help me serve plates.” 

“Coming right up, honey.” 

You envied the two of them. Ruhan worked full time at his family’s law firm. They’d stacked up a handful of the best lawyers in the area. Some days, he worked overtime, but he’d recently taken time off to be with Kanon after the brutal assault. Not only did someone break into their house, but they nearly killed his wife. 

Some men would come home and claim defeat by the day’s events, but not Ruhan. Even on the days when he was tired, he came home and spent time with their daughter and Kanon. He did his best to make up for the time he was away at work. You could easily recall the countless times that Kanon said she was the luckiest woman in the world. You’d have to agree, she was lucky. Not only lucky, but fortunate. 

Fortunate enough to be able to call for help after nearly being stabbed to death. Fortunate enough to have paramedics that worked tirelessly to save her on the way to the hospital. Fortunate enough to make it to the hospital. Fortunate enough to have a knife just barely miss her heart. 

Fortunate was an understatement, but you remained grateful for everything. Here she was, standing in a flowy cotton sundress. The magenta color looked good against her skin and dark hair. She moved with ease, as if she hadn’t nearly lost her life a few weeks ago. If she had lasting trauma from it, you were sure she did, she didn’t complain.

Long hair tied back with a white bow, she worked effortlessly. When Ruhan stepped forth with glass plates, she scooped a bed of rice on each one. “Hey, I hope you like mangoes. I sliced up mangoes to go with this on the side.” 

“Sounds delicious.” 

“I’m certain pregnancy changed her taste buds. I’ve never seen her eat this much fish before. Lately, she loves making fish.” 

“That’s probably because fish contain omega-3 fatty acids.” You crossed your arms over your chest and leaned forward. “You’re still breastfeeding, right? It takes quite a bit of calories to produce milk. Plus, your body is providing nutrients to Yuwon. By eating fish, you’re replacing the nutrients you’re pushing out while breastfeeding.” 

Kanon froze. One hand sat beneath a plate Ruhan was holding. The two of them stared at you without a word. You wanted to stop the words from coming out of your mouth, but you couldn’t. 

“If you’ve noticed a change in your eating habits, you’re probably right. After pregnancy, hormones tend to be a bit whacky. You might be craving more things. If you had an aversion to certain foods or drinks during pregnancy, you might still associate negative feelings with them. Pregnancy changes the body in a variety of ways, including when it comes to taste and scents. It can still affect you, even after giving birth.”    

The goofiest grin spread across Kanon’s face. “I knew there was a great reason to have a doctor as a best friend!” She flung the spatula and a few grains of rice flew towards you. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” 

“Don’t worry, it’s not the first time I’ve had food flung at my head.” 

“What?” 

“Long story.” 

“Ruhan, can you step back? I’ve gotta get these fish out of the oven before I burn them. Did I tell you they’re seasoned in a crumb coat? I can’t wait to put this in my mouth.” 

You chuckled and watched her wiggle her hands into a pair of potholders. Inside the oven, halibut fish fillets sizzled as she pulled them out of the oven. A golden seasoning sprinkled over the top of them. The moment the scent hit you, your stomach rumbled. It took everything within you to remain patient and not squirm in your seat, like an excited toddler. 

The moment a plate sat down before you, your stomach growled again. Ruhan and Kanon pulled chairs to the other side of the extended bar table. Kanon adjusted the baby monitor’s volume, cranking it up, so everyone could hear if Yuwon woke up. You didn’t touch your fork until the two of them started digging into their own plates of food. 

“Breadcrumbs, dill, a bit of salt and pepper.” Kanon waved her fork around as she recalled all the spices she added into the seasoning mixture. “The white stuff soaking the rice is the coconut sauce. The lime juice enhances the taste.” 

“Honey, you make a fine chef.” 

“And you make a fine husband.” 

Ruhan’s cheeks turned red. Black bangs tangled across his forehead. “Only because I have the best wife.” 

The sparkle in Kanon’s eyes almost made you burst into tears. Unfortunately, you’d never been good with mushy love, so you ruined the moment instead. “I didn’t know I came over to watch an irl romcom.” 

The pair shared another dreamy eyed look before bursting into laughter. Ruhan reached up and rubbed the side of his temple. Kanon scooped up another bite of rice. “We’re not used to having guests.” 

“Your house, your rules.” 

“Seriously, we’re glad you’re here and we’re grateful you found Yuwon. If you wouldn’t have found her…”

The light mood diminished with those words instantly. A newfound heaviness rolled in and sank the laughter. Kanon shook her head and looked away. Ruhan leaned over and placed his free hand over Kanon’s free hand. 

“If there’s anything you need, let us know. We can pay–” 

“What?” Your eyes widened and your head shook. “No way. Absolutely not. I didn’t rescue Yuwon expecting some sort of complimentary reward. I did it because I care about her and I care about you two. This dinner right here? This is the best thing I could ever ask for.” 

“We want to thank you.” 

“And I promise, this right here is enough. I haven’t had a homemade meal since I’ve been on the PEP meds. I’ve been too nauseated to eat or I only consume TV dinners. A person can only have so many TV dinners before they nearly lose their mind. I’ve been so tired after my shifts, cooking feels impossible.” 

Kanon sucked in a deep breath and sighed. “I’m glad you like it, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.” 

“Then tell me about you. How are you doing? Last time we talked, you said they removed your stitches.” 

“They did. I have some pretty gnarly scars, but the doctors sewed me back into one piece and I’m grateful for that. I’m more grateful that Yuwon is young enough, she’ll never remember it happening.” 

Ruhan squeezed Kanon’s hand so tight, her golden skin turned pale. The sweetened coconut sauce seeping into your rice didn’t taste as good. Chilled mango slices waited for you to take one out of a nearby bowl, but the craving dissolved immediately. 

“It’s all my fault,” Ruhan whispered. “My job almost got my family killed.” 

You raised an eyebrow. 

“That’s not true,” Kanon insisted. “It’s not your fault someone attacked us. Sane people don’t break inside people’s homes with knives.” 

Ruhan sucked in a shaky breath and pushed his thumb and index fingers into his eyes. Curiosity perked, but you remained quiet, waiting for them to inform you what happened on their own terms and when the time was right. Kanon’s thumb brushed against the back of his knuckles, reminding him she was there. 

“That day, we had our security cameras rolling. They caught everything on film. We know exactly who broke in and we assume we know why it happened. Ruhan recently closed a malpractice case against the hospital and a family member of a deceased patient.” 

“A woman died,” he croaked. “She had a reaction to the anesthesia. I defended the hospital against the malpractice lawsuit the husband filed against them. The case didn’t make it far. A judge dismissed the case. The husband was running off of high emotions and court cases require physical proof. Every staff member in that room did their best to save the patient, but you can’t save every patient.” 

Flashes of Somi’s face flipped through your brain. Your own emotions ran high. Averting your eyes to the food in front of you, your own nausea came back. You remembered exactly how it felt to press down on the little girl’s sternum. To plead to a higher power to save her and stop the flatline. 

“I met the guy once,” Ruhan continued. “He was aggressive and angry. He couldn’t cope with his wife dying. He blamed the doctors and the staff members. He blamed me for his wife not being able to get justice, but she signed off on the paperwork. She agreed to the surgery and she knew there was a risk involved.” 

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 

A lump built up in the back of your throat. It was tragic that the man’s wife was dead, but he nearly took out Kanon to gain his own version of justice. If his wife was dead, he’d kill Ruhan’s wife and make him feel how he felt. If the legal system dismissed his own case, he’d find justice himself. 

“Well,” Kanon croaked, “the good news? He’s been arrested. Ruhan sent the police all the evidence and everything.” 

“And I’ll be sure he gets the maximum penalty for what he did to my family.” 

Faint wails broke through the tension. The baby monitor’s green light flickered with audio reception. Before anyone could do anything, Ruhan stood up. “I’ll take care of it. You two can continue eating. I’ll see if I can get her back to sleep.” 

His footsteps faded away and silence crept between you and Kanon. You stared down at your plate without a word. Kanon sucked in a shaky breath and sniffled. When you looked up, she wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “I think it’s taken more of a toll on him than it has me. He feels like he’s failed everyone.” 

“He was only doing his job,” you weakly defended him. 

“It doesn’t matter to him. As far as he’s concerned, his job nearly killed me. If I wouldn’t have hidden Yuwon and fought back, it would have killed both of us.” 

And with those words, you were once again reminded of how fragile life can be.

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The back of your calves burned. You made the mistake of glancing over the railing. Down below, a wooden table full of antique artifacts turned to unidentified objects. Old brochures of something once blooming with life, became old papers with words you couldn’t read, even if you squinted, and cocked your head. 

When your best friend sent you an address and told you he was waiting at the top, you weren’t sure what you expected. The two of you did this every so often. You’d disappear into the abyss and send the other a text on your days off. Your own little version of wandering, a way to explore the area around you.  

The last time you played this game, you ended up preparing a picnic on the top of a random hill, a new telescope pointed high into the night sky, outlined by the silhouette of the moonlight, you spoke of the constellations you took the time to learn about. In the presence of one another, you ate too much candy and fell asleep curled against his body. 

Best friend turned lover, you knew the trope. Jisung’s crush on you had been obvious from day one. The rosy color along his cheeks when you moved too close. His sputtering when you made him speechless. The hands that always found their way to you. In your jacket, in your hands, curled around your arm. 

No matter how close he got, it was the one boundary you’d put up. You swore there was nothing more in store for the two of you. Two best friends and that was it. Romantic love, the intimacy, the meshing of two souls becoming one, there’d be none of that. 

He never pressed for anything more. Despite how much it caused his heart to ache, he understood. It stung, thorns in his lungs, but he accepted it without complaint. At least you were friends, at least he could call you his best friend. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted exactly, he still loved you. 

A shaky huff and then you stopped. Eyes squeezing shut, head tipped forward, your calves continued to scream. Each breath you took made your lungs ache. You kept one hand steady on the rail and gently lowered yourself to a seated position. 

You thought you pulled up to the wrong address at first. The lighthouse teetering high above your head, you laughed at it and shook your head. Nobody was around and you were certain it’d be locked. How the hell could your best friend possibly gain access to a lighthouse? You never knew it was here. 

When you texted him a photo of it, he sent you back a thumbs up, followed by a single text message. 

“I’m waiting at the top.”

You sucked in one deep breath and then another. The staircase never ended. The further you climbed up, the steps became steeper. Just a few more moments to catch your breath and then you’d try again. 

~ ~ ~ 

“Han Jisung!” You yelled. “I should kill you for this!” You stumbled through a door with your legs on fire. You groaned and reached down, gently kneading the back of your bare calves. 

Faint footsteps came from the side. It took a few seconds for him to appear with a grin. “Aw, come on, it wasn’t that bad.” 

“You dance for eight hours a day.” 

“That’s not how my group practices, but whatever toots your horn. Don’t be too mad. How could you resist oreo cheesecake?” 

You froze at the words and slowly stood up. “Oreo cheesecake? You made me climb hundreds of stairs for oreo cheesecake?”

In his hands, he held a styrofoam container. He held two plastic forks high in the air and waved them with excitement. “Seven-hundred and thirty-two steps for half of a whole oreo cheesecake, yeah. I bought it at a nearby bakery. I figured I couldn’t eat the whole thing, so I decided to invite you.” 

You shot him a glare, but he didn’t care. He shrugged and continued on. “Come on, I have a blanket on the cement over here. The wind isn’t bad today. Wait until you check out the view.” 

“Asshole,” you grumbled. 

He either didn’t hear you or he did, but he didn’t care. You followed him, trying to ignore the pain in your calves. Limping and cursing, he led you around the circular top of the exterior balcony. Thick ropes curled through cement posts, keeping you safe from falling over the edge. 

It wasn’t until you lowered yourself beside him that you understood what you were looking at. Down below, frothy white waves crashed against rocks and nipped at the land holding the lighthouse. A cotton candy pink sky swirled with finger painted streaks of an approaching night blue. Night marched on, but the golden sun kept hold over the westward sky. 

Breath in your throat, you couldn’t breathe. The words ceased to exist. Waves drifted back and rushed forward, trying to crush the sturdy landscape below. The waves could fight all night, but they’d never accomplish what they wanted to do. It’d take years of weathering and erosion before the ocean would take this land hostage. 

Until then, limestone crept high in the sky. Its sharp point brushed against the low-hanging clouds. On foggy days, the once bright light pulsed through the haze and waved to approaching boats. With modern day navigation, the lighthouse’s light wasn’t needed anymore. It’d been out of operation for the past three decades, but it still stood as a land monument. As an ode to the past, visitors were granted historic tours and they could purchase small trinkets from a downstairs gift shop. 

“How’d you manage to find this place?” You finally asked, breaking the silence. 

“I told you, I wandered around and found it.” 

“Sure.” 

He shifted on the black blanket. He set the styrofoam tray between the two of you. Popping it open, the creamy top layer of cheesecake sat decorated with half oreos. They circled the exterior, neatly sitting next to one another. Inside the rim of oreos, more crushed oreos filled the top. 

“They said the crust is also made from oreos.” 

You raised an eyebrow. “What’s the occasion?” 

“The occasion? Uh…” He trailed off, glancing down towards the foamy sea. 

Up above, a handful of seagulls shrieked and dipped below the top of the building. They landed near the bottom, an attempt to find food in the fading sunlight. Thankfully, they left the two of you alone. You knew how disappointed Jisung would be if something happened to his precious cheesecake. 

He settled on a shrug. “No occasion, unless you call my craving for cheesecake an occasion. We’ve worked hard at our jobs, so I thought this could be a nice break. The view is good.” 

“Better than good, it’s perfect.” 

He chuckled and handed you a fork. “It’d be better if you ate while watching it. Have you ever had oreo cheesecake? It’s great, I can’t recommend it enough.” 

“Have you ever had it?” 

“I got a sample from the bakery about an hour ago and it was good enough. I bought the full size, so yes, I’ve had it.” 

He stabbed his fork into the creamy mixture. Scooping it up, he brought it to his mouth. Cookie crumbs fell onto his denim jacket, but he didn’t care. The moment it hit his mouth, he moaned. You snorted, shaking your head. Following along, your own fork dipped into the mixture. 

The flavors exploded on your tongue. The sweetness of the oreo cookie and a mild tang from the cream cheese filling. Bite-after-bite, you ate together in silence. Seagulls swooped and dived, the ocean’s waves danced, and two hearts beat beside one another. Pressed against century old limestone, the ghost of a thousand untold stories, the sailors that once were, all swallowed by history, except for the memory of the ocean; it knew everything. 

The ocean pushes and pulls, but it never forgets. It doesn’t forget the taste of salted skin, bodies upon bodies floating within its waves. The bare feet of adults, the shapes of limbs, and the laughter of children just learning to flow amongst its strong waves. It doesn’t forget the barnacle-laced bottom of worn sailboats and the sleek glimmer of boats dropped into her awaiting arms from the nearest boat ramp. 

No matter how young, no matter how old, curled within the womb, the ashes between someone’s hand taken by the wind, the ocean remembers everything. The fish within her stomach, the birds searching for prey, and the last breath of a life. They taint and stain the waves. Water ebbs and flows, it sloshes and it’s transferred from place-to-place, but the memories never end. 

Salt spray and the fading warmth of the sun, your arms curled around your body. Noticing it, Jisung dropped his fork in the container. “Are you cold? Take this.” One arm at a time, he wiggled his way from his denim jacket. “I still have the hoodie beneath it. Besides, I was getting a little too warm.” 

“Probably from your body heating up from your blood sugar rising.” 

“You think so?” 

You chuckled and shrugged. “I have no clue. I don’t even know if that’s a thing. I pulled it out of thin air.” 

The denim jacket smelled like bitter espresso. He pulled an arm of it up over your shoulder and you tugged it across your other arm. Knowing him, he probably spilled an americano on it. Your eyes fluttered shut and your chin dipped, falling against your chest. 

Fingers still outstretched, Jisung froze. His Adam’s apple bobbed and he swallowed. “Are you okay? You don’t have to eat more if you don’t want to.” 

“It’s been eating away at me, so I’ll just say it. I’m worried I’m leading you on.” 

His brain glitched. Your words repeated in his head, but they made no sense to him. They bounced around, flicking through every section of his brain, but there wasn’t a ping of recognition. No lightbulb moment, just silent worry and a fear that’d never been there before. 

His words came out quieter. He didn’t want to force them out, but if he didn’t ask, he’d never know. “What do you mean by that? You’ve always told me what you wanted.” 

“What if that’s not enough, Jisung? What if some little part of you stays here because one day, you think I’ll change my mind?” You shifted your head, staring at him with an unfamiliar look of pity. “What if you spend your entire life dreaming of something that’ll never happen? What if I’m the one thing standing in the way between you and the person you’re supposed to be with in the future?” 

He shook his head frantically. “No, no, it’s not like that.” Dark hair fluttering in the wind, he continued. “I’m not friends with you because of what could be, I’m friends with you because I love you. Did I do something that makes you feel like I…” He trailed off, struggling to get out the words. “Did I make you feel otherwise?” 

“What? No. God, no.” You shifted backwards. A heavy sigh and shut eyes. Knees curled up beneath your chin, his heart squeezed with guilt. “I worry too much.” 

“If I didn’t care about you as a friend, I wouldn’t be here. Look at this!” He gestured out to the sight before you. “I don’t invite people that don’t mean anything to me to spots like these. What’s up with you? You’re usually more self-assured.” 

Your lips stayed shut. A distant gaze grew and you didn’t look his way. Head lost to the wind and the waves, no words tumbled out. He stayed quiet, waiting for you to put the puzzle pieces back together, the pieces of the friendship that once upon a time made so much sense. 

Salted air caught your lungs and the words lost their vocalization. Something deep within you twisted and pulverized; a crab claw to the jugular and an oxygen valve pinched shut. The world always made so much sense until it didn’t. Life flows and you find your head above water, but then the tides change. You choke and seaweed drags you down. Curled against your ankles, tied into sturdy sailor’s knots, there’s nothing you can do to free yourself from them. 

“I don’t think I can be loved the way you want to love me. I trust you with every fiber of my being, but I don’t trust myself. I can handle friendships, I can handle this, but the idea of anything more than this, it’s suffocating. Platonic relationships are so different from romance. A romance isn’t just a romance to you, it's forever and I can’t do forever.” 

The words dropped, like a huge boulder. He wanted to speak up and stutter, to convince you it wasn’t true, but the only one he’d be trying to convince was himself. For some people, love is a fling and for some, it’s always forever. People fall head over heels. It becomes addicting and the cravings of the other grows every day. It’s an addiction that can’t be cut out so easily. 

How do you carve out your own heart? 

“I know you, Jisung. I’ve known you for years now and I cherish that all the time, but I’m afraid for you. I know me. I know how I act. I act like I’m clueless, but I know my flaws. I know I’m terrified to put everything out on the line and sacrifice myself. When things get serious, I run. I avoid the hard things because not being able to control every little thing is terrifying.” 

The words poured out, coming from pieces of your soul that’d been aching for years. A hollowness settled in after life took out bites of what once was. There is so much in this life that is unknown. For some, it’s an adventure and for others, for you, it’s a never-ending hell. The confidence dissolves and self-doubt settles in. It creeps inside and uses the brain as a duck-feather pillow.

“You deserve someone who can be there for you on your worst days and on your best days. I panic and I freeze. I stutter and I’m afraid of my own feelings.” You weakly snorted and rested your chin on your knees. “At this point, I’m probably afraid of my own shadow.” 

“I wouldn’t ask you to sacrifice yourself for me, I’d only ask you to be you.” 

His fingers slid across his jeans. Oreo crumbs flung off, settling against the pavement. Before they’d become an issue for the owner, the wind would take them and carry them to the water below. 

“I’d never beg you to turn into someone you’re not.” 

“I wish I loved you like you deserved.” 

“You think you don’t? What more do I deserve? Because this–” He gestured to you and the cheesecake. “This is what life is about. It’s not about the fame and the spotlight, it’s about this view. This is what heaven is. This view, this height, the wind in our hair, the salt in the sea, and even those damn birds that shit everywhere.” 

The seriousness of the moment was broken by your laughter. You tried to stay quiet, but your body shook against your will. The quip of your lips tipped upright and it slipped out without warning. “You’re such a goof.” 

“But I mean it! The railing over there is covered in bird shit!” He waved his hand behind him with wide eyes. “That's why I came here!” He patted the blanket beneath the two of you. “The least bird shit area around. They need diapers or something.” 

You smiled and leaned back upright. Shaking your head, you pressed back against the limestone. Eyes shut, Jisung swore you were an angel. This really was heaven, even if you didn’t believe it. It was his version of heaven, cheesecake and all. 

“I wish I wasn’t so afraid of romance,” you finally whispered. “If I wasn’t afraid, I’d kiss you.” 

“You’d what?” 

“I’d kiss you.” 

He leaned closer and cupped his ear. “Huh? What was that? I can’t hear you over the wind.” 

“Han Jisung, I’d kiss you! I’d grab you by the collar of that stupid hoodie and I’d plant my lips against yours!” 

The goofiest grin filled his face. Ear-to-ear, he lit up in a way you’d never seen him before. “If that’s the case, I wouldn’t oppose it. My lips are open and ready.” He shifted upright and straightened his posture. “How do I look? Please tell me you’re sitting on my good side.” 

“You don’t have a good side, you always look good.” 

“Do I? Do I?” He leaned your way and nudged you with his elbow. “Tell me more. What else do you like about me? Is it my hair? My handsome face? Baby, tell me.” 

Your cheeks flushed red and you swatted his shoulder. “Shut up. I just poured my heart out to you and now you’re teasing me.” 

“I’m not teasing you, I’m helping you see the light. I’m not an asshole, you know. I wouldn’t push you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. Who do you think I am?” He tipped his head. “We’ve been friends for… how long?” 

“Over a decade,” you grumbled. “Since high school, give or take a few years.” 

“Ah, high school, yeah, the epic highs and lows of high school football.” 

“Are you quoting a TV show right now?” 

He shrugged and reached for his fork again. “Maybe, maybe not.” You watched him lift up another scoop of cheesecake to his mouth. “What do you have to lose? We could always try it and if you hate it, we could go back to being friends.” 

“And ruin our friendship?” 

“I think it’d take the friendship to new heights. Not everyone knows what their friends' lips taste like.” 

“You are such a–” 

“Dashing handsome guy that could be your boyfriend?” 

“How are you this brave right now? You’re usually a stuttering mess when we talk about this topic.” 

“Babe, I’m drunk on the view and potentially tipsy on the three shots I consumed before I got here.” 

“Jisung!” 

“What?” He threw his hands up above his head. “I was nervous! You can’t blame a guy for trying to calm his nerves. It’s okay, I’ve had cheesecake to accompany the shots.” 

“We’re over a hundred meters up in the air!” 

“I’m tipsy, not drunk.” 

“Tipsy on stupidity.” 

“Oh, shush.” 

“What am I going to do with you?” 

He leaned closer. “You could start by kissing me. You don’t have to, but it would make me feel better.” 

“Jisung…” 

He groaned and leaned back. “Oh, alright. I’m sorry for pressuring you. Honestly, I brought you up here because I was hoping you’d finally give me a chance and say yes to dating me. I think the only thing I gave myself is a stomach ache from eating so much cheesecake.” 

“You haven’t consumed that much.” You glanced down, but his side of cheesecake told a different story. Nearly half of his section was missing. “When did you eat that much? I swear you’ve barely touched it.” 

“I’m a growing man who takes big bites when he’s nervous.” 

And you never planned to act on your silent feelings, but suddenly you understood what he was talking about. The view looked a little too good. Jisung with his hair swept back and blowing in the wind. His hands half-hidden by the worn edges of the hoodie sleeves that he’d always fiddle with when he was nervous. Sunlight caught his eyes just right and suddenly, he’d never looked better. Tipsy from alcohol and flushed cheeks, lips sweetened from oreo cheesecake.

Up high enough to touch the clouds, you sat side-by-side. Running on newfound adrenaline, maybe it was love. You inched closer and gently grabbed his chin. “If I kiss you, you can’t hold it against me.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

Your lips were on his. Lips pressed together and warm bodies collided and curled against the faint breeze. The edge of the blanket flapped in the wind, hanging over the edge of the structure. Cookie crumbs flew and you’d always been afraid, but in this moment, the fear melted away and something else awakened within you. 

Maybe the sugar coating Jisung’s lips infused and spiked your own blood sugar or maybe, just maybe, this is what it feels like to break out of the box of fear and try something new. Laying it all on the line, you held nothing back. 

Fingers curled against the front strings of his hoodie, you kissed him until you couldn’t breathe. Lips moving in sync,  you’d never felt this way before and at the same time, you never wanted it to stop. 

Every cell in your body vibrated and hummed. Something tickled your lower stomach. Could this be the butterflies that everyone always talks about? When you pulled away, you couldn’t breathe. Heart stuck in your throat, nothing made sense. You floated on cloud-nine, stuck in a daze. 

When you pulled back, Jisung blinked once and then again. When he planned this, he imagined you’d turn him down again. He’d always dreamed about this, but this wasn’t a dream. It was real and you were here. Your body against his, he swore he sprouted wings and he was flying. Circling you and dipping in a fairy-like dance, he was happier than you’d ever know. 

“So…” He finally started. “That was… um…” 

“If we date, can we do that again?” 

“As many times as you want to.” 

“Let’s go on a date.” 

“Is this not a date?” 

“This is a…” You trailed off, reaching up to touch your lips. They were still warmer than usual, heated up by his own lips. “I don’t think I can think right now.” 

“Let’s call this date one. We don’t have to call ourselves significant others. We can just let that settle in and eat more cheesecake. Friendship date, romance date, whatever it is, I’m just happy you showed up.” 

“Me too.” 

With shaky fingers, you grabbed your fork and tried to scoop up another dollop of cheesecake. Somewhere between heaven and earth, feeling like an alien in your own body, Jisung reached over and gently pulled the fork away. 

“Here, let me get that for you. Take a deep breath if you need to, your fingers are shaking. ” 

“I can’t believe I just kissed you after swearing I’d never do that in this life.” 

“You can try to resist my temptation in the next life, but I’ll be dashing in that life, too.” 

When he lifted the scoop of cheesecake, you opened your mouth and took it. As you swallowed, you didn’t know which you craved more, another bite of cheesecake or the taste of Jisung’s lips. Either way, both were there and waiting for you. 

“Feel better now?” Jisung asked. 

“I feel like I’m flying.”

“Me too.” 

As you shared a smile, you didn’t know what came next for either of you, but you knew it’d be as sweet as this oreo cheesecake sitting between you. 

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Honestly, I've never understood the whole thing with K-Pop fandoms getting into fights and having beef with one another. I might not engage with Enhypen, but I love NewJeans, so I know about the devastation of a member leaving. I was there when Zayn left One Direction 🫠

It wasn't hard to feel sympathy for the fans of Enhypen. Some K-Pop groups feel fragile. You never know what might happen with them, so I think it's important to embrace and enjoy what we have now while we still can.

Is it? I forget America and Australia are on two different sides of the hemisphere. I'm experiencing spring, supposedly. There's been a few nights it has dipped down to the point of freezing. The temperature keeps rising and falling drastically, so I try to enjoy the warmer days while they're here. Take advantage of warm beverages and hearty foods, they warm and soothe the soul.

Hey, I can't blame you. Where I'm at, I can travel a few hours to Chicago and my eastern standard time zone switches by an hour. In California, the time zone difference is three hours. In Hawaii, it's a six hour difference. It's enough to make my own head hurt. I don't know how the time zones work in Australia, but I know Sydney, Australia is fourteen hours ahead of me.