wow, so uh I’m alive.

this is crazy, tumblr wasn’t letting me log in for a few months after my thesis defense (July 31st, 2014!!! holy crap) and I’d even gone as far as contacting support and was told there was nothing they could do that my blog had been hacked. i’d set my queue to post for some holidays, so if i randomly started posting that is why. 

for some reason, I woke up today and tried to log in after over two years of not trying and it WORKS???? 

ok???

let me take this moment to apologize if my sudden absence worried/scared anyone. honestly, i didn’t mean to ghost anyone. 

anyway....so I’m a very different person now but at the same time the same person? I haven’t gone and re-read my personal posts yet so I have no clue where I was at emotionally so here is a quick run down. it’s going to be weird looking back at my personal posts...

1. I graduated from grad school. I’ve got a Masters!

2. That Masters degree is useless, despite being in a science major. I’ve yet to work in the geology field or anything related to environmental science. mostly been working as a lab technician for toxicology and pharmaceuticals.

3. despite how cool/responsible those jobs sound, i’m actually still a piece of shit. i haven’t been able to hold a job for more than 9 months at a time because...

4. i’ve had many mental breakdowns. at least three major and debilitating depressive episodes since 2014 (about once a year i go batshit and lose the ability to function as a human....)

5. in 2016, after a breakdown/suicide attempt and a LOT of therapy i was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. yup, i’m trans. yup, i realized i was trans during the House Bill 2 bullshit and lived in North Carolina no less. 

6.i was beginning to transition (just changed my clothing) and i was verbally harassed at my job. i ended up quitting because of the way i was treated and it scared me back into hiding. i’ve yet to “officially come out” to my family. only my brother and three friends from high school/college know that i am trans. 

7. in november 2016, i’d decided that i didn’t want to live in NC and that i just didn’t feel safe to transition there. i started saving as much money as i could so i could move.

8. i randomly got a job as a High School science teacher for an alternative school after moving back in with my parents (yes, I was 27 and living at home yes its pretty pathetic). it was a cool job, but stressful since most of my students were/are criminals. not kidding or exaggerating, over half of the student body wear ankle monitors for parol and are going to school instead of federal prison. yeah. it was intense af. saved up enough money though!

9. this past june, i sold everything i couldn’t fit in my car. packed up my shit and drove to colorado. i live in denver now. by myself. it’s surreal.

10. i’m getting ready to medically transition (aka start testosterone). got an appointment for Oct 2nd, but this week I'm going to try and find something sooner than that.

11. my depression and anxiety are still rather debilitating. i have no idea how i was able to get out here in the condition i am in. i’ll admit i spent the first month in my apartment. no, seriously, i didn’t leave my apartment for a month. yeah. 

and that brings us to the present. 

i’m 27 years old, alone, unemployed and depressed. yay?