meow

call me lia

the daily depersonalization along with extremely vivid dreams is a wacky wombo combo ive got going on. i dreamt i went to a store with someone and then a few hours later i was looking for the thing i bought.

why do i feel like shit for wanting a life of my own? my mother has ms, so doing some tasks are difficult and im about to move to the city for college and idk i feel very iffy. sometimes i wish i didnt have to be a caretaker of sorts. is that horrible?

ghosting. sometimes i feel like nothing is worth it. not even in a suicidal way i mean im 11 months clean but i just wish i was gone. why am i not gone. ugh.

ive been thinking about this dude. wondering why im so drawn by him. from his basketball skills to his mannerisms ive realized hes the perfect ratio of masculinity and femininity. he has a elegant walk and feminine mannerisms yet a very masculine presence and presentation. his beautiful curly hair. his perfect smile. he’s so gorgeous.

i just glanced in his direction. i notice all the little things. all the big things. like the color coordinating with his outfit. his shiny long hair. he looks so nice. i wish. i just wish i was him.

i was asking my friends about what they wanted to pursue later in life. made me feel worse about not knowing what im gonna do.

the weird thing about have being r/ped is that some people become hypersexual. its a weird thing i wish didnt happen. its like i imagine myself in these little scenes, but would never actually commit to it. i guess i just fantasize about how it couldve been you know? like how i couldve felt. get it? whatever i dunno.

why are the simplest of tasks becoming much more difficult. im pretty sure ive showered once this week. havent brushed my teeth in months we’re way beyond that. sometimes i think i can do it but then it just never happens and i feel like shit all over again. ugh.

you know that feeling of tension between you and a person when you both know you’re drifting apart and wont be friends for much longer. it fucking sucks. especially when you have attachment issues and you thought you guys would br together for a while. not just three months. whatever, T chose that path.

i caught myself staring at him today. i was confused at first. wondering, why do i keep locking my eyes on him. he’s just some dude. some average looking dude who’s smart, has pretty eyes, long healthy hair, and friends surrounding him everywhere he goes… oh yeah. i forgot im some lonely, ugly cisfemale with bad hair. i forgot im failing all my classes, including math which i used to be a pro at but depression gets to you. i forgot i have eyes that make me look dead inside. i forgot everyday im wondering which bathroom i should go to for lunch. i forgot im alone everywhere i go.

i hate the feeling of not knowing the difference between my platonic, romantic, and jealous feelings. do i like you or were you just nice to me? do i like you or are you a an attractive cismale im jealous of?