Virtual Dumping Site

For as long as i could remember, I’ve been trying so hard to fit in. To follow the norms of the society, to follow what ever the elders say. 

“A lady shouldn’t be acting so boyish like you do.”

“Wear a dress, that’s what a lady is suppose to wear.”

“You should have long hair because you’re a girl.”

I’ve learned how to listen and not digest it so hard that it affects me too much. I tried being me, wearing pants instead of skirts, sneakers instead of high heels, short hair instead of long. I was comfortable that way, so why bother thinking of what people think about me? Right?

Then they went deeper on how I treat people, or rather how disrespectful I am. I believe in the saying, “Respect begets respect,” because not everyone especially nowadays deserve your respect. Funny how people tend to see your wrong doings and look passed themselves on how they really treat you. 

I consider myself as a mirror, I reflect whatever you give me. I found it easier to cope that way rather than to exert effort and not get at least half of what I give. Don’t get me wrong, i know it’s not good to expect something in return but you can’t blame me in hoping to at least be appreciated at some point, or even just acknowledged. 

It’s so depressing to think as well that you don’t have the right to be tired, sad, to feel hurt by what they do to you. Like they’re telling you you can’t be human, you’re not supposed to feel that way for what they think is that they’ve done nothing wrong for you to feel that way. They don’t look deeper to find the root cause, they see what is easier to find, which is you so they blame it on you instead.

I’ve tried to look for the positive aspect of these kinds of situations...

“Maybe they just want me to be tough.”

What if I am already? When will it be enough? 

“Maybe they just want me to see the value of things.”

I’ve never asked for something because I learned it’s better earn something to know the true value of something, didn’t i get the point there yet? Then they still have the audacity to say they’re fair when they don’t even let you be and try to express how you really feel? I think they got unfair mixed up.

Now, I’ve finally made up my mind that I’m moving out and this time to choose my sanity for once, but why is it like that I look like the bad guy? Why is it that they see this action of mind as a sign of disrespect wherein they’re the ones who told me to leave if I cannot handle them anymore? Why? 

Why is it so wrong to choose myself for once in my life where I’ve put you guys first even if I was in pain?

Why is it so wrong to choose myself for once where I’ve tried to put all your pieces back together when I myself was torn? 

Why is it so bad to choose myself now? Well I guess I’ll never know.

Thesis Defense Day