Some HOT ™ takes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and I know that for me, like many other kids, (I’m 23 now but when I started interacting with the LGBTQ+ community on here I was probably 15-17.) Tumblr was the only LGBTQ+ community I can safely interact with while being closeted, and to know that the politics have shifted to exclusionist bullshit back when it was a way more accepting community beforehand is genuinely frightening.

Everyone always says they hate the “cishet aces” (Which, if you know the definition of Cishet, it’s impossible to have cishet aces or aros). but I can’t tell you how many times I and plenty of other LGBTQ+ aces (By their standards nonetheless) have been targeted. Rather it be posts about ace discourse or just random ace positivity posts.

Look now. There are people in the ace positivity tag posting the murder pictures of Bianca Devins because they knew she was ace. I know that exclusionists will separate themselves from the whole thing (as they are now probably.) but the fact that it’s even happening is just proof that this is a way bigger fucking problem than they’ll ever admit it to be. It's not just some “Tumblr Discourse” bullshit. 

The fact her death has become a discourse in it’s self fucking terrifying and disgusting. She doesn’t deserve that and I feel wrong even bringing it up. I’m gonna stop talking about it now.

for a while I was actually debating on coming out to my dad but I got a reminder today as to why not We had a fun start to the day but he got mad at my brother for not responding to a message he sent a few days ago and went on a vent about how he keeps quiet about being mad about how he’s gay and about his furry art thought he “had a man he could talk to” and how his bloodline ends now because he’s not gonna have a kid with his boyfriend and it felt like a punch to the chest.

The bloodline thing always confused me. He’s upset because “his legacy ends here” with my brother because he doesn’t want kids. When I was still wanting to have kids I tried to uplift him or explain that my sister and I would prolly have kids but I’m a girl so my kids wouldn’t “continue his bloodline”

It reminded me why I never wanted to talk about my sexuality and gender with him though and was miserable when I was younger. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I ever happen fall in love with a girl. Eventually if we were together it’d have to come out to him.

No one wanted to piss him off any more than he was so they didn’t say anything. I don’t want to risk my well being to say anything either. but yeah, its back to happy cheery its okay now that the rants over with but I’m just fucked up and hurting. He’d never accept it. I thought he was changing with how he talked about it christmas time with my brother but now I see it’s all preformative bullshit, and it hurts.

On top of this I feel like he’s just mad because my brother didn’t want to be his god damn therapist. I have to listen to him all the time but this particular time he “needed a man to vent to” even though it was about literally the same shit he’s been talking to me about. I can’t even remember time wise the last time I was outwardly and verbally upset about something, but I remember getting yelled at for it by him.

Plus when he was bitching about the furry art it was about how he was “Smarter than that” and that he “could do better” and stuff, and then I heard “Same with ___” which I’m 100 percent certain meant me because I’m the only other one who doesn’t have a job and does art online. He won’t let me get a job because “he needs me around the house more than the money.” (not even considering that I stay inside all the fucking time in a dead fucking town where I have NO friends and have for 5 fucking years and maybe want something to bust up the monotony.) College feels too overwhelming and stressful for me. I don’t even know what I’d major in. I wanted to have some sort of Music major but felt like that would’ve been too hard to achieve. (not the degree, a successful career) Now I’m just kinda lost and have no idea what I’d want to do for my life, and certainly don’t want to fry my brain like High school did,  but at this point I think it’s the only way I”m gonna be able to move out. I can’t get a job to afford moving (as if an entry level job would pay much to begin with.) We’re living paycheck to paycheck. I just feel stuck.

I can’t be out. I can’t get a job because he doesn’t want me to. I can’t get a car because we can’t afford it, can’t go see friends because I never have time and can’t afford it. I can’t do this. I can’t do that. I try to help but I can’t do that. I need money to do half the things I want to but I can’t get a job because he needs me at home more. Can’t even do it to just help the family. I don’t even know why I try anymore. I feel like I”m gonna fucking rot away here. I know what I have to do is just ignore him and live my life anyway but it’s so fucking hard to do that, especially when any big stress has been making him seriously sick and have exacerbations. It was easier for my siblings to leave (as he did similar things to them.) because he wasn’t as sick, but I feel like I”m stuck because he is.

and then being gay and nonbinary and hearing his homophobic and transphobic shit is just the cherry on top of the shitshake. creme de la creme of the pain.