Lexijune

Small its always been small

Small is my frame behind the bare beams

Bare like my heart when Im back here

Both the beams and my heart rusted slightly from time

This town and I

Both broken

If I can’t love this town

And it made me

Am I just as unloveable

I stand among the graves left here

The grass brushing my ankle

If I dont love this town

When it cared for them in my absence

Do I really love them.

This town I had to escape from

Its empty now

Had I not held her in my arms

When we were both only children

Could I have stayed as innocent as she

Her eyes met mine

My heart was no longer just an organ

Her infant hand wrapped my finger

9 years vs A few days

I covered it for myself

Im not a mom she just needs to be fed

Im not a mom but someone has to bathe her

Im not a mom but lullabies help her sleep

Im not a mom

But where was our mom

Im not a mom but she smiles in my iron maiden tee

Im not a mom but she laughs if you give her piggy back rides

Im not a mom but I always have time for superman

Im not a mom but I was the first one there when her dad died

Im not a mom but the cops told her he was dead with just me there

Im not a mom but I let her crash in my bed that night

My feet gently touch the wooden floor of my bedroom

The laughter in the other room echoes through the trailer

My son, my wife, our dog sprawled out on the living room floor

The warmth spreads through my chest

Our life together.

Your life

I feel the phone cold in my hand

Telling them where to send the cops

Your voice growing fainter on the other side of the line

I don’t dare hangup

Someone has to be there

You have to know someone was there

You tell me it will be okay

That you will wake up

We will adopt a son

We will renovate our trailer

hardwood floors just like we talked

For a week I held my breath

Stuck in limbo waiting for any news

My phone rang a number I didnt know

Your voice full of life

Your life.

In your closet there is a safe

Tucked away under clothes that never got to be hung up

The key lost with you when you passed.

Inside the safe hide your secrets and darkest fears

Unanswered questions that never dared to be spoken

Could we have talked it out

Could I have forgiven you

Why throw away the family you created

Were we always pawns to you

Had I not known would we have been fine

Had I said something would you be here now

If you are a monster than what does that make me

The girl who built herself up in your image

Her hand falters on the last detail

A perfect painting

A painting of a perfect family

The daughter smiling

A father that never failed to stay sober

One that was around and not cell hopping

No step father hiding behind lies

Lies that would destroy the personality the daughter built around making him proud

A mother that comforts without slamming doors

One that doesn’t call you overdramatic for every small or large issue

A mother that doesn’t blame her for their own lack of education

In a house

Well decorated

No missing or broken doors

No spiders hidden in the darkness of another unpaid bill

A daughter who knows who she really is

Never fearing she copied and pasted someone else’s personality

A daughter who doesn’t need to glow in the darkness the world surrounded her with

No one tells her she is strong

Because she never had to be

A perfect family

That only exists in a perfect painting