Lex Prospicit Non Respicit

At one point, I felt like I was heading the right direction.

I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through. You didn't deserve any of those.

My happiest days were with you. Thank you for everything.

Your love made me want to live a little longer.

To my family,

I'm sorry for the pain and headache. I could've been a better daughter.

To my 4 closest friends,

I love you all so much.

To my Wafer,

I'm sorry I didn't wanna live longer. I'm just satisfied that you can finally sleep without me by your side. Thank you for all the happy memories.

Switzerland

Japan

I am writing to you this now to let you know how things have changed over the past 5 years. You’re not gonna believe it.

Should we start with the good news?

Remember the first boyfriend you were talking about? You’ve just dated him for 6 months. Well, guess what? You’re still with him today, and his love for you has never changed. The consistency, assurance, love and care he has shown you since the day he confessed his feelings for you--it’s all still the same going 5 years today. Thankfully, he remains to be the greatest gift you’ve ever received since you were born. You always said the past few years that your life may be super shitty and uncertain but you’ve got one person you are super thankful for who makes your life so beautiful.

Wanna hear another good news? You’re able to afford a monthly consultation with a doctor now. You found a doctor who understands you. And oh, by the way, you witnessed firsthand a pandemic, which became the reason why you don’t have to struggle with long queues in the hospital now because medical consultations could now be made online. 

Your medicines have certainly upgraded too. They cost you about Php 12,000 monthly. You’re taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressants drugs now. The first few months were the worst because you couldn’t figure out how to go about your day without feeling dizzy or nauseous after taking your medicine but you eventually found sleeping time as the best time to take them so you would be asleep when the side effects start showing.

From two medicines, after 5 months maybe, the doctor reduced your medicine to only anti-anxiety drugs. You felt good because there were times you would vomit with blood twice within a week everytime you drink your medicine.

Oh, aside from that, you discovered in 2018 that you have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Just right after a guy found you beautiful, you physically looked less. You gained weight and had terrible acne problems. You were advised to restrict your diet. Upon finding out that you are prone to diabetes and hypertension, you laid in bed for 3 straight days because you couldn’t accept your condition. You’ve just graduated college and was expecting to have fun in life to make up for the lost time in your younger years spent in the four corners of your room studying. You couldn’t accept how why of all the people, you got PCOS and depression. Things even got worse when you continuously gained weight. People body-shamed you; and instead of trying to have a healthy lifestyle, you hated yourself for it so you resorted to stress-eating. I am so sorry for not pushing you to recover. I pushed you to just wanna die instead. 

Let’s skip to 2019. You finally went to Disneyland with your family. However, you were not in good terms with your mom. Remember how you always wanted to go to Disneyland when you were a kid? Your mom told you she’d bring you there if you graduate Valedictorian in grade school. However, you still had to graduate Valedictorian again in high school then Cum Laude in college before you were ever even able to go to Disneyland. So yeah, you were in Disneyland, but it didn’t feel like the happiest place on earth at that time. I hope you could go back there again at a time you’re happy.

Before you went to Disneyland, you also came to Palawan with your family. Guess what? Your family hated you for destroying the trip because you accused your dad for cheating on your mom. Everyone told you you were overreacting and paranoid. You felt strong about your instinct but they didn’t believe you.. only to find out 3 years later that your dad was indeed cheating on your mom that time.

Here comes the heartbreaking part now. Remember when you thought that your high school senior crush graduating was gonna be your greatest heartbreak so you chugged a whole 1.5L of Coca-cola on his graduation day? That’s not gonna be your greatest heartbreak. Your greatest heartbreak would be your dad cheating on your mom. 

You decided to go to law school in 2021 because you thought you could do it. Come the prelims exam of your first semester in first year law school (days after your 24th birthday and your dad’s 56th birthday), you found out about your greatest heartbreak. You were doing great in your studies prior to that but your subject Persons, Family, and Relations just reminded you of your dad’s immorality. Those days, you couldn’t even sit continuously to study because everything that ran on your mind was your dad’s cheating and your mom’s pain. You’ve always been disappointed in your dad, but you just lost all your respect for him now; and until today, 9 months later, you’re traumatized by the new facts you learn each day. 

At first, you wanted to avenge your mom by facing the mistresses. You were full of pain and anger. But today, you learned which battles to choose. You held to the belief that the universe had its karma-- whatever goes around comes around. 

Days ago, nagbalak akong magcut classes for the first time just because I wasn’t ready. I’ve been so immature lately and my baby’s acitng like my parents, convincing me to push through.

The last time I posted here, I was exhausted and struggling with school because I’ve been running after my scholarship. Unfortunately, I lost it last sem-- my supposedly last sem to perform in order that I’d be a scholar my whole college life. I lost the fight, but right now, I’m still left with the battle of graduating, and hopefully with honors. 

How many people do you know are feeling anxious right now with their acads, thinking that not graduating or being delayed is the death of them? Well, count me in. All the years I’ve been in school, I thought that not graduating would be the end of my life. And that is why, I guess, I’m struggling to breathe. It’s as if “may taning na ang buhay ko” and that would be days until the examination or thesis submission. What’s sad is it feels like I have to get through those days first before I can say I can. *While typing these, I’m about to cry*

PERSONAL UPDATE ON WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO

So I’ve been officially together with my love for half a year now, and I admire how he can handle me despite my many breakdowns and unreasonable attitude towards him.

Every Saturday night, him and I attend anticipating masses. I’ve never been this patient with Sunday obligations growing up. My family rarely attend Sunday mass too. 

For almost a year now, he’s been meeting me outside of our house to go to school with me. The same happens when going home.

We only attend school three days a week. You know it ain’t a good idea when you’re alone and stuck in the house with no assurance of physically talking to people because you have most of your time to talk to yourself--yourself that is a very self-doubting person (so chances are when you talk to yourself, yourself asks you, “why are you a terrible person?” *LOL*)

Maintaining my “black sheep” image being the middle child, especially when I turned 20, I broke rules more often hehehe.

Began avoiding two vices (just recently), which is good, thanks to my love.

Still as irritable as ever. I’m sorry.

My shallowness a.k.a. kababawan is coming back. I get to laugh about the simplest things now. Most of the time, the reason is so petty and I come off as insulting and immature. It’s still goooooood though

Words come out of my mouth without filter. I mean I’ve been quite rude to people, especially to my boyfriend. I’m lucky that he always understands and forgives me even if I say sorry all the time but do the same offense over and over again. A delinquent? lol

I’m struggling with school agggh. Cramming then being  really slow with getting things right in school

My fear with dogs have been, well, partly cured? My sister got herself sharpei and he’s so so cute.

BEST UPDATE: I feel that I’m becoming real. I mean I feel like I get to live the way that I really am (but only towards my boyfriend). I feel comfortable being myself with him, and this is the best feeling so far. Well, at times, I’d still feel shy but then most of the time I’m just being me and I’m confident that he accepts me just the way that I am (although ofc he wants me to be better--remove my negativity)

BEST BEST UPDATE: My boyfriend is my go-to person. He’s my best friend. I’m standing strong because of him. I would cry for hours then later be all-smiles because he talks to me with wisdom and with peace and OF COURSE WITH LOVE AND CARE (even though I often misinterpret his good intentions, I’m sorry).

Akala ko talaga this post would end negatively pero hindi pala. As you can see, sa latter bullets, I mentioned goooooood and happyyyyy thoughts. They make up for all the unfortunate events.:))