this used to be the oldest bar in texas until they built an older one

Like two years ago I ran into a salamander biologist in the woods who complimented my ability to 'walk quietly in the forest while causing minimal disturbance to the leaf litter.' Still goes to my head.

Sorry I commented "fag alert" on a picture of your newborn baby 🙄

my knight keeps saying fuck it we ball before charging into battles and it's reallynot inspiring confidence in my heart

sources are saying ohhhhhhhhh brother

kitten fever is worse than baby fever because a kitten is way easier to obtain than a baby so it's more dangerous

Forgot to close a parenthesis and now spirits enter me like a waterslide

duuuuuude you have GOT to come out tonight we're enacting cruelty upon those who have transgressed so badly that we can justify any act against them... and you KNOW we're interpreting our delight as moral righteousness... Yeah it's fucking crazyyyyyyy get an Uber

maybe next year instead of amateur fireworks on every block for hours and hours we can try holding up a single beautiful flower

people foolishly dismiss desserts and treats as having no nutritional value when they actually are necessary for refilling your sanity stat. to prove my point please observe the emotional stability of the next person you meet who doesnt let themselves ever eat any form of dessert