lex

Just saw a TikTok that said “cracked so good that now I’m learning to play Magic the Gathering” and my giggle turned into a whimper when I remembered the list of cards in my notes app.

I find myself morphing into you just to feel you near. I drink the coffee, I smoke the cigs, I listen to the albums, I look for cassettes, I smell the flowers. Anything to feel like you are still here.

It is summer in Virginia and I am sweating from carrying a rug up into my apartment. I am standing in my sunlit kitchen eating blue and blackberries and thinking of fruit and whipped cream at pool parties in Texas in the summertime when I was seven or eight. It is summer in Virginia and I am twenty-two. The fruit on my tongue matches the art on my left arm and I am thinking of Change, that ceaseless, shadowy thing. It is summer in Virginia and I think I will sleep with the windows open tonight.

Sitting in bed finally crying feeling as alone as I did on those nights in middle and high school in that ducking house and I sat up bc rolling around gripping the comforter can do nothing for the absolutoferal and controlling feeling that I have and I caught the headlights of someone’s car reflect onto and slide across my ceiling through the break in the my curtains that looked just like when they would pull into the driveway four hours after they said they would be home and it completely put me back into that bed with the soft black comforter a stuffed animal in my lap to replace the human touch I so craved as I wished for someone anyone and cried as silently as anyone can, now bc I have a roommate through this thin wall who was once my parents on one side and my sister in the other and how has nothing changed? Everything has changed and it is all the same how am I ever supposed to get out of this labyrinth

I wasn’t anxious on the way to work this morning. Or at all this morning. I was calm the whole time and I still did everything on time and in almost the same fashion as usual. Maybe I don’t have to be ruled by an incredible amount of unneeded energy.

so frustrating to swing back and forth between wanting to be hardcore and be able to hide my emotions and be mysterious and wanting to feel the freedom of showing my emotions and loving what I love and disliking what I dislike and just be the purest form of me. because in the end we all just want to love and be loved.

broke my own heart again

doing it again guys