let the heart beat

I had realized that I had become a hypocrite, being that I worked in a drug an alcohol rehab, preached sobriety all day, then came home and had a drink or six. I had previously tried to “cut down,” by restricting myself to one or two a day, but I was never really successful. I was tired of being overweight, so I told myself, “I’ll stop drinking because it will help me lose a lot of weight.” That was my way of avoiding the fact that it had become a problem. 


I remember the first day after not having a drink the night before, I felt more alert and didn’t have the sluggish feeling I would usually. I thought to myself, I wonder how long I can keep this up? I just need to lose the weight, then I’m sure I could have a drink or two with no problem. I focused all my energy into going to the gym, which became my new addiction.


I was proud when I had 30 days of sobriety, and I finally realized I was capable of not drinking. It was not easy by any means. I had cravings every day, especially because it was always in my house. My anxiety was through the roof and everything made me irritable. I found myself in situations where I was offered a drink, and then was judged for turning it down. I had become completely obsessed with working out and eating right, just so I could have something else to focus on. I replaced my cold beer with a camelback water bottle that I would constantly be sipping on. I always had to keep my hands busy. I starting using coloring books as a distraction while I watched TV.



Each new day comes with a choice. You could choose to drink if you wanted to. In AA, a popular saying is “just for today.” I had to remind myself this over and over and over. Just for today, I am choosing not to take a drink. Tomorrow, I can make a different choice, but for today I can get through it. My loved ones were supportive, although sometimes attributed to my denial and did not believe I had a “problem.” It was hard to stay focused on my beliefs when others did not see the damage that alcohol had done to me. 


Alcohol numbed me. It took away all my anxiety and allowed me to loosen up in social situations. I focused all my choices on whether alcohol would be there. I’d go to family parties, then leave quickly because I knew there would be alcohol at another. Boring or uncomfortable social situations had to have alcohol there, or it wasn’t worth my time. It took a while for me to realize that it controlled me. Prior to my escalated use, I had suffered severe trauma, after trauma, after trauma, which I never was able to properly work through. Alcohol seemed to make it better, and make me forget.



I sought out therapy, which helped me immensely. I clung tight to my friends that understood why I needed to be sober. I stayed away from situations where temptation may rise, and I focused on helping my fellow alcoholics. I have been blessed to work with professionals that treat alcoholism and addiction every day, and are in recovery themselves. They showed me that sobriety can lead to a life full of success, love, and happiness. They also showed me that relapse is real, but you can pick yourself back up.



As months went by I realized that alcohol had left me in a constant fuzzy state. It took a few months for the fog to clear and I could see that even when i was sober for 24 hours, my brain was not functioning properly and I was never really clear-headed. After about 3 months is when I felt more like the “old me,” the Chelsea that had passion, goals, interests, and beliefs. I started to get to know myself again. I found that all of my heathy coping skills and habits needed to replace drinking in order to stay afloat.

When I stopped drinking, I started to take many other things to extremes. I would go to the gym every day, I started working two jobs, went back to school, and all of these things started to just be fillers in place of alcohol. I had overwhelmed myself to stay busy rather than focusing on healing. I had to take a step back and remember that life is meant to be balanced, and everything should be in moderation. Except for in my case, alcohol was never in moderation. That had to be cut out completely. Recovery is of the mind, body, and soul. I decided I needed to see my psychiatrist.

Many people see medication as “substituting one addiction for another.” That may be true if the medication you take is a controlled substance or not taken as prescribed, but really medicine is a tool in helping balance the brain. Alcohol had robbed my brain of its normal functioning, and medication just helped replace the missing links. This allowed me to feel “normal” again and aided in my continued sobriety. 


One of the most important things I learned throughout this past year, is about friendship. I have seen people, whom I thought were true friends, judge me for choosing to better myself. I have seen the eye-roll when I say I’m not drinking, or when I just would like a Sprite. I have heard “what, is this like forever?” and watched them walk away when I say “I’m afraid of what will happen if I go back.” Those moments made me feel alone in a room full of people, and in a vulnerable state with alcohol all around me. I could have poured myself a cup, but instead I reached out to my love, who assured me I was strong and that I was not alone. I have rekindled old friendships with people who I cut out before because they didn’t drink. I have learned who my true friends are. They are the ones who don’t give a shit if I drink or not, they just want me to be happy and healthy. I absolutely could not have made it as far as I have without those people. They have lifted me up when I felt weak, and they have helped me realize that true friendship does not judge, It does not hold grudges, and it is supportive in the good times, and the bad.

Often times I remain a fly on the wall when social media blows up with opinions and politics. Occasionally I will chime in with a short and respectful comment, but I try not to preach or devalue someone’s beliefs. I know many people believe that you shouldn’t discuss politics or religion, because it can easily become personal and leave a sour taste. However, I believe if you feel a fiery burn within yourself to speak out about something, you must. It may make you feel vulnerable and like an open target, but it may just prompt someone to think and question their own beliefs.

Earlier today I read a Facebook post from an old friend I grew up with. She made an interesting point in that gay marriage has overshadowed other pressing issues, and that she believed the focus going forward should be on families. She is LDS, a respectable woman, and I don’t aim to degrade her. In fact, I appreciate her courage to state her opinion so that others, like myself, can think of these issues from a different perspective. I can respect her beliefs even though I do not agree with them.

An interesting comment was made that we should focus on the Family Proclamation. This is a documented guideline set by the twelve apostles of the LDS church. I remember seeing this document in my childhood, and I was raised with these same values. As I read through it now, I see that the church is very clear on what the picture-perfect family should be, but I am too wise to believe that this black and white statement is what is best for everyone. Think of it as a one-size-fits-all T-shirt; in theory it sounds perfect because it can fit all different body types. However, we should realize that eventually there will be someone that doesn’t fit. They can squeeze into the shirt, but the seams will start to rip and their breath will be labored. Some may continue to wear the shirt to feel accepted by peers, or they believe someday the shirt will fit better. Some may just accept that it doesn’t fit, it isn’t comfortable, and they would rather wear something their size than suffer every day to please others. The idea that marriage and family should only between a man and a woman may be the cultural norm, but not everyone fits. I can see that it might be easier for someone who is within the accepted group to feel that this whole “gay marriage issue” is sounding like a broken record, but perhaps you could imagine yourself as an outsider for once.

I am passionate about this issue because I have seen both sides of the spectrum. I was born into an LDS family with a father and mother that taught me to be righteous and loving. When I was twelve, the true image of my “perfect” family was brought to light when my parents separated. My mother then had a relationship with another woman. That woman became my family and took me in as her own. She took her Equality and rainbow stickers off of her car because I was too embarrassed that my friends would see. She listened to me cry when I was hurt, taught me to always keep my word, and showed unconditional love for me. I was teased in middle school for having “two moms,” and people in my church ward kept their distance. My mother, who was adopted and sealed to her parents, baptized, and married in the temple was shunned from the LDS community. She was asked to not wear her garments and cautioned to stay out of all church activities besides the sacrament meeting, which she was not allowed to partake of water or bread in. My entire life I had been taught to “love one another,” and suddenly that love was conditional. My mother was a sinner in their eyes, and unworthy of their love and acceptance. As a consequence, that same treatment was passed on to her children. I was now an outsider, and only then did I begin to seek out my own beliefs and spirituality.

I decided then that I did not want to be associated with a church that could so quickly turn away when support was most needed. In my mind, God loves everyone, and would not be so quick to judge the content of someone’s character based on who they love. When judgement day comes, He will be the only one to answer to, not a Bishopric, a Prophet, or any other man. His love is unconditional.

To this day my mother is still active in the church. Her faith in God was never shaken, but her faith in humanity was. The fact of life is that it doesn’t always go according to plan, and the only thing that is ever constant is change. It is through my experiences that I see gender does not matter in love. Same-sex marriage is not setting up a family to fail or children to suffer. It does not necessarily breed homosexual children or foster promiscuity. Loving someone of the same gender does not mean you are forever damned or destined to a miserable life. Children thrive when they have a support system around them that loves, teaches, nurtures, and accepts them. Society shows them what Girls should wear, enjoy, and act like and how Boys should differ. Our society has supported a certain idea of what a family should look like, and anything beyond that must be inferior. Millions of women and men are single parents and are forced to take on both roles due to divorce, death, or love, but this does not mean a child will be neglected. Orphaned children latch on to an adult they can trust, and if it they are a healthy role model, that child will live a successful life. The recipe for happiness, success, and core values do not rely on the gender of your parents but by the lessons taught and commitment to care for you in all ways.

The Family proclamation says, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities… In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” A man who loves a man, a woman who loves a woman, or a man who loves a woman are all equally capable of possessing these qualities. I am against “gay marriage” because I am a believer in equality. I support marriage of any human that loves another human. This “gay marriage issue” might not be your problem, but it is a basic right that people have been fighting to have for years. Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that the previous discrimination was unconstitutional, perhaps the Church will become more accepting as it is “the law of the land.”