Dear Haikal, @letterstohaikal - Tumblr Blog

"Do you think some old feelings would have arised if you both had eye contact together that night?"

"I don't know."

I think upon hearing such an answer from your partner would justify my actions and feelings at the moment. The sadness. Guilt. I don't think I had no right to feel this way. Esp not after how you've "assured" me that there was nothing else. And you're trying to invalidate my feelings by getting angry that I was "probing" again. Saying how you dont like it when i talk or ask about your past. Your answer just reconfirmed my worst fear which is you're not over her. Not fully at least. To top it off, the answer rolled off your tongue in a split second. People always say, take the first answer as the most honest answer. Well, maybe that was your honest truth. That you dk if you would have any feelings left for her if you guys had seen each other together that night. My heart hurts but I'm gonna be okay. I was never your dream girl and i'm starting to accept that. I'm sorry that I have not been the best wife to you. In Sha Allah i will strive to do better in my duties. Besides, nothing is permanent. Not even a relationship, whether legally bounded or not. May Allah continue to protect and guide us to be better servants and partners to each other. Amin. I will always pray the best for our relationship, if Allah wills, till Jannah. But if fate proves to be different for us in the end, Fi Amanillah.

P.S: Allah knows best. Maybe this is one of His signs(:

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As much as I feel that I should respect your hobhy which I do, it really feels abit too much for me to handle. During the day, I work. At night when i come home, I atleast would expect us to soend some time together.. and no, watching tv with my folks dont count. Yes, I fall asleep while watching tv. But thats cause i ger so tired. You may ask why I never told you how I felt. I have. But you said that you aanted to watch tv and just chill. I guess that's much better than having to entertain your wife right..? Anyth is better than having to listen to your wife or soending time with her.. I just wish you saw how nuch disappontment I feel... before it's too late. Maybe it was a mistake to have gotten married.. I should have left you single and free to be with your hobby..

Dear you,

We argued again yesterday. No, wait. Arguments take both sides to reply, and in this case, I didn't. I just switched off. I switched off because I dont know what to do with the information that you just gave to me. It's been years since we dated and yet this is the first time I ever heard of her. The one who got away. All along, I thought there were only 2 women who meant alot to you before you met me. And suddenly, her. The one you claimed you made a pact with, that you both will date each other if in 10 years, both of you aren't married yet. The one who was there for you throughout your love life. The one who seemed to give you comfort. The one who you developed feelings for and vice versa but was forced to back away because her partner fought for her.

How do I deal with the knowledge that there was someone whom you considered as the one who got away? I'm a sucker for coincidences and stuff like that. I can't help but wonder, what if, just what if, she is the one you were meant for? Yes, she is married with kids. But since when has that ever stopped His plans? The way you spoke about her, your texting tone, I can almost feel your fondness for her or the memories you both seem to hold. And that was what made me switch off. My thoughts overwhelmed me and got the better of me. Men always seem to think, it's the past. Let it go. I would and I want to. But I'm someone who saw for herself how things have a very funny way of working out. Like how the past can creep up and affect your present. How lost lovers finally found each other after failed marriages or relationships. If you saw the things I have, maybe you would feel or understand why I'm like this.. She's beautiful. I can understand why you fell for her. She seems like that kind of girl your family would completely adore or bond with. Esp with your sister. Can't help but ask myself, what would have happened if you fought for her? Would you have been happier? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I would tell you all these. But you would never understand. You always seem to think that its just my hormones. But hopefully by writing it here, one day you might understand fully. You see, I would hate to be in that situation where my partner suffers a mid life crisis halfway through his life and wonder about his own marriage. I would hate to be the person who is the reason why someone can't be with who they are meant to be with. And so, I started praying harder. That if we are not meant to be together, I ask Him to remove all this affection and love for each other before it's too late. It seems selfish because I would hate to be the loser. But am I really losing if we both ended up happier with other people? I'm not praying that we don't end up together. I'm honestly praying that we are and if we don't, let it not be too late. And so, if we really aren't, I hope we each find our person. Our peace.

Love, Sam.

#sxh

Dear you,

So your 30th birthday surprise was a success. I could finally breathe easy after being so anxious about planning the whole thing. What made it all worth it was your priceless reaction as you realised it was all for you. I'm so glad your friends could make it and made it an even memorable day for you. I will always try to make you the happiest from the best of my capabilities. You mean that much to me. I love you

Xoxo,

Buns

Dear you,

I was visibly upset with you last night and yet you couldn’t even tell.. I wanted to have a quick chat before I went to bed but your eyes kept being diverted to the screen. That got me so annoyed with you. How hard was it to just pause for a little while and talk to me? I would have ended the call feeling happy and you could game all the way until the bloody sun rises. But...nope. I knew sharing with you the Switch would make you less attentive to me but i did it anyways. Because i knew how badly you wanted it. Im not saying that im not a priority to you but im also not saying that if i were to compare myself with your hobby, the latter would come out top. Tbh, I never had an issue with your hobby. But you never seem to know or realise that once you sit in front of the damn screen, everything else seems to shut off. Including me. On your off days and pre night shifts, you game. Im okay. But at times i miss our late night calls before we go to sleep. I guess things really do change once you become used to having someone as your partner huh? I am so tired of repeating this shit to you so I just don’t tell you about it anymore. It’s bound to repeat anyways. But I hope it never has to come to a point where will make you choose between me and a game console. Because if it does, I will surely prioritize myself. Sigh imagine if we are already married and you continue this bad habit during your gaming streaks.... I wonder if we should even marry at all.....

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Sometimes I wonder if you're ever proud of me. Of being with me.. Because everytime I imagine that you don't, my heart breaks.

Dear you,

We went on a date today! Idk why I feel like we haven't had those for a while. You reserved a really great place for dinner tho pricey, but I enjoyed it all the same. Thank you for putting in effort to make me happy and satisfied. I know sometimes I don't show you enough but I am always grateful to you. I love you so much. Thank you♥️

Dear you,

I wish you realised how close you are to losing me for good..

Dear you,

Today marks one year since you asked me to be your girlfriend. I still rmb how excited I was when you finally asked me the question officially. It took me by surprise and filled me with so much butterflies. It has been pretty rough for us the past few weeks. Idk what has been going on but it was really hard. Thank you for preservering with me and always fighting to keep us together. I'm glad we didn't drift apart until we got the timeout. Our relationship was really strained. And i realise that maybe its cause we rarely meet. The reason why our relationship didn't had this much of a strain in the past was because we made time atleast once or twice a week for each other. Even if we didn't meet, it would be compensated with long calls which we don't do anymore. I understand that it has been because of school and your training. But i hope we can try to improve on that more and meet atleast once a week. Im sorry for being snappy with you at the slightest things. It was inexcusable behaviour but you stayed patient. Thank you for that. We did it baby. We made to a year and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. I know that sometimes I say that we might not end up together but I really do hope we do. I know He is the best of planners and may He always keep us together and our relationship safe. Aminn. I love you baby. Happy anniversary♥️

Dear you,

We had our long awaited "us" time about two days ago. I decided to surprise you with a movie that you've been wanting to watch even though it wasn't my favourite Pixar film franchise. But I really wanted to do something special for you so I was really pleased at how excited and surprised you got upon knowing my plan. Thank you for never being picky or critical of my choices. Thank you for always appreciating me and my efforts no matter how small. You are incredible and I always hope that whatever I give is enough for you. You're the absolute best. I love you♥️✨🙌🏻

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Dear you,

A few weeks ago our families finally met and sat down together to eat and bond. It was the first time your family came over and it was pretty nerve wrecking. I rmb mopping the floors twice right before they came😂 I was happy to see how well they were able to talk that they stayed past the expected time we had before they left. I'm glad they enjoyed the food mama cooked and that it all went well Alhamdulillah. So now, all we gotta do is wait for the next meeting which would be to discuss our *coughs* marriage preparations. In Sha Allah it will all be okay and we can compromise. I can't wait for the next chapter with you my love. You're all I ever need and want in a partner. Thank you for being you. May Allah guide us to be the best partners for each other in this dunya and akhirat. Aminnnnnn💕

#SxH

Dear you,

We finally had our date night after what seemed like ages. You surprised me with the rose bear and I was so gleeful. But moreover, I was just super excited to get to see you and spend time with you. We went to Esplanade for dinner where you surprised me with a reservation at Noosh Bar. Unfortunately, the food wasn’t as great as I had hoped it would be. But at least we tried it! Then we headed to Fort Canning cause you remembered that I wanted to go and see the lights display. Tbh, I myself forgot I even wanted to go😂 We got a perfect spot on the bench and we just sat in silence listening to the piano being played in the distance. It felt so perfect. I was so happy to be in your arms and just talking all the way till it was time to head back. You dropped me home despite my attempts(failed) to steal more time with you. I realise how clingy I am with you and I’m sorry😔 I never meant to bother you although I know you never will be.. Sigh. But it’s okay. You reassured me saying that one day, we won’t have to leave each other anymore cause we’ll be waking up next to the other every single day. In Sha Allah. Aminnnnnn. May Allah smoothen the path for us and may He always protect our love and each other as well as our families. Aminnn. Thank you again for the wonderful evening. I love you so much, my heartbeat💕🌹

Dear you,

You’re fast asleep right now cause you have work in the morning though you were supposed to be asleep hours ago. It’s cute how hard it is for you to fall asleep at home whereas with me in your arms, you are in La La land within a matter of minutes. I guess you really don’t like sleeping without me. I love how safe you make me feel in your arms. I feel so protected and it’s the most comfortable place to be. Each time you stroke my hair, I can’t help but doze off abit. It feels so good to be caressed with so much love. I can’t wait for the day I get to wake up next to you and be the first thing you see in the morning. Hehe. Imagine the endless cuddles and goodnight/goodmorning kisses we will have. I have no doubt that our romance won’t die as long as we both make the effort to keep it going. I love you so much baby. Sleep well🌙🌟❤️

Dear you,

Yesterday was the first of our jogging dates. I hated jogging so you can tell how much i love you just by going for this. I was surprised how amused you were at my whole dramatic complaining whilst running out of breath beside you. Most guys would be impatient or would just go on ahead without me. But you insisted on waiting and doing it with me. You also encouraged me to keep pushing myself and told me you were so proud of me despite not jogging for years. I realised that i would rather do this with you than anyone else. So i decided that even if i hated it, i would still go for a run with you. Or at least, i would try my absolute best to do so. Hehe. All in all, it was still a fun date. I love you. Here’s to losing weight together🌹💯💪🏻

Dear you,

Today was a super fun day. We went to the wedding expo and explored our options. It was nice to walk through the booths and discussing which ones to pick. To my surprise, we decided pretty quickly on our bridal and wedding planner choice. I’m so glad that you were easygoing with most of the stuff which you have trusted me with. I can’t wait to properly start our wedding planning with you as well as getting to be your lawful wedded wife. You’re such an amazing boyfriend and an amazing person. I can’t wait to share a life with you. I love you so much🌹

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Dear you,

28 years ago, Allah blessed mama with a good and filial son. Today also marks one of the many birthdays you’ll celebrate with me in years to come. I’ve been so excited to experience this memory with you. I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to get you a gift but I promise there is definitely one coming. Please be patient okay? I know you’ve dreaded growinh old but hey, it is what it is. You’ve grown to be one of your best versions and you will always grow if you allow yourself to. You’ve come so far from your mistakes all that which led you to be where you deserve; with me. We may have known each other for a short while but it has been a sweet one.

You’ve been one of the bestest boyfriend ive ever had and I truly do feel blessed to have met you. You’re so special to me and I don’t ever wanna lose that. Thank you for being patient and thank you for just being you. Be it annoying or not, I love you still. And so, I pray that He blesses you with baraqah. May He continue to protect you and always guide you to be a better person. Aminnn. Happy birthday once again my old man, my one true love🥰🥰🌹🎉🎉🎈🎈

#cantwaittoseeyoulater

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Dear Haikal,