letters

I always knew

I was going to die in this spot

Standing over your smirking face

The only thing I didn’t know

Was how

Your hands would hold out the dagger

You would lean back and smile

And wait

And wait

Until I got tired

Of your smiling face

And as the dagger reached my heart

That fateful night

You would smirk

Oh, you thought I was stupid enough to fall in love with you?

Well you were right.

I fell harder than an angel falls on the rock solid earth.

Your smile shattered my entire being and your face makes me feel like my stomach is exploding with confetti.

There are a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t feel this way. There are many reasons why you wouldn’t even turn to look in my direction. There are so many reasons why I am trying to forget you.

Still, I can’t help but see you in every person that slightly resembles you. I can’t help but wanting to pursue you. I can’t help but wanting to hold you close and comfort you whenever you’re feeling down.

I am very stupid for this, but you are the one person I would do anything for. Except speak to you, of course.

But who cares? I was born stupid for a reason.

Have you heard of that yearning for something makes you happier than when you actually have it?

I don’t want that to be you. I’ll keep yearning for you so that I never get disappointed by what I may find when I get closer.

I will sit back and imagine everything about you rather than have my feelings be shattered.

I don’t remember the day I met you. Nor do I remember the day your face became the most beautiful thing in this world to me.

Although I never got to ask you, I still wonder if you would’ve accepted my feelings for you.

To this day I remember the way you made me smile when you made a joke, the way you’d giggle when someone did something completely stupid. I remember everything about you.

In some ways, I hope you remember me. In others, I don’t. Like the way I embarrassed myself the first time we talked in Spanish class.

Although I wish I had the courage to say something, the door that traps me seems to not be budging and I’m tired of trying. I’m scared of what I’ll find on the other side. I’m scared of who I’ll lose at the other side. I’m scared of who I’ll be on the other side.

I’m not sure how you feel about the other side, and I’ll make sure to never ask you so you don’t ever feel uncomfortable.

I have to accept this as goodbye, I never want to write to you again. I want to leave you a thing of the past and move on, with the door you took a peek through remaining closed.

I’ll have to learn how to live like this eventually.

I hope you find someone who loves you very much. Someone who is willing to break down every barrier, every wall, every stereotype. Someone who has the guts to do everything that makes you happy.

That is the type of person you deserve. At the same time, it is not the type of person I am.