let's try to avoid drowning

it is april. the year 2020. instead of having flying cars and super sonic trains, we have a pandemic that unleashed itself last december from wuhan, china.

i came back from mexico about a week and a half ago and straight into a 14 day quarantine. i am grateful to be alive but also really fucken bored.

i miss making work. i miss my jogs. i miss my hikes. i miss my solo time.

the hand soap in my ma’s restroom and the hand lotion my sister gave me smell too much like mall perfume and give me a baby headache every time i use them.

i feel confident in writing what i think because it’s a good probability that no one is reading this but it serves as therapy. i am all for therapy. people should talk more and let things out. 

i deal with antisocial issues every day of my life. i always have. actually, it started in high school. i was pretty good up until jr high. i never liked it but public speaking never hindered my daily routines in those days.

as i got older, any presentation requirement in classes was reason enough to drop it or not even enroll in it to begin with. it did a great job of pushing me away.

i actually cried during my first oral presentation at community college. i felt terrified. and vulnerable. two feelings that make us react quite intensely. 

even now, as a full grown ass woman i still feel a little nag at the back of my mind when i do presentations. it is something i struggle with everyday. i am good at losing friends and extremely talented at avoiding social events.

i run away when i feel like being by myself, shutting people out as i go. i know they get offended but my need for solitude overrides their feelings. which is shouldn’t!! but sometimes it does.

i try daily to get better at it. i know not all people are bad and i do enjoy the company every once in a while. but what i say is this: never forget what you love to do and never forget to fucking do it. nobody has the right to hinder your existence. fuck them for doing it but also fuck you for letting them get away with it. 

remember why you're here. we are here to live. to enjoy it and to learn. love what you do, be honest and respectful, enjoy your family time and make new fucken friends! friends are like leaves on a tree...they come in a variety of colors, they flutter and fly away, some take longer to leave, some leave almost instantly, and some assholes are evergreens and are there for life.

...when i was in undergrad, people always urged me to join the MEChA (Movimiento Estudiantil Chicana/o de Aztlan) club at my school and i remember thinking to myself...”why would i want to join an organization that will constantly be reminding me that who i am and what i do is not Mexican enough? i never joined.

we should have organizations that positively unite us and not continue to segregate us. it’s hard to ignore the thread of racism that wove this country together but with each generation that passes, we have the ability to slowly start cutting that thread and rise from it.

here are some random things we should be aware of before we begin:

i was born in the early 1980s, i recently graduated with my MFA in studio art, i enjoy sculpture, i’m a middle child, i’m of Mexican descent, i was born and raised catholic, i detest reading never-ending long paragraphs, i enjoy being productive, i enjoy running, i am from southern California, and i need a job.

i’ve always enjoyed writing but i’ve been told i’m no good at it. for that very reason i decided to start this up. i could've been a better instructor to my first batch of art kids when i was in grad school and i regret that. also, i tend to gather all my regrets, put them in a pile, and set them on fire.

we should never let ourselves feel that we don't deserve what we want. no one in this world has the right to judge us for who we are or where we come from. i’ve heard quotes here and there that tell people not too worry about their past because only the future matters. i don’t believe that.

we all come from somewhere. we all have history. without that history and awareness we wouldn’t have the experience or judgment to make better decisions for ourselves. also, i hate that word “decisions.” i had a hard time pronouncing it in elementary school. like the word “scissors” too. 

in this blog i will review art shows (when i get a chance to attend some) and talk about everyday experiences. i will mostly likely rant and complain about the art world and american society. you have been warned.