Let's Read Together with Kevin Froleiks

Tonight at midnight is Carmine After Dark!

Here something from an older show:

Written by Kevin Feoleiks Twitter is @KevinFroleiks Website is kfcomedy.com

The blue light faded away and once again Dr. Samuel Beckett was in a new, unfamiliar place and time. He was used to the blue light and the sudden transportation to a new decade, but leaping into a new person? He still wasn’t used to that.

Sam looked around. Bunk beds, beer cans, and textbooks adorned the small room he was standing in. He figured out quickly that he had leaped into the body of a college student.

Turning, Sam noticed a mirror screwed into the door. Screwed in hard, by the looks of it. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Normally Sam looked like an attractive man in his late 30’s. Some said he looked like the actor, Scott Bakula but Sam didn’t see it. At this moment, however, when Sam gazed into the mirror, he saw nothing more than an attractive young college girl, with flowing blonde hair, full lips, and legs that went all the way up to her rockin tits.

“Oh boy…” said Sam.

A futuristic whirring noise was heard as Al stepped through the portal, just as he has every day for the last 5 seasons. He was wearing a jacket that looked to be made of aluminum and smoking a cigar that was hot and long and on fire.

“Sam!” Yelled Al excitedly, “You’re not gonna believe who’s sitting in the waiting room! Do you know who you leaped into???”

“I think I’m the homecoming queen…” Said Sam sheepishly.

“Sam, you’re Ashley Donnelson! The girl I lost my virginity to in college!”

Before anyone could process this news, the door was opened and a 19 year old Al entered the dorm room.

Sam became nervous. What was he doing here? How does he leap? Also, how come Al never told him that he was such a hunk in his younger days. Sam shook his head to get the thought out of his mind. But the fact remained: Barely Legal Al was a hot piece of man meat. He looked like a younger version of the actor Dean Stockwell, and from what Sam could see poking through Al’s jeans, his dean was certainly stocked well.

“Hey babe,” said young Al, “the coast is clear. I just saw your roommate head home for the weekend.”

“Al, what am I doing here,” Sam asked in a panic.

“You’re about to take a ride on the Al train, baby.” Young Al replied. Sam was talking to the adult Al, however.

By the way, it’s important to note that only Sam can see the Adult Al in his portal because he appears only as a hologram in the various time periods that Sam leaps to. Also, animals and babies can see Al because the show runner needed a way to explain why babies and animals would react any time Al entered the room. This was the best the writers could come up with. Yeah I know, it’s pretty lazy.

Anyways, the Adult Al consulted his handheld computer to check with Ziggy. Ziggy was the super computer that Al and Sam both helped design to make time travel possible within one’s own lifetime. Are you confused? They explain it all in the theme song, so I won’t waste too much time getting into the details of Quantum Leap.

“Uh, Sam,” Started Al, “Ziggy says there’s an 85% chance that you need to help me lose my virginity in order to leap.”

“But I thought you said you lost your virginity to her already?”

Before Al could respond, his younger self beat him to it.

“I know what I said before but…well…I lied. Ashley, I’m actually a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else.”

Adult Al shuddered, remembering the lie he had told in his younger days. That he had been a stud with the ladies, when he knew this wasn’t true. Al was a terrible liar, that’s probably what led him being 4 times divorced.

“Sam, you gotta do this. I really messed things up with her the first time. I talked a big game but I’d never slept with anyone before and she made fun of me for being so bad at sex.”

“What are you saying, Al?”

“Ziggy says there’s a 90% chance that you need to have an orgasm in order to leap. A raucous, earth shattering, paralyzingly awesome orgasm.”

“Ziggy the computer said that?”

“Yup.”

Young Al continued, “Anyways, I’m sure you hate me. I shouldn’t have lied about it. I was just worried you would laugh at me if you knew.”

Adult Al stared at Sam and motioned for him to get started, you know for the sake of leaping home or whatever. Sam opened his mouth to protest, but then realized that he was wet. He turned back to the young Al.

“I won’t laugh, Al. But you better get that huge dong over here before I get anymore impatient.”

Young Al’s pants were off before Sam could finish the sentence.

Adult Al cocked one eyebrow in shock.

“Too much?” Sam whispered.

“Just the right amount,” said Adult Al, taking a drag off of his cigar.

“Sorry, I know it’s probably too much.” Said Young Al. “I was always nervous about sex because my cock is so huge.”

Sam looked down and saw what looked like fire hydrant made of beef between young Al’s legs.

“Nice, cock.” Sam drooled.

“Thanks,” both Al’s said in unison.

“Mind if I have a taste?”

Sam grabbed young Al by the hips and took his large dong-a-long into his young, college aged mouth which I’d like to remind everyone was at least over 18 years old so don’t get weird about it.

Sam managed to fit the whole thing in his mouth and began to go to work. Lips, tongue, uvula. Yeah, he used them all.

Sam had never given a blowjob before, but he was good. Almost too good. Young Al moaned in pleasure.

“Uh, Sam. You’d better slow down. Ziggy says there’s a 100% chance that I’m about to blow my load!”

“I know what I’m doing,” said Sam as he came up for air. He suckled the head of Al’s dick while working the shaft with just the right amount of pressure. Being a man Sam knew that there was such a thing as too much pressure.

Adult Al looked on in horror, “No Sam, don’t! You need to come, not me!”

Young Al’s body began to quake, as a hot batch of Cream of Dean Stockwell soup shot down Sam’s throat.

Sam swallowed and then caught his breath. Young Al’s dick slowly deflated and he collapsed onto the floor.

“Wow, Ashley. That was incredible.” Young Al panted.

“Shut the fuck up,” Said Sam,”And get hard. Now.”

“Jesus, Sam.” Said Adult Al, “Where did that come from?”

“I want you to shove that thing inside me until I travel through time and space, you got that? You came once already so you should last a long while now.”

Sam was crazed. His college vag was dripping lady juices down his gorgeous legs. I know there’s probably a scientific term for “lady juices” but Dr. Sam Beckett wasn’t that kind of scientist.

Sam ripped off his tight, tank top with the college logo on it. He unclasped his bra and felt his two giant tits dump out. His nipples were hard and pointy, like two arrows pointing directly towards Fuckville USA.

Sam removed his shorts and panties, but honestly if he had waited another minute they probably would have dissolved off of him due to the lady juices oozing out of his feminine crater. Again, Dr. Sam Beckett was not a vagina scientist.

Adult Al smoked his cigar and tried to remember that this wasn’t Ashley, it was his friend Dr. Samuel Beckett. But if he was being honest with himself he had often thought about being with Sam. When Al was in the Navy he had started a sexual relationship with another sailor, but that story doesn’t involve time travel so who gives a shit.

Young Al was furiously playing with his cock, trying to get hard, but it was no use. The cum that came was all that was to come.

Sam leaned in close. “I want you to fuck me like you’re trying to fuck Scott Bakula out of me, you understand?” Sam slapped young Al across the face and then pressed his teenage, but again still totally legal, lips against his.

Al’s cock shot up like a soldier hearing revelry in the morning.

Adult Al nodded, “Yeah, that makes sense.” He always had a thing for an aggressive woman.

Sam climbed on top of young Al and guided his cock deep into the folds of his girl hole. It felt good. Real good.

“That’s good, Sam, real good,” said Adult Al, “now just get yourself to orgasm and you can leap!”

Sam started riding. He rode like Paul Revere announcing more than just the British that were cumming.

“Holy shit, Al, your cock feels amazing!” Sam moaned.

He bent down to kiss the young Al and then bit his lip until he drew blood.

“Ow!” said young Al.

“Shut up and fuck my brains out.” said Sam.

Young Al stood up and bent Sam over the bed. He inserted himself deep inside of Dr. Samuel Beckett, then started pounding him hard from behind him like Paul Revere announcing more than just the British that were cumming. “Holy shit,” squealed Sam,” I feel like my brain is made of swiss cheese.”

“That’s probably because my dick is so big it’s poking holes in your head.” said both Young and Adult Al in unison.

“Nice, great minds think alike.” adult Al added.

Sam could feel his chick bits tightening in pleasure. Was he about to have his first female orgasm?

“Al, I think I’m gonna…yes, that’s it. I’m leaping Al, I’m leaping! Oh boy! Oh boy!”

Young Al was confused. Did she mean she was cumming? Being a teenage boy losing his virginity, however, he didn’t let the confusion he felt get in the way of fucking Ashley Donnelson who I’d like to remind you was actually a middle aged male scientist.

“That’s good Sam! Just relax and let it happen!” said the Adult Al. His cigar had burned down to his fingers but he didn’t notice because he was so turned on watching his younger self fuck the living shit out of his friend, Dr. Samuel Beckett.

Sam was about to cum, but he wasn’t sure what to scream as he had his first female orgasm, so he yelled the first thing that came to his mind as he was cumming hard all over young Al’s no longer virgin boner pole.

“Oh shit, oh shit,” Sam screamed,” JONATHAN ARCHER IS THE BEST STAR TREK CAPTAIN!”

Young Al came inside of Sam as he experienced the bliss of orgasm.

“Ziggy says there’s a million percent chance that I’m as hard as a rock right now,” said the Adult Al.

The blue light engulfed Sam as he began to leap. In a flash, Sam was gone. The blue light faded away. Sam was unsure of where or who he was. He reached a hand into his pants and breathed a sigh of relief. He had a nice, big, juicy cock. “Phew, well at least I’m a man this time.” said Dr. Sam Beckett. He looked around and tried to figure out where and when he was.

Comic books, acne, and undiagnosed autism adorned the room. A dim light illuminated a small gathering of people, all facing the back of the room where a chubby man-child stood behind a microphone.

“Please welcome, one of my best friends! The Professor of Comedy! Kevin Froleiks!”

Everyone began patting Sam on the back and chanting Kevin’s name. He realized at once that he was the great comedian being called upon to perform.

“Oh boy.” said Sam, “Looks like I’m gonna have to fuck my way out of another jam.”

The portal opened and Al stepped out. He was nervous yet relaxed, like someone who just finished jerking off in the portal chamber after watching his younger self lose his virginity to a scientist. Probably because that’s exactly what he just did.

“Sam, you’re not gonna believe this. Ziggy says you need to fuck the shit out of this Pat Reilly guy in order to leap!”

“I know, Al. I know.”

Sam pulled Pat Reilly close to him. He removed his shirt revealing tufts of chest hair. He spit into his hands and lubricated his gigantic dick before penetrating Patrick J. Reilly.

“Easy there, easy now.” said Dr. Sam Beckett.

“Yes! Finally! I’ve been waiting for this for years!” said an overexcited Patrick J. Reilly.

Al stood back to let the man work. He lit a new cigar and watched. He always liked to watch.

“Oh boy,” said Al.

This comic came about because I‘d read several commentaries comparing Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin, specifically in regards to how they treat their daughters.

Almost everyone I know who takes the time to think critically about The Simpsons or Family Guy hones in on the fact that Peter physically and emotionally abuses Meg, whereas Homer is incompetent, neglectful, and absolutely does not understand Lisa – but he loves her and he tries.

In the commentary about how Peter and Homer treat their daughters, I didn’t really see anyone bring up the physical/emotional abuse of their sons.

To lay it out there – I loathe Family Guy. Fucking hate it.

I grew up watching The Simpsons and can have entire conversations purely through quoting the show. But as much as I love The Simpsons, I think the overall cultural attitude to corporal punishment (physical abuse) has changed enough that it’s time to retire the running “joke” of Homer choking Bart. It may have been a culturally acceptable joke ten years ago, but more and more research is showing seriously negative outcomes for kids that have experienced any form of physical punishment. We need to stop normalizing it.

As for King of the Hill, Hank and Peggy are hardly perfect parents and both have a tendency towards stifling Bobby’s more flamboyant and/or “feminine” behavior. But they both love Bobby; they have both, at different times during the show, been able to connect to Bobby through his various interests. While not perfect, they are a much healthier depiction of a family.