I did not come this far to only come this far.

It is okay to still be struggling (as someone else who is not where they want to be), it is okay.

I hope you come back and can find support here. You deserve more.

<3

I am sorry to hear that you are also struggling anon, life can throw some real curveballs at times, many of which are not in our/anyone's control. As hard as it can be, we have to try to be kind to ourselves and remember that we did what we could at the time with what we had and that is "enough". It is hard to find the balance of being kind to ourselves but not the illness, really hard. I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect balance, but instead it is a learning curve that we are all on and which will look different for each of us. It doesnt make it any easier but please know that you are not alone in this.

Thank you so much anon, honestly, it means so much. I am sorry that I am so hit and miss with coming online. My anxiety has been been spiking a lot recently for numerous reasons and one way it can manifest is that I find myself posting/replying to messages (even to friends) and then bury my head in the sand for a few days, too scared to look back at said space. Overthinking is rather prevalent at the moment. I have a backlog of messages in my inbox on here however I don't know how to navigate that/where to start/if I should look at them...I also want to do a little update so I feel a bit more at ease coming back online/drawing a line, however at the same time I dont know what to update or post/what I last said...which then leads me to overthinking and worrying and so my head goes back in the sand again.

I keep thinking about coming back to posting online but every time I finally manage to fight the anxiety and make it back to this page, I draw up blank and end up leaving again...I suppose part of me is incredibly ashamed and embarrassed (about everything that my 'life' is/has been/become) whilst also being utterly exhausted and tired of hearing and saying the same things over and over again. I hate it.

Hello (if there is anyone there)

It's been a long time since I last logged onto my account and I can only apologise for not replying to any of the messages and for disappearing again, I promise it was nothing 'personal'.

Im not sure how I feel about this space, however over the past few weeks there has been a little part of me thinking about coming back to my blog...Im not entirely sure why but I think part of me has been craving a bit of "community" and connection (if that's the right way to put it) as well as needing to keep myself accountable.

As a mini update: I've not long since finished a v intense online day patient programme that I was able to access for around 18weeks - it was A LOT - a lot a lot. And it has taken me a few weeks to simply being to "catch-up" with myself both mentally and physically as I was utterly exhausted from the schedule. I've been slowly beginning to process some of what came up in therapy/group/spaces but I've been finding it hard to allow myself space for that connection/to accept my reality and the need for change. Things aren't brilliant but they aren't 'terrible/rock bottom' - they just sort of "are" (which brings up so much in itself). Im feeling somewhat (very) frustrated with this endless stuckness and tired and....numb. Don't get me wrong, the input/support/therapy I had was amazing and helped me begin to untangle a lot of threads and was like nothing I have ever accessed before but I'm still very trapped in illness (which makes me really sad to type).

I really wish for you that you can keep this fierceness concerning fighting your ED up (and i know it isn't easy at all) xxx

Which I suppose to leads us to where I am now. I was signed off from work initially for 6 weeks to try to turn things around as they referred me back to inpatient units around the country. It's all a bit hazy to look back on and I cant really remember the exact timeline of things but after doing a number of online pre-admission interviews (apparently this is a thing now?) and refusing a few beds (mostly because they were so far away from home), I was pretty much cornered and told I didn't have a choice. There was one bed that I was willing to take from those I had spoken to however there was a lot of uncertainty about the date that it would be available due to them still running at a reduced capacity due to COVID and only being open for not even a year. I was beyond fortunate that somehow a bed at this unit was made available and I was admitted the next week (?|).

All was going so well at work and University. I was getting great feedback from my team, as well as from wider departments. I got nominated for 'best new starter' in the Food and Dairy UK division (covering all new starters - apprentices, graduates and others); I got recognition in the Christmas round up for some work I put in near the end of the year to help mitigate a lot of risk (we run by the calendar year so the lead up to the New Year was fairly stressful) and I genuinely felt like I was starting to find my feet and understanding the work I was doing/learning and felt included/part of the team.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for my health. Im not going to go into details, especially as writing this is very hard for me to do/admit as I am incredibly ashamed/embarrassed that despite things going really well in work/uni, the anorexia and depression were once again ruling/dominating my every waking hour. I dont want to sound ungrateful but I think I was getting stuck in a horrible cycle of admissions/self sabotage/slow relapse etc. This was not anyone's fault but mine - on reflection I have never really been willing to truly let go of illness/was dealing with a lot of things that were yet to be unearthed/recognised. Don't get me wrong, they genuinely saved my life and I recognise and accept that, however they were a detachment/sticky plaster/avoidance from reality/life and in some ways kept a lot of my unhealthy cycles/traps fired and alive.

When I started at work I was unfortunately slowly relapsing; I could see it happening but at the same time thought I was completely fine - I was used to the cycles playing out on repeat; to me it was the norm. There was the hope that with work starting it would help me to get things back on track but unfortunately, as is often the case with these horrible illnesses, I was once again sucked into the quicksand as my thinking already so rigid and unwavering; the perfectionism and unrelenting standards rose; my inner critic ranged; and I was functioning on fight-or-flight.

Therapy had been going steadily on in the background but as COVID meant that everything moved online, coupled with distractions and a very strong "professor mode" from my side, it all got to be a bit of a muddle/mess, especially when we touched on some Trauma work that I did not realise would run so deep and be so prevalent. Our main focus before this had been on a SCHEMA model, which I found very helpful and which has given me more emotional understanding of myself, along with a deeper recognition of my unmet needs and the vital role of the connection with our younger selves/vulnerable selves.

Due to things being messy and complicated and, tbh, I think the more we began to unearth, the more we both felt out of our depth, and found ourselves going around in, what felt like, the same circles week on week, I was allocated to a EDP in December to try to help with the physical/behavioural side of things. As is ever, the stars did not align and she went off on sick and I wasn't seen properly until early January, by which time I was, what felt like, ambushed by appointments left right and centre....these culminated in some escalations and a review with the team and my consultant who laid her cards on the table.

So in October 2021 I was able to start my apprenticeship! Initially I went into the office for a few days but due to COVID and restrictions, we have mostly been working remotely from home - which, to be honest, hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Obviously being an apprentice it would be far better to be shadowing people in an office space however my line manager has been really on it and made me feel supported every step of the way.

As for my health, work were aware of my past/situation due to the whole OH process, which I was at first very uncertain about but I am glad that I did as it meant that things could be adjusted and it didn't feel like I was trying to hide something. I actually never thought an employer would be so supportive and understanding, not just of my mental health but of everyone's. During my first rotation we actually had, every week in the department, a virtual coffee morning, which took the form of a variety of talks/discussions and always included a mental health check-in/awareness section to close. Not only that but the academy team who look after all apprentices/graduates have us all on a programme with an external company that runs every 2 months focusing on different areas of health (physical, mental, stress etc). Having open communication about things has meant that I have been able to go to any/all medical appointments and, my personal experience this rotation has been that my line manager has been incredible. Our 'colour energies' may be very different but in that sense we work incredibly together and I have felt that he 'gets me' as a person, which has been helpful.