my personality is 30% the last movie I watched

“If you eat a lot of dark chocolate, you will soon get used to its natural flavor and prefer it over sugary-sweet artificial milk chocolate” sorry but I can’t even consume one (1) Bitterness Tile without crying

drunk me is the me i really want to be. confident, hilarious and, most importantly, drunk. 

Restroom air dryers are a great way to warm your hands before wiping them on your jeans

We all do

One time in high school I was waiting to talk to the Vice Principal and this other kid came in and sat down next to me. He said “What are you in for?” And I said “Oh, they just want to know if it’s cool if I miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium. What are you in for?” and he said that he stabbed a kid with a screwdriver. I told him we led very different lives and he agreed.