Lepidolite

It really goddamn hurts to know I’ve had to walk away from something I really wanted to work. On almost all levels it felt really right. But I have this part of me, that I still haven’t really worked on, that rears its ugly head when I start to break-down the multiple walls I’ve built around myself. It’s a learned behaviour that I’ve inherited from my mother and I’m not really sure why I still do it. Why do I push down all of my wants/needs when I start getting close to someone else? Why do I lose all motivation to work on things I want to work on? Why do I put all my energy into pleasing the other person and going along with how they do/think? Is the because from a young age that’s what I was shown what love was. That to sacrifice your own feelings for that of your partner/kids/pretend ‘happy families’ was more important than dealing with feelings that could lead to hurt/loss. Sometimes I guess feelings can hurt, but they’re there for a reason and shouldn’t be ignored. I used to think it was a lack of confidence, of self love and now I’m not really sure. I feel pretty shitty for acknowledging that something was wrong, that I need to change .. and god it hurts like hell. But I guess the only way to become the person I truly want to be is to face these fears/wounds/flaws, at the very least to start talking about them, analysing them and accepting them - because its the only way I’ll move past them. Does it come from a place of ‘too much love’? Of wanting your partner to succeed at everything they do? Of just wanting to lift them up?  Maybe I do it because I have trouble expressing how I feel using words - so instead I use actions/my own energies. Or does it come from a place of wanting to avoid conflict so much that I even avoid voicing opinions/disagreements. That’d make sense considering I do that all the time anyway .. considering I’ve had my fair share of witnessing conflict arguments in my childhood. (This line of thought is totally not healthy .. another thing I should resolve. Baby steps) I definitely think I am afraid of conflict, heck I was afraid to say how I felt about the relationship I was in, because I think I knew it would lead to a break up and i am TERRIFIED of break ups .. because you know, it went so well with Jake, and with Dan.  Why do I lose myself so much when I give to others.. its not healthy. I know who I want to be.. who i AM but just um forget to be when I’m focused on another person.. I am enthusiastic, full of energy, intelligent, passionate, hard working, intuitive, kind, free and a beautiful shining spirit. Maybe I’d just do well to remember that.

i hate being a women i hate that my shitty hormones dictate my mood. i hate that im in such a shitty mood right now because hormones - because why would be i be sad, i have nothing even be sad about stupid selfish bitch. and the only way i know how to pull myself out of shitty moods like this is to eat chocolate or sugar or coke and i dont have any because i didnt want to buy any because i didnt want to be the fat bitch that i am - too bad because now I’m time pressed to do a really important interview video and my hair is shit and my mood is shit and i think really im just going to give up on this amazing opportunity because you know, if i cant even pull myself together for a cool thing like this i dont deserve to be on a special crew because if they really found out how crazy i am, if anyone found out how crazy i am nobody will ever send me into space.

Can’t get out of bed, can’t stop crying. Why am i even here There is no point to anything anymore

Love is weakness.

I don't know how I went from travel buddy (glorified fuck buddy) to 'I love you'. I'm a little confused and afraid of being hurt again.

I don't know how I went from travel buddy (glorified fuck buddy) to 'I love you'. I'm a little confused and afraid of being hurt again.

I hate that I live in filth. I hate that I don't get to wash my clothes. I hate how I stay in my room because I don't want to interact with anyone. I hate that my housemates stay in the lounge all day. I hate that they talk French to each other. I hate that my room smells. I hate my job. I hate not having any business clothes so I have to wear the same thing each day. I hate my routine. I hate my desk. I hate that I wake up at 7:45, roll out of bed, go to work come home go to sleep. I hate that I have to buy my breakfast lunch and dinner. I hate how much money I spend on take away. I hate that I don't cook because I'm too tired. I hate that I'm fat because I eat bad. I hate that I have no nutrition. I hate that I always feel sick. I hate that it takes me an hour to get to home each day. I hate Perth. I hate having no time I hate having so many commitments I hate that my mum has cancer

I hate that I live in filth. I hate that I don't get to wash my clothes. I hate how I stay in my room because I don't want to interact with anyone. I hate that my housemates stay in the lounge all day. I hate that they talk French to each other. I hate that my room smells. I hate my job. I hate not having any business clothes so I have to wear the same thing each day. I hate my routine. I hate my desk. I hate that I wake up at 7:45, roll out of bed, go to work come home go to sleep. I hate that I have to buy my breakfast lunch and dinner. I hate how much money I spend on take away. I hate that I don't cook because I'm too tired. I hate that I'm fat because I eat bad. I hate that I have no nutrition. I hate that I always feel sick. I hate that it takes me an hour to get to home each day. I hate Perth. I hate having no time I hate having so many commitments I hate that my mum has cancer

Tonight my mother is going to ring me and tell me she has cancer. I don't know what I am supposed to say.

Tonight my mother is going to ring me and tell me she has cancer. I don't know what I am supposed to say.

x-YOU NEVER WATCHED POKEMON OH MY GOD ok thats ok this is fine y-Is this it? Do we have to stop seeing each other until I've been suitably Pokemon-ified? My head: *WHAT, WHEN DID WE EVEN START SEEING EACH OTHER I DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON CAN I JUST LIKE PRETEND MY LAPTOP BROKE SO I DONT HAVE TO REPLY.” My head: *SHIT I STILL HAVENT REPLIED YET. OK UM PLAY IT COOL PLAY IT COOL*” * * * x- I think we'll be ok - I'll just have to make sure I pokemonify you when I get the chance :) My head: *YOU DORK WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY OMGGGGGGG* Awkward end of conversation. And that social interaction is a wrap, nice to know you :’) :’’’’’’’(

Never mind. I'm back in Perth.

Weird sound coming from left side of plane rows 6/5 above/overhead locker like crackling. Like a modem connecting to Internet. Like radio static. Soz. Just had to say just in case.

Anyway, on the plane. Back to Perth now.

I never fixed snything by running away. I just let whatever friendships/relationships I have fade.

I just wish I could fix my relationship with my mum, with my brother. I know they care, and I care about them .. But all the shit, all the problems, it just gets in the way. I can't stay here, but I don't want to leave. I want to spend more time with my family, but when I do, I hate it. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just love without judging, spend time with people without feeling like I'm wasting my time. Why can't I engage in small talk, why can't I talk about tv shows or the latest news. Why does all my conversations have to be about changing the world. Why can't I just fit in with normal society