Within The Core

The photo that I took along the way on the last family trip a year ago. This pandemic has caused plenty and I've lost plenty as well. Too much of heart breaking moments and too many things that I am letting go as well as being forced to let go. Things that has been working out of my hands and went uncontrollable. At times as these, I ended up looking at old photos, mourning as I wrote in my diary or crying in my prayers. I've been distant for I also have the need to a whole-self ---which I rarely gain during these quarantine days and remotely teaching that I have to do. As always, my roles demands more than I can give for my own self. And being 24/7 simultaneously work as an educator, customer service and IT while still being underpaid (even before these quarantine days) are now getting on my nerves and draining my energy. I begin to feel the reluctance and endurance battling each day. Days are bleaker and survival is on daily menu with increasing dosage. I hardly found an inspiration to paint let alone creating. Experiencing artist's blocks and simply occupying my minds with solaces by drowning in books to read, movies to watch and analyze while still monitoring the news. On this Ramadhan, fasting are quadrupled harder (well there's no usual for each year except the challenges) and keeping in tow in remembering blessings and being grateful for each of it are what I'm still stamping in my head. I've lost hope along the way and trying to regain it again seeing this momentum thanks to the pandemic as a long term occurrence which also cost me having less incomes and might be lesser on the next month. Trying to reach and find happiness in the most bizarrely dark days aren't as easy as they say. Well, none of the above matters unless you're in that shoes. Your own pair of shoes which none can ever fit into.