is this what it means to be alive?

      “Oh, absolutely not. I want my doctors to know what they’re doing.” Leo had only survived because of surgeons who were good, and even they hadn’t managed to completely heal the tremor in his hand. It was an obstacle he could live with, but he didn’t want to picture how things would have turned out if he didn’t have good surgeons. “Sounds absolutely awful. I’m happy you made it out alive,” he agreed with a crooked smile, shaking his head a little. Leonard could hardly picture that sort of event, or that sort of family for the matter. His own upbringing had been different, and his relationship with his family as well. But every family was complicated, he could also tell a tale of that. “Really,” he laughed, unable to contain his own love for the dog. She made his life a little more bearable most days. “I mean, it’s true what they say: Dogs are much better than people. Better friends and roommates too. If you ever need a cuddle after work, you know where to find us.”

      Leo know a thing or two about losing a hold of your emotions. It happened to him more times than he could count, though he was usually alone at home when it happened. “There’s no reason to feel like an idiot,” he reassured her, and after another moment of hesitation, he stepped forward to take a seat next to her. Leaving some distance between them, he rested his hands on his thighs and shrugged his shoulders. “Ah, I’m actually happy you don’t remember. I had a bit of a --- let’s say mental breakdown at Rosie’s. It happened a while back. Totally spilled my drink all over myself, but you were nice enough to help me get rid of the stain. It wasn’t my best moment,” he admitted with a crooked smile, tilting his head to the side as he looked at her. “Like I said, we all have our moments.”

       Leo watched the woman walk away with arched brows, unsure whether he was amused or surprised by the interaction he had maybe eavesdropped on. Clearing his throat, he stepped closer, even if he was well aware that he was hardly a fashionable person and could easily fall into the role of a next target. He preferred plain sweaters and jeans, but he just couldn’t help it. “What did the poor woman do to you to get the news that she looks awful in that skirt?”

       Leo was a bad sleeper. Ever since he returned home, he couldn’t think of a single night he slept through. He usually worked until late at night, until exhaustion made him pass out, or woke up from nightmares, or tossed around until he went out for a run. His dog always got excited when he started putting on his running shoes to distract himself, and this time they had been running for forty-five minutes before she got too excited over some animal in a bush that she ran away. Leo liked to think he had trained Coco well enough, but she didn’t listen to his voice. A distant feeling of panic started to settle in the pit of his stomach, and after looking for her without any success, she approached the next person he could find. He didn’t care that he had to repeat his question, wiping sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “Did you see a dog? Three legs, probably pretty excited, has a red leash?”

      “Okay fine. But I don’t want you keeping secrets from me because you think I can’t handle them.” His voice was stern, the words spoken adamantly. Leo had always been protective of his younger brother, and he wasn’t about to stop now. Running a hand through his hair, he sighed. “I’ll always be upset. I’m not going to lie about that. But I’m good. As good as I can be. I promise.”

      “Work?”, Leo echoed, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “That is a bit unusual. What do you do?” He couldn’t imagine many people who would come to Mystic for work; it was a small town that didn’t have a lot to offer after all. “Ah, no. College really wasn’t my thing. I was in the Navy.” Sometimes Leo wondered what his life would have looked like had he gone to college, but his grades were a disaster, and even if the Navy had left him scarred, he didn’t regret his decision to join.

       “Of course I was fucking upset.” There had been no time to really prepare himself for the news that the man on the mission with him -- the man he happened to love -- had been killed by the explosion underwater. There was no goodbye, he’d simply been thrust back into a normal life. But the fact that his brother thought it meant he couldn’t talk to him about these things made him feel sick to his stomach. “But that was two years ago, Gale. Just because I lost someone I loved doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about your love life for the rest of your life.”

       Leo was great at ignoring problems until they went away. Or just ignoring them, even if they didn’t go away. A distinctly familiar voice trying to tell a salesperson how to sell pepper spray was certainly one of those things he would have happily ignored, but eventually no longer managed to look away. Clearing his throat, he stepped closer to the scene, giving the salesperson an apologetic smile. “Maybe they could tell that you definitely know how to use that thing and therefore didn’t give you a big show. How about you let them off the hook so they can show it off to other people?”

       Grocery shopping was one of the things Leo had picked up as a means to distract himself. He had a long list of activities to go to when he wasn’t having a good day, and somehow stocking up his fridge, or cooking for himself, helped a lot. That was why he found himself wandering the isles of the grocery store, eyes scanning the shelves for something to catch his eye. He didn’t really have a plan, but was rather looking for a source of inspiration. Eventually, his path was blocked by a cart, but as the owner belonging to it started apologizing over and over again, he just smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s all good,” he reassured the other, still smiling as he pushed path. His own eyes moved to the popcorn on the shelves, and he was unable to contain a laugh. “Well, I can’t blame you. Snacks are great, especially late at night.” Head tilting to the side at her question, he considered it for a moment. Leo was too polite to be that person in the grocery store who egoistically pushed through and ignored everybody else. “I don’t know, that depends on what you like to eat. Personally, I’m a pasta guy, but plenty of people prefer other food.”

      It wasn’t unfamiliar to Leo that he couldn’t sleep. More often than not, his nights were spent restless and awake, or he only managed to fall asleep during the early morning hours. He either spent that time by working out, working on a new piece of furniture -- or sometimes going out to distract his mind. He decided that night that he was in dire need of coffee. Even if it wouldn’t help him go to sleep, he was already certain that wouldn’t happen tonight anyway. Pushing the door to the café open, he wasn’t really paying a lot of attention to his surroundings, and therefore winced slightly when a voice cut through the silence. “Oh,” was all he managed to get out at first, then a crooked smile appeared on his lips when he looked at the other. “I guess that’s just my luck, huh? Do you think they’ll be gone for long?”

       “I get it.” Throughout his time in the Navy, Leo had witnessed the same thing. When he had been part of that life for plenty of years, he started noticing that some of the younger recruits just weren’t cut out for it either. “So what happens to them, are you throwing them out? Might do everyone a favor in the end.” The interns, as well as the patients and the other doctors. Chuckling softly, he shook his head. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s the best choice to make,” he agreed, pulling up his shoulders slightly against the wind. “Holder family event? How did that go?”, he asked, a curious tone in his voice, and a matching sparkle in his eyes as he glanced over at the other. “Ah, I don’t know, man. It’s the same old for me. Nothing’s really changing. Which is good for me, don’t get me wrong. But Coco learned how to roll over the other day, so that’s pretty much the highlight of my week.”

      Shaking the other’s hand, Leo was quick to push his hands into the pockets of his pants when he retreated it. The whole display around them, and crowds of people in general, often made him feel uneasy these days. “Yeah, actually. I grew up here. I was just gone for a long time.” Though he had visited Mystic, and had been back for two years, sometimes it still felt as if he had only returned home yesterday. Tilting his head to the side, he tried to recall whether he’d seen the other man before. “Are you from here? I don’t think we’ve met before.”

       “I’m sorry.” Leo’s voice was soft when he spoke, lips pressing together as he tried to find more comforting words. But what could he really say to make his brother feel better? Being second choice sucked. “It’s his loss.” Though those words probably weren’t helpful either. Losing love always hurt, Leo knew that. It was the reason why his brother’s words stung -- like any reminder of what had happened to him always did. It took him a moment to find his voice, inhaling a deep breath to compose himself. “That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about these things, Gale.”

      He considered her words, trying to make sense of them. He could partly understand where she was coming from, though another part of him didn’t want to be a person who pretended, or hid away from reality. His therapist often told him that wasn’t healthy, too. “I guess that makes sense. But it’s not really what works for me. It’s... complicated.” Then again, wasn’t everything in life? Unsure whether those words were meant as an insult or not, he couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe. But I’m really not the kind of person who just jumps into bed with a stranger.”

       When he listened to her words, a frown started to appear on Leo’s forehead. While he was good at pretending that he was fine, he’d never pretended to be someone else just because people expected it of him. “Why would I pretend for other people? What does it matter what they expect of me?” He lifted his glass up to his lips to take a sip, though he almost choked on the drink at her suggestion. “I’m sorry, I--” He shook his head, a crooked smile on his lips. “That’s not really my thing.”

        Leo turned his head away, looking at everything around at them as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. While he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been as unsettled in public as she was right now, he knew he’d want others to be polite enough not to stare. “I understand.” A soft smile appeared on his lips, and he shook his head in a gesture that was meant to be reassuring. “We all have our not so great moments in which we go back to behaving like babies,” he pointed out, for he knew he had them. Just usually at home, hugging his dog and hiding from the rest of the world. Once he was certain she had calmed down a bit more, he took a step closer. “Yes, that’s right.” He nodded his head, fingers brushing through his hair that was a little tousled from the wind. “We met at--... well, you probably know where we met.”

        “I’m your brother, Gale. I’m in your shit whether you want me to be or not. I’ve always been.” And Leo also never wanted that to change. It was his job as a big brother to be there for him, no matter because of what, when or where. “I don’t think you’re naive. You’ve never been,” he clarified, clearly taking Gale’s side in this. Though his brother’s next words caused him to frown in confusion, and he slowly straightened up in his sitting position. “What do you mean? Why should this be hard for me?”