Lemony Smut

I started on here over a decade ago. My thoughts, dreams, fears, and ramblings have preserved. Look at how I’ve grown! How life changed! How I have and have not changed!

Recently I’m more on here due to nostalgia. How this place made me feel safe to explore. In several ways I’m arguably more me than I was before. I don’t take shit. I set boundaries. I believe in myself.

Some things though. Some things are still for me to work out.

Feelings for a guy that’s unrequited. Though we differ in many ways so may be for the best.

The lack of kinkiness in my life. Self-inflicted but hard to turn around (or well put myself out there type of thing)

It’s easy to think about the good times and filter the bad through rosy glasses.

I wasn’t that lonely

I wasn’t that poor

I wasn’t that sad

I wasn’t that depressed

I wasn’t that insecure

But I was

And you can remember the good wíth the bad.

I had some great social events but in between I often get lonely

I appreciated being close to a major city centre though was limited in my ability to enjoy it to the max due to the financial situation

I experienced high highs, wins, and love while also missing key people in my life

I had good days, I had bad days. In the background there was always a mist. A veil. One that has now finally been lifted so I can see how bad it got at times

I felt confident in certain areas but I refrained from speaking out lest someone disagreed with me or would challenge me.