Something about the breakage of your mind knowing there's no use, that the only hope for escape left is for something for the impossible or a strategically placed bullet enough to take you out for eternity, enough to free you from a battle that you've fought too long and too hard for. There's something about the futility of effort, and not just logically. There's no emotional hope, there's no spiritual hope, there's just doom, there's nothing left. But your body moves on autopilot. it keeps fighting, it keeps firing, it keeps loading that gun up again and again and again, there's no hope in it, there's just desperation, hammering in your chest like a war drum that won't quit, because long after you've given up, it hasn't. like a car engine that keeps running even after you've taken your hands off the wheel and pressed the pedal to the metal, it keeps running but it's not drifting, it's just running forward, keeps on running, until you either cross the finish line or hit a pole. It will fight when your soul has given up, it will fight when it's tired and when your mind wants you to give up. it is a machine, one without feeling or hope, just desperation but it is a machine that will hold you up when you want to fall. there's.... i don't know, there's something about that. something about the routine that keeps you from giving up. even if it sounds cruel, even if it sounds hopeless, even if it sounds desperate and pathetic and broken. it won't let you put down that gun. until you get the strength up to put the reins on your heart, and perhaps by the time you get that strength up to finally control that gun, perhaps you won't set it down at all. maybe you'll reach for the trigger deliberately.