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okay so happy 20th birthday to Steam, apparently,

Alrighty, if you’ve been into tf2 for awhile, you’ve definitely seen this pairing pop up. This whole thing is probably gonna sound like I’m beating a dead horse, but I wanna give my full two cents on these two using canon material (comics, game, and Expiration Date). Before I dive in, my stance on these two is 100% never gonna change. Save the counterarguments and keep scrolling

VOICE LINES

In the game, Miss Pauling has a lot of voice lines both towards the individual mercs and to the player themselves. However, how she speaks to Scout vs everyone else is drastically different. Let’s look at Scout’s when given a contract:

Starting off, Miss Pauling is…pretty rude towards him. “Wrap up whatever you’re bragging about” “I’m assuming you’re talking right now. Please stop” and others. It’s evident that she doesn’t want to hear a word out of his mouth. As we all know, Scout talk A LOT, but if she liked him to any degree, she wouldn’t be this mean towards him. If anyone even tries to say “well maybe she’s mean bc she likes him” no. Sorry, not how healthy relationships work. If anything, that further proves my point on why they’re terrible together.

Now, lets look at other lines (I’m too lazy to add everyone):

See the major difference? Miss Pauling isn’t mean, rude, or dismissive. She’s friendly! She’s joking! Lines like these show that Miss Pauling considers Engie (and everyone else) her friends. Scout gets nothing like that.

By the way, Miss Pauling canonically hangs out with the mercs (and Saxton’s assistant Bidwell). When you look at her contract lines with everyone else (including Bidwell), she’s cheerful and having fun. Scout on the other hand? She’s a frustrated dungeon master because Scout wants to make a muscle wizard and won’t stop flexing.

My experience with dungeon masters has been “fuck it, be whoever you want”. I had the dumbest, weirdest characters, and the DMs didn’t care! That’s the fun of d&d (g&g for tf2). Miss Pauling not letting Scout have a buff wizard, and Scout not even trying to follow the rules, shows how incompatible they are. Neither of them are willing to make a compromise especially because of the fact that Scout’s a pretty narcissistic guy. He’s a pathological liar in the comics (which are coming up) to impress people. Who wants to date that?

Onto the congratulations:

Pretty standard, right? Nothing extraordinary or, honestly, anything outside of standard professionalism. Scout gets a quick thanks and the line goes dead.

For anyone else:

The other classes get something Scout doesn’t: enthusiasm. Miss Pauling is beaming in her lines for the other classes. Also, Scout has the least amount of congratulations (only 5) out of everyone. Miss Pauling also says to a few other classes “i owe you one” and “i knew you could do it”. Again, ten times friendlier than how she speaks to Scout. If she liked Scout, she would have similar lines or ones that are even a bit flirtatious. Nope. Nada.

COMICS

If you’ve only played the game, you’re missing out! The comics are great (and unfinished), and they also reveal more of how Miss Pauling engages with Scout. For example:

Immediately stopping him from talking again, and straight up letting him get hanged. If that was my crush, I would, you know, not let go so they don’t die. She has very little regard for Scout outside of “annoying guy I work with”. Hell, she canonically spends more time with virtually every other class (aside from Engie obviously and maybe Medic) than with Scout. Another thing in the comics:

This right here. Scout has been working for Mann Co. for six years (meaning he joined at 21). In six years, Miss Pauling has made zero indication of liking him. What person goes six years without even trying to flirt or even hit on with their crush? Especially when Scout is VERY LOUD about his infatuation. Even the biggest introvert would jump on that free chance.

Oh, another thing! When Scout tries to get some alone time with her (while fighting for their lives) she turns him down. Pauling would rather watch Soldier and Zhanna fight naked while cover in honey than go with Scout (who wouldn’t?) which, when you think about it, caused Scout’s death because he faced the Spy bots alone. Sorry Scout, ass and tiddies are more important than you!

EXPIRATION DATE

The long adored sfm video. While the video pretty much cements Scout’s feelings for Miss Pauling, it also cements her lack thereof. Lets dig in:

First off, we know that Scout only had the bravery to ask her out because he thought he was dying. How does he invite her? By setting off the briefcase alarm!

As Miss Pauling says, it’s “the one button he’s never supposed to touch”. Not only that, but it wasted her only day off of the year. A fact she is visibly pissed about and refers to a couple times. Scout was pretty selfish to do that. Another thing, Pauling repeatedly refers to the “date” as a prom. (“Are you guys having a prom?”) She literally had no idea Scout was asking her out. Why? Lets face it, she would say no or dismiss him yet again. Even Scout knew that, so he faked a literal emergency that forces her to visit. Once again, lying to try and impress her with a date.

So, Scout comes up with an elaborately self centered plan to get Miss Pauling to come to the base, and when she wants to storm out, he desperately tries to save face with dinner. Cue our bread monster fight where Scout confesses that he likes her. And her response? Nothing. Throughout the whole sequence, Miss Pauling doesn’t answer or even respond to a word he says. You’d think if you were in mortal danger, you’d tell your crush “i love you! Now help me kill this bread monster”

At the end, Scout says “so its a date?” To which our beloved Miss Pauling says, “well, no. You did waste my one day off”. Not only that, but Pauling even offers for him to join her on missions, which he instantly says no to. Idk about you, but I’d bury bodies with my crush any day of the week. The fact that Scout was offered multiple chances to even be near Miss Pauling willingly, yet turned them down, is pretty telling of his character.

Scout wants a date, yes, but how he envisions it. Typical candles and pretty lights with a pretty girl. Meaning, what he enjoys and what he sees their romantic life being like. Not shaving off fingerprints or hiding bodies. Things Miss Pauling does literally 24/7. You know, things she likes doing. Its evident in her vacation lines that she wants to go back to work and that she isn’t a fan of vacations. Once again, Scout’s selfishness stops him from getting anywhere near the girl he’s obsessed with.

So, we have: Pauling doesn’t want to hear Scout’s voice, she’s barely cordial with him, she sees Scout as at best a coworker, and she was, indirectly, responsible for his death. (Note: not making this into A Point, its just fucking hilarious).

All in all, these two have no chemistry. Scout has a six year long obsession, and Miss Pauling has a six year long distain for our quirked up white boy. Their whole dynamic is the age old “dumb jackass loser wants pretty girl” and lets face it, we’re sick of that. Scout couldn’t even come up with a reasonable, honest way to see Miss Pauling in person. He selfishly wanted a date (that fits his myopic view of what dating Miss Pauling looks like) and didn’t care how he got it.