Lelibug Phoenix DragonQueen

You need to have a stake in the game if you're going to be playing -- and NOT ONE of these people involved with this, with PIP or DWP #Disability Sector are ACTUALLY DISABLED.

DPAC (Disabled People Against Cuts) and other #DisabilityAdvocate groups are the only people who should be doing anything of the kind.

It's sickening how they weaponise our conditions, health, psychological illnesses and #disabilities against us. Zero #disabilityawareness

AND it's as patehtic as it is sickening.

A Billion(aire) To One Chance (on Wattpad) 

 (SHORT STORY: Under 5k Words) 

"So... Anybody else out there with a completely dopey former best friend who became a billionaire movie star and returned to buy you a seven-figure house in London?

Or maybe that was just me - Isla Elliott.

------------------

James Taylor Scott - Jay - used to be her best friend and roommate during drama school in London. Oh, and the love of her life - can't (but absolutely should) forget that bit... But then he left for the bright lights of Hollywood and never looked back - ten years ago.

In a completely opposite state of affairs, Isla Elliott is still in London, and in some serious dire straights. She's not an actor, despite a First Class Degree in Musical Theatre; instead she's a computer analyst with a good job and a good income. What she doesn't have, though, is a roof over her head. She's hopping from sofas to spare rooms of friends or acquaintances, with apparently no hope of being able to manage to rent a new place, due to nothing less than the state of the current rental market.

Then, out of nowhere, returns Jay... Who after being back for only about two weeks manages to acquire her a dethatched townhouse by Primrose Hill, and no strings attached.

Except there are: Heart-strings - and it's pulling on hers.

I was a "shy loner" with "mental & behaviour ISSUES". But I was also told I'm "So Clever!" and "So Capable When You Want To Be!"

I couldn't cope with high school. My "friends" somehow abandoned and turned on me... to which I never discovered the true reason for, except it was for the powerful influence of one girl who seemed to hate my guts, even though I thought we'd been good friends.

I could have coped with JUST THAT. But it wasn't just that. I was Bullied and Psychologically Abused by the teachers AND the [new] Headmaster. AND I was systematically WRECKED Entirely by my own parents and sister. Because I was "A Problem/Troublemaker", had "mental problems", and [being] "MANIPULATIVE and TRYING TO CONTROL US!". At 12yo and being bullied at school, I might add.

I ended up in the mental health system; maxed-out on Prozac for 4 years from age 12 & in an adolescent unit for my final GCSE year.

The entire time... I Just Wanted TO. BE. "NORMAL".

~~ ∞~~

Turns Out I Wasn't Problematic...

I Was Autistic.

But I found out too late. At 33 years old.

AFTER I became SEVERELY CHRONICALLY ILL & Physically Disabled.

~~ ∞~~

It was A LOT Better AFTER leaving school:

School was abusive, prejudiced, bullying, ghosting, debasing, and TRAUMATISING... ESPECIALLY if "your face didn't fit".

School Is NOT a good place for Neurodivergent Kids. Not a safe place. Not Any Kind of people Suitable place.

Released from its confines... I THRIVED: I went to Tech College and got A Levels and studied Performing Art, and I got privately tutored in Musical Theatre & Classical Singing.

I got to be a Performer, Classical Soprano, West End Performer

Then I worked as a Qualified Health Care Assistant/HCA in London NHS Hospitals

Then — I found another gift: Computing, Tech, Data/Database Admin, & Data Analysis.

And I Became—

Lead Data Analyst & interim Project Manager for worldwide B2B corporation

IT Consultant Data Analyst/ Database Admin for Global B2B Real Estate Company

IT Data Migration Consultant: As A Data Quality Analysis Specialist for major London NHS Hospital.

*****

Just as I was about to sign a contract directly for that major NHS Hospital, I ended up with MORE Disabilities.

After a bout of Pneumonia... EVERYTHING Changed.

My body was Quickly & Distressingly breaking down – at what felt like at the speed of light. Suddenly incapable of the things it once could do so easily. Lost fine motor skills, the ability to move well. I ended up paralysed... Eventually I'd be Quadraplegic. I was also screaming or passing out with obscene amounts of unregulated pain.

Turned out I had FND & Fibromyalgia, amongst other things. Functional Neurological Disorder virtually destroyed all of my body entirely.

The Unregulated AGONY from Fibromyalgia Traumatised Me For Life...

"Too Disabled to work" turned into "Too Disabled to Manage To Live". I had to go live with my parents; age 35 and a former independent adult with a great job and making a decent living,

I had no meds but Pregabalin for it, for Nearly FIVE YEARS. I was IGNORED by the "medical professionals".

DISCHARGED after ONE appointment from ALL the hospital "specialist" clinics, I was sent away with NOTHING & LEFT with nowhere else to go — I was forced to self-medicate with alcohol, because there was nothing else left without Prescription.

I ended up with SEPSIS & SEPTICAEMIA (with two types of blood poisoning). Hospitalised for nearly Two Months and on IV Antibiotics for every single one of those days, even the last one.

AND — Also on Morphine and Tramadol and Ondandatron...

And finally the pain DIMMED. The nausea let up. I could breathe. Do things like read and sit up, focus on the TV shows playing on my laptop. Fibromyalgia was finally starting to be controlled with some basic top-level pain meds I should have been given FIVE YEARS BEFORE.

SEPSIS & SEPTICAEMIA broke me. I became Ruined. Three Years after that, I caught COVID... Followed by A Devastatingly HORRENDOUS Autistic Breakdown.

And then things REALLY Got BAD.

I lost the use of nearly all of my body. Quadraplegic.

Then, and still now... ONLY being seen as "Just Disabled"

You trap a spider in a jar, you're afraid of everything.... Too kind to take its life, but too cruel to set it free.... And I hate to think that that's all we'll ever be... You'll suffocate me

(from “the sting” by sydney ross mitchell)

This quote was on BlueSky... Now it haunts me.

I probably really needed to see it.

That spider is me. But the person with the jar ... that's also me.

The me that's inside this Cage Of Pain & Illness — the small part that's still left: That's the spider.

Currently ... With no will not say to change it. Why? Because it's easier and less harmful than the actual danger outside the jar, to be inside it. At least you can watch the world go by. Without you, maybe. But, it was always going to go on without me being part of it . That's what being Severely Disabled is like.

The rest of me... CPTSD, further PTSD, Trauma-induced Phobias... That's the FEAR that won't let me out. Because in my life, those weren't "what is" — they addkk Fresh Memories and Real Long-term Experience

Yes. Together we suffocate. We drown. We Die.

You can be in the jar and at least safe. Outside of the jar, there's too much danger; always in high Alert, hyper-focused on being Hyper-Vigilent, in fight or flight every single SECOND, for Years — or Decades [as the case may be]. There is NO Joy. No Good Times.

There is only More Pain — Physical & Psychological.

But inside the jar you can relax and enjoy what you have, for whatever time you have it.

Better to suffocate and be free of everything. Better Suffocate and Enjoy your life.. than the other option .

Better than to be forced to be without the safety. To do things, hear things, experience things, that only cause Extensive & Permanent Physical Agony, as well as Emotionally Traumatic Turmoil & Pain.

Better to be happy for a short time, than miserably writhing in painful agony for Decade after Decade, until it finally ends and it was ALL FOR NAUGHT.

Being that Nothing. Born To Die. Left with Nothing. And just simple languishing and waiting to die.

Because "Living" isn't an option.

Not Anymore.

NEW! JUST Added ‘Without You Here’ by DelphineMusic aka @lelibug​ and Eirianlys Music @eirianlysmusic​ is now out on #SoundCloud!

WITHOUT YOU HERE Written by VA Hughes, Delphine Khouri, L. Hughes Music & Production by Eirianlys Music & DelphineMusic All Vocals by DelphineMusic

~ A Multi-Genre Fusion Blend: Electro-Pop & Electic Guitar with dubstep-esque drum beats, meets haunting ballad and harmonising soprano vocals in a darkwave-inspired piece ~

Clair Obscur  Expedition 33 - NEW GAME Plus Settings Guide - Prologue p.1

 The Day of The Gomage. 

The Paintress Is Coming Again - to rip families and loved ones apart for another year. Soon it will be time for Goodbyes... 

 But right now it's about Celebrating The Lives That Will Too Soon Be Lost...

... And A New Expedition Will Start in earnest to finally Stop Her. No Matter What. 

 #expedition33 #expedition33game #clairobscurexpedition33 #clairobscur #newgame #settings #settingsguide #gaming #gamingvideos #walkthrough #pcamer #pcgaming #girlgamer #gamergirl #gustaveflaubert #gomage #paintress #lumiere #tutorial 

Control - NEW GAME: A Remedy Classic From 2019

Control Standard Edition / Control Ultimate Edition

Control - NEW GAME Remedy's 2019 Classic - New Game. Starting New Game

 At its heart, this is an on-the-rails shooter... But how it gets you through its story and enemies is (honest opinion) is quite fascinating and interesting. 

The main character, Jesse, is well characterised, well-acted and presented. There's mystery that is solved by nothing, the pieces getting picked up, but getting you nowhere -- at least at first. It's creepy and unsettling (I don't get creeped out, but I appreciated it coming across as successfully doing what it set out to do -- and I actually was somewhat unsettled). It reminded me a little of the X-Files in that way, especially the first season of it. 

 It's definitely intriguing in its storyline. The gameplay was fluid. I was able to play fairly comfortably, even though I was suffering from being quite ill from a flareup [of FND & Fibromyalgia, as well as Autistic Burnout] at the time.

.The only thing I found somewhat wanting during the shooting, having played other shooter-types, was that there didn't seem to be a "take cover" "sticky"-option -- as in, being able to get behind a box or a wall and press [something] to "stick" to it, to hide and use it as protection. It would have been easier to manage than having to CONSTANTLY move about to stay out of the line of fire (makes me dizzy and it's very tiring!) 

 Speaking of which -- they have some good "Accessibility" options, including even "immortality", which I might find very useful if my hands were worse and not as responsive as they are at this moment in time (like in the winter). This should probably be in all games; I would certainly feel better about playing them to cheer myself up when I'm not feeling very well at all, knowing that I can still progress through the game even if my response times suck like a lollipop. 

 #control #controlthegame #remedy #federalbureauofcontrol #2k #hdr #videogames #walkthrough #gaming #gamergirl #gamingvideos #girlgamer #pcgames

Mass Effect Legendary Edition - ME2 Engineer - Shadow Broker DLC - Battle of Azure

Mass Effect Legendary Edition - ME2 Engineer - Shadow Broker DLC - Battle of Azure 

 Shep, Liara and Miranda find the traitorous Asari SPECTR ...  ["Detective"] Tela Vasir. Eventually. 

Crash landed on a.... Questionable... luxury Asari hotel, and injured badly. Losing a lot of blood whilst heading goddess-knows-where... 

 Includes stupid skycar chase (just WHY, Tela Vasir.... Why?!), stopping said crazy SPECTRE blowing out civilian brains, and having to deal with SPECTR tantrums, throwing herself about the place, trying to stop you and Liara dead, whilst she's already badly injured and bleeding out heavily... 

After - Just.After... there are finally a few answers... 

 Sort Of. Ish... ... 

Yeh. Except.... With even more questions. 

  #masseffectlegendaryedition #shadowbroker #dlc #masseffect2 #masseffect2legendary #liaratsoni #skycarracing #azure #commandershepard #femshep #engineerfemshep #mirandalawson #telavasir #detectivevasir #roguespectr #roguedetective #2k #hdr #videogames #walkthrough #gaming #gamergirl #gamingvideos #girlgamer #pcgames 

RIG SPECS: Lenovo Legion 5i 2025 Laptop, 16" 2K HDR [100] Screen, Intel Ultra 9 275HX, 32GB RAM, RTX 5070 Ti, 2x 1TB NMV.e M.2 SSD 

Mass Effect Andromeda - Sara (Goth) - Havarl: Finding The Turians

Three MONTHS I’ve been waiting for my “URGENT” Suprapubic Catheter re-insertion. They did it in 7 WEEKS between Lockdowns & it was just before Xmas in 2020… and one shouldn’t need a WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC to actually have surgery they desperately need….

And STILL they’re not treating it for what it is… which is a ticking timebomb that will take me from being Severely Disabled as a Temporary Situation into One VERY Permanent One, where I am literally unable to manage ANYTHING for myself; not even turn over or sit up in bed, wasting away from Super-Fatigue, Mega-Agony, and spinning world that NEVER EVER seems to stop.

My 98yo grandmother could do More Than That, almost until the day she died. I’m Less than 45% of that age! My counterparts are working, raising children, going on trips or holidays… I’m just a year older than the Prince & Princess of Wales — so there’s a VERY GLARING reminder of “What COULD have been” right on the front pages of everywhere… My little sister is raising two young girls, with a mortgage on a cute 3-bed house, a job, going on said trips and holidays — and ghosts me like I don’t exist.

——

I’ve now reached the point where I truly feel it won’t take much more to put my body into Full Burnout & Severely Break Down Even More. The last time I was THIS ILL, I ended up with Sepsis and Septicaemia — from Two Different Blood Poisonings.

… Call me deluded, but I REALLY don’t want to get on THAT crazy-train EVER AGAIN… So, I’m getting more than a bit freaked out about how badly I’m going downhill now, having to deal with the catastrophic fallout of dealing with the outcome of Full Incontinence.

MEGA-Extensive & Overwhelming Hyper-Fatigue alone has me now requiring the effect of 24/7 Care. That’s BEFORE you’re talking about the Pain, Vertigo, Nausea, High Stress… etc.

Are you actually supposed to be able to GET Post-Malaise…Thingy… from just breathing and existing? Cos I Do.

Anything more than that, even moving a little bit, and I am WRECKED, like I’ve done a half-marathon. Anything more than that, and it’s worse than a Himalayan Treck to the peak of Kilimanjaro and back. I Am UTTERLY, TOTALLY DESTROYED — for WEEKS. Maybe (usually) Months.

I have virtually NO Appetite, and barely eat, nor have any energy to manage anything, anyway — a serious Sucker-Punch to the gut after spending the last TWENTY YEARS conning myself into eating to combat Anorexia. I SURE AS HELL AVOID DRINKING ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that I possibly can, even my beloved coffee — which is just about destroying my soul, and definitely NOT helping with the Fatigue.

I don’t really sleep. Most of the time my body just runs through Functional Seizure BlackOuts — it’s ironically not conscious enough long enough to actually GO to “sleep” on most days. Other times, I might get maybe 2 hours of it, and it mostly happens by accident… I certainly can’t MAKE myself sleep (being Autistic, that was never going to be the case, anyway). Any I get makes me feel worse, or at least Just The Same (which is Diabolically Shite). I NEVER feel “awake” — not even “awake-ish”, which was my norm previously — anymore.

——

Functional Neuropathic Disorder and Fibromyalgia Flareups are basically Permanent now, as a result of Force-Pushing my way through Almost IMPOSSIBLE Changes, which is the WORST thing one can do with these kinds of Chronic Illnesses. The Plethora of Crap that comes with that are all alive and well and WRECKING my Extremely Overwhelmed Body.

I’m at the level of Exhaustion where even JUST moving position of how I am sitting or lying down (as much as I can do) is enough to leave me spinning with Dizzy that makes me feel like I’m ON an Outrageous Alton Towers ride & fighting Overwhelming Nausea and Pain.

I am Forcing and Pushing my way through DEALING with EXTENSIVE & EXTREME AGONISING PAIN, Overwhelmingly MAJOR Hyper-Exhaustion, Brain-Melting levels of Vertigo & Nausea, and Immense Stress, whilst also feeling Extreme Anxiety, Distress and Frustration at having to GO through All Of This.

It’s also humiliating, dehumanising, demeaning, degrading, disgusting, sickening, and creates self-hatred like nothing else I’ve ever experienced before in my life…

Even Worse — I CANNOT even change when I need to, or even HAVE TO. I physically CAN’T MOVE or BE Moved — the Spasms are too rock-solid. This is what happens when FND is triggered, particularly through stress, distress and high-anxiety.

——

These things are then made SO Much Worse by my Autistic Brain, with the distress and confinement have to this situation AND my body, with no end in sight and ZERO ability to Change It, which then sees the situation as threatening and frightening — which causes no ends of Meltdowns and Shutdowns, in constant cycles, Because it’s absolutely TERRIFYING, — AND I am Utterly Damned Helpless to DO Anything about it, to Stop it from HARMING ME More.

… It’s not like Logic can dig me out of it, either — IT IS Bat-Crap TERRIFYING to be SO Imprisoned inside my own self, in a body that is Very QUICKLY Degenerating & Shutting Down MORE & MORE from This.

——

I’m also haemorrhaging a small fortune in incontinence products to DEAL with this. Getting NO Help from Urology for THAT, either, naturally. These things are NOT Cheap and it’s like BEING YOUR OWN DAMNED BABY. Worse — You’re Your Mother’s Damned Baby, 44 YEARS LATER. It’s so utterly Degrading & Demeaning a situation to be in — and one I SHOULDN’T even BE in.

——

I’m getting to the point where if my body doesn’t do it for me, I’ll end up doing it myself… I don’t want to — BUT I do NOT want to be PERMENANTLY CONFINED to my body in the way that I am now.

IF this doesn’t Return To How It Was Before… And THIS IS my “New Normal”… I think I’ll be seriously considering why my life IS worth living or continuing with anymore....