I’m deciding recommit myself to celibacy. Never was I more in tune with myself, my body and my creative thoughts and with God then when I was putting forth energy from thinking about sex and exchanging that same stored up energy through sex. It’s what’s needed for this next phase in my life and for me to go where I’m needed to go

i’m too in my head to live

If my mind wins just know i tried

But also im so grateful for the growth over these past 23 years of life. I’m happy for the few solid people in my life who are here for me and accept me. I appreciate the lessons i’ve learned, the ones that told me to not be afraid to learn new things, or even if im afraid do it anyway. The lessons that yelled at me that I need better boundaries and a healthier self image. The lessons that taught me to never let my whole self disappear into another.

Also this shit of “not taking life too serious” like… i get it but also, fuck that??? Cause i think you only get one life, and to take nothing too serious hasnt served me well. Its led to me joking about my feelings, laughing off great opportunities, half-assing shit and then boom, somebody else who took it serious and was hungry for it got it. I just feel like venting all this shit out right now.

man, i was right there at putting myself out there. i was so close, it sometimes seems like right when im about to show myself or what i can do something interrupts it. Why God?? Im trying to not be upset or take it personal, I’m trying to keep going, but maybe I do it to myself? Do i sabotage good things for me because I dont think I deserve them? But who who told me that, where did that come from and how did that even get reinforced? What do I do to break that belief?

Lately using my voice has felt tiring, thats how i know i need to turn love back within

Sometimes i think my trauma’s gonna swallow me up and keep me from my dreams

i think i might have adhd or add and it’s only been exacerbated since i’ve been out of school... all the things that I struggle with (like following through, execution, impulse control, bein late afUH) idk if it’s me tryna diagnose myself and I need to chill out or if it would explain a lot of things I thought were character flaws

I aint gone lie, I’m down bad over this one. I’m tryna keep my individuality but trying to be in a relationship and stay my own person, maintain boundaries and not just change up cause im with someone is tuff. I been tryna get back to where I thought was an unshakeable place of confidence and boundaries and boldness but it all feels kind of like paper maché you know? Growth but no tangible solid feeling of growth. These insecurities, ion like this feeling. At the same time I don’t wanna be a dummy.