Storch: Is Our âPlay Nice in the Sandboxâ Society Good for Our Community?
From the time we are children, we are taught to play nice in the sandbox. Share your toys. Take turns. Be kind. Avoid conflict. Those are valuable lessons that help children learn to function in groups and build friendships. When I was a sophomore in high school, I discovered Robert Fulghumâs book, âEverything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergartenâ. Those words resonated with me. Share everything. Play fair. Donât hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Nap. Nowadays, however, those same lessons can sometimes be taken to an extreme. Modern society increasingly rewards agreement and seems to discourage disagreement. Community leaders, elected officials, business people, nonprofits, and even everyday citizens often feel pressure to avoid conflict at all costs. Nobody wants to be labeled difficult, divisive, or controversial. As a result, many important conversations never happen. The question is worth asking: Is our âplay nice in the sandboxâ culture actually good for our communities? I think the answer is yes and no. Stick with me. Communities obviously benefit from civility. Respect matters. Listening matters. Treating others with dignity matters. It is all important. No community can thrive if every discussion turns into a shouting match. We see enough of that on television and social media. Good grief, donât believe me? Post a dissenting position on someoneâs social media. If you are really brave, try a news page. People become entrenched in their positions, refuse to listen, and view anyone with a different opinion as an enemy rather than a neighbor. Healthy communities require cooperation. Economic development projects, charitable initiatives, public safety efforts, and infrastructure improvements often depend upon people with different views finding ways to work together. Progress rarely occurs if everyone is fighting. At the same time, communities also suffer when everyone becomes so focused on getting along that nobody is willing to challenge ideas, ask difficult questions, or point out problems. History shows that meaningful progress often begins with disagreement. Every major improvement in society started because someone questioned the status quo. Someone challenged conventional thinking. Someone was willing to stand apart from the crowd and say, âThere may be a better way.â Communities need people who ask hard questions. There is nothing wrong with asking if taxpayer money being spent wisely? Are public officials being transparent? Are businesses receiving fair treatment? Are schools meeting the needs of students and the community? Are nonprofit organizations addressing the right priorities? These questions are not signs of division. They are signs of engagement. Unfortunately, our desire to maintain harmony sometimes creates an environment where questioning decisions can be viewed as criticism rather than participation. Individuals who raise concerns may be viewed as troublemakers. I know I have been a time or two (or 10). Citizens may choose to remain silent rather than risk upsetting friends, colleagues, or community leaders. That silence can be costly. When nobody is willing to challenge assumptions, mistakes go uncorrected. Weak ideas survive because nobody wants to create discomfort. Decisions become concentrated among a small group of people while others simply nod in agreement. Communities become stronger when diverse viewpoints are welcomed. That does not mean every disagreement should become a battle. It means people should feel comfortable expressing different opinions without fear of personal attacks or social isolation. The most successful organizations often embrace what has been called constructive feedback. Team members should be encouraged to challenge ideas while respecting one another. Better solutions emerge because people bring different experiences and perspectives to the table. The same principle applies to communities. Imagine a council meeting where every member votes the same way on every issue. At first glance, that might appear efficient. In reality, it may indicate that important questions are not being asked. Imagine a nonprofit where every proposal receives unanimous support without board discussion. That may feel harmonious, but it could also mean opportunities for improvement are being missed. Imagine a community where residents never speak up about concerns because they fear being criticized. Such a community may appear peaceful on the surface while underlying problems continue to grow. The goal should not be conflict for the sake of conflict. The goal should be honest dialogue. Respectful disagreement often produces better outcomes than superficial agreement. I spent many days disagreeing with friends and colleagues on the House floor. But the Body had rules and decorum. When the session was over, there were (often) no hard feelings, and we went back to being friends and colleagues. Many of us can think of people we respect even though we disagree with them on important issues. Those relationships remind us that disagreement does not have to destroy relationships. In fact, it can strengthen it. Strong communities are not built because everyone thinks alike. They are built because people care enough to engage with one another despite their differences. Perhaps the real lesson from the sandbox is not simply to play nice. Perhaps the lesson is to play fair. Playing fair means listening before responding. Playing fair means respecting the person even when disagreeing with the opinion. Playing fair means recognizing that no individual or organization has a monopoly on good ideas. Communities flourish when kindness and candor exist together. Too much conflict creates division. Too much avoidance creates stagnation. The challenge for modern communities is finding the balance between the two. We should absolutely treat one another with respect. We should absolutely seek common ground whenever possible. We should absolutely work together toward shared goals. At the same time, we should not be afraid to ask tough questions, challenge assumptions, and engage in thoughtful debate. A healthy community is not one where everyone always agrees. A healthy community is one where people can disagree with their neighbors and continue working together for the common good. That may be the most important sandbox lesson of all. Read the full article


















