murphy's law

And I don’t just mean in the way that all cancers are really anamolies.

I’m 23 years old. That’s a big one. Less than 4% of all cancer diagnoses are in patients between the ages of 20 to 39.

I have a cancer in a part of your body that you probably don’t even know you have. I’m in science and I didn’t even know what a thymus is or what it is supposed to do until 2 months ago.

I have a cancer that affects roughly 400 people in the United States a year. Think about that one for a second. I know more people than that! A lot more! And there’s not a chance in hell that I’m ever going to organically find someone to chat up about all of the unique aspects of my thymus cancer.

Within thymus cancer, it is broken down even more in categories. There are three types, called thymoma A, thymoma B, and thymic carcinoma (also sometimes called thymoma C). Thymoma A is benign and isn’t usually considered cancer. Thymoma B, which is what I’m “suspected” of having (as in, they haven’t ruled out C quite yet) has three classifications within it — B1, B2, B3. Each one is progressively more aggressive. Thymic carcinoma a death sentence though, the most scary and impossible to treat.

Most thymus cancer cases are in people above the age of 60. That’s a sick joke. Am I ever gonna find someone born after the 1980s to commiserate with how much all of this sucks?

It’s confusing for everyone around me because I don’t look like I’m sick. I actually didn’t show any symptoms. I went in for an earache and when my doctor couldn’t figure it out she ordered me a CT scan and there it was. My magnificent 7.5 cm tumor sitting right on top of my heart, both lungs, and my esophagus. And it a lot of ways it doesn’t feel like it should make sense, but it does scientifically. Your thymus doesn’t have a purpose after puberty, so it’s not actually providing a vital function that you would feel like it was messing up on. Most thymus cancer diagnoses come way too late, and at that point it’s almost always a death sentence regardless of the type.

So imagine finding another 23 year old who has thymus cancer B or C who speaks English who may not die from this but has no way of really knowing...

I’m currently undergoing IVF to freeze my eggs and will start chemotherapy in less than two weeks. It’s hopefully only four rounds of chemo, but then I will have a median sternotomy/thymectomy in March to remove whatever is left of my 7.5 cm tumor. If everything goes great, I can maybe shower myself and drive again in May or June.

I’m having trouble sleeping without running through all of the projects I need to work on the next day. It’s consuming me like a tidal wave and I’m unable to drag my head above water.

I can go through the day feeling normal, but then thoughts of you will threaten to overwhelm me in a heartbeat. How lost I feel without your warmth in my heart. How devastated I am without your heart in my hands.

I belong to you — utterly, wholly, fully. Without any expectations. Without any guarantees. Knowing that you will leave. I am half hope half despair, and I would give anything (everything) if only that you would accept me in your embrace.