Untold Sentiments

Around December, I started tracking my macros (protein and daily calorie intake) because I wanted to see if I was eating healthily.

Thanks to myfitnesspal for helping me in my fitness journey. I use both the app and the website, so I can log my food intake anywhere, and look at the website to see specifics of my Macros, like if I'm eating too much sugar or fatty food, or sodium.

I'm conscious and nerdy about macros like protein, calories, etc. so I make sure that log my food before every meal! Or after. I don't go to the gym but what I can do is track my daily intake so I'm ready.

It was one of my best decisions in 2022 because I believe we can eat whatever we want while aiming for that dream body. Here's to a healthier 2023!

Learning how to swim is difficult because humans are wired to walk with both feet. But diving into the ocean of our mind is a matter of survival when our thoughts overflow the trenches of our memories.

It was a cold December afternoon when I found myself slowly drowning again from a flurry of thoughts of memories past. Trying to focus on removing the stains from week-old unwashed utensils is not enough to wipe off the lingering memories. So, I let the memories flow like the running water in our sink.

In 2020, before the nationwide lockdown brought upon by the COVID-19 pandemic, I survived an overdose of my psych medications. At that point, I knew there would be a problem in school because I was barely hanging with all my courses at the time. Inevitably, I paid the price of self-neglect, and most of my present problems are caused by the side effects of dying due to my depression.

According to an article by Rappler, there is an increased case of deaths by self-harm in the Philippines amid the struggle of reopening the economy in the country because of the failed pandemic response [by the government] (Rivas, 2021).

Truth be told, I am still processing what happened in the last two years, because of all the personal and social issues I am dealing with. From learning experiences with the step-backs I have experienced in school, to taking a sabbatical because I needed it apparently -- a failed relationship because I was deeply unstable -- and the collective grief of losing a chance to have a better country because a son of a dictator cheated his way in the elections -- many unsaid things still drags me back into the depths of depression. Maybe depression is another way of seeing things, a dark ocean yet to be explored -- not feared.

But things are quite different now because I have my therapist to help me navigate the ocean of fear in my mind. I'm very thankful to Doc Hannah because she has been very patient with me for about two years now. More importantly, I owe this to my friends and family, who I deeply care about despite the issues in between -- they are the lifeline I hold on to whenever there is that sinking feeling.

Cold, it was still the same December afternoon. Finally, I stopped the flowing water from the sink as I retire washing the once-stained dishes. Sure, I haven't really finished cleaning them all, but eventually, I will. My relationship with medication is still complicated as ever despite being treated for my mental illness for about four years as of writing.