Lazy Philadelphia Reviews

Hello. This isn’t a restaurant review. This is about candy. Don’t read it if you don’t want to I don’t care. I don’t get paid to do this it is basically to make myself laugh and to send to Paul because he can never remember what this website is called.

These are the candies that old people have / eat. And what I think of them.

Good N Plenty – inedible. Poisonous. This is what they give to kids in the hospital after they eat paint and they need to make you throw up so you don’t die. These should be called Bad N Few. At least be honest.

Speaking of puke on my walk to work today I saw a lady puke on the side of a building it was awesome.

Werthers Original – I don’t know why they have to call these the original. Nobody is copying them. Nobody has ever copied them. I don’t know what their flavor is but it’s not appealing. It’s like a poor man’s butter scotch which isn’t great either.

Strawberry Wrapped Strawberry Hard Candy – I love these. I love the packaging. It shows you what you’re gonna get. A strawberry wrapped strawberry hard candy. I also love the shit in the middle when you bite into it, that blast of moisture that gushes into your mouth. It’s like an angel jizzed or squirted into your mouth, whatever your sexual preference.

Nat said these come in hickory farms meat boxes which is outrageous and hilarious at the same time.

Purple Lavender Candies – I am not sure if this is even a real thing or just a thing I saw in a movie or in a dream one time. I think they are big in Europe which is like a whole different country. The thing about these purple candies is that they taste like perfume which is not something you want to be eating a lot of unless youre one of the drunks on that show Intervention. Love that show.

Green Spearmint Jellies – These are gross. You bite into them and it leaves that weird tooth mark? You know the ones. These are like what you eat after dinner in a restaurant to help your digestion. These are a decoration only.

Speaking of decorations.

Ribbon Candy – old people keep this in their fancy crystal dish and its just for décor youre not supposed to try to eat it, but that’s what kids do is try to eat stuff. One time when I was a kid I ate a Lego. The best is when you try to grab this stuff and it shatters all in your hands and all over your Christmas sweater. Ribbon candy is like weapons grade sharpness. Its like trying to eat shrapnel. I hate it. But god damn if I don’t respect it.

Cinnamon Dots and Butterscotchs – If you eat both of these at the same time, both hard candies, it forms what my dad calls a “hot setup” and the flavors are amazing. I used to eat them all the time but then my teeth started to like hurt randomly lol.

Ice Blue Menthol Hard Candies – Grandparents love these. Grand dads carried these with them in France when they were fighting the Axis powers. They are basically medicine. It’s like eating vicks vap o rub. Good for a cough. Bad for food.

Bit O Honey – I don’t even know what to say about these except that I am not eating it. I don’t even look at this like a food. It’s like all the people you pass on the street when youre walking to or from somewhere. You don’t even realize they are people. They are just obstacles. Bit O Honey is just an obstacle that gets in the way of you eating actual good candy.

Circus Peanuts – I don’t now where you would find these things, they just like, appear in old people’s parlors next to the couch with the plastic on it. Has anyone ever eaten one of these? I never have. I have no idea what these are like. They are like a movie prop, or like the punchline of a joke. 0/10

Orange Slices – Ok these are like the spearmint gummies, I used to LOVE these when I was like 13 I would get them at 7/11 when I wasn’t digging through their dumpster for discarded HUSTLER magazines. But I don’t think I could eat one of these things now. I would probably get diabetes instantly. Like this would be my body’s final straw.

Reisens – Ive never found one good reason to eat a Reisens.

Rolos – This is like, maybe not old people candy but it sucks in earnest anyways. What a shit candy. When was the last time you saw someone purchase a Rolos on purpose? How does that candy survive in this economy?

Atomic Warheads – I am including this one because it is the opposite of old people candy. This is young man candy. This is the snapchat of candy. Imagine trying to explain Warheads to your grandparents. “its not like, good, its pretty gross, it hurts, but yeah.” They would just shake their heads and go back to watching price is right and voting for trump.

Orange and Black wrapped peanut chew things – These are revolting. I cant imagine a reason to eat one of these things. They are always what’s left over after you go through all the good shit you got on Halloween. They are the Mr Irrelevant of candy. Final pick in every draft. I wouldn’t give these to my dog. And he likes peanut butter but he deserves better. He deserves better.

Here is me and my dog this Halloween we are lumberjacks.

Candy Cigarettes – These are awesome. IDK if you can find these anywhere anymore but they were great. I loved the bubble gum ones bc you could actually blow like what looked like smoke out of them. They don’t sell these anymore if you want to be cool like we used to back then you have to do other things like vape and eat laundry detergent pods.

Dots on paper – What is the point of these? What is the point of that paper? That is just a waste of paper. Also you always end up eating paper. Eating paper! This is the CVS receipt of candy. This is a good candy to eat if you hate the environment. This candy makes Greta Thunberg upset.

Those Little Wax Soda Bottles – Idk if these are old ppl candy but I wanted to mention them bc I used to like these as a kid. Lemme sip a little of that green syrup then seal that bottle up for later. Gonna sip a little more of that action later. Love these things. Love chewing wax. I could go for one of these right now.

Necco Wafers – This is just old candy, not necessarily old people, its just fucking old. I love it though! Nice and chalky. Chalk one up for me. Except not the chocolate ones those are bad. But I can get down with a Necco wafer.

Tootsie Rolls – These are worthless. Let me ask you a question. What the hell is the flavor of a tootsie roll. Is it chocolate? It’s like some discount rack chocolate taffy and its not good at all its just irritating and don’t get me started on the different color ones like the orange tootsie roll just stop. It’s the 90s now. It’s time to grow up Gossip Girl.

Ok that’s all that I can think of right now. Let me know if I forgot something that you hate. I love hearing about things that you hate. Good n Plenty sucks and now I am like visibly angry about it.

Hello. Thanks for coming back.

This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review for Abbaye, in Northern Liberties Philadelphia.

First, I would like you to know that I got a new laptop, because I spilled coffee on my old one, and it broke. So then I bought this new one, and then magically, immediately, that very same day, my old one fixed itself. So I spent 1500 dollars on nothing really, because this new Macbook Air sucks and my old Macbook air works better and I actually like it more, because this one, the keyboard sucks and sometimes it types extra letters on accident, so if my spelling gets even worse…blame the keyboard of this new macbook air, which sucks.

Okay so I am back to writing these restaurant reviews. It’s been awhile. Well it’s been like 2 hours, since I just posted one about how I got sick from Pura Vida, who tried to kill me, so I guess everything happens for a reason, including attempted homicide.

So I haven’t written in awhile before that, because I’ve been busy being a freelance writer, so that means I don’t have what some people would call a “full time job” and let me enlighten you to the fact that health insurance doesn’t pay for itself, neither does my rent, and neither does my brand new pristine and sexual 355 horsepower Audi S4 that does 0-60 in 4.1 seconds but may be even faster than that, I don’t know because the pot holes around here are terrible.

OKAY SO!

ABBAYE: First, I would like to get out of the way that this place is close to my house. Like very close. So I have been here many many times. And many of those times, I don’t remember very well, because they serve alcohol and they stay open late. But this is a restaurant review, not a bar review, and not a review of the fact that maybe I have an alcohol problem which is none of your business and besides, what’s it like to be perfect, asshole?

Okay so I eat a lot of food. Sometimes multiple times a day. And one of my favorite foods is a burger, but i don’t really fuck with dairy, so I am not a cheeseburger guy. So let’s get that out of the way right up front here. You can freak out about it all you want, but the way I see it, that just means more cheese for you, that I won’t be eating. Yes I love pizza, maybe, maybe I am allergic to lactose, I don’t know all the answers here, but I stay away from dairy okay? 

Okay now that that is out of the way, I have to say that for my money, Abbaye has the best burger in Philly. And yes, really it is for my money, because they don’t give me anything for free there, I have to pay money for everything. I don’t get anything for free around here, I have to live and eat like every other strap hanger and it’s not fair but it is what it is.

Abbaye is pronounced like Abby, and not like Ay-Bay-Bay, despite what any recently graduated Temple sorority matriarch will tell you, although that song is pretty good now that I think about it. Well, now that I think about it again it’s not really very good at all.

Abbaye always has like 12 beers on tap, so you can get a wide variety of beers there that are mostly ales but they always have like one cider, and a lager or two, which I prefer. They also have lots of bottles available. You may even classify this place as a “bar” and probably nobody would correct you or anything, unless they’re people who have to correct everything WHICH REALLY GETS OLD AND DEMORALIZING, MOM, OKAY?

Hey do you like dirtbikes? I was just thinking about the old dirtbike I had as a teenager that thing was awesome. Not too many places to ride dirtbikes in Philly though unless you’re one of those guys who ride up and down the street doing wheelies and scaring pedestrians and cars and white people of all shapes and sizes.

Other things you can eat at the Abbaye include … hmm I am not really sure bc I always get the burger, but hey, I just remembered my old girlfriend Alexandra, her favorite food probably ever was the seitan wings from Abbaye, and the vegan cheesesteak as well. One time she saw Legally Blonde then decided to become a lawyer and that’s what she is now, even though she is very short!

Abbaye is equipped with two (2) unisex bathrooms, and both of them have mirrors all over the place, reflecting off each other, into infinity, which is very startling if you come into Abbaye under the influence of questionable yet very effective hallucinogenic substances you took with the band at a huge concert at Union Transfer which caused you to have to leave the show during the performance of one of your favorite bands because you were considering running up onto the stage in the middle of their show to really experience the whole psychedelic vibe with them in person. Just letting you know, if you partake in that sort of thing. Totally random suggestion!

I have met the weekend nightly bartender at Abbaye approximately 3,000 times and I am pretty sure his name is one of the following:

1)    Dave

2)    Steve

3)    Brian?

4)    Steve?

5)    It’s Dave, right?

It may be absolutely something else but I’m sorry about that if it’s not Dave. Dave? Is it Dave?

So what else! Abbaye has a GREAT brunch that’s very affordable and has mimosas and big old bloody marys if you can’t get into Honey’s, which always has a wait, or Green Eggs, which also always has a wait. You should check out my review of Honey’s for information on, you know, Honey’s. But like I said, you probably can’t get in.

Hey have you ever seen We’re The Millers? This movie is pretty damn funny! “What, oh my Orca? I bought an Orca! I make a lot of money!”

Okay so Abbaye has this waiter and his name is Jorge. Pronounced HORE hay. And he is the nicest, most hardworking dude I have ever met in my entire life. I am not sure where he is from or how old he is, or what country he is from, but he is one of the greatest people I have ever met in my entire life. So when you go there, ask for Jorge, and talk with him awhile, I swear to god you will love this dude. In fact, a couple weeks ago, me Nick and Bernie went in there and Jorge was working and all of a sudden this dude is legit JACKED. Like in a matter of months, he somehow became DIESEL like … I dunno Vin Diesel. And I was like “Jorge what the fuck dude, you’re a muscle god demon now and you could twist anyone in this place into a pretzel, what the fuck dude?” And he was like “I eat right, I lift, are you ready to order?” JORGE!!! THE BEST!

Okay so this one has been super long. Check out the Abbaye, it’s one of my favorites.

ABBAYE! Go for the burger, stay for the beers, experience and admire Jorge!

I GOT SPICE POISONED.

OK so you all know i love spicy foods. I put tabasco or cholula on everything and i dont eat anything without it. I love spicy. Indian, wings, whatever. Spice it up. I even watch the Spice channel through the blurred lines.

So Friday night i went to dinner with a friend we went to Pura Vida which is a mexican place near my house that i love. USED TO love.

Okay so it was busy and the owner was kinda flustered on all his tables. This guy is a questionable waiter anyways even on his good days but that's not the point. I know being a server is very hard, I did it for awhile and was very bad at it when I was a teenager. I have the utmost compassion and understanding for that profession and everyone at my work and all my friends know that I am super polite and nice to all my servers, always. I get it.

So I don't eat any dairy really except for pizza, because everyone eats pizza. So I was like can you tell me what's in the burrito, bc i dont want cheese, or sour cream, okay? I don't hate mexican cheese it'll just make me uncomfortabel. I HATE sour cream though. Okay so I was like whats in the burrito he was like meat, rice, beans, and cheese. I was like okay can i get it without cheese. And he was like no dairy? And I was like yeah, no dairy.

Ok so it comes out, and i start eating it, and this burrito has meat, beans, rice, guacamole that i didn't order in it because i dont like it inside of a burrito but thats besides the point, and it's like FULL of sour cream. So right away I start like.. getting repulsed, because like I said, that is a food that makes me physically revolted.

So i said to my friend "did i say no dairy" my friend said "you said no dairy." So i was like okay im not gonna eat this lemme just get the check.

So i had to wave the dude down, who i said, was flustered, and i get it, but like, i didnt order that food and also i hate it.

So i was like i said no dairy. He got pissed. He goes "YOU SAID NO CHEESE" my friend and me are like...speechless. He is so pissed off. So I was like "ill just get the check its fine" and he is like NO. I WILL MAKE YOU A NEW ONE. TO GO.

So he came back with my food wrapped up and i was like okay if you insist and i still tipped like 7 dollars on a 30 dollar tab because if you don't tip 20%+ always no matter what then fuck you.

Ok so fast forward to yesterday. I slept in, feeling good, doing freelance work, writing a website, I decide im hungry, and i remember i have a fresh burrito in the fridge, and i get a food boner and im all excited.

So i microwave it, put some tabasco on it, (hot sauce always, like i mentioned) and i dig in. Took a bite. Took 2 bites. (it's got guacamole in it again but that's not the point that's not dairy)

Instantly I know something is wrong. My mouth is in pain. Like severe pain. I had swallowed 2 bites and i run over to the sink and i have my mouth under the faucet, just letting the water run into and spill out of my mouth. I don't have any milk to fight the spicy (i dont eat dairy). So I am just spitting and trying to get that ghost pepper poison or whatever just out of my mouth.

So then my body is like hey by the way you swallowed some of that poison, not sure if you know that, but we are gonna just go ahead and help you out with that and get that out so then I like run to my toilet and I'm getting SICK!!!

Like that is how you know I am not kidding here. If something is too spicy, that is a matter of taste and whether or not you are a punk bitch and I ain't no punk bitch. My body identified this substance that I was served, as a food, and paid for, as poison, and ejected it out of my body.

It didnt get it all out though and still, a day later, I can feel it burning inside me. Devvy Ding Dongs from across the street popped outside with some pedialyte to save my life yesterday.

Okay so I don't want to post this on his page, on the Northern Liberties Page, or Yelp, or whatever, because I don't want to hurt this guy's business because that's his life and I get it.

But like, I haven't been that sick in years and it was one of two explanations.

1- he was pissed off because im a shitty customer (im not) 2 - his spicy salsa is inedible and poisonous.

Either way, you should consider that before choosing to eat at Pura Vida at 6th and Fairmount.

Hello. 

My name is Elliot. 

Today we are going to talk about Honey’s.

The actual title of the restaurant is “Honey’s Sit ‘n Eat” which right off the bat is fucking weird because chairs and tables are the #2 and #3 requirements that I require in a restaurant besides food. (Food is #1) (I actually have a “Food is #1” tattoo across my lower back but that is a different story for a different day)

So ya, right off the bat you know youre not going to be standing, which is nice, that’s a priority for me, but what you might not know is that Honeys is a Jewish Breakfast Restaurant, which is just like a regular breakfast restaurant except the food is WAY better and it watches MSNBC.

Here is the logo of Honeys which I think is supposed to reference Hebrew letters?

All the wait staff at Honeys looks like Haim.

“Welcome to Honeys, table for one? You’re lookin’ at about fifteen twenty minutes.”

So I mean, that could explain why I go there every day, or it could be because Honey’s is literally one block away from my house and I like the coffee there. It is only a buck. A BUCK. I always give them two bucks though, and one time, (out of like 500 times that I have been there) I only had a buck on me instead of two bucks so I was like “I will give you a tip tomorrow, Im in here every day” and Haim was like “Sure pal. Sure you will.” God dammit they hate me!

One time a couple years ago I dated a Muslim girl for a very long time and we wanted to get married and her dad said “Nope.jpg.” because I am not Muslim. This has nothing to do with Honeys But I dodged a bullet with that girl because she was from North Jersey and even though she worked in times square and made a lot of money she spent a lot of time, and even more money, at Sephora, and would just leave me standing outside the store like a sucker for hours. And one time it was on my birthday. Which is Christmas Eve.

Hey, did I lose you? Come back! Okay we will get back on topic, I promise!!!

OKAY so at Honey’s, a unique insight about this place, and this was spoken by my friend Nick, and it is that they have all the same regular breakfast foods as everyone else, but everything they have is better. The eggs are better. The bacon is better. The potatoes are better. They kiss better. They have like every sauce you could ever want on your table, which is better. Everything at Honeys is like insanely quality and it tastes like the first time i saw Inception. I guess that is why its so good? Because of the quality? I don’t know any other reason why it is so good I cant really explain it but like, in the city, you can get breakfast at any bar really, but this place is consistently PACKED and if you have more than like, 2 people, expect to be waiting outside the restaurant like a bum for an hour playing Candy Crush while the stoned hipsters finish eating in slow motion while The Cars “Moving In Stereo” plays in their heads.

So my friend Nick, who whenever he comes to town, we make it a point to eat at Honeys, I was like hey I am writing this thing about Honeys let me know if you want to throw a joke into this review and he said:

“The only joke, when it comes to Honeys, is the competition.”

which, hey, im serious when I say it’s the best breakfast place in town and its not even close. But if I am being completely honest I was expecting something funny out of Nick but seriously we don’t fuck around when it comes to Honeys. Fuck around and get your chain snatched by Aqib Talib.

Ok so at Honeys their signature dish is called the Breakfast Bomb. I am not really sure what it is because I have never even gotten past the name, because I do not eat anything with the word “bomb” in the title of it. But from what I have heard, it is a monstrous layer of dough that is stuffed with, and practically exploding with, all sorts of shit, which to me is unappealing because it sounds exactly like how I describe the president.

One time I had lunch at Honeys, not breakfast, but lunch, and I had a BLT or something and it was just fine. So you have to go for BREAKFAST, not lunch, if you want to have your metaphorical genitals licked with deliciousness.

Honeys is BYOB, but if you are bringing alcohol with you to breakfast I have questions about your life and what has led you to these particular circumstances. 

Ok so Honeys is  CASH ONLY which is something that always pisses me off because lets be honest, it’s the fucking NINETIES now, people, so get with the program. One time though I went over to the ATM, which they do have there, an ATM, and went to take money out, and someone had left 20 dollars in the machine on accident. So what I did was I took that 20 and gave it to my server (not Haim, this was a dude this one time) as a way of paying it forward, which is EXTREMELY easy to do when you are using other people’s money and not your own, you know, money.

Hey St. Patricks day is coming up. Did I tell you that I am starting a company that places Port O Potties outside Irish Bars on that day? Yeah I am going to call it “Urine Luck”.

Thanks everybody, that’s it for me tonight, you’ve been an incredible audience. Go to Honey’s but go during the week, they open at like 6 or something so if you don’t want to wait outside like a vagrant, that is when you should go.

Honeys! They have seats there! Unfortunately you’re lookin at about thirty forty five minutes. 

Sup i am your host Elliot and this is a Lazy Philadelphia Review for Karma.

Today we are going to be reviewing the restaurant Karma. Now, if you ever watched the show Jersey Shore, you know that they always go to this place called Karma. That is a different Karma. I do not go to the Karma that Vinny Guadagningo goes to, the place in Seaside Heights New Jersey where you can drink 9 vodka sodas and take a shit behind a decorative tree. This is a different Karma, as I mentioned, although I am sure Vinny is a fine person in real life and that he cares about women’s rights and hates climate change.

Ok so this Karma, this one is in Philadelphia, which is where I live, which is appropriate because if I were writing this website from someplace like Montana that would be illogical. The first time I went there I went with one of my friends Amanda who this is the favorite restaurant of and insisted that i try it. And I have been back two times since then. And that was three days ago.

Ok so Karma is an Indian restaurant. Do you like Indian food? Because if you do not, this would probably not be an appropriate choice for you. They do not have like, french fries and spaghetti or any of the other things my friend’s two year old daughter orders whenever she comes to dinner with us before deciding she isn’t hungry and darting off to hide under a pile of rusty knives or to purposefully climb something that says DO NOT CLIMB on it. No, Indian food requires a more sophisticated palate. And by “sophisticated palate” i mean “ability to not start crying after eating anything spicier than Ellios Pizza.

That reminds me of this story that my friend told me like probably 15 years ago he was in the navy or something and they were going through boot camp, and they were all eating lunch or something in the mess hall, and this one girl, apparently boot camp was difficult for her and she was having a hard time, so she started crying while eating her food and like six drill sergeants ran up to her banging trays together and screaming and one of them yelled “DOBBS!!! WHAT IS THE MATTER!!!! IS THE FRENCH DRESSING TOO SPICY FOR YOU!!!!”

And I think that is probably like top 50 favorite stories for me and i know a lot of stories.

Okay so the first time I went there, my friend Amanda took me there. I had to try this place, she said. “You HAVE to try this place” were her exact words because she said she eats it for breakfast lunch and dinner. Ok that is an exaggeration because if you are eating Indian food for breakfast you have some problems and I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but Indian food for breakfast aint one.

Ok so Amanda is a good friend and she used to live in Israel but somehow she doesn’t speak Hebrew but she knows good food so i trusted her and she did not disappoint me. She did disappoint me however when she said she only wanted to be “friends” but that is besides the point. We are not here to talk about my love life. That would be a very unfunny website.

Okay so when you walk into Karma there is a bar in front which is great because if you are like me you like to get fucked up. Then you walk down this long hallway to the restaurant seating area and you walk past the kitchen and if you are like me, all the cooks were like HI HOW ARE YOU when i walked by and that made me feel great because I felt very welcome there and it only took a little while to realize that they were talking to Amanda and not me but it still felt great at the time, if I am being completely honest.

At Karma the wait staff wears black t-shirts that say “Got Karma?” in white type which is an interesting choice because that is a reference to a twenty five year old advertising campaign but hey, we’re not here to judge, we’re here to eat. Okay we are also here to judge, if I am being completely honest. I go everywhere to judge. They call me Aaron Judge, that’s how much i judge. Nobody calls me that. That was a lie.

Okay so the first thing you do at any restaurant is order drinks and i got something called the Indian Iced Tea which is basically a long island iced tea but since you're eating Indian food here, if you are following me here, it’s an Indian iced tea. A long island iced tea is basically all of the liquors in one drink which is a great thing to drink to help you not have to think about your problems and focus on just doing one thing at a time, starting with ordering food, which is kind of complicated at Karma.

This is the inside of Karma. It kinda looks like that still but without those same people there. Also that is not me.

Ok so RE the menu... Im not saying that the menu at Karma is like Cheesecake Factory, but they have a LOT of items. So I basically let Amanda pick what we were going to get. And then I said no to all of that and just got the most basic of Indian items because despite how fat that I am, i am kind of picky about what I eat. So we got the kind of basic stuff: Naan. Samosas. Chicken Tikka Masala. and Lamb Vindaloo.

They have optional levels of spice at Karma. Mild (mild) Medium (very spicy) Spicy (inedible) Indian Spicy (primarily used as a disinfectant) and finally Karma Spicy, which is mainly used in the wild as grizzly bear repellant. So we got a level 4 out of 10, and I only cried a small amount.

This is a lazy blog and whatever and its not very serious but i have to tell you that the food at Karma is fucking incredible. Spectacular. The best Indian food I have ever had in my life and it isn’t particularly close.

The one thing about Karma that isn't perfect is that it’s kinda expensive I thought. Like you don't get a TON of food, which of course is something that I like because I am fat, so dinner for two is going to cost you about 100 dollars or more, which is standard at any good restaurant. At Karma it is worth it and worth it ten times over. But usually for Indian food I am used to paying like 6 dollars for all I can eat and this is NOT that kind of place.

Amanda, since she goes there every day, knows the manager, and he gives her the hook up. He wasn't there, though, when we went, but i think somehow she STILL got the hook up! Which is great! I LOVE getting the hook up!

Then the next time I went I actually got to meet the manager, I think his name is Mani or Meni or Manny or Many or something Im not sure I did not ask him how to spell it because that is not a thing that you do when you meet someone unless you want people to dislike you.. He seems like a very cool and generous and stylish and handsome and cool guy who drives a fancy car and can get any woman that he wants and I am not only saying that because I would also like the hook up, but it is true that I would also like the hook up. Hook it up!

In all seriousness, this is the best Indian food in Philadelphia. And maybe anywhere.

Karma! Eat it! But don’t go there! It’s for me only! (and Amanda.)

Sup. I am Elliot and this is a lazy Philadelphia review about the sushi restaurant called Hikari. It is so lazy that I didn’t even capitliaze correctly the name of this blog, or web series or whatever this is. Also didn’t bother to spell capitalize correctly. That is the kind of review this is gonna be.

So it has been awhile since I have done a restaurant review here. Why? That is none of your business.

Okay so let’s get into it.

Hikari is a sushi place in my neighborhood where I live. It is the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia which used to be cool but is now only cheap yet somehow expensive new construction inhabited by loud entitled yupster assholes arguing with each other in online message boards about dog shit and bicycle theft.

So like I used to go to this other sushi place in my neighborhood but then this guy started working there who used to be a cashier at my local bodega, like ten years ago, and I don’t want him to recognize me and be like “how you been” so I just stopped going there entirely and needed a new sushi place.

So this place Hikari is on the other side of my neighborhood but it is under new management and I wasn’t doing anything Sunday night except fucking off until the Eagles game so I was like I should go try it.

I had been there before. It was fine. But like I said, I needed to get away from this guy who was going to try to like...ask me how ive been, so I was willing to give it another shot. I had heard it is under new management or whatever. So I went out and got a couple expensive fancy Japanese beers and walked there, which was a bad idea because I was basically wearing pajamas and it is December. But if you think I am going to put on pants on a Sunday you better think again, kemosabe. 

Ok so I went in and sat at the sushi bar and was greeted by the chef. He did not speak English. This is a picture of him i found on the internet.

So the first thing he did was basically fangirl over the beers I brought in, which he had never seen before, and quite frankly im not sure he had ever seen beer itself before because he was ASTOUNDED that I could somehow get Japanese beers into America, of all places, but then told me that I should be drinking Whiskey instead, and I was like relax bro it’s Sunday night and I still have the Leaving Las Vegas shakes from Friday night let’s downshift a gear.

Ok so I need to repeat the fact to you that this man does not speak English. I am not judging in any way whatsoever, but it is definitely part of the experience when you are sitting there trying to make conversation with a dude who is touching your food with his bare hands and holding a knife, so you need to try to understand him, but it is very difficult, like I would pick up one word per sentence and try to piece it all together. It is like when you are talking to a really beautiful girl in a bar but she already had 5 double Titos and Seltzer and she just wants to text her ex but she knows she shouldn’t but you know what she is going to do it because it doesn’t bother her anymore and he doesn’t even mean anything and Jason like doesn’t even exist to her anymore and its fine, no seriously its fine. Its fine. Its fine! Its fine. Shes fine. Shes fine. Shes totally fine. Jason fucked her over and it is his loss and seriously it is fine.

So anyways you gotta be that guy just standing there trying to be polite but really just wanting to get away. From the girl, not the sushi chef. I was v hungry.

So the first thing he said was something about appetizers and I was like hell ya dude so he produced some pork and chive dumplings that were excellent. Seriously they were great.

Oh shit I almost forgot to describe the inside. It is small. There is only a few tables and there are girls wearing black shirts who are the wait staff. There is some like, remixed 90’s dream pop playing over the speakers, which is great if you like to listen to Portishead while eating dangerous sea creatures.

Ok so I don’t know if you knew this about me but I do not eat mayo. I think it is like sour devil jizz of the devil and I do not fuck with it under any circumstances. So when I was ordering my sushi combo I was like do not give me any of that spicy mayo I wont stand for it, so make it like plain tuna rolls w my combo or whatever…

Basically what I am trying to say here is that I was being very particular (demanding) with this poor man who is just trying to make an honest living.

So then my food came out and like, instead of the mayo tuna roll, he had replaced it with an eel roll, which is something that I had mentioned earlier that I liked. I didn’t even ask for it. He just read my mind. Ok well I had mentioned it earlier so its not like he is psychic but he obviously understood me WAY better than I understood him, which is not easy because I am from Worcester Massachusetts and our accent isn’t described by anyone to be delicate whatsoever.

The Worcester accent is like if the Boston accent drank nine 4LOKOS and somebody brought up the fact that they think Tom Brady isn’t the best of all time. It is like the words beat the shit out of each other within my mouth and then come out all bruised up with child services on their ass.

Ok so since I am fat, that food, which is enough food for 2 people so far, was not enough for me so I was like “can I get an octopus roll too?” and he was like sure. So then he really got to work.

Here is the thing about octopi. They are super smart and can change colors and solve puzzles. I love them. But they are hideous looking so throw those tentacles on some rice and let’s party. No mayo.

Okay so like, when he was making this Octopus action, I have never seen anyone put more care into anything. He was like slicing it into pieces, then like had them all arranged in a little plate, then he brought out a mini blowtorch and was like blowtorching them I was like dude im already impressed don’t try too hard. Then he hands me a special octopus hand roll, another thing that I did not order, to eat, and it was good, but then my actual octopus sushi came out and that was good too.

The two best things that I ate there, besides the dumplings which were excellent and I am a dumpling expert, were the salmon and then some kind of pickled whitefish?

The salmon, he explained to me in great and careful detail, is from either Norway, Scotland, or a farm. I have no idea what he said. 

I hope he didn’t end up texting Jason. He can do so much better. 

But yea the place is great. Check it out. 

Hikari! The things you didn’t order taste great!

Double Knot

Sup this is a lazy Philadelphia review for Double Knot. I went there last week. Or maybe it was two weeks ago. Recently? Idk I am not wearing a watch right now.

Double Knot is a restaurant in Philadelphia. You probably knew that because you are at this site. It is in the name of the site itself.

Also I haven’t written a review here in awhile and for my excuse as to why, again, look no further than the title of this site.

Ok as I was saying before you distracted me, I went to double knot. Now, I have been to double knot before but it was for lunch. So what happened was one person at my work was like want to go to lunch and I didn’t know many other places around so I was like fine whatever. And I got a bowl of noodles and shrimp but it was cold. Like cold on purpose. So I was like well this has been a huge waste of time and then I was still hungry.

Like if you leave a restaurant hungry then something went wrong. Real talk. Do your job, bro.

Ok so the name Double Knot comes from the old ancient term “double knot” which means to have two knots, or to have one knot that you tie two times so that it is stronger and more annoying to untie when you finally get home at the end of the day and all you want to do is take off your boots.

“the best thing about having boots is, at the end of the day, taking off said boots” – mike smith

One thing I like to do with Double Knot is I like to call it Knot Knot. Get it? This joke brought to you by your uncle who is visiting for the holidays. 

Ok so when you are at Double Knot you will learn that one of their specialities is Cold Noodles which is fine if you like food that has not been cooked instead it is just ingredients. What I like to do is get the Cold Noodles to go, then I take them home to my house and I pop them in the microwave for awhile and then I get what I affectionately like to call “noodles” and it is honestly MUCH better. 

That reminds me of the Lettuce Wraps that Ronnie B invented where what it is is a really nice Lettuce Wrap that he pops into a hoagie roll and that is the way he does a lettuce wrap which is far more delicious if you ask me because Bread is first team all pro when it comes to sandwiches and I am not accepting any @ at this time about it to be honest if I am being perfectly honest right now. 

Speaking of the menu, did you read my lazy Philadelphia review for Sampan? It is the same menu. In fact, my friend that I went to Double Knot with was actually supposed to meet me at Sampan but she accidentally went to Double Knot and I was like it’s fine don’t worry about it seriously. 

Here is another fun fact about Double Knot. It has a basement that you have to like, wait to get into, like you are waiting in like to get into A Night At The Roxbury. Like it has people at the door wearing ear pieces like they are the secret service of douche bro basement lounges. Then when you actually get down there it’s just more restaurant. Like I was hoping there would be something actually interesting to see down there due to the level of heightened security that it takes to get in, like that part in Independence Day when they are like hey by the way we have this secret alien space ship that we’ve been sitting on for a few years come check it out. But nope it’s just more cold noodles!

So when I was at Knot Knot I ordered the edamame dumplings, because, again, that is the best thing at sampan and I am not going to continue to hammer home the point that I can not really identify the difference between these places. 

Double Knot is moderately priced. This type of information is important to people like you who are poor.

Ok so at the end of eating at Double Knot, I did the thing that I like to do when I finish eating at a restaurant and that is this:  leaving. Ok so Then the craziest thing happened. When I left I had a text on my phone. And it said “get the dumplings” and it was from Mike Smith! He was in there same time as me isn’t that crazy. Mike Smith is a cool dude I used to know back in the day and he is a designer and one time he was so really excited about getting a baseball cap in the mail that he kept calling the post office to see if it got delivered yet and the next day he wore it to work and it looked like the hat your dad wears to the fireworks on fourth of july when he is carrying all those lawn chairs up the sidewalk. Mike Smith is the best. 

Ok! Double Knot! The noodles are cold but Mike Smith goes there. 

Hello. This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review of Serpico. I ate dinner there the other night.

Serpico is a restaurant. You might think that it is an Italian restaurant. That is because I thought it was an Italian restaurant but it is not an Italian restaurant.

Okay I was really excited for Serpico but mostly that is because, like I mentioned, I thought that it is an Italian restaurant and that is probably my favorite kind of food besides beer. But it is a Korean small plates French inspired “inspired” small plates cuisine destination kind of thing. And usually small plates don’t cost $38 dollars each and yet here we are folks.

Also Serpico sounds like Scorpio which is the name of the killer in Dirty Harry and that movie kicks awesome in the ass and whistles in its ears.

Ok so I went to Serpico with 3 (three) other people which is weird for me because I do not have any friends. So the first thing the waiter says is “have you dined with us before” and I always lie and say yes because I don’t like the wait staff ever thinking I am some punkass first timer bro I aint no punk bitch. But he could tell that I was already confused by the menu, probably because I was holding it upside down and saying “Interesting!” a lot.

OK so the waiter suggests that each person order 5 plates (of food) each and after looking at the prices for awhile and doing some quick math in my head, I decided to take out a reverse mortgage on the house my father built that he still lives in to be able to eat there.

I let all the other people I was with do the ordering. That is because every item on the menu sounds super gross.

(before I continue let me just say that this was one of the best meals that I have ever had in my life. But this is not sincere and insightful reviews. This is lazy reviews. Let’s get back to talking shit.)

Ok so yea everything sounds fucking weird and gross. Like the dude was like “the special tonight is a 5 minute egg, which is a rotten old egg that we hard boil and it turns brown then we leave it on the counter over night then throw 15 different kinds of mushrooms on it and it looks ridiculous and you’re going to love it. That’s for 47 dollars.”

So obviously we got that.

We also got something called egg custard and chicken and snail lasagna which features both chicken and…you guessed it…snails. Like I am serious that everything has at least one fucked up confusing element to it but by the time we ordered I already had like 4 whiskey drinks and I would have eaten cat food at that point and I am not positive that I didn’t and I probably loved it.

Other things I got that I don’t understand: ceviche, some sort of meat tataki, (all of those things are raw) and like, salmon, then short ribs, then like…some egg thing seriously man I don’t really know it all happened really fast and I generally prefer food that is, you know, cooked, so like I just kept my mouth shut except to put food in there.

OK so finally the dude comes around again and he is like “would you like to look at the dessert menu” and I was just like just bring all the desserts nothing you say makes sense anyways. So he brought them all OH this was the best part! Then they brought us these four little “digestif” after dinner licorice liquoure drinks with a little lemon slice in it and I was like THANKS and I hammered that thing down like it was a shot of Jagermeister, which apparently I was not supposed to do because everyone in the entire establishment started pointing and laughing at me like that scene at the end of Carrie where she is prom queen and she gets blood poured on her and everyone laughs and points it was awesome lol.

Then they brought out the bill and that was very depressing!

Okay so all in all, it seems like Italian but it is not. Also everything sounds gross but it is all actually really good!

Serpico! I hope you’re rich! Don’t tell my dad I sold his house!

Hello this is Lazy Philadelphia Reviews and this is my review of Zahav. I went there. So yeah.

So you would like to go to Zahav! Congratulations! You can’t! I have bad news for you, it is impossible to go to Zahav. But since I went like three to four times already you should use this opportunity to eat vicariously through me because it’s BOOKED well into the next decade. Actually if you are expecting a child currently, you should just have them put down the name of your unborn child on the wait list so that he or she could potentially be able to get a spot at the bar after he or she graduates college, as a celebration dinner. Congratulations, Little Jimmy!! Still not sure why you named your daughter Little Jimmy but it’s your life.

 Zahav is inspired middle eastern food. Inspired is a great adjective to use when you are writing because it doesn’t really mean anything but people seem to think it does so I pepper it in A LOT.

Okay so when I went to Zahav it was a spur of the moment thing. It is a really nice restaurant and I was wearing shorts, vans, a ripped t shirt and it was pouring rain outside so I was soaked. They IMMEDIATELY gave me a spot at the bar. I am pretty positive that they thought I was extremely famous rock-star because only someone very rich and famous could care so little about their physical appearance in such a fancy restaurant. Either that or they thought I was from that tv show Undercover Boss and that I was going to fire everyone’s ass on the spot. Or maybe just a handsome mentally handicapped vagrant? I dunno but the point is I lucked out this time.

Okay so first thing about Zahav is that it is very nice inside but not like pretentious. The tables are made of like…tile? Stone? I am not great at material identification. There is a lot of visible wood. Visible Wood is a good name for a rock band but that is besides the point right now. Also the music inside is unexpected. I heard a Tears for Fears song that I love and I was like “huh. I love this song.” The wait staff is all very knowledgabe and friendly and professional and they all wear light blue button down shirts and when you put all of these facts together it is basically like you are eating a meal at the GAP.

Ok so Zahav offers a tasting menu that is like 45 dollars, but then again you could get most of the same things for less than that if you order them…separately…which makes Zahav a great choice if you like to do math when you’re hungry.

Also they love to feed you wine at Zahav so do what I do and just drink all the wine that they offer you because they almost always give you a free glass of wine so just enjoy the experience like I did and then even have some Gran Marnier for dessert and then go home and get the spins in your girlfriend’s bed.

OK so if you want to talk about the food at Zahav you have to start at the hummus. It is one of the best things I have ever ate and there are no jokes about that it’s just really good.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled jokes.

Here’s where it gets kinda weird. Even though the hummus is probably the best thing you will ever eat, every other entrée has at least one ingredient that is completely baffling. Like to the point of you wonder how a person would even eat that. For example it’s like “Falaffel balls with tahini and cucumber with a side of a duck farts sealed inside a Ziploc bag.” Or like “Matzo ball soup sprinkled generously with crushed up bits of that one SPICE GIRLS CD everyone had back in 1998” like it just doesn’t make sense to me really but to be honest after that hummus I don’t think I really even cared also I was on like my 5th glass of wine and I was more interested in whether or not there was a froyo place in walking distance if I was somehow able to walk without wobbling directly into oncoming traffic.

So then you get the bill and you stare at it awhile and then you do math again and try to figure out who screwed up and then you’re like “oh yeah I remember now I DID order the pizza roll stuffed red snapper served in a Seattle Mariners batting helmet for 37.50” and then you get a little sad but hey…cheer up slugger, you just ate at Zahav! The hottest inspired Mediterranean middle eastern food dispensary in Society Hill! Enjoy your inspired bed spins!

Zahav! Don’t even bother trying!

Hello.

This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review about Sampan. I went there for dinner.

Sampan is Asian food. You might not know that from the title. That is because the title is in a different language. Pretty sure it is something Asian that means something in Asian. I think it should be Sampan Asian Food but when I told them that they kinda just stared at me.

The sign in front of Sampan has some dudes name on it like Sampan: A Michael Salters Experience which would lead you to believe that it is similar to like a ride at Epcot Center or a concept album from a 70’s progressive rock band like Emerson Lake and Palmer. But nope it is just a restaurant that serves food. Asian food, like I mentioned.

One thing that you should know about Sampan is that girls love Sampan. “OOOH I LOOOVE SAMPAN” that is what girls say so if you are going to Sampan and you tell them that. And that is because Sampan is small plates and girls LOVE small plates, almost as much as they love bragging about how much they love dogs. Dogs are very en vogue, which is Spanish for in vogue.

The first thing you discover upon walking into Sampan is that you need to come back another time because you’re lookin’ at about 45 minutes to an hour…

Ok now that you have come back another time with reservations and you got a table, you will notice the décor, which I can only describe as indescribable.

Okay so in the summer time they have outdoor seating which is great if you are the type of person who enjoys eating and sweating simultaneously.

Sampan has lots of alcoholic drinks which is good, and also a very wide variety of available Saki, which is VERY tasty and delicious and great for making you not feel very well at work all day today and looking very forward to going home to get back in bed and not drinking Saki on a weeknight again until at least next week.

Ok so I mentioned small plates. That is because the confusing pamphlet menu at Sampan has like a bunch of things that you have no idea the size of. So the best course of action is to order a bunch of things at random. Don’t worry about whether you order apps first or entrees or whatever: they don’t care. They will bring out your food in whatever damn order they feel like doing it in. When I went they brought me my check first lol jk that didn’t happen but that would be funny right.

The kitchen is in the middle of the restaurant and they are like stir frying up a bunch of shit at all time so when you come out of there you smell like you just narrowly avoided dying in a grease fire. Don’t go to Sampan first if you are going to like something important, like a funeral after. People will be all like “Ugh did somebody die in here?” Lol that would be a funny thing to say in a funeral parlor. I gotta write that one down. 

In the bathrooms there is no music, just interesting scenes from movies playing over loud speakers, which is great if you like to try to identify which movie is playing while you are peeing. You will be all like “I think this is from Apocalypse Now and also it appears that I should be drinking more water during the day.”

There is a bar behind sampan called graffiti bar and that is a really good place to feel uncomfortable with the amount of people squeezed into one place and not be able to get a drink or hear anything your friends say over the throbbing music so yeah be sure to check that out if you like loud noises and being elbowed in the neck.

Ok so in these reviews mostly all I do is talk shit but the food at Sampan is really great and it is affordable. And the wait staff is good and they all wear tight black clothes like food ninjas.

At the end of your meal they bring you ice cream whether you ordered it or not which is incredible even though the temperature inside Sampan can only be described as “Rainforest Café at the Mall when the Jungle Storm is Happening” so don’t expect it to not be melted by the time it gets to you but it’s the thought that counts, which is something I say a lot after not giving people very good birthday presents.

Anyways that’s Sampan!

Sampan! Girls love talking about how much they love it!

Hello.

This is a review of Del Friscos in Philadelphia. I went there the other day for some reason.

Del Friscos is Spanish for Of Friscos.

Del Friscos is a chain restaurant steakhouse. Some people don’t like it because it is a chain. I don’t know why. There are more than one of them? That seems like it would be a good thing but what do I know I’m not a restauraunteur I am a house techno DJ.

Del Friscos has hostesses who are twins. This was very exciting for me. They are the two most beautiful women that I have ever seen. Well they are basically the single most beautiful woman I have ever seen except there is 2 of them. I know a lot of dudes are like LOL TWINZ LOL but like that is for 14 year olds bro grow up it is big boy time now. I would be more than happy to take only one of them on very fancy dates and expensive vacations, either one actually. I would actually marry either one right now. If you know them, put in a good word. I am extremely rich and handsome and also rich.

The inside of Del Friscos is interesting. It is a big open space. It used to be a bank back in like the 1940s or something. This is cool if you like to eat at places that one time probably got robbed at machine gun point by dudes named Tony “The Tooth” DiMarco, Knobby Ralph Rizzo, and Edward “Unlimited Data Plan” McConnell. Guys who said things like “WHAT’S THEBIG IDEA, SEE?” I love those dudes.

Also inside Del Friscos there is like huge words written on the wall that are really corny. Like I forget what it says but I think it is like BE BOLD AND FEAR NO MAN. Like why is that there? It is like eating a meal inside of an ED HARDY t shirt.

The bar at Del Friscos is very eventful. There are a lot of very pretty women there who are willing to pay attention to you if you give them money and prizes. I did not solicit them however because I am saving my money to spend on one of two aforementioned hostesses.

The drinks are good. They are poured heavily. So good in fact that I had two gin drinks and I kinda don’t even really remember what I ordered to eat but I am like 70% sure it was a steak of some sort?

The bathroom has a guy in there who pumps soap into your hand and expects money for that unfortunately even though putting soap into my hand is like number 10,000 in difficulty on my lists of things I do every day. If you would like some money sir please help me fill out my time sheets at work. Although there are worse things that a dude lurking in the bathroom could be doing for money so let’s just call this one a wash.

Lol a wash get it.

Our waitress was good she liked to talk a lot she was very friendly and knew all the foods that are on the menu. But I had a menu right in front of me so I was able to navigate it myself with little trouble because I learned to read in the first grade and all the foods are on there in writing plain as day.

I got a steak or something and some sides, I don’t really know I didn’t pay much attention because there was baseball on tv. The steak was good, au gratin potatoes are amazing, I think there were mushrooms involved at one point?

Then, after dinner I got to talk to the hostesses again! And she told me…where after dinner…I could get a little…dessert…if you know what I mean…

Ice cream. I really like ice cream. There is a great place close by.

Ok so in short. Drinks are good. Food is good. Women are very interesting and will pay attention to you for money. Service is good. It’s good there. Check it out if you are a rich old dirtbag who works in finance or real estate.

Del Friscos! Come for the hostesses. Stay for the hostesses also.

I am going to start doing a new thing called Lazy Philadelphia Reviews. Here is my first review, for SWEETGREEN. Read it if you want, or don't, it's your life.

Sweetgreen is a place that has salads. That is it. Just salads. I think they also have like some other options or something but mostly it is just salads. If you want a steak or something, Sweetgreen would be a poor choice for you to make. It is a salad place.

At Sweetgreen, you can do a thing where you pick all the ingredients that you want in a salad but yo this is their restaurant not mine so I am not going to do any of the work for them that is ridiculous I am off the clock right now bro.

The people at Sweetgreen are all very nice and helpful. They wear hair nets and name tags. They ask you questions like "do you want dressing light medium or heavy" that you can't hear over the music which is a too loud and completely unnecessary jumble of upbeat manufactured That's What I Call Noise 2017.

Sweetgreen does not take cash which is a power move and I respect the hell out of it because cash is for poor people and poor people are gross.

The inside of Sweetgreen looks like the inside of everywhere. There is considered writing on the walls in considered typefaces. There is a chalkboard with junk written on it about sustainability or something idk. There is exposed ductwork. Lots of aluminum and shiny metal ... furnishings? It looks like a considered Chipotle 2002 or a nice hospital cafeteria.

The salad I got from Sweetgreen is some sort of Spicy Samadhi type deal. I forgot the name. It is fine. That is the exact word that I would describe Sweetgreen with. "Fine." It tastes like vegetables and it is impossible to make vegetables good that is a ridiculous assumption by you and if you like the taste of vegetables you need to do some soul searching because I have questions about whether or not you are actually enjoying your life or just living it.

So, in closing, if you are forced to eat a stupid salad for lunch because you want to have shredded washboard abs like the dude and the chick in the infomercial that is on in the middle of the night that you come home to after drinking heavily at Happy Rooster until 330 AM, and you have decided to eat more vegetables for the sole purpose of upping the caliber of people who are willing to fuck you, Sweetgreen is definitely an option. Not necessarily a good option or a bad option. It is just an option.

Sweetgreen! It's fine.