Hello.

This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review about Sampan. I went there for dinner.

Sampan is Asian food. You might not know that from the title. That is because the title is in a different language. Pretty sure it is something Asian that means something in Asian. I think it should be Sampan Asian Food but when I told them that they kinda just stared at me.

The sign in front of Sampan has some dudes name on it like Sampan: A Michael Salters Experience which would lead you to believe that it is similar to like a ride at Epcot Center or a concept album from a 70’s progressive rock band like Emerson Lake and Palmer. But nope it is just a restaurant that serves food. Asian food, like I mentioned.

One thing that you should know about Sampan is that girls love Sampan. “OOOH I LOOOVE SAMPAN” that is what girls say so if you are going to Sampan and you tell them that. And that is because Sampan is small plates and girls LOVE small plates, almost as much as they love bragging about how much they love dogs. Dogs are very en vogue, which is Spanish for in vogue.

The first thing you discover upon walking into Sampan is that you need to come back another time because you’re lookin’ at about 45 minutes to an hour…

Ok now that you have come back another time with reservations and you got a table, you will notice the décor, which I can only describe as indescribable.

Okay so in the summer time they have outdoor seating which is great if you are the type of person who enjoys eating and sweating simultaneously.

Sampan has lots of alcoholic drinks which is good, and also a very wide variety of available Saki, which is VERY tasty and delicious and great for making you not feel very well at work all day today and looking very forward to going home to get back in bed and not drinking Saki on a weeknight again until at least next week.

Ok so I mentioned small plates. That is because the confusing pamphlet menu at Sampan has like a bunch of things that you have no idea the size of. So the best course of action is to order a bunch of things at random. Don’t worry about whether you order apps first or entrees or whatever: they don’t care. They will bring out your food in whatever damn order they feel like doing it in. When I went they brought me my check first lol jk that didn’t happen but that would be funny right.

The kitchen is in the middle of the restaurant and they are like stir frying up a bunch of shit at all time so when you come out of there you smell like you just narrowly avoided dying in a grease fire. Don’t go to Sampan first if you are going to like something important, like a funeral after. People will be all like “Ugh did somebody die in here?” Lol that would be a funny thing to say in a funeral parlor. I gotta write that one down. 

In the bathrooms there is no music, just interesting scenes from movies playing over loud speakers, which is great if you like to try to identify which movie is playing while you are peeing. You will be all like “I think this is from Apocalypse Now and also it appears that I should be drinking more water during the day.”

There is a bar behind sampan called graffiti bar and that is a really good place to feel uncomfortable with the amount of people squeezed into one place and not be able to get a drink or hear anything your friends say over the throbbing music so yeah be sure to check that out if you like loud noises and being elbowed in the neck.

Ok so in these reviews mostly all I do is talk shit but the food at Sampan is really great and it is affordable. And the wait staff is good and they all wear tight black clothes like food ninjas.

At the end of your meal they bring you ice cream whether you ordered it or not which is incredible even though the temperature inside Sampan can only be described as “Rainforest Café at the Mall when the Jungle Storm is Happening” so don’t expect it to not be melted by the time it gets to you but it’s the thought that counts, which is something I say a lot after not giving people very good birthday presents.

Anyways that’s Sampan!

Sampan! Girls love talking about how much they love it!