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November 2025

It’s now the last week of November, 2025. I’ve been doing a bit of research on a name or explanation for the need to be outside, and in nature a lot. It actually has a name, Biophilia. “ a human who fundamental tendency to seek connections with the outdoors and nature”. If you don’t meet the need of being outside, it’s called “Nature Deficit Disorder” At least I’m not a complete freak, but always wanted to be outside. I’m actually dreading that the most, when I have my op in less than two weeks. I’ll struggle with not walking the dog, at the very least. I’ve got my pre op tomorrow, I’m a littler nervous, but Jay is coming with me. I haven’t mentioned Jay yet! We’ve known each other online for 8 years. I was actually meant to go on a date with him 8 years ago. But he cancelled on me, and we ended up just staying Social Media friends. He's a Tottenham fan like myself, and I added him to the Spurs group WhatsApp chat earlier this year. On 4th October, our group chat was meeting up in The Peacock for a game, which is nothing unusual. But it was Jay’s first time meeting some of our gang. And it was the first time I’d meet him in person. When he walked through the pub door, it was actually a very strange moment for me, I was like “ohhh hello”, he looked exactly as his photos….but better, if that makes sense? I instantly liked him, but he’d only fairly recently had a break up. And I’ve been messed about so many times, I just thought to myself “Don’t tell anyone, ignore your feelings, you don’t need this shit again”. I try and give my everything in a relationship, and then when it goes wrong, I always feel so delated, and either “not enough” for people, or “too much” for people. It takes me a long time to get my confident back, and reset my happy levels. I’m so happy single, and I wasn’t sure I could go through it all again. As previously mention, 2025 was my glow up year, I wanted to lose a considerable amount of weight, intended to have my op in Oct, and then tone my body up. The op and toning took a back seat for now, as my op was delayed. But I still had this as my plan, and meeting someone, wasn’t part of the 2025 plan. In fact, it wasn’t part of the 2026 plan either. I’ve got a lot on next year, and decided I needed to stay in my happy zone. However, Jay ended up coming to our family October meet up, and afterwards, asked if I wanted to meet him at The Lilacs in Isham, for a chat. I’ve always tried to get my Spurs group chat to talk, most of them talk to me when there are issues. So, I agreed to meet Jay, and we just chatted, so easily for a couple of hours. We’d always chatted about our shit show of lives via Instagram anyway, so it wasn’t anything unusual. However, fast forward near a month, and we’ve been together since that following weekend, after The Lilacs. I’m a slow burner, with friendships and relationships, but this seems very different. And it’s been the dead opposite of slow. Maybe because we’d been friends before, and we could skip all the “getting to know you2 rubbish. I hate that part of new relationships. It was Jay’s birthday yesterday, and we’ve spent 24 hours together. It was really nice. I feel very at home, at his place (which is rare) and he makes me feel very safe, which I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, that I’ve never felt before. Don’t panic readers, I’m still guarded, I’m fully aware of how situations can change. But I’m also very much in the mind of “life’s short”, so lets see if this unexpected chapter, becomes a massive part of the rest of my life story, which I very much hope it does.

Peri Life Here is the official description:- Perimenopause, the transition into menopause, is marked by a range of symptoms due to fluctuating and declining estrogen levels. These symptoms can include irregular periods, hot flashes, sleep disturbances, mood changes, and vaginal dryness. Other common experiences include brain fog, joint pain, and changes in libido and many more. I’ve experienced all of the above and many more. It’s horrendous. And your hormones can change daily, so how the hell are you meant to work out how to live with that? This worked yesterday, but today is a different story. Peri can also last for 10 years, so like I said, when does the female body get a break? Coz after this, I’ve got menopause to face. Hurray!! Anyway, it’s nothing I can’t (and don’t) deal with myself. All I have to do, is remind myself of the life Gemma is currently leading, and I bring myself back down to earth. Speaking of grounding, and back to Scotland in some senses. I keep thinking about my ridiculous need to “be grounded” all the time. I genuinely have anxiety attacks, if I can’t find time to be outside. When I’m breathing fresh air, or walking round bare foot, I feel empowered, I love it. In Scotland, walking bare foot across the beach, and also in the Fairy Glen trail, across the rocks and into the waterfall, it was such a great feeling, I didn’t want to leave. I need to look up what’s wrong with me, why I need to be outside so much. I’m really sad that it’s back to work tomorrow. Not just because it’s back to the work and life rat race. But it was also so nice to unavailable for a week. I didn’t answer any work related messages, of which I had 5. It was amazing to have no tv. So you had to think of other ways to entertain yourself, but also, could escape all the bad news on the TV. I got to step out of my routine, and everyone who needs my attention and wants my time every day. I made a pact to myself in Scotland, to be a little more selfish and take some more me time, for my own mental health. I’m sick of feeling overwhelmed, and always being the organiser, and the reliable one who gets back to people as soon as they contact me. Time to take a step back! Level 48 starts tomorrow. Time is ticking. It's now October 2025, and I should be recovering from my mastopexy operation. However, the hospital cancelled, and it’s now rescheduled for December 2025. I was furious at first, but on reflection, it means I’ll get a month off work, because the 2 weeks recovery, leads straight into my Christmas Annual Leave. I made the decision, to close my business on a Monday. We’re only a few weeks in, but it’s amazing. I love having that extra day. I don’t feel quite so exhausted. My friend Steve has moved from Hertford, to Overstone. I helped him with his flat pack last weekend, which was his first weekend in the house. It’s a lovely home, and had got my a little excited for my move, hopefully next year, depending on the sales market, but if not, certainly the following year. Mum’s had her wrist operated on, and is nearly fully recovered now, after they messed the op up, originally. I’ve got lots of things booked in for the next few weeks, and my 2026 diary is also getting full. I can’t believe the cruise is in about 300 days! It was 890 when I started the countdown. A lot of my friend’s are slowly turning 50 too. Life is speeding by. This weekend, I’m looking forward to a Micheal Jackson tribute with Mum, breakfast with the Millbrook crew, and our family day, which will be Halloween themed. I’ve also got a murder mystery, a Five Concert, Northants Sings Out Concert and of course my Mastopexy all before Christmas.

#perimenopause #grounded #october

July 25/pt2 I’ve experienced all of the above and many more. It’s horrendous. And your hormones can change daily, so how the hell are you meant to work out how to live with that? This worked yesterday, but today is a different story. Peri can also last for 10 years, so like I said, when does the female body get a break? Coz after this, I’ve got menopause to face. Hurray!! Anyway, it’s nothing I can’t (and don’t) deal with myself. All I have to do, is remind myself the life Gemma is currently leading, and I bring myself back down to earth. Speaking of grounding, and back to Scotland in some senses. I keep thinking about my ridiculous need to “be grounded” all the time. I genuinely have anxiety attacks, if I can’t find time to be outside. When I’m breathing fresh air, or walking round bare foot, I feel empowered, I love it. In Scotland, walking bare foot across the beach, and also in the Fairy Glen trail, across the rocks and into the waterfall, it was such a great feeling, I didn’t want to leave. I need to look up what’s wrong with me, why I need to be outside so much. I’m really sad that it’s back to work tomorrow. Not just because it’s back to the work and life rat race. But it was also so nice to unavailable for week. I didn’t answer any work related messages, of which I had 5. It was amazing to have no tv. So you had to think of other ways to entertain yourself, but also, could escape all the bad news on the TV. I got to step out of my routine, and everyone who needs my attention and wants my time every day. I made a pact to myself in Scotland, to be a little more selfish and take some more me time, for my own mental health. I’m sick of feeling overwhelmed, and always being the organiser, and the reliable one who gets back to people as soon as they contact me. Time to take a step back! Level 48 starts tomorrow. Time is ticking.

July 2025

It’s July now, I got back from Scotland yesterday, and tomorrow is my birthday. Before I talk about Scotland, I wanted to mention, that Gemma is living in a Residential Home in Desborough, she’s been there for just over a week, on a six week trial, and if all goes to plan, she can stay there. I’m really hoping this is her forever place, as she seems really happy. Scotland was brilliant! It’s so beautiful. Stunning landscape, and generally really well looked after. It's the furthest I’ve ever driven, there, back and every day in between, we travelled 1, 359 miles in the 6 days. We also managed to tick off three things from my bucket list. Visit Scotland. Go to Loch Ness and Stand in, and drink from a Waterfall. We were so lucky with the weather, it rained once, but we were driving at the time. And we lived in shorts and t shirts. The only time we wore jackets, was on the Loch Cruise. It was lovely getting to spend quality time with my mum too. As morbid as it sounds, the reality is, we’re all running out of time. We might not have many more opportunities. I don’t mean death, in particular, although this could also happen, and inevitably will, but I mean health. My dad can’t walk far these days for example. We never know how many more Mother’s Days, Christmas’s and birthday’s we have left together. Speaking of morbid, although I love talking about death, so it wasn’t a biggy for me. But Ian and I signed my mum’s Power of Attorney today. We had to sign ourselves, and then sign to say we’d witnessed each other sign. This is stage one. Basically, if mum get dementia, she’s signed her rights over to me and Ian, to make the right decision. If this all goes through, she’s going to do the financial side of things. This reminded me, I was going to look at Pure Cremations this year, and still haven’t. I’ll put it on my never ending, to do list. While I was driving all that way, I noticed something that annoyed me, but vowed I’d NEVER complain about this thing again. My hair kept catching in my seatbelt and the collar of my tops. It's because it’s at an awkward length at the moment, but the reason I’ll never moan about it, is…. Thank you to the perimenopause, I’ve been losing my hair over the last year. Literally, if you look at one photo a month from July last year, each single month, my hair is getting shorter and shorter, and I hadn’t had it cut, and getting thinner and thinner. It's really bothered me. It’s felt quite soul destroying and upsetting to be honest. I have been embarrassed. The amount of people who, every month, would say “oh you’ve had your hair cut”. I literally haven’t, it’s just been falling out, and breaking at the ends, to appear shorter. So the fact that it’s getting under my collar at the moment, means it must finally be growing again. Thank god! I can’t describe how awful the perimenopause is. Like seriously, when does a woman’s body get a break? I started my period at 13. So this meant monthly excruciating pain, migraine and extremely heavy bleeding, that lead to anaemia. Like…..every month! Then we obviously grow a chest, mine gave me awful back pain! This is one of the reason’s I’m getting rid of them in October. We have the pregnancy and birth. Our bodies change FOREVER after this. I actually joked to Jake earlier, and said “Right I’ve lost my weight now, but what do I do about this wobbly belly? You caused it, so you can sort it out”. I have to say though, people don’t talk much about Perimenopause and Menopause. Here is the official description:- Perimenopause, the transition into menopause, is marked by a range of symptoms due to fluctuating and declining estrogen levels. These symptoms can include irregular periods, hot flashes, sleep disturbances, mood changes, and vaginal dryness. Other common experiences include brain fog, joint pain, and changes in libido and many more.

#scotland #perimenopause #bucketlist #level48

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My Dog Benson, bought for me, from my then husband. Jake's first dog too, we're both dog obsessed

Jake and I July 2006

It was such a pretty place to visit. In the photo’s, you’d think we were abroad. And obviously, Kane was also living his best life. Mum also organised her “family” to get together for a meal at Bellla Scillia. Mum paid for the lot. I say “family”, it was literally us lot, plus Liz and Paul, and Margaret and John. It was really nice. She’s also had lots of other things going on with other friends. She’s been well and truly spoilt. She is still waiting for surgery on her wrist though. It was meant to happen towards the end of last year. And still nothing.

Speaking of surgery. I began a really strict 1,200 calorie diet at the end of November. I also intermittent fast for 16 hours, as often as possible. I lost 3 stone, but now I’m maintaining, and am 2 and a half stone lighter than where I started. I had decided 2025 would be my glow up year. So I’ve been using Invisalign to straighten my teeth up. And was planning a boob reduction. But the weight loss and definitely made them a lot smaller. A normal size at last. However, I’ve decided to still go for surgery, for a reshape and uplift. I’ve got a consultation at the end of August, and I’m pencilled in for surgery at the beginning of October. I’ve met a new friend called Michelle. She’s had lots of surgery done actually. And she recommended this surgeon in Peterborough, so I hope he’s as good for me, as he’s been for her. My friend Matt has stepped up in my rankings too. We’ve been social media friends for a long time, but since Spurs have been in the Europa league, he’s come to Kettering for some of the games. (He lives in Narborough) he said I deserve to have someone who has my back, and that’s what he plans on doing. It’s a nice feeling to have a group of proper friends surrounding me at the moment, not just the people who have to be, because we work in the same line, etc, I love getting all our Spurs family connected, I hope now we've got the games in The Peacock, that some of these people, will connect closer as friends too, not just my friends. Gemma is STILL in hospital. She’s had a finger amputated now, and several other fingers aren’t looking great either. She’s been told it’s highly unlikely she’ll ever go home, and will likely be living in a residential home for the rest of her life. So her family are currently looking at homes. I have a gut feeling Gemma won’t see many more years. She’s not in a good way, health wise. Amazingly, she’s so strong and positive. Tottenham won the Europa League, so that was an unexpected Bucket List tick “See Spurs win a trophy”. It was such as good atmosphere. One of my favourite evenings in a long time. Such a buzz. I guess you wouldn’t understand if you’re not a football fan. I’m looking forward to going to Scotland in little under 4 weeks. It’ll be nice to get away, I feel really exhausted at the moment. I work long hours, no breaks, and lots of extra work outside my opening hours. I know I plan on stopping Childcare in about 65 weeks, but it’s wearing thin as it stands. I have three children leaving in August, and I’m thinking about my options, if I don’t fill the spaces. One thought I’d had, is to stop working Mondays, but we shall see how we go a bit nearer the time first.

#winners #europa2025 #tottenham #friends #spurs #amputation

Unfortunately, Gemma had to have her other leg off. Where they’d removed the toes, it wasn’t healing properly, and was causing more trouble, so they decided to remove it. She’s actually glad it’s been done now, rather than have to go through it all again. So she’s now been in hospital for 6 months. I hope she gets out soon. Starts recovering before Christmas, and then writes off 2024 as a bad year, starting a new chapter for 2025. Kev and I are going to a Europa game on Thursday. I absolutely love going to Spurs, when I walk in the Tottenham Hotspur stadium, I always have an absolutely overwhelming feeling, it’s almost like that’s where I belong. I feel like I’m home. So I’m really looking forward to going, and also to spend more time with Kev.Some of the WhatsApp group have also started to meet up for game, Kev and I started advertising The Peacock as a Spurs pub, and now we’ve taken over the pub. I’ve got the first week of November off work, and we’ve booked in a Spa day. I felt we both needed time chill time. It’s been a rocky year for us both. On Saturday, I’ve got a Halloween party at Keith and Julies. I’m glad my relationship with them is building. They’ve booked the same cruise as me, so that’s 6 of us now, potentially 7 if Nigel comes. Then on Sunday, the family are meeting up for breakfast, and then we’re going to the Haunted House walk at Wicksteed park. That will be our October meet up. Still going strong with that. We had a lovely Christmas, I spent Christmas Eve at The Midland Band Club with some friends, and have now applied to become a member. I have to keep on doing these things out of my comfort zone, otherwise I’m going to get left behind. Jake’s officially an adult now, and wants to spend times like this, with his mates. So I sit at home alone, or I go out alone, and make sure I fit in. It was such a good night. The Christmas period in general was nice, lots of family times together. Chris passed away in February 2025, his last day out of bed was his birthday, he also stopped eating that day too, and passed away a few days later. His funeral was lovely actually. And it was really nice to catch up with family. Cancer is a horrible thing, it’s such a long and slow death, with lots of pain and suffering. I really hope they bring in the assisted death law, before it’s my turn. This year, Spurs have been in the Europa League, so we’ve had a lot more football than usual. We’ve been terrible in the Premier league, but this league has given us a little hope. It’s also been lovely to spend extra time, week day nights, with my Spurs WhatsApp group. We’ve all become really good friends, I love it. I actually live for it at the moment, I’ve just got a great feeling about it. Kev and I went to watch one of the games, it was a killer on a week day night, and having to get up for work after 4 hours sleep, so we’ve decided to watch the other games in the pub, but was lovely to experience on of the games in person. We’ve decided to make The Peacock the Spurs pub, and we’ve started spreading the word. Each game there are more and more fans turning up. If we get to the final, the roof will come off that pub.It’s really nice that Matt in the group (Who’s moved up to Narborough, and doesn’t know many people up here) is getting more involved with the group. I’m hoping we can get a decent bunch of us to the last few games. It was mum’s 70th in April. I organised a get together at The Park House, for friends and family to come for a drink. I also got mum a crown, a sash, a 70 badge and had a birthday cake arrive. It was nice to get everyone together. I also gave her my present from me, which was a long weekend in St Ives, Cornwall. She said she’s never had a surprise get away, in her entire life. We couldn’t have asked for better weather, you’d have thought it was summer time, not April. We packed Jeans, but in reality, we could have done with shorts.

#cornwall #70th #Spurs #tottenham hotspur

I had a week off in July, and managed to do a few bucket list things, including Visiting Barry Island, home of Gavin and Stacey. They are currently filming the final ever come back, for the Christmas Special, I’m looking forward to it.

Since Kev’s party, which I mentioned earlier, and which was completely out of my comfort zone, he and I have become quite close. We text daily, and we’ve spent quite a bit of random time together, just going for a drink, or to the cinema. It’s nice having a companion to do some things with. He's the first man in my 47 years, to ever pull a chair out for me, or open doors etc. He’s so easy to talk to, and I love spending time with him. All the little things that are important at this stage of life. Kev knows I’m a bit of a man and relationship hater, but thankfully he see’s our friendship the same way as I do. He’s become a good friend though, which is nice. Actually, the whole Spurs WhatApp group is getting closer. It’s great, these are my people!

At New Year, we made a family pact, to meet once a month. This is still happening, and it’s done the family some good I think. Josh still has nothing to do with Ian, and it’s making a difficult situation for the whole family, but I’ve decided, I can’t fix everything, and I need to step back from situations I’m not in control of.

Gemma has had a hell of a year, one of the reason’s I haven’t updated for a while, she’s been in hospital for four months, and I’d been visiting three times a week. It was so draining, but I needed to be there for her. To cut a long story short, she’s now had all her toes removed from her left foot, and has had her right leg amputated below the knee. She’s on the road to recovery now, and I hope this will be a nice new chapter to her life. I’ve been making some plans for next year. Mum doesn’t know this yet, but I’ve booked a few days in Cornwall for her 70th, just me her and Kane, in April. Hopefully we get to Saint Michael’s Mount this time, to tick it off the list. We’ve also booked Loch Ness for next July, another bucket list tick! End October 2024, Can you believe, not once, but twice now, I’ve seen the Northern Lights in England, really clearly. I can’t believe how lucky I am. A lot of Britain saw it this time, I think those who missed it before, felt left out, so all went in search of it again this time. It really is amazing, I don’t think I’d ever get bored of looking at it, like I don’t with sunsets, and weird skies, cool clouds, rainbows, and natural wonders of the world, like volcanos, mountains, the seaside and so on. Mum and I went to see my Great Great Granddads clock at Burton Latimer Museum. We took some photos to show Chris. Mum went to visit him with Liz recently, as he’s now been put on end of life care. This usually means you’ve got up to about 12 weeks left. So I’m glad he got to see us at the museum with it. After, mum and I went to a tearoom called Bunty’s, and while I was there, Matt from Vista Balloons called me, Hot Air Ballooning was on my bucket list, and we’d put ourselves on the short list to go. He called to say the weather is lovely, let’s go flying. So finally, I managed to tick that off my bucket list. I had money put away for it, for over seven years, but have never managed to get on, I can’t tell you how peaceful and calm it is up in the air. You don’t feel as though you’re actually moving. It’s magical. We did have a crash landing though. You’re meant to land at 3 to 5 miles per hour. We were running out of flat land, so we crash landed at 17 miles an hour. Other than that, it was amazing.

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The Lawson’s health hasn’t been very good this year. I’ve got a doctors appointment on Monday after 11 weeks of a sore throat. Ian’s quit work, as he literally can’t move with his bad back. Dad can’t walk far now because of his legs, I also think he has a touch of agoraphobia. And mum, having just finished recovering from wrist surgery, crashed her car (it’s a write off) and the very next day, tripped over and broke her arm and dislocated her wrist. She’s in plaster for another 6 weeks. We were meant to go, with Liz, to see Chris on Thursday. I’d booked a couple of days off work. But Chris cancelled us a few days before, he’s been taken really ill, and couldn’t cope with visitors. I’m hoping we still get time to visit, I wanted to get the siblings together for one last day, one last photo. But it’s not looking great at the moment. I’ve just started a photography course. I want to get good at this, before we go on the Cruise. It’s now June, I managed to unexpectedly tick another thing off my bucket list. For the first time in my lifetime, The Northern Lights were visible by eye, everywhere in England, and it was absolutely amazing, I had a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat, it was absolutely breathtaking. I I’ve got this and next week at work, then I have a weeks annual leave. I can’t describe how ridiculously tired and exhausted I’ve been lately, so it's very needed. I’m going on a Solo Road Trip with Kane. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve been getting closer to my Spurs group chat. I went to meet one of the ladies in person, Kaz. She was lovely. Then it was Kev’s birthday, so I went to celebrate with Den and Adrian too. It’s weird being out of my comfort zone, but also really nice to build the friendships and be around different people. I joined the Spurs whatsapp group during lockdown. It’s honestly saved me at times, they’re my sort of people. I’m hoping to get to go to some games, events and pubs together, to watch Mum and I have booked the Cruise for 5th Sept 2026, deposit paid. It’s really nice having something to aim for. Especially as I have no plans to go abroad for the next couple of years, what with saving so hard. Plus, apparently the British Summer of 2024, is going to be the wettest since 2012 with 50 days of rain! Oh joy.

I’ve booked a weekend to go to Gosport with Mum and Liz, to go and see Chris. 6th and 7th of July. I really hope he feels up for it this time. It’s now September 2024, and I can’t believe how much has happened since I last updated. We managed to go and visit Chris in Gosport, and brought back a family clock, which Chris wanted to send to Burton Latimer Museum, as neither of his children are interested in ancestry, and neither have children to pass it on to. Mum and I are going to the museum in October to see the piece about my Great Great Grandad, and how the clock came about. Unfortunately, I didn’t get my photo of the siblings, as Liz was too poorly with sciatica to manage the travel. It was lovely to catch up with Chris, but unfortunately, he’s not well at the moment. His youngest son, Dave came to stay with mum a few weeks ago, so I managed to catch up with him too.

#family

I’ve got my last ever Parents Evening tonight, it feels really weird that my baby, is now 18. I feel a little redundant, to be honest. It’s a very weird feeling, that no one prepares you for, similarly with PeriMenopause. I put my life on hold for Jake’s childhood, which is what every good parent should do. But as his dad was barely there for the first 16 years, I literally made sure I had no plans for 6 out of 7 days a week. It was a massive fear of mine, that I’d die before Jake was 18. And now he is, I never thought of how I’d feel when he became an adult. I’m like “Who even am I?” I’ve been Jake’s mum for years, and now I’m me. Never mind, nothing has managed to break me so far in life, I’m sure I’ll readjust, and crack on with it. While I talk of moving home and getting on with the next chapter, I wanted to talk about Centre Parade. It’s a strange one here, I’ve had so many problems with my direct neighbours, The Perkins, they had 7 children, and that has been noisy to live next to, but even when some began moving out, the one’s that stayed are all into vehicles, they have 9 vehicles between the remaining 5 of them. They have purposely blocked my drive, or blocked my car in, they had an avery full of all types of birds, including cockatoos, which would wake us as 4.30am in the summer, and sqwark all day. They constantly get rats, and I have to keep paying for rat poison. They have a hot tub right underneath Jake’s bedroom window, and are in it until the early hours of the morning. They rev their cars and bikes outside my bedroom window from 5am. They always make life awkward if the fence blows over, saying I don’t have permission to stand on their side to fix it, they’ve thrown dead mice and rats, as well as bags of weeds and garden waste, over my side. They’ve made me feel anxious in my own home for many many years. BUT, on the flip side, Centre Parade also has a big place in my heart. Besides The Perkins, lovely people live around here, it’s the first place I moved to when I left home, it’s my marital home, when I bought Richard out of the mortgage, it was my first home that I worked really hard to keep, all by myself, with no help. It’s the first house I completed my mortgage on, and it's Jake’s complete childhood home, he was born in Kettering, and came back to this house a day old, and it’s been his consistent continuity, when his dad kept moving home. So Centre Parade means a lot to me, I love the actual house, just not the location anymore, and although I’m not financially ready yet, I’m looking forward to downsizing and buying my forever home. It's now April 2024, and I’ve since made the decision to quit childminding in September 2026. I will go on a cruise to The Fjords that month, and when I get back, I’m going to put my house on the market. Jake has a car now, a red Corsa. His dad bought him it, and Jake insured himself on it. I’m so nervous every time he goes out. Jake’s really sensible, but he’s inexperienced and other drivers are fools. He has his ears pierced yesterday. It’s weird for me that he makes his own decisions now. He’s never done anything stupid though, he’s a good kid, and I can’t complain. We’ve been looking together, at apprenticeships, he’s not really sure what he wants to do next, so we’re applying for anything that takes his fancy for the time being.

#18th

We had a really lovely Christmas, and we made a pact as a family, to do more stuff together as a unit this year. We had a games night on Christmas Eve, which was different, but a good laugh. Ella came too, so we could celebrate her 18th, as well as Christmas together. Then between Christmas and New Year, mum and I took Kane to Cornwall, for a nice little getaway. The weather was unbelievably mild, but unfortunately, really windy. We managed to do two of the three things on my bucket list. We went to Lands End, historically, it was the last but one day that they are personalising the Lands End sign post, so you can have your town and milage on there, so I was pleased we made it. There was a storm there that day, so we didn’t have time to mess about, I hoped we’d get a walk in there, but it was too dangerous. We also made it to The Eden Project, which had been on my Bucket List. But unfortunately, Saint Michael’s Mount island had been closed, due to the windy stormy weather. It just means I’ll have to go back another time, doesn’t it. It was lovely to spend quality time with my mum. We’ve stuck to our pact so far. The first weekend of the year, we all got together to watch Ella do a Sky Dive for her birthday. It was a lovely sunny day, but extremely cold. Then Ian and Annmarie had us round for a roast, and the next weekend, we went for tea and cake, for Corben’s birthday. The next proper family meet up is in a couple of weeks, I’m having everyone round for Pie and Chips night. I’ve made a task for myself, to have something booked in each month, so I have something to look forward to. So in January, mum and I went to The Lighthouse Theatre to watch Psychic Sally, which was quite good. I’m actually going to the theatre again tomorrow, 9th Feb, to a Murder show, I’m going alone. It’s on my bucket list to do a solo date, and that’ll be it. I’m really looking forward to it. And then the following weekend, another bucket list booked in, that’s a bottomless brunch. I only know one person who’s going, so it’ll all be very out my comfort zone, but apparently, life beings outside your comfort zone, and you only live once. My March “thing to do” is yet another bucket list, murder mystery evening. I’m going with Karla, and I’m really looking forward to it. Yesterday, I emailed all my customers, to say I’m increasing my rates. I’m one of the cheapest childminders in town, and feel like I’m selling myself short. Especially as I do so much more than any of the ones I hang around with. With each child paying a few pounds a week more, this will mount to over a hundred pounds a month pay rise. 2024, is about trying to save harder. The harder I save, the quicker I can move and also escape this job. I’ve also baby sat twice this year, with another booked in for next month, so this will all add up, and go into the “Next Chapter” move in my life.

#bucket list

I need to rewind, Robbie Williams was flippin amazing. He has been brilliant every time I’ve seen him. But this was different. Live and open air, like Knebworth was, 20 years ago. But now Robbie has his head screwed on and is a family man, it hit different. It’s so nice to see him humble and settled. It was a very moving concert. Maybe also because it'll probably be my last. I can’t be bothered with the hassle of concerts anymore.

Gemma has been extremely poorly. She went to hospital and sent me her funeral songs, so I knew it was serious. I joined her at A&E, which then turned to resus, which then turned to ICU. She has Kidney Failure, one is completely dead, the other is a very low percentage capacity. This caused pressure on her heart, which has been weakened too. She had 2 blood transfusions and 3 days of dialysis. It was very triggering for me, as this is the process Kirsty started on, and eventually died while on the dialysis machine. However, I need to be there for Gemma more than ever, especially as her best friend Chantelle, seems to have deserted her. Gemma still is very unwell and they’re trying to get the balance right for her to live a life on dialysis. So I’m keeping a closer eye on Gemma than every before. I’ve been to see her together, with Julie Mac. I’ve seen my dad and my friend Chris today too. Chris has a new puppy called Cole. Yesterday, Matthew from my Spurs group chat died, and it was a reality check to try and see your important people as much as you can. So that’s what I’m trying to do. On Friday night, 13th October, my friend Keith and I went to a Paul “Gazza” Gascogne, Legends night in Corby. He has been my hero since 1990, when I was 13. I felt very star struck to meet him, but he was an absolutely gent, and I loved speaking to him one to one. Then we have the “evening with” as a whole group. It was such a good night. I’m trying to make the memories, not the excuses. It’s December, I’ve finally finished my Christmas shopping and wrapping (my latest year ever I think). Today, we met at Ian’s for a cuppa and some cake, and to give him his birthday presents, and tomorrow we’re going to March, where Josh and Lydia now live, to see him for his birthday. I don’t think I mentioned, that they bought their first house this year. It’s really lovely. Very plain and simple and modern looking inside. In the week, my friend Chris and I went to see James Acaster on stage, live. I’ve loved him for a long time, but I read one of his books on holiday, and he’s so hilarious. He lived up to my expectations, and more. I love the dry, witty, sarcastic humour. Last weekend, the childminders (the one’s who, in my opinion, haven’t been very good friends since Covid) and I, went to London for the first of my 3 Christmas parties booked. We actually had a lovely time, and it felt very much like a group, like in the old days. Next Saturday, I have the Millbrook Christmas Party, on the Sunday, Gemma and I are going to a Carol Concert at the Church in town, and then to the Kino for a drink. The following Friday, I’m at a psychic evening with my friend Karla, and on the Saturday, I’m going to The Ritz with some other childminders I know. I’ve organised this one, and I’ve got my mum to come too, to thank her for her help this year. She’s recently had her other hand operated on, and is recovering. So hopefully by summer, both her hands are working much better. Happy New Year 2024!

I can’t believe I’ve left it so long to update. Having said that, I’ve been really busy, and I’m also expecting Ofsted this year, so I’ve been on online courses, and getting my paperwork up to scratch.

#christmas

End August 2023, I have paid to join ancestry and have been in touch with my Aunty Terry, I’d love a photo and some more information about my cousin Stephen who died. They’re my only way to find out, and they’re getting on a bit, so I thought I’d make the move. They’re in the process of putting information together for me, her and my uncle Mick. I’ll also post some of my traits and dna that came back from my tests. On the 18th August, I ended my relationship with Marcus. He, and a few others, believe I should have just sucked it up and waiting til after our holiday, but I can’t pretend anymore. I still loved him but I’m a realist, and I know it’ll never work, there is no future, and if I’m going to be in a relationship, I deserve better. I’d rather be happy and single, than sad and settling for what I’ve got. I asked Marcus if we could try and be friends, as we have Robbie Williams live at Sandringham booked in, and we have our holiday. He said he’d try. Since I ended it, he’s been horribly angry all the time, he admitted this himself. He said he’s angry at himself for not taking action, with the things I said I was unhappy about, in our relationship, and for not making an effort. He said he didn’t want to see me after Robbie, until we went on holiday. I thought this was a crazy idea, become strangers for 5 weeks, and then go on holiday and spend a week together. But I did what he wanted. A few days before holiday, Marcus got in touch and told me he’s treated me “monsterously” and how can he make things better? I said there was nothing he could do to make it better, but please just stop making it worse. He said he’d make it up to me on holiday, after the way he’d been. (I mean genuinely, what was I meant to do? Stay with him so I didn’t make him angry? I ended it in the nicest possible way) My mum also asked me to make sure I was nice to Marcus on holiday, so that when it comes to an end, I can hold my head high and say I did my best. Marcus gave one word answers to everything I spoke about on holiday, he never asked me anything back. He was rude, awkward and abrupt. He constantly walked 5 steps in front of me. He slammed doors, slammed keys down, didn’t use his manners to the hotel staff. It was an absolutely awful holiday, stupid me maybe? But I honestly thought we could be adult enough to go on holiday together as mates, and maybe even have a laugh. His aunty texted me some nasty words, while I was away with him. It secured my feelings that I made the right decision to end the relationship. What a strange family and a weird man he turned out to be. Honestly, looking back on my life, my happiest times have always been when I’m single, and I hope to stay that way forever now. Happy and on my own.

#stay single

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Some weeks ago, I had a summons to Court to take part in Jury Duty. Because I’m self employed, and because it would be during school holidays, I would have lost hundreds of pounds in income, and let 8 families down, so I declined. This got refused and I was told I could appeal but it’s likely they’ll see me in court on 7th August. So, I got some parents to write statements, I wrote an appeal with my main reason being loss of income and having to close my business down, however, I also went down the perimenopause route, and laid it all on thick. From research, and having spoken to several other people, it was highly unlikely I’d be let off. So imagine my delight, when I got the letter to say that on this occasion, I’d be excused. I felt like such a weight off, I had a real anxiety about letting my customers down, and losing so much money. I have just finished my week off work. It was lovely to go to Gosport and see my Uncle Chris. We talked some more about family trees and he saved some information for me on my memory stick. He’s looking well considering he’s terminally ill. It was really good to spend time with my mum too, just us. And then yesterday was my 46th birthday. I’ve managed to see all my family over the last few days, and celebrate in various different ways. Last night, spending the evening with my friend Keith, at a Spurs legends night at The Poppies ground. We saw Razor Ruddock. It was a good evening. I’m not really ready to go back to work, so I need to find some motivation from somewhere. Yesterday, my boy Kane was 6. I also joined the free version of ancestry, which is really interesting, and I’ll likely join the paid group at some point. I’ve also ordered a DNA and Traits test, so I’m looking forward to doing that and getting the results. Mum and I have booked Cornwall for New Year, I’ll hopefully get some bucket list things ticked off while I’m there, and it’ll be nice to spend more time with my mum and the dog. Marcus has his son for the 3rd New Years Eve running, and I’m not up for child friendly AGAIN! I’ve done my 18 years.

Today’s the 7th August, I’d have been in court this week if I hadn’t won my appeal, so I’m feeling thankful of that. I’m not thankful that 10 days ago, a young lad drove into the back of me, and wrote my car off. No injuries, but the inconvenience of sorting another car out, is mind blowing. My car was meant to last 3 years while I continue minding. Never mind, everyone survived. Today, I’m waiting for the delivery of a courtesy car, and mine is being collected tomorrow, for Wisbech Heaven, so now to find another. I was really upset that Marcus didn’t text or ring me to see if I was ok, when I had the crash. He’s always a “I would have/could have/Should have” I would have called you but assumed you were ok. I’d have taken you to the cinema to see The Little Mermaid (when I’d asked him 3 times if we can go) I’d have picked you up from the school reunion (When I was already home) I feel like he’s not my person, he’s never got my back. It makes me sad, but how many chances are you meant to give, before you realise it won’t get any better? How many red flags should you ignore?

#jury duty #not my person #have my back for once

I do feel slightly deceived by Marcus. When I met him, his dating profile showed adventurous photos, and his bio said he supported Tottenham, he's adventurous, spontaneous, he likes hiking, biking, climbing etc. But he's only done anything like that once in 22 months. He doesn’t support Tottenham, his ex family were Spurs fans and he went along to some games, however, I love his enthusiasm when we manage to get to watch a game together. I plan everything, I suggest most things, I’m the organiser. I’m the one to always make the first move with anything. It’s wearing thin. We’ll have to watch this space, but I wont be surprised if I am single by Christmas.

Something lovely this weekend, was I had my beekeeping experience. It was so lovely, really calming. It was also really educational, I loved the whole thing, and would recommend anyone who’s not scared of bees, to have a go. It’s July, it’s a Sunday night, and I’ve booked this week off work. I can’t tell you how lovely it feels, knowing the alarm won’t be going off at 6am for work. Since I last wrote, we’ve had Marcus birthday, I have to add here, since I’ve taken his son Junia, out of my life, and since Marcus has really made lots of effort to try harder, we’ve been getting on so much better. I’m really pleased. For Marcus birthday, we went to London, and did the Dare Sky Walk and Abseiled off the building, Jake included. Abseiling was a bucket list thing for me, and that’s done now. Marcus loved his present. Speaking of birthday celebrations, on Friday night we had Annmarie’s 40th, I’m so pleased she had a good time, she’s had a rough 10 months. Last night we went to Battle Proms at Burleigh House in Stamford. Marcus booked it for an Early birthday day out for me (6 days early). He thought of everything, picnic, set up, the lot. I had such a good time. Anyone who knows me, knows I love all things British, and this is exactly what last night was about, Canon’s, Spitfire, Red Devils, music, Union Jacks, English Picnics, horses dressed from all different eras, and ending with Fireworks, which are my favourite. A couple of weeks back, Jake’s Sunday team, Weekly Glebe Titans, won the Weetabix League for the u18s. That was such a good evening. I’ve made Jake a photo book for the pictures from that night. I’ve also booked an Indian for Jake’s 18th at Exotic Dining. I’m hoping to put some money behind the counter, so that my family don’t have to pay too much. On Tuesday am, mum and I are off to Gosport with Kane, to see my uncle Chris and family. Andy (my cousin) is doing us a barbie on Tuesday night, and Chris has asked me to bring a memory stick as he’s found out more about my family tree. It’ll be lovely to catch up. I’m beginning to build my savings back up, so it’ll be nice to quit childminding, maybe in 2026. Find a new job, and then move house. It feels exciting to have a 3 year plan.

#moving on #birthdays

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