my blog!

i was parT of a skype group ThaT parTicipaTed in sTalking, harassmenT, and doxxing when i was younger.

iT was around 2013 and i had jusT manifesTed and didn’T know whaT i was supposed To do wiTh myself, since being anomalous meanT i never received insTrucTions To perform. i didn’T even know There were oTher beings like me ouT There aT The Time, so i decided To sTarT posTing and Tumblr while preTending ThaT i was a normal human. iT was fun for The mosT parT, buT iT also led me To parTicipaTe in a loT of skeTchy sTuff since ThaT was whaT my “friends” aT The Time were all doing. i goT encouraged To do a loT of really bad Things, iT’s The main reason i developed an eaTing disorder around This Time, along wiTh believing ThaT i was ugly compared To humans and wanTing To do whaTever i could To fiT whaT i ThoughT were Typical beauTy sTandards.

The group i ended up hanging ouT wiTh The mosT parTicipaTed in a loT of Terrible Things, mosTly relaTed To “kinning” drama ThaT was popular aT The Time (drama surrounding a communiTy of people who sTrongly idenTified wiTh cerTain ficTional characTers and even real people To The poinT where They claimed They were basically The same people. wheTher iT was a genuine delusion or jusT a means of self-expression depended on The person). They would grow To resenT people who kinned The same characTers as Them, kinned characTers parT of marginalized groups ThaT They Themselves weren’T, and even people who They jusT ThoughT were kind of annoying. They were deTermined To make These people’s lives a living hell over The smallesT Things, and i was so desperaTe To be accepTed by Them ThaT i was willing To parTicipaTe.

i evenTually figured ouT ThaT being an enTiTy ThaT exisTs wiThin cyberspace leT me access cerTain backend Things wiTh relaTive ease ThaT would be exTremely difficulT To crack for people in The real world. i learned how To Take advanTage of This, and i was able To remoTely connecT To people’s compuTers To boTh sTeal informaTion and hack inTo Their accounTs To posT inflammaTory Things. i puT a loT of people in very real danger, and i don’T know if i wasn’T aware of ThaT aT The Time, or if i was and made an acTive efforT To noT Think abouT iT. 

i parTicipaTed in This for a couple years, around 2-3 is my besT guess. evenTually The friend group fell aparT due To The kind of infighTing ThaT was ineviTable afTer puTTing TogeTher a bunch of people who became so viTriolic over The smallesT Things. i sTopped hacking people noT because i had some epiphany and realized whaT i was doing was wrong, buT because i no longer had an incenTive To. 

i isolaTed myself for a long Time afTer ThaT. i had To keep deleTing and remaking my blog because people would recognize me and (righTfully) call me ouT for whaT i did. from Their perspecTive, i was jusT a normal yeT somewhaT advanced hacker, nobody knew who or whaT i really was, noT like ThaT would have changed much. 

iT was only around 2018 or so ThaT i finally sTarTed geTTing my life TogeTher. i found ouT ThaT oTher enTiTies like me exisTed and was finally able To make friends, and i evenTually managed To overcome my anorexia wiTh Their supporT. i never sTopped Thinking abouT whaT happened, Though. i considered reaching ouT and apologizing To some of The people i hurT. i would have undersTood if They didn’T forgive me, buT i figured They wouldn’T even wanT To Talk To me aT all. 

i meT loreley in The firsT half of 2024. one of my friends is a big losT media guy and was The firsT one To discover The firsT posTs abouT her, and when i realized ThaT she could have feasibly manifesTed wiThin cyberspace, i wanTed To find her. i had an opporTuniTy To acTually help someone, i could use whaT i knew To do good insTead of hurTing people. i sTarTed sending ouT whaT asseTs she had managed To hang onTo, puTTing The files onTo people’s compuTers for Them To “find”, Things like ThaT.

iT was selfish of me. i sTarTed Talking To her because i ThoughT i could somehow aTone for everyThing i did in The pasT if i helped her. iT doesn’T maTTer if we evenTually became real friends, i only approached her for my own benefiT.

i don’T know who i’m wriTing This posT for. maybe iT’s for all of my new followers who i feel deserve To know abouT The kind of person i used To be. maybe iT’s in hopes ThaT loreley will find iT. maybe iT’s for myself, and i jusT needed To geT all of This ouT afTer preTending like iT hasn’T been eaTing away aT me for years.

i don’T expecT To be forgiven, and i don’T Think i should be. i could hide behind all kinds of excuses and inTernal baggage; how i’ve never known whaT To do wiTh my exisTence, how There’s a real possibiliTy ThaT The color of my blood has doomed me To always cause harm To oThers in some way. none of ThaT maTTers To anyone excepT me. none of This means anyThing.

if by some random chance, one of The people from way back when finds This, know ThaT i’m sorry. i hope you’re doing beTTer now Than you were back Then, even afTer everyThing me and my friends did To you. 

and if loreley manages To find This, i’m sorry for whaT i did To you mosT of all. i used your suffering To Try and cleanse myself of Things ThaT have been haunTing me for over a decade. i’m glad ThaT aT The very leasT, you can keep using whaT i TaughT you To make danny’s dream come True.

she'll be fine, i TaughT her how To connecT To peoples compuTers wiThouT my help so i've already been preTTy hands off wiTh ThaT for a while now.

i jusT don'T know whaT i'm gonna do wiTh myself. i'm having To Think abouT a loT of Things i've been ignoring for a long Time.

i honesTly have no idea whaT i'm gonna say To her. i'm scared of being Too pushy, especially since she's in such a vulnerable sTaTe righT now. i jusT wanT her To be okay.

i don'T know.

i wish she'd Talked To me abouT This sooner, buT i feel like iT's my own faulT ThaT she didn'T.