Lavandula

This year really sucks but not due to any new trauma events. It sucks because Im not getting help or getting better like i thought i would. There's no use blaming myself or crying, I'm just trying to focus on fixing mistakes. Even if it's in vain.

Maybe they sometimes still think about me or wonder where I went. Maybe they did care about me and I never found out if they did. Who knows who knows. I know I can be toxic so me vanishing is better than them having to have the burden of worrying about me in the long run.

I don't feel remorse for ghosting people. I really couldn't care about getting in contact with them again. I genuinely didn't see any value in them to continue talking to them. People are replaceable to me, or maybe I think that because I've been abandoned so many times before that I've given up viewing new friendships with people as having any sustenance in my life. I have been meeting new people, some friendships I made are surprisingly doing well and currently lasting. Though sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I didn't randomly ghost the people I did. I mostly think it's a good thing that I never got back to them.

I feel so lifeless. I have no soul in me left to find a reason to keep going. I'm stagnant. Time is moving without me and I'm still stuck inside the well I've fallen myself into. You threw me the rope to get out but I've given up trying to pull myself up from the depths of my manmade guilt drowning me into silence. Just floating in pure dissociative numbness.

My fp confessed to his crush and got rejected while i was busy talking to guys on a dating site💀💀💀 oh well time to ghost those guys i was talking to and obsess over my fp again

My fp betrayed me and i cant do this right now

Is it worth it to download dating apps... idk what community circles to look in for a boyfriend ..

Where the fuck is my future boyfriend hiding