i try so hard to be the chill girlfriend, the not jealous girlfriend, the mentally stable girlfriend, the not *her* girlfriend. and yet here i am sitting at home crying because iām so jealous heās having fun while iām not there. itās not fair on him for me to feel this way - i was the one who said i didnāt want to go if none of the other girlfriends were there. he hasnāt seen them recently either itās completely reasonable that he should get to have time with them, away from the hurt and drama of the group. my reasonable brain knows that. so why did i do my hair and makeup just to post a pic on my story so heād realise what heās missing by not being with me. why am i struggling to reply to his messages in a nice tone, in a way thatās not sarcastic. why am i so angry and why am i crying now. we literally had a conversation yesterday about how itās stupid to get mad because you miss someone and he said that it took him too long to realise that only toxic people do that and that itās what *she* did all the time. iām constantly trying not to be *her*, to be 100x better then *she* was, so heāll keep loving me. i guess iām terrified that if Iām not constantly raising the bar and being the perfect girlfriend heāll realise he can do better, find someone prettier, and heāll leave me. because they always do. but itās so exhausting to always pretend that iām always ok with everything. especially when it feels like he doesnāt listen to me. especially when it kills me inside.
