lavender

40 something hrs into a fast i took a lax, but i've forgotten to drink properly. once the meds hit and i went to the bathroom, i've felt every single symptom of anorexia come crashing down on me. nausea, dizziness from dehydration and malnutrition, freezing limbs, shaking, etc.

i actually panicked and wanted to call my mom for help, but couldn't since even slightly opening my mouth caused the stomach acid to rise up to my esophagus. it was already horribly burnt by it anyway, though it could've been milder if i drank enough, but at that point it was just pure acid.

in order not to make a mess in the bathroom, i had no choice but to crawl to the shower, since standing up by the sink was too painful.

those few minutes - which felt like hours - were pure agony, no kidding. the worst part is that i KNOW there's going to be a next time, the desire to be able to look into the mirror and be fine with what i see is stronger.