Today is an anniversary of sorts for me for a couple reasons. 2 months ago, I got on a plane bound for a country I knew very little about, to a place very different than home. I've spent a lot of time by myself here, and I think I've learned a lot in a short amount of time about who I am as a person and what I want in life and what's important to me. One year ago today, I was getting on a plane bound for a city that I thought could be my new home with the man that I thought I would spend my life with. However, neither of these things were meant to be, but I was too focused on my carefully laid plans to see it. I was completely blindsided a month and half later when he broke things off, saying that I would find someone better for me than him. I didn't believe this stupid platitude at the time, but time has since given me perspective to see that he was actually right. My heart was completely broken, but I pursued my dream to go to volunteer in South Sudan, which I know I wouldn't have done with the shiny ring on my finger that he had promised me. I made new plans for my life and set to meeting new goals. I joined a kickboxing program and bought new artwork for my apartment that I knew he would've hated but I loved. I learned to sleep in the middle of the bed again. I made the commitment to go to South Sudan, and it looked like those plans were actually falling into place. I found a midwifery program that seemed like a great fit for me and got to work on the application process. I still missed him like crazy, but I was standing on my own two feet again. It seemed like my life was on track again, and my type A personality loved all the plans I was making. I found myself feeling nervous but excited about this new direction my life was headed. Then a couple things happens to shatter those carefully laid plans. I found out new information about my ex, just when I had finally carefully glued the last few pieces of my broken heart back together. The things I found out made me doubt my judgment and made me wonder at how I had been so stupid to believe the lies he told me. Then, just a few days later, I found out due to instability and conflict, I would not be going to South Sudan as planned, even though I had my suitcase meticulously packed and my plane ticket bought and ready to be used. I was devastated. With a departure date less than two weeks -away, I couldn't help but guess at what the future held. As scary as South Sudan was to me, I had done my research carefully and knew what to expect. Now I was going to be on a plane to an unknown African country in just a few days, and I was doubting myself. What was I doing? I found I would be going to a rural part of Kenya just 5 days before I left. I had no time to try to learn the language, no time to prepare myself, no time to make any plans. So I took the leap. On September 12, I waved goodbye to my friends and family, tears in my eyes, and walked to the plane that would take me away from my carefully planned life. 48 hours later, I landed in Nairobi, and my new adventure continued. Since I've been here, my desire to control and plan things is still present. I get easily frustrated at the red tape and corruption that keeps us from doing our jobs. I am angry at the men who think that because I'm a woman, I should just be quiet and do things their way, even though the evidence based practice that I'm trying to suggest will have better outcomes for the patients. I mourn for the babies that die here that would have survived if only they had been fortunate enough to be born at my hospital at home. I cry for the women who labor at home for days before finally coming to the hospital because they don't have to money for the admission fee to the hospital (about $2 US dollars). They come in with a ruptured uterus and bladder injury after having obstructed labor for so long and a baby that is in such critical condition that they tell us not to bother resuscitating the baby because he won't survive. I celebrate when that same baby is doing better, off oxygen and not having any more seizures and is breastfeeding and gaining weight, despite medicine's doubt in him. I'm heartbroken for the malnourished children I see in the villages, with their swollen bellies staring wide eyed at our car. I'm frustrated when the power is out for several days and my phone is on 5% battery and my water tank is empty and I miss my comfortable life at home. Some days I even miss the girl I was a year ago, thinking she had her life all figured out and neatly planned out, feeling brave for wanting to move to the other side of the country for a few years, and seeing the whole white picket fence dream falling into place. She had no idea that dream was going to be shattered in just a few short weeks After weeks like this one, I miss the determined woman I was a few months ago, getting onto a plane headed for a country 8000 miles away from home, full of hopes and dreams and idealistic images of huge change being made for this hospital and these people. This work is hard, and I feel beaten down and so incredibly disappointed in lack of action. But, I have to remind myself that change isn't measured in days or months here, but in years, and the work I'm doing now is making a difference, however small. I have to take my small victories and cherish them. I know I'm making change person by person, and that's such a huge gift when I step back and think about it. I know because of all this, the person that I'll be when I'm getting on that plane to go home in 3 weeks will be radically different than the person that came here, and that's ok. God has broken me here, and He is the one putting the pieces back together this time. I'm a little bit messier, a little bit more serious, and a whole lot braver than I thought. God knew all along that I needed this place to break my need for perfection and control, and boy, how it's done that. Even though this place, with its beautiful mountains and dusty red dirt that clings to your feet was never in my plans, God truly answered my prayers when I told Him I would move my feet if only He guided my steps. My life has been completely rearranged by God despite my careful plans, and looking back, I wouldn't want it any other way.
