Laura 🙈

“Google search: how to feel grateful that you didn’t die that last time you tried to kill yourself. How to feel like you didn’t belong in the ground; how to feel like you deserved to survive when so many other people are living lives so much worse than anything your eyes have ever seen. How to stop feeling like a fucking loose canon in the body of a human girl; ready to blow ready to blow at any second any second now. Google search: how many pills can I take to come close enough to death that people will finally start paying attention? How many pills to kill the demons without killing myself too? How many pills to lay comatose in a hospital without losing your life completely? How many pills should I take to have people care more than just a week after ingesting poison that I am still alive? Google search: how to get attention without destroying your own body. I don’t know how to ask for help without slicing my stomach in half and handing my intestines to the people I want to pay attention to my heartache. I don’t know how to verbalize my sickening sorrow when I don’t know if anyone will respond with love and reason and empathy. How do I get people to show me that they love me without needing to douse myself in gasoline and light a match; how do I get them to care for my well-being before I am on fire? Google search: how to be grateful for surviving a suicide attempt. * Overall, a recent review of 177 research studies around the world found that 4% of people who survived intentionally hurting or poisoning themselves went on to die by suicide within 10 years. Google search: how do I become part of the 96% who survived this? Google search: how do I stop wanting to die and become grateful for being alive?”