I fucking hate it here I fucking hate it here I fucking hate it here I have no one to talk to I fucking hate it here. I'm getting hospitalized again like that does any fucking good. I fucking want to die

For the first time in my life, I live in a house with a gun. It's all I can think about.

I am absolutely ready to die. I cannot understand how every single year gets worse. I have no friends, I hate my family, nothing brings me joy, there is nothing to live for. I want to walk into the forest and light myself on fire. I want it to be slow and I want to feel every second of it. I want to Livestream it. I want every person I've ever met to watch it. I'm miserable and I want everyone else to be miserable because I've tried to die and I can't. That's the kind of person I am.

I think I'm reaching the point where I could actually kill myself. I've tried twice. I don't want to fail a third time.