2020

I need to forgive myself for trauma that has happened in the past. I can’t keep letting experiences that were out of my control affect my current mental state.  They induce a type of negativity that concumes my entire being. I cannot change what has happened in the past, nor can I turn back time in hopes of doing things differently. I don’t have to forgive or forget but I have to learn to accept that I cannot change the past and work to move forward. All in all, I am proud of who I am and who I’m becomming and for that, I know I am strong enough to move on.

One thing that I am particulary proud of doing this week is taking the time to go out on walks, play basketball (even though i’m trash) and enjoy the outdoors. I am typically a bit of hermit so, being in quarantine has really increased the amount of time I spend at home in my bedroom. I also work full time from home so that doesn’t help either..... I have had to train over 15 new employees these last few weeks which has surprisingly put a lot more stress on me than I had originally thought it would. However, it is definetely, all consuming!!!! But, my boyfriend who loves to be active has encouraged me to spend more time outdoors enjoying the sun, disconecting from my laptop and being in the moment which has done me well. Although these was moreso his ideas, I am still happy that I joined him as it was beneficial to my mental health as well.  Today, we walked down to the waterfront where we sat and chatted for a few hours. Whilst we were there we saw birds catching fish as well as a few turtles and snakes swimming near the edge of the water. Tomorrow, for our 2 year aniversary, we’ll be going on a picnic and then doing some gardening,which I love. So, this will be a great way to rejuvinate myself for the long week ahead. 

However, I do struggle to accept compliments regarding my physical appearence. Particularly, surrounding my body. I’ve always had body image issues. These began when I was younger, from my parents always joking that I was chubby or thick and that I needed to watch my wieght or eat healthy. I know they didn’t say this with malicious intent, but I’ve internalised those words which had been engraved in me for so long. For so long, that they began to change the perception that I had about myself and my beauty. I’ve never loved my body, not during highschool and not now. I’m always striving to loose those extra 20 pounds. But, it wasn’t until 3rd year when I gained 20 pounds after I had stopped competing as a varsity athlete that I really starting thinking about my self view. Looking back at photos, I seemed so small, so thin, so in shape, but in the moment I never felt like that. This made me realize that maybe it was never about what weight I was currently sitting at but rather the image that I had already prepared in my head. Nonetheless, these are things I am trying to work on. I’m trying to eat healthier, which has not gone well so far and have also tried to excersize more. Moving forward, I am going to try to better implement these things into my everday life.

Lastly, I am attempting to develop my python (coding) skills. I have coded previously using Linux and Nonn whilst completing an indipendent lab study in third year and my thesis in 4th year. Now I am attempting to broadden my coding abilities by independently learning python. I think this will make completing research during my masters much easier. My masters supervisor has also provided me with literature which will allow me familiarize myself with many of pythons foundational concepts. 

However, I know that what I have achieved thus far has made them proud and that they would not want me to sacrifice my mental wellbeing for fear of failure. They have high expectations but that’s only because they want what is best for me. I know that no matter what I achieve and no matter where I end up they will always be proud of me and I need to remember this in times when I’m feeling an overload of pressure to achieve our dreams.

When attempting to answer this question, many things come to mind. My current state of mind, my body, my inability to maintain or develop quality friendships or a lack of trust for those surrounding me. I think that most of these traits have to do with my current state of mind and the negative perception that I have about myself. I can’t tell you when these thoughts began but when I think back to my past, its as if they’ve always been there. Small at first but growing into bigger issues as I’ve gotten older. But, I’m trying to shift to a more positive state of mind by thinking introspectively about all of these aspects that make me who I am.