Crazy Days

Functional alcoholic as I can only function when I have alcohol.

It’s 3 AM, that’s not really unusual for me but I’m trying to paint a picture I guess. I wish these posts would have dates on them because I don’t actually know when I wrote my last one, there must be some metadata. I mention it because my last post is relevant. In it I mentioned everything going to shit and not being sure what would happen and maybe getting a bladder diversion. Well, I am sitting here at 3 AM with no bladder. It’s been a few months now. In my last post I also mentioned what I would do if it didn’t work. Well that’s relevant now. About a month and a half after the surgery the frequency started again. It drives me insane. It’s the one thing I wanted to get rid of the most but no, it’s still here and I’m not really sure what to do. The ‘going on disability and getting dogs’ life is getting more realistic in terms of what I can expect. The fact that I’ve been feeling so morbid lately has made me really reflect on my life and how I’ve spent it. I don’t think about it on purpose but I just find that my mind keeps revolving around what other things I could have chosen to do with my life. I feel a pang for the passions that I never followed lately, kind of a heartbreak, and I keep thinking if it’s too late to drop everything and run away to be a musician or comedy writer. I don’t think I’m having a quarter life crisis, I don’t know why exactly I keep thinking of all this stuff but, it probably has something to do with the feeling that the time where I’m capable of hoping for a future is coming to a close. I said I was feeling morbid. Hopeless. Whatever emotion self pity is, besides pitiful.

I can’t see myself having a happy life with these symptoms. Ben is still around and says he’ll stay but I won’t hold him to that. It’s so crazy that I’m one symptom away from having a happy life and being able to do what I want, I was so close but I never got my hopes up. I was so afraid something like this would happen and the symptoms would return. I don’t know if I regret not letting go of my doubts for those few weeks and just feeling like everything was wonderful and was going to be ok. Would the following failures have hit much harder? I can’t imagine handling it much worse. I can tolerate everything for a while until I just overflow, every few days, maybe every three. Then there’s literally nowhere to go but up, so I do, and then it just keeps happening all over again. I wonder how tired Ben is of it.

I really don’t want to die or give up. I don’t see any shame in it or anything I just, want to get better, obviously. I want to want to live.

Sometimes it just feels like someone decided that I wasn’t meant to live a full life or be happy, and they’re probably tired of countering everything I try to do to get out of that. So much that the bad things that happen to me seem implausible. That’s not the right word. Improbable. Wow look at this self pity. I don’t know why I’m so full of it. Nobody in my life really pities me. They help me and try to make me feel better but it would be nice to have one person just cry for me and yell with me about how unfair things are.

I was thinking about big lessons to learn about life because there was a reddit thread on it the other day, and it reminded me of one lesson that I think about a lot lately. It’s something I repeat to myself in my head, and it’s not very poetic. But sometimes things just suck. And that’s it. We aren’t guaranteed happy endings and in the real world sometimes bad things happen and they keep happening and then that’s the end and there was no point. And often times that happens to someone you know and I think it’s easy to avoid that truth unless the “but it’ll never happen to me” karma actually gets you. For what it’s worth I never thought I was immune from anything but, there seems to be a sense of “everything will be ok in the end, this too shall pass” as if it’s some sort of infallible truth when it’s an absolute lie. I don’t mean to sound harsh but there’s no law of nature that says things are going to turn out ok they just don’t sometimes.

It happened. I’m back on the toilet. This is night two on the toilet. I don’t need to explain the context of everything because this writing is just for me/future me. But I am back on the toilet and I don’t know why. It’s been gradually getting worse since mid-April. Every time I thought I was finally coming out of the flare, I got hit with the next worse stage. It’s very weirdly on and off, it doesn’t make sense. I’m trying to talk to other IC people and message boards and doctors just to find anything that it could be. 

I find out tomorrow if it’s a UTI or not, hopefully. I guess I would be really relieved if it was. Then it would be a pretty run of the mill flare and could most likely resolve with strict diet and supplements and all that.

If it’s not a UTI, at least I get to stop taking these antibiotics. And I felt good for a bit when I wasn’t taking antibiotics, but something has set me off on these 4ish day UTI like bathroom night flare benders twice now. I’m sure I can control all the variables to figure out why I suddenly wake up with a big flare. No, I’m not sure of that. IC is insane and unpredictable and sometimes the variables are just random like hormones or some weird yet undiscovered virus that actually causes IC (that’s one of my worst fears).

I guess if it’s that, then I have nothing to lose. I can try the wacky hormone treatments and if that doesn’t work then I’ll do whatever it takes to get a urinary diversion. If I can’t leave the toilet they have to give me a diversion... I’m going to see my new IC doctor here in Washington as soon as possible.

Ben has been great, I’m trying to make this whole thing as easy on him as possible though I don’t have anyone else to talk to about my IC stress so I cried at him yesterday. Normally I guess I would talk to my mom about that, but honestly I think Ben was a better listener, my mom just keeps steering me away from Western Medicine but I’m already doing all the naturopathic stuff that I can, and have tried it all before, magnets in my ears and all that. I see the benefit of the diet obviously but I don’t know what more she wants from me, all she wants is for me NOT to try other things but I’m out of options.

At the rate things are going and considering the luck I’ve had so far lately, I’ll be barfing for a week straight soon as I take protected leave from work and start taking the medium dose birth control pills. Hopefully I can talk to an endocrinologist and the IC doctor before my next period comes and I have to start trying some form of birth control.

Talking to Heather made me miserable, she’s miserable, the crab pots are terrible. I wasn’t expecting her to be in one so it took me by surprise and really got to me.

Things are so amazing in Seattle but I’m just missing all of it because I’m here in this bathroom. I miss seeing friends and not feeling like such a unreliable worker. I hate myself and am so embarrassed about how IC affects me at work.

Laura lost vision in her eye. It was hard to hear and really hard for her obviously. I wish we could hang out in person but I don’t want to bring her down. I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can talk to who I don’t either bring down or fall into a crab pot with. Either we’re both crying which makes us cry more, or I’m the only one crying which makes me feel like a huge downer, obviously.

I hope Ben stay with me. I hope that I don’t lose my job. I hope that I can have my life back again soonish, that things will start to go uphill and make sense again. Future me, please tell me all this happens? If not, BE STRONG. Your life is still worth something. Your family loves you and your existence is important to them. You can make other people happy. The people who leave you, good riddance. You can still have a good life. You can get the diversion and have the life you plan on having and dream of and even in the very worst case, FINE. Go on disability, foster a dog or a few dogs and love the heck out of them. You can make a difference in their lives and that will give your life meaning, to see them happy and healthy when they otherwise might not have been. They don’t care how you walk or where and when you pee or whether you can travel or drink or anything. 

Be Strong. Just because you don’t have any cards to play right now doesn’t mean you won’t have any tomorrow. But if you quit now there won’t be a tomorrow.

It’s so late, I wonder when I’ll be tired enough to pass out. I should probably take that orange junk maybe that will help, I don’t know.

Well my ear has been totally fine, my IC has been pretty great, and even my migraines have improved, I have the tools to get through them that is. I’m prepared for anything. 

I did start getting a rash under my nose every time my period starts but I’ve also learned to prepare for that and have it not be noticeable for the few days that it tries to persist. 

Ben got a job at Seattle Genetics which is great. It’s not high paying but I don’t care as much as he does, its an average salary for a kid our age and we’ll live in quite a nice apartment and can afford the stuff we want/need because of our salaries combined. I can’t wait to decorate it. I want it to smell like lavender and I want to paint the walls, I want the bathroom to be the most zen place and I don’t know what art I want yet... I want the whole style of the place to be unusual. Maybe so many tapestries that it looks like a tent, maybe some cool lights, I also want plants and maybe a fountain. I don’t know but I can’t wait. 

I have to leave Ben and go back to the East coast in just a few days. Nothing makes me more sad. I know I’m just going to cry the whole flight so I’m glad it’s a night one, and I’ll bring my prescription pain-killers because crying always gives me a headache.

Future me, what will I do without him? Am I going to get sucked into some hobby? Will I meet someone new who I’m ACTUALLY interested in? As a fling of course, I’m moving back to Seattle in just 4 months. I doubt it because I haven’t been attracted to anyone else since Lars really despite even looking, out of curiosity. I haven’t even passed anyone on the street that caught my eye but then again I don’t wear my glasses. But still it’s pretty boring. 

I’m no longer friends with Matt. End of an era. Sad as any friendship ending but not the saddest. The close moments that we shared over the past three years might as well be in my imagination, because I’ll never speak to anyone who remembers them again. He seemed to change for the worse, I don’t know why. Personally I thought we would always be friends... go to each other’s weddings, support each other for the rest of our lives really, but he just started acting really bland and being generally bad tempered and cruel. His personality killed all attraction I had towards him and a lot of good will. It was at the point where there were so many negatives and so few positives. I did wait for him to end it more or less. I prefer my bridges burned so I don’t try to cross a janky one again. I think having him out of my life will make it less complicated and add a bit more positivity to it. I’m just a girl finishing college with a job lined up, a boyfriend who’s working, things are simple and good. I’m excited to see my family and see how my sister is doing.

I should sleep, its very late/early and I didn’t get good sleep last night. 

Goals:

- Establish bigger group of friends in Seattle

- Find some best girl friends in Seattle (honest with me, adventurous, gets along with other friends, fun to talk to) 

- Cut off guys that are only friends with me because they’re interested in me (don’t invite them to hang out with my group of friends, stop talking to them)

- Figure out when I get my signing bonus

- Get to know my sister’s group of friends better

- Spend more time with sister

- Spend more time with instruments

- Talk to Ben all the time every day, try not to miss him too much

- Finish up my required courses

So my ear has been much less intense and frequent, I can drink lots of water and deal with it. Really glad about that.

My sister’s eye stuff hasn’t improved. I hope she’s happy or at least not really depressed all the time. She seems ok sometimes.

Finals ended yesterday and I might have failed a class, it depends on what the professor emails back. I’ve never failed a class before. One of my other classes went badly too. I feel stupid and like a loser and like I don’t belong in my field right now. I also have a huge project to make up in the next few weeks, otherwise I fail another class. Things have just been going sideways in terms of school and I feel like I’m barely hanging on, but I still find myself sleeping when I should be working, and the thought of working more makes me just curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. I’m just very tired and I guess unhappy a lot of the time because for a long time I haven’t had any break or vacation because of Summer Classes and internships and the stress just feels never ending. 

I kind of hate myself but I don’t want to, I want to just have some time where I’m not close to failing something and disappointing myself and my parents and get a chance to be happy and not worried without letting all my responsibilities fall to the wayside.

If I can finish this project it might be ok. But it’s going to be really really hard and I’m going to feel so stupid. I think I’ll make a schedule for myself now that I’m out of school. Working on the project will be like a day job. and when my hours are up, I can just let it go for a little bit and not worry. The TA I’m in touch with will be like my manager. It’ll help me get in ‘internship mode’ so I can knock it out of the park this summer and feel good about myself again.

I think I’m PMSing too and I got angry at Matt and I have zits all over. It wasn’t really fair to him but he is a dick a lot of the time and I don’t say anything then.

Photos from the photoshoot are going to be published in some fashion photography magazine so that’s cool. I feel like that’s a bucket list thing. I’ll have to get a copy of the magazine so I can stare creepily back at myself from a page.

I tried to hit on some kid, he doesn’t seem that interested. He’s more attractive than anyone I’ve seen since I guess Lars, but in a way I’m not that interested either because I’m leaving soon and have Ben who I love. I just want to get Lars out of my mind. 

I’ve been going in and out with ringing and muffled hearing and dizziness for the past 3 weeks. I’ve seen the doctor twice about it so he put me on steroids fro about 2 weeks but now that the course is over, the ringing etc is all back, still on and off. 

It might mean I have Meniere’s disease since there’s nothing else it really could be. I just try not to freak out about it and I’ll see what the doctor says next week. Meniere’s is incurable, some say it’s progressive and you eventually go deaf but I guess I’ll just have to see. Maybe it’ll inexplicably stop. 

I’ve always said I’d rather be blind than deaf so this is a real blower.

Like I thought IC was my thing, I live with it, why this too.

Luckily my sister’s retina detached last week and they barely managed to save the eye. My father and grandmother also had both their retinas detach, and my sister has now officially had both of hers detach, so when mine detach maybe I will also go blind. I’m OK with going blind in one eye and would definitely prefer it to deafness and the annoying fucking ringing.

Things have changed a lot from when I used to post here more often, mainly because this was an outlet for all my frustration and boredom from when I couldn’t do things because of IC or when IC worried me. Luckily that hasn’t been the case for a while, especially since I started doing Ozone instillations at home. My IC has been in the very back of my mind (except when it comes to food choices) for many months now. I’m really hoping it’ll stay that way when I go to Seattle this summer, unlike how it really acted up all last summer. Fingers are absolutely crossed, everything is crossed. I’m going to be on top of all my treatments and meds so I can have a good time in Seattle. And no more beers at work! And no more sitting all day because I asked for a standing desk, I think that will really really help. But yeah I’ve been pretty happy with my health besides the cost of IC meds and the occasional cold/headaches I get.

I have a real problem with neck-aches and headaches. Eye-aches. Every day feels like a ticking time bomb of a headache and I have to be wary of looking at my laptop or a screen for too long, or bright light, or weird neck positions, because i get these untouchable headaches that sometimes make me nauseous if I don’t lay down in the dark. They’re a real pain literally. I’ve gone to PT about it but the PT just made it worse so I stopped, I have school stuff to do.

I’ve been modeling a bit lately. I’d really like to make more money of it but that means I need an agency and I’m not going to be living in this state for much longer. Plus I don’t have professional headshots but there’s a photoshoot coming up so I guess I will have some soon. The photographer wants to recreate some pretty cool shots so it could be cool, and I love getting my makeup done by an artist because I suck at makeup. I hope that I can use some of the shots to find an agency in Seattle so I can make a bit of a hobby of it besides working full time at my normal job.

With regards to Matt, he is a little bitch, he’s my friend who I sometimes can’t stand and I think he looks like a total dork sometimes, but sometimes when he dresses the way I like I can pretend that he’s not a little sassy boy and hook up with him because he has a nice face. It’s nothing I crave though.

My boyfriend is a dog. We still have an open relationship although I don’t do much with it, I don’t actually touch anyone besides Matt, but I don’t feel guilty flicking through tinder when I’m bored. Nobody on there ever interests me it makes me a bit sad. But my boyfriend is still attractive to me when he’s showered. He’s gotten better about showering. He doesn’t have a real career although he has a Math and Chem BA. I don’t care very much although I’d want him doing something he enjoys and that is respectable/white collar. Under Armour has him doing a little too much manual labor but he’ll be leaving soon when we move to Seattle. He’s like a dog because he’s always happy and optimistic. He never ever gets sick, that’s just an interesting thing. He’s not very good at self-grooming, I cut his hair and his mom used to cut it. He has a lot of energy but can drop dead asleep if he literally curls up on a soft surface. He pretty much always falls asleep in his day clothes, usually jeans and a sweatshirt. Oh wow I just looked over and he has taken off his pants that’s a surprise. He’s on top of the covers though taking up the whole bed. He’s a bit over-friendly and assumes everyone he meets is his friend. He’s extremely loving and seems like he would do anything for me, no matter how shitty I’ve been. He chews a little too loud and it bothers me sometimes, he just always takes too big bites so he can’t chew with his mouth closed. Horrible. 

Why be Beautiful?

- You don’t need to put much effort into making friends because everyone just wants to be friends with you based on the way you look

- Famous people treat you like a peer (you basically become part of the glitterati)

- Pretty much no guy will treat you like you don’t exist

- People project good qualities on you

- You don’t need to wear makeup or super nice clothes to look good

- Side cash from modeling if you have time

Why Not be Beautiful?

- Too much unwanted attention from guys

- Tempting to sleep with/start seeing new people because you know the person you’re interested in is probably interested back

- You feel like nobody likes you for your personality and everyone’s just sucking up because of the way you look, can lead to sadness

- Sometimes not taken seriously in a men’s field

I’m not beautiful but I plan to be, if that makes sense. I’m fine looking. I’m not hot, and I don’t want to be. I think beautiful is very different from hot. But eventually without too much trouble I’ll be beautiful and I just think life will be more interesting that way and I like the benefits. I want to just walk out of the house with no makeup and comfy clothes and still be respected and treated well (as if I had gotten all done up and dressed nicely), because my baseline will be enough that I still look good. 

Also, I want to use my looks to hang out with people like Matt Bellamy and Damon Albarn. All famous people, men and women, just seem to hang out with models or have models as friends. It’s kind of crazy but yeah I want to meet my heroes and stand out in a crowd to them. Stupid dream but eh.

Do I feel like I was too hard on Lars? Sometimes. I think my bitterness and paranoia that resulted from the break-up and cheating in my first relationship has really tainted every relationship since then. Being molested by my cousin when I was six probably added to that mistrust (”I should have known better! I should have learned my lesson back then,” I think to myself) but only in retrospect. My fear of older guys and aversion to touching was caused by it, but I think I had a pretty good opinion of my peers and grew out of my fear of contact. 

I feel like I know that part of me is irrational in my suspicions of guys manipulating me, but then there’s a big part of myself that seems to say, “no you’re right, everyone else is blind, protect yourself, everything you suspect is true”. It’s like a version of myself on one shoulder that sees everyone as devils, and another on the other that tries to rationalize the things people do to make them off as not so bad. “They’re confused, they had good intentions, you’re being crazy, things just changed”.

I don’t know who is right because I’ll never know the real truth of why people do the things they do. I can’t get inside their head and see their intentions or real feelings, and I don’t have the capacity to trust their own word, because doubting it is what caused me to enter this ‘search for truth’ in the first place.

Maybe I should just run from these people who make me doubt them in the first place. There are people/men I trust and don’t wonder about because they have such an established history of being honest and straightforward with me. I don’t need to deal with the people who make me wonder, like Lars and others, though it makes me sad to think that I could be pulling the cord on relationships with people who I just misunderstood.

I feel guilty for seeing that evil version of a person when I’m not sure about it. I never really am sure about it. Sometimes it just seems so outlandish that someone could possibly be so manipulative and insincere. I have to accept the fact that I will never know, hopefully with age I’ll get better at not wondering about it, feeling guilty about it, for my own sake, because I guess it is much more of a danger and a hassle to keep people like that in my life.  

“I’ve had recurring nightmares that I was loved for who I am, and missed the opportunity to be a better man.”

"Shame on you for thinking that you're all alone. If you want, I'll make you wish you were."

Reasons I Pity Myself:

Dad has cancer

Chronic neck pain/headaches

Interstitial Cystitis and all that comes with it

First Iove cheated and left because I was bed ridden for too long

Molested by cousin when 6 years old

I don't have boobs lol

Really jaded about love and trust

Self Destructive Results:

Not going to class

Failing class

Taking lots of painkillers

Drinking

Not eating often/well

Waking up in the evening/sleeping all day

Staying in touch with a guy who doesn't care about me anymore

Not trusting people

Thinking I'm not good enough to be loved/not dumped

Ways I'm Great/things are good?:

I have a job that pays 90000

I'm tall and thin and relatively good looking

I have a boyfriend that loves me and helps me

I have friends that help me and understand me

My parents love eachother and me very much

I can afford treatment for IC and it helps

I'm alright at guitar piano and violin

I'm pretty well educated

I don't think I concluded anything from this. Matt says I should get help because I seem to be spiraling but I guess I just don't have the motivation to and would rather stay in bed. I think I can find it in me to actually go to class and get good grades after the fiasco of this semester, so that's all I really care about. If I can do that I guess I'm fine. I also really need help about the neck and head pain, I'll do that as soon as possible. I don't see any solution for my inability to be alone and trouble trusting people, I guess that's what Matt also sees as a big issue for me. I have no idea how to fix that. Forcing myself to be alone would be like pulling teeth, and trusting just seems impossible. I don't know. I can't wait to go back to work.