I promise I care so much more than I show.

i was 5 the first time i used fat as an insult. i don’t remember ever thinking it wasn’t. at 11 my grandma saw me eating chips and said - that’s how you get cellulite. i haven’t bought chips in 11 years.  at 12 my dad told me a girl in the show i was watching was good looking. she was bulimic.  at 13 my ballet teacher pinched my stomach and said that dancers can’t have fat. i spent three hours doing sit ups that night. and every night for years after. at 15 my aunt bought my cousin size 2 jeans. they were too small for her, but i could fit. she told my cousin - see how pretty she is. i didn’t feel pretty. 2 was still too big. at 16 i gained weight and my mom told be about this diet where you only drink lemonade for a week. i didn’t have food for 10 days. i still remember shivering in 95 degree weather.  at 17 i discovered coffee. i discovered i could have coffee instead of meals.  at 18 i discovered vodka. i discovered no one can eat when they’re hungover. at 20 i wore loose sweaters for a year, because i hated the way my flesh spilled over my jeans. i never bought bigger jeans, no, it was always i that had to shrink.  at 22 a boy i liked told me it would be great if i didn’t gain weight while away. i didn’t feel rage. i smiled. i starved.

I wonder whose arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved.