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102.4
ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME
June 7 2026
I will now be calculating by deficit by half of what my watch reports as step burn. Based on the math it is wildly over estimating my burn.
Deficit 521
Listen. I'm fucking tired of forcing myself to eat all the time when Im not hungry and being uncomfortable from eating all the damn time and spending money on food to eat when I'm not fucking hungry. If we think about it, it's a financially smart decision.
And what if I just don't care about eating enough compared to my walking anymore or care enough to eat well and balanced. If the 500 calories mark starts to freak me out again even though for the last year my 12pm intake goal was to be at 500 and actively kept myself from more than a 700 deficit. And what if I just don't fucking care to keep putting in all the effort.
If you're gonna be stupid, be smart. I'm tired of doing stupid the smart way. Ready to go back to doing stupid the stupid way.

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I'm always saying if you're gonna be stupid, be smart but what if I just want to be stupid for awhile instead.
It's fucking 83f in my apartment, why do I want soup rn?
ANNNNND the food scale battery just died. Killing myself.

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So anyway it's 440pm steps are 23k. 6pm goal is 28k and I have no intention of doing any of that shit. I instead am laying in my bed wallowing about nothing.
Plus all these steps and deep deficits haven't even mattered. Sure I lost the weight from during my foot fracture recovery time but that just because I went back to what I was doing before and now I am once again stuck at this weight that won't fucking budge on the scale.
At this point I don't even know how much more I need to move and how much less I need to eat for it to even matter putting in all that effort.
So anyway it's 440pm steps are 23k. 6pm goal is 28k and I have no intention of doing any of that shit. I instead am laying in my bed wallowing about nothing.
I'll really be sitting here wondering why suddenly I feel an overwhelming dark and looming cloud over my life and inescapable feeling of defeat.
Then I remember the depression part of bipolar depression. I be forgetting that's part of it and it's not just the manic episodes. Especially since I haven't had a full blown manic episode in maybe 4 years now.
I also still haven't heard from my dad about bringing my AC over so I'm just over asking for the help at this point. I asked if he could come over during the week on the day I ordered it. Gave him a week's heads up because it took a week for delivery. He texted me when it arrived. ... Then I saw him the day I got my new phone and he didn't bring it up even though the box was sitting right in the room with us. I asked him yesterday if he could do it in the next few days and he said "that's the plan, maybe today" . I say okay I'll be home all day.
No since then.
Wish it was cold out so I could curl up in comfy clothes.

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Thinking about making a list of PT in my area and calling to just flat out ask if or how much their staff have experience with hypermobility because it's just been the annoying part of want to do any more PT when every appointment felt like them scratching their heads on how to modify the exercises for me. I'd rather just get a yes or no before going and doing a bunch of initial evals.
Obviously I'll make a list of phone numbers and only call after hours so I don't have to talk to a real person at first. Obviously.
Okay. Guys, I need input.
I said no uncessary spending this month right? But I do need new socks. 1 because I change them like 3x a day because they get so sweaty in my shoes and 2. Because I am wearing through a lot of them. 3. I wear moisture wicking socks because they are far better for my feet for support and keeping my feet more dry.
Is this a reasonable expense? Yes I still have socks but they've been sweat through and washed so much that they're just all shitty now.
π€