LA Single.

Never date someone who off the bat is more into you than you are to them.

Never.

I have made this mistake twice now and what I’ve found is that, yes MAYBE you will start to develop feelings as you get to know them, but their feelings will always be ahead of yours. And that can get overwhelming. It also creates this expectation from the more interested party that your feelings will just magically catch up because “they feel it, so why shouldn’t you?”

In both of my instances I did my absolute best to clearly communicate that I was not in the same place and needed to slow things down…but people won’t listen to what they don’t want to hear, and eventually it was better for both of us for me to call things off. It suck’s constantly feeling like you’re disappointing someone when you can’t reciprocate their feelings. But also if you don’t vibe you don’t vibe, and they should be free to find someone who better matches them.

I feel like this rule is also applicable in reverse, don’t subject yourself to the heartache of falling for someone who just isn’t in the same place as you. Save yourself the trouble and find someone who is on the same page as you.

So, previously in my life I had started dating my partner from work. He seemed different from other guys I dated, and the most important thing, was that I felt “the thing”. The “ thing” you’re supposed to feel when you find the person you’re supposed to be with. The magical “thing” my married friends would tell me about, the “thing” that I had never felt before. I thought, this is it, don’t fuck it up. And by all indications, this man (Let’s call him Steve) was feeling the same way I felt. And, early on he showed me two clear signs that he was truly into me. 1. He brought me my favorite flowers for no reason. And 2. He brought me breakfast in bed even though he hadn’t spent the night before. (You may be thinking, “how does that mean he’s in to you?”, trust me, it does.) He also expressed how he was feeling with his words, saying things like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” “I love you so much.” “ I want to marry you one day, I hope you’re ready for that.”

So things are moving along, and three months into dating he asks me to move in with him. I was hesitant, I’ve seen those kind of situations go sour before, I wondered if I was ready for that level of commitment, and I was scared. What if he ends up hurt me? What if things didn’t work out? I figured I’ll never know if I don’t try, so I went for it. And it was great....for about 6 months. First thing that happened, we finished the project we were working on together at work so we didn’t see much of each other during the day. This was a blessing in disguise because had we had to work together all day and then go home and be together I think it would’ve been a bit much. But then he started working longer and later (and before you raise your eyebrows in suspicion, yes, he was just working. There’s no way I wouldn’t have found out if anything fishy was going on.) so I rarely got to see him. We stopped going out on dates, and if I got to hang out with him at all we basically would be sitting on the couch watching TV. And on top of working all the time, he stopped thinking of me. Stopped going out of his way to do nice things for me, even though I was constantly doing nice things for him. There were definite changes in his behavior, but I always coughed it up to him being stressed at work. I had no idea what was coming.

Flash forward a year after that, I came home after being out with friends to him sitting on our bed, pouty and looking upset. I asked him what was wrong, reminded him he could tell me anything. He said “ you told me to tell you if I ever started to feel differently... well I feel different… I’ve been up every night for the past four months crying because I feel like something is missing from our relationship and it’s something I’ve had my past relationships and I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel like I’m on the same page as you I don’t know if I ever was.” You can imagine that this came as a complete shock to me. I thought everything was fine, I thought we were great and we had a perfect relationship… Well maybe not perfect, but definitely one that was not worth throwing away for silly reasons. The best description that I got of what he felt he was “missing” is that he felt like our relationship was lacking passion, he didn’t feel “crazy about me.” When all is said and done in a mature adult relationship, passion is not the most important thing. Yes it is important, no we didn’t never have passion… but things change when you live with the person, day-to-day life is boring and you need to make sure you find ways to make things exciting. I go back to what I said in my previous post that this is 100% him and 0% me. I did all I could think of to make him happy, to keep the flame ignited, and make sure that we had a stable relationship that would last a long time. I had to beg him to spend time with me, sometimes I had to beg him to make love to me, every date we went on was planned by myself, I always thought of cute things for us to do and we always had a great time… But he never returned the favor. So from my eyes if there was a lack of passion it was 100% his fault for lack of effort.

But on top of these things that he started to say that night, he also started to flip-flop. One minute he wanted to break up the next minute he would say “if we break up I’d be losing the best thing in my life, you’re the best girlfriend I could ask for, you’re so nice and sweet and kind, and I’m just gonna throw all that away? “Then I would say “Well if you don’t want to break up then we need to work on this.” To which he would reply, “How am I just going to start feeling something if I haven’t felt it after two years?” Again to the flip-flopping one minute he would say “I was so in love with you when we started dating” and the next minute he would say that he was never on the same page that I was and I was the one who dreamed up this relationship out of thin air. Which is not true.

I reminded him who asked who to be their girlfriend and who asked who to move in together. Neither of them were myself. But in the end that’s not what’s important. What’s important to keep in mind is that while he was flip-flopping back-and-forth and while he was expressing these intangible feelings to me, all I could think was, “is this a person I really want to be with?” No, seriously. All of these things that he was saying made me feel like I’ve been living a lie for the past two years. He broke my trust along with my heart, and I had to ask myself if I would ever be able to trust him with my heart again. At this moment I don’t know if I can. Then I had to ask myself do I want to break up with him? Do I want this to be over? Have I done everything that I can possibly do to salvage this?

The answers… I knew that I would be OK without him. Yes I would be sad, and yes I would take a long time to heal, but I would not be completely broken. Do I want this to be over? Right now the way he’s acting, yes. Over the past few days he has been a completely different person than the man I fell in love with. And that is even more heartbreaking than most of what’s been going on. Did I do everything I could’ve done to save the relationship? I felt like I had… Half the battle of this whole situation was constantly being reminded that while I was willing to work through this, he was not willing to do the work. At the end of the day a relationship is a two way street, both people have to be willing to do the work in order for the relationship to work. I couldn’t just stay and let him drain me… So after two days of standing at the edge of a knife waiting for him to make a decision, I put my foot down and said “if your intention in talking to me Saturday was to break up with me then that’s what we should do. I’m moving my stuff into the guestroom.” And then I started looking at apartments almost right away.

As hard as the break up has been, being in the same space while knowing that I’m going to be moving out has been even more difficult. He keeps acting one minute like everything’s fine and nothing has changed, he even tried to have sex with me yesterday. Which I refused considering the circumstances, I didn’t feel like it would be fair to me because I still love him and also I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having me one last time. He also screamed at me yesterday when I was filling out an application for an apartment, all I could think was “This was your choice, what did you expect?“

Part of me wonders if he just wanted to threaten the break up in order to spice things up and cause some drama in the relationship. Considering the fact that we’ve never had a fight, it would make sense that he would deduce this to be a smart choice....(But I just hope everyone bears in mind that if you’re going to do this just be sure that you can live with the consequences should things not go the way you want them to.) This never works out the way it’s planned, if he was threatening to break up with me and didn’t actually want to he just wanted to cause a deeper conversation, see if we would make it through something like that… Well I guess the jokes on him.

Listen, even though I hate this situation and the fact that I have to go through this, I have no regrets. I made choices based on the information that I had at the time, and that information was that he loved me, totally and completely. Even my friends and family were shocked, his family too. Which makes me feel a little better that no one had a clue. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to trust someone with all your heart. Yes, it’s risky, but it’s worth it. I’ve learned so much about myself and what I truly want in a partner.

Well hello my friends, long time, no see. I’ve been away for quite some time, and to be honest the reason was..(Duh, duh, duhhhh)....I was in a relationship for the past two years (I know, its shocking!) and it was serious (even more shocking). Like moved in together, met the families, talked about marriage and kids. Then it just ended. One minute this man is telling me he loves me and the next is saying that “there’s something missing and I can’t quite figure out what it is.” And “I think I need to know what its like to loose you, to know if this is a mistake or not.” 

Its upsetting, and confusing and the exact reason why I avoid getting into these situations in the first place. But while I am healing and dealing and re-discovering myself, I will be offering my findings and support to others who are going through or struggling with similar situations. I will also share my experience in more detail in later posts in the hopes that others find comfort that, you are not alone. We all get our hearts broken, we have to go on this journey.

One thing that is helping me through this week is knowing that none of this is my fault. I did everything right in the relationship (he even admitted such). This was 100% his choice, his mistake, his lack of self confidence, and his emotional immaturity to be in a real, adult relationship. He also is very depressed, which can make you recoil into yourself and convince yourself that you don’t deserve the things that are making you happy. (Aparently I was the only thing in his life that made him happy). The other thing giving me peace is that I know I did everything I could to work through the issue and support him and try to salvage the relationship that we had. He was unwilling to do the work and you can’t waste your time fighting for a person who will not fight for you. 

Right now I feel overwhelmed in many ways. In a matter of days I have lost my relationship, my best friend, my apartment (Im staying in the guest room but franticly trying to find a new place), and my dog (oh yes, we have a dog). It’s a lot of change to deal with at one time. But I also am feeling an overwhelming amount of support from family and friends who have been complimenting me on my maturity, how strong I am, and how well I am handling the situation. Even though I feel like at any moment I could fall apart. 

I will be using this forum as an outlet. To vent, to process, to heal. And all of the things I say, I admit may be taken with a grain of salt. Not everyones journey is the same, thats what make life so beautiful. And when one door closes another opens and then somewhere down the line we find the answer to why things didn’t work out the way we thought they would. 

But the fact of the matter is I’m back. 

Xoxo,

Hey tackycute, 

Sorry to hear about your recent break-up, how long were you with your last partner? I know being single can feel strange after commitment, i’ll do my best to help you out. ;)

First step to being happily single is to close the door on your old relationship. Once you've put the past where it belongs you will be able to move forward. This can be a vulnerable time, as you say you miss the companionship and may find yourself seeking emotional/physical comfort as a result. Try to detach yourself emotionally for a bit while you clear your head, to avoid jumping into that unwanted relationship.

Second, remind yourself that this is a great opportunity for you to get to know yourself. Sometimes in relationships (especially when its not the right fit) we change, and loose little pieces of ourselves. This is the time to find those pieces and see if they are still apart of you, or if you have out grown them, and to discover new things about yourself.

Thirdly, enjoy, and indulge, and date, A LOT. The best part of being single is that you are unattached to anyone, so embrace that and enjoy it. Remember, while it’s fun to meet new people and its easy to get wrapped up in compliments, a pair of kind eyes, and reassuring words, new people that you meet are still NEW, and they will throw every line in the book to get what they want. So while I urge you to just relax and enjoy your newfound freedom, I also caution you that things and people are not always as they appear and to look closely at the fine details. 

A final note, its not all going to be wine nights and tacos, you're going to have times where you might miss that companionship again, you will have days and moments of feeling bitter, and you're going to fall for people you shouldn't. But thats just life, and everything is going to be ok. We make mistakes, we live and learn, but be grateful that you get to do just that, live.