Lascivious Adventures

Dominance/submission is a game of pretend.

It doesn’t matter if you call yourself a sub, a slave, a pet, or an object; it doesn’t matter how kinky you like to be in the bedroom, if you’ve checked the “rape fantasies” box on your list of interests, or like being asphyxiated during intercourse. It doesn’t matter if you are aroused by being demeaned, if you enjoy your punishments a little too much. At the end of the day, there is a VAST distinction between a situation where you truly have no control, and the situations you allow yourself to be put in as a submissive.

Your rights and obligations as submissive

It’s hard to focus on your rights when you’re in love. Do not fall into that trap. At the very beginning of the relationship, it is crucial to establish yourself as a unique individual with needs and desires.

In all relationships, you are at least two people. You both have a responsibility to make it work. Your partner can’t do her/his best as dominant if you do not take responsibility for your role.

You should be able to influence what kind of relationship you want. Constructive criticism from your side should be welcomed. Your needs and desires are as essential as your partner’s.

You have the right to set limits. You can withdraw your consent and adjust your limits at any time.

There should always be room for you to develop in the relationship. Personal and sexual development is an essential part of BDSM. You should never feel less worthy after a scene.

You should feel support from your partner in-between the scenes. You are not a toy that can be put in a cabinet when not in use. It is normal to have an emotional drop after a scene. Your partner should know this and be there for you.

You should be able to act independently. You must feel that you have control over what power you hand over to your partner. Outside of the power-exchange scene, you have the right to be taken seriously and control your own life. When you make independent decisions, they should be respected.

You have the right to cancel a scene at any time, with a safeword or otherwise. Make sure you know how to cancel a scene before it starts. You can always say no to a particular type of scene or sex. You also have the right to leave a relationship at any time. The transfer of power is valid only as long as you approve it. Whatever anyone else says.

You are your own advocate.

You should NEVER disappear so far into a relationship that you lose sight of who you are; you should never allow yourself to be talked into something that you aren’t comfortable with—or at least excited about. You should never—never—feel hesitant in telling your partner to stop or to say that you’ve had enough. And you should never be in a relationship with someone who is so caught up their side of the game that they are willing to sacrifice your physical and emotional safety for his or her own enjoyment. This goes far passed the premise of Safe, Sane, Consensual or Risk Aware Consensual Kink (both of which, you’ll notice, have the words “Consensual”), and into your survival and development as an individual—which you should retain, even if you have been happily married to a person for several years and spend most of your time with them.

You are the best in the world at being you.

Accept yourself for who you are, the great sides as well as the less desirable ones. Be aware of your boundaries and demand that they be respected. Be who you are and be proud of yourself. Other people also have their strengths and weaknesses.

You deserve respect. You are an amazing, unique person and worth being treated accordingly. You are not dependent on your partner. It is you who decide if, when, and how you want to exchange power.

The honorable character of a submissive

No one is perfect, not you and not your partner. Strive to recognize your mistakes and work towards a solution to problems. Being proud of oneself is something good, but it becomes much better if you are also aware of your weaknesses.

Keep your promises or be honest when you change your mind. You have the right to take back consent at any time. But don’t use this right to don’t show up without notice.

Respect your partner’s privacy and do not disclose more than you know is OK.

Be friendly and encourage other people around you by making them feel confirmed. Since you may not be able to talk BDSM with your regular friends, it is satisfying to have a network with other BDSM practitioners.

Honesty is fundamental for communication and trust. Not being honest means lying to yourself. It is as important that the dominant can trust you as the other way around. If you hold criticism to yourself, you limit your shared development.

Trust yourself and your ability to make decisions. Listen to your intuition. Wait to submit until you feel confident, but then trust your judgment. Being too careful will make it harder for you to achieve good BDSM. To be careless is stupid and dangerous. The balance is somewhat of an art.

You should contribute to your relationship by communicating your thoughts, needs, and boundaries. Express when something doesn’t feel right. Your partner most likely wants you to feel happy.

Support your partner in the event of mishaps. You best solve problems together. Blame is never constructive, look forward to the solution. Respect your partner when she/he has a bad day.

Good Doms let their subs use Safe Words

, and you should definitely have a Safe Word at your disposal long before you enter a scene. If you don’t have a Safe Word, the phrase “Time Out” is well enough culturally embedded in most societies that it should get your point across. Remember that it is your right as a human being to use your Safe Word the moment that you feel you are putting yourself at risk, or you are no longer enjoying yourself—because the entire point of the Dominance/submission power exchange is that both parties are doing things that make them feel good.

Finally: understand that your initial willingness to participate in a scene does not mean that you are obligated to finish said scene

. You reserve the right to retract your consent at any time (this is why Safe Words are so very important). If for some reason you find yourself in a position where you were coerced, or denied your right to say no, you are in no way, and by no laws of humankind, required to accept that as part of the Dominance/submission exchange. Pretending to be reluctant, and actually being reluctant are two very different creatures. If you have expressed a sincere desire for something to stop in a scene, and the Dom in that scene has continued, it’s the Dom, and not you, who was in the wrong, and that situation needs to be followed up with some serious conversations between you and the Dom.

Submission, more than anything, is about trust. You as a sub need to trust that your Dom will listen to you if you say no, but your Dom trusts you to express your needs as well.

I know most of you guys like my ass better than me 🤧